by barefootfoodie on March 10, 2010
Yes?
Ello gov’na
Um…
It’s bloody hot in this plane, no?
WTF
I don’t now, I was trying something out just there. I feel like my inner dialogue should have an accent. I was going for Bridget Jones.
Yeah, that definitely wasn’t Bridget Jones.
Really? What about the second movie, the one where she gives her bra to that girl in the Thai prison.
Um, that movie sucked balls, and…no.
The Beatles?
No. Not at all, maybe that crazy old guy who lived in a boat on the roof in Mary Poppins.
Oh! I bloody loved that guy!
Alright stop. Why am I here?
Oh, right, soooo…the old lady next to me? She is a crazy pants.
Come on. Gossip Girl is on tonight. I don’t have time for this shit.
Dude. She keeps feeding Gigi crackers from her purse, and complaining how the time change is making her exhausted.
This all sounds relatively harmless.
But, we’re flying from Michigan to Georgia, there isn’t even a time change! What if she’s high?
She’s not high.
Um, old people get high all the time. She probably gets her pot from her doctor. Lucky old people and their stupid glaucoma.
Listen, I think you’re gonna be fine here.
Really, Jesus? Really? She is reading the Bible, I think she has every intention on trying to bring this plane down.
She’s an old la-
OMG. She just spit her gum out into a maxi pad wrapper. HOW IS SHE EVEN STILL MENSTRUATING!? Great. Now I am picturing old lady vagina. This is the worst day ever.
Well, thanks for that, I think I’m gonna barf.
Don’t you dare, I’m a sympathy barfer, and I totally wet myself when I puke.
Ok I gotta go. Call me when you need me for something important.
Um, I think being on a doomed plane with an unwaxed old lady terrorist is pretty important.
I’m leaving now.
Bollocks.
by barefootfoodie on March 5, 2010
I don’t want to alarm anyone, but…I think Earth is pissed.
I don’t know if it’s because the hills keeps getting renewed, or because Mike Tyson got that tattoo on his face and everybody is still acting like it’s normal, but…ZOMG AL GORE WAS RIGHT.
We are having earthquakes, and tsunamis, and I just watched a video on CNN where a wave crashed through a cruise ship.
THE OCEAN IS ATTACKING US, PEOPLE.
It’s not enough that there are sharks in there?
Now water is killing people just for enjoying all you can eat shrimp buffets on the lido deck?
Which is just great. Because Monday I have to fly again.
And we allll remember how awesome I am at that.
Now, I don’t want to be a rumor monger.
But, there are rumors, folks. RUMORS TO BE MONGERED.
Birds hate me.
Like, I am pretty sure they want me to die.
Which is insane because we have so much in common.
We both hate cats.
Our constant tweeting makes no sense at all.
We both poop everywhere if you squeeze us hard.
And, I always eat the worm at the bottom of a tequila bottle.
I have no idea why birds think I am an asshole.
So, with that information, and the fact that the planet thinks people are douche bags, I am totally even more afraid to fly, because I am convinced that, due to the recent uproar of nature to take back what’s theirs, a bird will junk punch my plane and I will die.
But, it’s to see my Anissa, so I have to risk it.
Which is why I will be drunk on the plane. And, I will probably climb over you ten times to pee, and I totally won’t re-zip my pants afterward. And, I don’t wear underwear with jeans. And, I will probably weep sporadically. And tell you about this time when I was little and I was climbing a tree, and I fell, and a stick pierced my butt cheek, and my brother told every one I had two butt holes.
So if you are stuck sitting next to me…you’re welcome.
P.S. #7 y’all.
