1. I rarely offer advice…out loud. Sure, I will bad mouth and judge the fuck out of you in my head, but out loud? Not so much. Mostly because I am a giant pussy, I can’t run that fast, plus my ankle always gives out due to an old soccer injury.
But. I will share this nugget with you. If you are going to allude to the entire world that you are pregnant, take a moment before you hit publish…and call your mother. You know, just give her a heads up. Because she’ll never let you live it down that the old lady at the feed store knew you were knocked up before she did, and she will probably call you at 5am, you know, when people only call because something horrific has happened, and she’ll be all…
Mom: Brittany!?
Me: What time is it? Is everything ok?
Mom: No. Everything is not ok.
Me: Oh my God, is Opa alright?
Mom: What in God’s name is going on?
Me: Um…I was sleeping.
Mom: I know about your intranet blog.
Me: (I’m fucked) Um…what’s a blog?
Mom: *click*
2. Still pissed I missed out on the annual Corn Fest last weekend, we decided to get our sleeveless flannel shirt fix at the county fair.
I love the fair.
It was smelly and dirty and I ate everything in sight. We decided that the fair would be the practice run for our big Christmas trip to Disney in December. The fair is just like Disney…only in a smokey, toothless, teenage pregnancy kind of way. I like going to the fair because it makes me feel better about myself.
3. This is Walnuts.
Named after the great Paulie “Walnuts” Gualtieri.
Walnuts likes cold ginger ale and sexual ambiguity.
Walnuts is a masochist, favoring stomach cramps and 6 days of constipation.
Walnuts likes to talk in third person…Walnuts is a little bit eccentric.
Walnuts ate a pork sandwich, a vanilla milkshake, a candy apple, a funnel cake, and a whole basket full of random fried things at the fair yesterday. Walnuts likes trans fat, and doesn’t get what everyone is so upset about.
{ 51 comments… read them below or add one }
Walnuts is too cute and clearly very hungry! How have you smoothed things over with your mom? Or is that still something that you are working on?
Walnuts sounds like just the kind of person I want to go to the county fair with. Or at least to the 7-11.
Wow, first post on barefoot? Sweet!
Brutal on the gramma thing. You’re gonna pay for that for YEARS.
Walnuts. Man, I gotta see the Sopranos. Looks like y’all had fun!
(That “y’all” was a reference to county fairgoers, in case it was too deep fer ye.)
Love the pic with you and the cows ass! congrats on being pregers!!
I thought your arrow was pointing at the cow and I was thinking I was going to have to give you a schoolin’ in how to tell a boy cow from a girl cow so it would be less sexuality ambiguous for you…
But then I got it.
:::Needs a bigger monitor::::
awww…walnuts is so cute! walnuts also has great taste in fair food! yummy!
It sounds like Walnuts knows a good thing when it comes to trans fat!! I love going to the fair…the food calls me every time and the people are just begging to be mocked!
Hi Walnuts!
Now to clarify… Walnut would mean there is but one… Walnuts??
Is there something you are not telling your dear, loyal reader(s)??
Hmmmm… now is that subconscious or on purpose?
Walnuts is my kind of embryo.
Speaking of your advice, I finally (after you cursing it in about six posts) removed captcha from my blog!
Maybe you could come to the Disney on the west coast! I’d even babysit for like two hours.
I think freakin fair food rocks!!!! Anything taste good fried!!!
Are you going to Disneyworld or Disneyland?
And finally…when is the due date???
walnuts and crow could get along really well. crow just ate me out of house and home yesterday.
Ahh the classic lets go to Disneyland now before we’re outnumbered trip. I know that all to well.
Questions-
Are your boys twins? (they’re gorgeous)
Can I get in line now to be Walnuts BFF? (we have so much in common)
Hope Walnuts doesn’t have a staredown with a cat like Paulie did!
Love how your mother says ‘intranet’ blog. My mom’s nickname is they Norm Crosby of Boynton Beach ! (the guy who is the master of malapropisms)
Walnuts looks happy
We’re heading to the fair today – it always makes me feel better about myself, too.
Than picture at the Fair reminds me of growing up in Payette, Idaho (pop.4500) and going to the county Fair to see my brothers 4-H steer.
I can smell the cow sh*t already. Thanks for bringing back a great memory.
Congratulations! Walnuts is a very cute little stick embryo
.
LOL- “intranet”. Looking forward to guest posts from Walnuts.
Mekhismom…Umm…yeah…that is still in the works, hopefully she sucks it up before delivery.
Kel…7-11, fuck yeah! I am pretty sure Walnuts and I could do endless packs of ding dongs and slurpees!
Raging Dad…Awww….how sweet of you to adjust your dialect in honor of us country folk! That’s why I like you, you’re a giver.
Amelia…Thanks, and of the 30 pics my hubby took yesterday, those TWO were the only not blurry ones. Nice memories.
Jenni…Yeah, so I probably should have been more clear that Walnuts is, in fact, a fetus…not a cow. Looks like SOMEBODY needs a 52′ monitor.
Natalie…I know, except Walnuts is making sure I am paying the price today.
Shannon…I know, I feel at peace sitting on the midway, eating fried dough and judging all the losers who walk by.
Charlie…hmmm…this could be an interesting turn of events.
Carolyn…Awww….Walnuts likes you too! A lot actually…gosh, Walnuts is possessive in a totally creepy way.
Allison…Um…does Mickey live at that one?
Heather…Well, according to the web, it’s in May. FAAAAAAAAAAAAAR away.
Lamb…I can’t wait for crow to come out of hiding!
Threeboys…Exactly! And 1. Thank you and no, not twins, Irish twins, 11 months apart. 2. Some sort of sorority level initiation.
Swirl…HA! Moms…it’s so funny how technology is so scary to them.
Alanna…Do you go to the same fair I do!?!?!?
Norm…Awwww…if it helps, I can send along the flip flops I wore yesterday, they are covered in shit!
Jozette…Thanks, he is a “stick”ler about his weight.
Fairs are the best! Where else can you find manure and so much fried food in such a close proximity? The smell of cow poop always reminds me of home:)
too funny. when i read your ‘knocked up’ post i even thought to myself, “gee. i hope she told everyone she needed to tell first.”
congratulations on the baby. and getting to eat a funnel cake.
Mom will get over everything once she lays eyes on little Walnuts
Walnuts…kinda hope that doesn’t stick. Ya know for the kids sake. Not a great nickname.
Strange question-we were at a party last night and everyone was talking about the great county fairs up north. Hubby asks if anyone else had stripper tents at theirs??? Are their stripper tents at yours or judy in Western PA?
I was going to say Irish twins but I was afraid you wouldn’t know what that meant. My oldest are 11 months apart too! How embarrassing was it going back to the Ob-gyn 3 months after having 1?
Walnuts would LOVE the Texas State Fair next month–we fry everything and I do mean EVERYTHING
I think walnuts is a genious already, eating all the right food at such a young age! So proud!
Moms are totally fired, and I’d like to request Walnuts fly out for the Utah state fair.
Awww shucks!
Your two boys are too cute and look almost identical! Mine are 15 months apart and yet we still get asked if they are twins out in public, which always just shocks me because if they were then Jack would have to be the midget twin
Seriously, that’s your going to the fair hair? That tops my own wedding day hair. Is that natural? Do you use a curling iron. I’m so envious of your hair.
Was it a BBQ pulled pork sammich or a battered fried pork-type sandwich? Doesn’t matter, because I’d eat either one.
Milkshakes and funnel cakes are delicious. I haven’t had a candy apple in years. I’m more of a caramel apple girl.
Can’t wait to hear more about walnuts.
How did your mom find out anyway? I told my mom about how you tried potty training with a hot dog, and she thought that was hilarious.
Well, at least Opa is OK? Your mom will get over it eventually…unless she’s like mine, in which she’ll pretend she’s OK with it but will drop a bomb or two when you least expect it. Kind of like, “Oh, this is just like that time you told 35,000 strangers you were carrying my grandbaby before you thought to call me! Haha, wasn’t that soooo funny, Brittany?” Yup – that’s my mom. Hope your mom knows how to let go of a grudge…
You do have great hair, you beotch. Wait make that you pregnant beotch.
Sucks about your mom. my mom knows that I have on, but doesn’t know how to find it. Go me!
Walnuts looks way comfy. Congrats again!
Okay, your hair? Exquisite. I’m jeaaaaalous. Those curls! That blonde goodness (with the brains too?!?) The boy’s matching outfits! Swoon. Walnuts? HEE-LAIR-EE-US kid. Lookin’ forward to meeting him or her. Once he or she figures out WTF they are.
And on the real? That shot of you looking all hawt with the cow’s ass? NEEDS A FRAME AND PRIME REAL ESTATE ON YOUR MANTLE. If you have a mantle. If not, maybe an end table in the living room? A prominent spot. I’m just sayin’.
I can’t wait to hear more about Wallie (yes, a nickname for the nickname already) as he/she grows. Sigh. Make IT choose a gender already! I’m getting sick of typing out he/she.
AJ…I know, I thought the same thing as I sat on the front porch picking it off my flip flops.
Sarah…Thanks, and I guess I needed that advice a few days ago:)
JoJo…That’s the plan…I hope.
Judy…A stripper tent…hmmm…I can’t say I saw one. I mean, I saw a lot of half naked skanky looking woman and teenagers, who surely are destined for a career in stripping….does that count?
Threeboys…How cool! Yeah, I found out at my 6 week PP appointment. I was the laughing stalk of the office.
Lisa…Hell yeah, especially if when they say “Everything is bigger in Texas,” what they really mean are the corn dogs!
Tena…Well, you just gotta steer them right, right from the beginning. It’s more like a lifestyle choice really.
Sarah…Sounds like a plan, if Walnuts can fly Business and get a free pillow and not sit next to someone smelly or germy.
Charity…Yeah, it is honestly sometimes easier just to say yes. WAY easier than saying, um, yeah, I am a little too easy after a beer, and tings happen.
Laura…Uh, I love you.
Emiline…Actually,it was a grilled chop, oozing with yummy marinade. You know, so juicy it kinda destroys the bun it’s in, but it’s so good you don’t care? Like that. And she found out when someone said congrats to her. She apparently likes to wait to pounce until I am preoccupied with…umm..sleep!
Deb…Ahhh yes…you have described my mom too well.
KD…Awww thanks. And yeah, it’s shocking she found it, the intranet scares the piss out of her. It’s where the murderers and sexual deviants live, ya know.
Flickr…Too kind! And trust me, I am equally excited to see what’s between the legs, though I am sure it is boy junk…it always is:)
Walnuts? Hmmm, I like it. And don’t worry about your mom, she’ll get over it…I think
Hope you are enjoying the long weekend! The fair looks fun – we go to the state fair here in good ‘ol VA every year – my girls love the cows, but man are they smelly suckers!
Who on earth had she been talking to at 5.30 in the morning to find out about it? Or do you think she was just stewing all night and couldn’t wait any more?
Walnuts has great taste in food!
Walnuts sounds just like my third baby, except I had a far worse name for the fetus that wanted to destroy me from the inside out.
Congrats!
Welcome to the intranet, Walnuts!
I needed Walnuts with me when the vendor tried to sell me a extra paper plate for FIVE DOLLARS so my boys could share a funnel cake. Ridiculous.
If you took Walnuts to the fair and didn’t get that child a deep fried Snickers bar, then how do you call yourself a mother?
It wouldn’t be a fair without plenty of trans fat. I personally favor any kind of meat on a stick, chili cheese nachos (did you know nacho cheese starts out CLEAR? Sick), and fried cheese curds. This Walnuts is someone I want to hang out with already!
Just discovered your blog. Awesome!
Walnuts eats good stuff!
OK, but when Walnuts has decided what sex it is going to be, he/she had better tell your mother before he/she tells anyone else, like, for example, the ENTIRE REST OF THE WORLD.
I would even get preggers for a funnel cake and candied apple!
Sorry your mom’s snippy about you forgetting to tell her…Tell her you were just writing a story and didn’t know you really were. Or not.
Does this mean you’re pregnant? Sorry I have trouble keeping up.%-)
Walnuts is entitled to eat any damn thing Walnuts wants too.
P.S. how can you pull off the wife beater at any time?
P.S.S. Love the hair!!!
So have you talked to your mom again!? LOL!!
I want to eat like Walnuts does!! mmmmmm funnel cake!
Congrats on “Walnut”. Looking forward to hearing more about him/her!
“intranet” That is something my mom would say. I hope she things have smoothed over.
Walnuts seems to have a refined palate. Much like mine
Hola Walnuts! Try to go easy on momma. Remember, what goes around, comes around!
Welcome, Walnuts.
I’m Annie. I had Bean and Turkey Buns as embryo’s. I’m new to your site. Lovin’ it!