So much good news going around.
Our new President-Elect, who fills me with hope, pride and excitement. A growing baby inside me that fills me with…well…mostly gas and food, but there is some joy mixed in, too. And our local radio station is already alive with Christmas music, my favorite!
And yet…something foul has been quietly festering in the barefoot household, bubbling up from the depths of the earth, slowly pooling out of sight, beneath the crisp, golden fall leaves, temporarily masked by sounds and scents carried in the cool autumn breeze.
Masked, until now.
Raw. Sewage.
Seems, the leaves that I so love admiring out my window each afternoon, the leaves I pleaded with my husband not to rake up so the boys and I could dance through barefoot every afternoon, kicking and crunching. The leaves that hide the patch of dead grass from the summer’s kiddie pool…those leaves…have turned against me. They have been secretly hiding the fecal apocalypse materializing in the far corner of my yard, untouched, unseen, until one day, after an afternoon of post lunch leave romping, Henry the pug greeted me at the door soaked in mud.
Stinky mud.
Henry the pug, it turns out, was covered in shit.
Glutinous, vomit inducing shit, that for once, didn’t quite belong to him, but rather…us. Fact is, liquid human shit, way more disgusting than paltry dog shit.
And there was tons of it.
A murky liquid swamp of crap pouring out of the run off pipe in the far corner of our yard, deepening with each toilet flush.
How does this happen in today’s society!?
I thought the horror stories warning of flushing tampons, condoms or candy wrappers down the toilet was that of urban legend.
Why didn’t anyone tell me I am not supposed to do these things in real life!?
I mean, like, except for my dad…I am pretty sure once word spread I was menstruating, he told me not to flush my thingies down the toilet, but I just thought that was because we lived in the country, it was a different time back then, we didn’t have the slim Tampax Pearls we have today.
Now I have to spend my afternoon with a plumber, standing in my backyard, staring at my own shit, praying to fucking God he doesn’t pull anything bloody, latex or living out of that damn pipe.
And, all the while, not use my bathroom…which would be fine if I didn’t pee on the hour, and my tummy was too cumbersome to squat over the sink.
I might as well just pee in my yard, that’s where it is going these days anyways.
So, that has been my week, kinda crappy.
Knee deep in crappy, to be specific.
Now I am off to continue not peeing or pooping and listen to some good ‘ole Jingle Bells.
Take it home, boys…
{ 49 comments… read them below or add one }
My dog shit in my car this morning then proceeded to smear it all over the inside during the twenty minutes I was in the grocery store. I have a suburban. That bitch is HUGE and it took me two hours to clean up. I even had to wash the steering wheel, console and the kids’ carseats. Yep it was that awesome. Think of me as you wade through your human waste dump watching the plumber crack.
fecal apocalypse… classic!
Oh man. Sorry to hear about the world of shit you are living through at the moment (quite literally). It sounds really gross and disgusting.
I hope the poop dude can get it all straightened out for you STAT!
OH my god, same thing happened to us once a few years ago! TRULY disgusting.. hope your plumber got to the ‘bottom’ of the problem… and fixed it!!!!
Crap. So sorry to hear.
OMG. Just reading that made me gag! I hope it all gets fixed and fast!!
Once when we were kids my mom had to call Rotto-rooter… someone had flushed a fork down the loo… don’t ask.
Eeeewwwww, that stinks!
What an appropriate post to read during lunch time. Seriously Britt consider adding a disclaimer next time.
Oh. My. Ick. I don’t even know what to say. I hope the plumber fixes you up good! Pooey!
Oh, gross. Haven’t had this problem since we moved to our new(er) house, but in our last one, there was antiquated storm/sewer drain in our backyard that malfunctioned during large storms and filled our ENTIRE backyard with sewer water, floating TP and all. Good fertilizer, I guess. Thanks for the visit this morning — I’m a longtime lurking fan — I promise to be a better commenter in the future, share the love and all that.
Oh, Brit, doesn’t home ownershit–I mean ownership just ROCK?!? (that was originally a typo, but hey, it worked out beautifully, don’tcha think?) Anyway, love the brunette and I feel for you completely… I wouldn’t have, until I moved to the country. Now we’re on septic, and what you’ve described has been one of the things I hope to fore-go in my country-life-experience… Good luck with mr-plumber-man… I hope he’s at least great eye-candy so standing around in the stink is only 89% horrible instead of 120% horrible. Good luck with that!
there goes my appetite for dinner. i bet it smells dandy around your house!
Very ala Meet The Parents…
I’m really curious how you got the pug clean without tracking human excrement into the house and not vomitting.
oh, i am SO petrified that our septic will bust one day. ugh. sorry you had such a shitty week :-/
Sometimes I don’t have a response to these stories, except for a big grin.
:0
OMG-I am at a huge loss for words! Sorry!
Now you can call the puppy shit for brains and it makes sense.
Shit that sucks man!
Ugh! Our septic tank has been over flowing for weeks! And our landlord hasnt done a damn thing about it. I keep telling him the leaching fields are shot, and he needs to get this taken care of before the ground freezes. But I’m just a girl, so what the hell do I know! Never mind the fact that I worked for a septic system company for 2 years…
fuck.
Oh, that is brutal. When I was a kid we had a septic system that used to have this problem. Just, yech.
Let’s just focus on the joy of the President-Elect and that lovely baby!
Nasty…nasty…nasty.
I will be more careful what I flush.
I am so glad I am not a plumber.
(vomits)
I just …uh…
(vomits)
can’t….tal….
(vomits)
ohdeargodandsweetbabyjesus
(vomits)
stayawayfromthelight
(vomits)
should’vebeennicertomewhenIwasaround
(vomits)
fog clearing…
sweat dripping from lip…
haze clearing from eyes…
bile settling back down the esphagus…
sitting up, shaking it off…
ohsweetbabyshit.
Remembers.
(vomits)
Christmas music!
Yes, shit and all.
But Christmas music!!!
Fecal apocalypse = blog masterpiece!!
Sorry you have to deal with this. When it happened to us, I went to McDonald’s to pee.
you need to check into a hotel , spa, or hospital until the deluge is over.
and- I just thought of the world’s worst job. ever.
Fecal Apocolypse Eliminator.
Take that Joe the Plumber!
Didn’t you have some plumbing problems over the summer? I cant imagine being without a tolit and prego. Yikes!
Dude, that’s some funny shit. I know, I visited your backyard and laughed my ass off. And then I peed.
Oh, man. YUCK! You can use my bathroom if you want.
On the bright-side…imagine how green and lush your shit-fed grass is going to be next year for the baby…
Brings a new term to “Holy Shit!”
Good luck with your poopy yard!
And YES to the HOPE! THANK GOD!
That would only happen to you.
I only recently stopped flushing my tampons at home. They started clogging the toilet every damn time, so I deemed it best to stick them in the trash where they can fester. Super gross.
Also, sorry but I can’t stand Christmas music. Except for the Nutcracker, it drives me completely insane.
Poop. Sucks.
Better days are coming!
I just got back from the toilet. I had to vomit after reading your post! LOL
You poor thing. Pregnant and surrounded by poop. Hope the plumber gets it fixed quick!
Found you through Jen at Cheaper than Therapy.
Love your blog!
So sorry to hear about your little plumbling problem. Indeed that’s really crappy.
Hope it gets fixed so you can pee in your own toilet. Haha.
I’m sure I’ll be back!
Is it too forward to suggest that we may have been separated at birth?
I also appreciate the fact that you are not an everyday blogger – I’d never be able to keep up- so I guess what I’m saying is thanks for not over-achieveing- that’s really not meant in a bad way- although it may have sounded all wrong.
Anyway, I love your blog and I should probably shut up and stop writing now!
Ew.
Tampax Pearl are my tampons of choice, as well.
Hope your weekend is much less sewer-y!
1) was that a jingle bell youtube song? I am soooo NOT going to click it. So there.
2) Yuck. As in oh my crazy yuck!
Nightmares are made of that? Do they clean up the back yard?
yuck.
Love when I can get some perspective – I’ve been bitching about a never-ending ant infestation in our home…your liquid crap problem is way worse. Thanks for making my day.
I rent porta potties for our new constructions for $100/mo. They will deliver and pick up!
That’s the ONLY reason I obey the no-tampon rule:The embarrassment of having to face the septic guys.
Yuck–at least you have Christmas music; I’ve been listening to mine since Nov. 1
Oh, that is a terrible story. The same thing happened to us once, only we had sewage backup in our basement shower. Ick!
When the roto rooter guy came, he kept telling me how I need to make sure my wife understands she can’t flush tampons. He was pretty condescending, and my wife pretty much wanted to kill the guy.
I had a similar experience except it backed up into my kitchen through the toilet in the bathroom right by.
I handled it pretty well the first time but after I cleaned it all up with boiling water and bleach, put a load of laundry in the washing machine and walked away it all came back up again… that time I had a pretty impressive nervous breakdown.
So does this even the playing field between your home toilet and all those gas station toilets once and for all?
And I watched that Bing Crosby/Frank Sinatra special in its entirety one year, unable to look away like a highway accident. I think they were trying to show that even famous, popular singers/actors can have horribly awkward, inexplicable, creepy get-togethers just as much as the rest of us.
ga rossssssssss.
I am so with you on the internal prayer of “Dear God, please don’t let the two huge,hulking men standing over my sewer pipe pull out anything with a string attached.” Yep…great feeling…
the condom flushing takes me back to a really horrible story that I can barely stand to remember because if I do I may not be able to look my FIL in the eyes ever again.
Good thing hubs (boyfriend back then) had a friend to blame it on!