You know what I am sick of? Every other person on the planet who is pregnant and does not weigh almost 200 lbs.
You women. The ones who are barely showing, and when you do, it looks like you merely have a nerf ball tucked under your shirt. The ones who are soo frustrated that they are actually losing weight during their pregnancy, even though they are totally “eating Whoppers,” like, three meals a day (liars). The ones who are sooo big, that are wearing their husband’s tshirts and sweat pants around, because that illustrates just how huge they are.
Guess what?
You’re ridiculous.
You have officially fucked with the Doctor Approved Pregnancy Weight Gain bell curve.
You have set impossible standards that I, in no way, intend to meet.
When I am not pregnant, I love to eat. When I am pregnant, I love to eat more.
I can’t fit in my husband’s clothes. But, to be fair, I can’t do it when I am not knocked up, either (boobs and hips, folks).
My thighs are rubbing together, I am pretty sure I have a double chin when I am not consciously trying to suck it in, and I have upper arm flappiness.
I can’t fit into my wedding rings or my pre-pregnancy panties. So I opt out of both.
My bra size is shocking. Shocking.
My pregnancy weight isn’t going to fall right off.
I am not the girl you will see in the grocery store with a newborn, and be shocked that she isn’t the babysitter. I will still look pregnant. I may even show you my episiotomy stitches if you ask nice.
Oooohhhh weight, I am long since over you.
If that means that I gain a crapload with every pregnancy, so be it.
Just keeping it real.
My porn star boobs are hot.
And tagalongs are yummier by the box full.
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Well said!
#1: wait- you can suck in double chins? I am so doing that.
#2 Your sex toy dude emailed me about my silver bullet comment.
#3 Why is the last post in my Google reader the valentines cookies one???????? I just thought today “man, she hasn’t written in a LONG time…”
My pregnancy and BFing boobs were the best part! especially when we where at the beach when she was only 5mths old I just kept thinking to myself at least my boobs look rocking HOT in this bathing suit:)
I didn’t gain huge amounts of weight but my arse grew from a big ol booty to a extremly large ghetto booty!
just keep telling yourself you are growing another human inside you and that is hard f’ing work and you need all the food you can get your hands on! rock on girl and screw those tiny biotches
With my 1st pregnancy, my neighbor and I were knocked up at the same time, only she was due three months before me. Everyone thought we were due at the same time, I was that big. I understand where you’re coming from.
BTW, I thought out of all your readers, you had singled me out for hatred by magically removing your feed from my reader. Then I see Happy Hour Sue has the same problem, so whew!
Amen ! Inside me, There’s a thin women trying to get out……..But i can usually shut
the cow up with chocolate.
Getting fat is my main reason for getting pregnant. I know you only need to eat like 300 extra calories, but I’m looking forward to a total 9 month phone-in. Shit, I already eat like I’m knocked up.
“Ever wander into the wrong party wearing the wrong outfit? Wandering over here today is sort of like wandering into a Klu Klux Klan party wearing my Vote for Obama T-shirt.”
Um, I’m with this girl. I totally didn’t know what to say but she said it right.
Anyways, I still love your blog even if you hate my skinny ass. You’re so hilarious that I’ll forgive your evil glares.
New to your blog and loved this post especially the end! You are GREAT!
Just to be clear, any post that involves “episiotomy stitches” really ought to have a warning. If you hadn’t brought tagalongs into the mix, I’d be upset right now. But now I’m thinking of tagalongs in the freezer, and everything is okay…
Amen! Tagalongs are the best.
I ordered three boxes of tagalongs and three boxes of samoas this year. And it still wasn’t enough.
I got scared when my pregnancy bra size went into letters I didn’t even know existed for bras. I?? G?? WTF??
There’s a woman at my kids school that I hate. I share so you can hate her too. She barely looked prego, I hated her. She weighed about 100 pounds, then come to find out she had not one but TWO of those little bugger babies inside her. Now I really hate her, and her nannies and her “going to work out” matching outfits every morning.
How do you suck in a double chin? I need to know this, please.
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