I should preface this post with the fact that I feel absolutely horrible for anyone who has to live with me and/or be in a 25 foot radius of me.
Even I can’t stand me.
First off, I am exhausted. And exhausted is a word I used to toss around a lot, like one time when my husband and I were driving to Florida, and it was, like, 3am, and he was all, we are so going to drive straight through, and I was like, nooo, I have to go to sleep nooow. Plus, our whole car stunk of pork rinds and Root Beer, because we were in Georgia, and they have those things at every freakin’ gas station along the highway, and my husband thought he would totally like to eat that crap because Bo Duke made it look cool, but in reality, it was so totally disgusting. Plus, he thought that pork rinds were just like bacon flavored Cheetos, and I was like, nooo man, pork rinds are chunks of fried pig skin. Anyways, he eventually pulled over to this super scary motel along the highway, and even though our whole bed was literally damp with humidity and mildew, I fell sleep in about 4 seconds. I even woke up about an hour later to pull a centipede off my arm, and it didn’t even faze me, because that’s how exhausted I was.
But, this new kind of exhausted is way worse. And, if any of you are like, oh man, just wait until the new baby comes, I will kick you in the stomach. It’s not my first time at the circus folks, I know babies keep you up, and I am totally cool with it, because it’s how it is. I suck it up. I’m a survivor.
No, I am exhausted right now because my body is turning against me. The constant urinating, and back and leg cramps, and trying to stuff 8 pillows between my legs to stop the pain of what feels like a punter repeatedly kicking me in my crotch. And then, when I do get to sleep, I wake up in the middle of the dream where I am totally about to have hot sex with Jason Bateman in the elevator at the mall next to the Orange Julius, because yes, I have to pee…again. So, I go do that, and pretend I am just hallucinating that there is a scary green spider on the wall next to me, because I am too exhausted to scream, or, like, smoosh it, because then when I stumble out of bed in the morning, it would just make more work for me to scrub off dried dead spider parts off the wall. So now, I just stopped turning the bathroom light on when I go, and I just pray to God that there isn’t a spider hiding in the toilet, and then it totally bites my vagina or something, and I have no idea, except the next day, when I wake up to my labia, like, falling off or swelling up to the size of a softball, and then I have to go to the ER with my girly parts on ice in a zip lock bag, and it would be, I don’t know, super awkward. Except, if during the whole re-attatchment surgery, they gave me a catheter, because then, totally worth it.
So, until that happens, I am totally tired and am even in a serious, serious fight with my husband, which he totally doesn’t even know about. Mostly because he is, like, so fucking smug, like, every single night. He just lays in bed all sound and comfortable, having what looks to be REM sleep pretty much all night, even though he should know how miserable I am, laying just 1 fucking foot from his still body. And, he doesn’t even acknowledge me, or try to show any empathy, whatsoever, for my pain or struggle, even though I lay there all sweaty and achy, with one leg jacked up in the air, just glaring at him. All night.
And if that wasn’t bad enough, he is just constantly arguing with me about things I know to be fact.
Like, that if you eat peanut butter, your anus will fall off. Or, if I don’t have A1 on my steak burrito I will die. Or, that the new judge on Idol has an adam’s apple.
He’ll even dispute the obvious, like that a giant green, poisonous spider hiding in the toilet bit my vagina last night.
It’s all very rude and condescending and selfish.
Especially considering I am only growing, oh you know, a human life inside me.
{ 48 comments… read them below or add one }
that JERK – how dare he sleep! My first child kicked so hard while gestating if i spooned hubs it would kick him in the back and wake him up! Try eating grape nuts in his ear – that will be annoying and keep him up!
I’m printing this out and taking it home for my idiot husband to read. That dumb MF wouldn’t even help me stretch my achy legs last night so that I could get an hour of good sleep. At least I know I’m not alone…
OMG – now I’m in a fight with your husband too! And on top of him not knowing about it, he doesn’t even know who I am!
She does have an adam’s apple!!!
I remeber laying in bed – 3am – watching my husband sleep. I used to make extra noise when I went to the bathroom just to see if it would wake him. Of course, he never even flinched.
Men are trolls…all of them. They are born with the troll gene.
However, if a spider bits your labia, you may in fact be the first person to ever have both a tick and spider removed from their labia by a doctor!
I had leg cramps with my first….OMG, they are the most painful things in the world. Worse than contractions. I just had carpel tunnerl with #2, and I’ve got it again this time. Which is one more reason I think it’s another boy. That and the morning sickness and 15 year old acne I’ve had again this time.
At least once the babie’s out, you can totally sleep holding on to the little thing (or give her to hubs to hold) and you can sleep without having your insides battered.
Pregnancy wasn’t curse enough?! God decided we had to sit down to pee and expose our girly parts to those nasty spiders? What did men get out of it? They ate the blasted apple too!
What a tool! Kick him repeatedly in the crotch and see how quickly he becomes sympathetic.
whaddah jerk.
Oh girl. I am sorry.
I hope your hubby gets his mind right soon. Uggh men!
Yanno, I really don’t enjoy being pregnant this time. So I’m with ya sistah friend. Just knock me out and wake me when it’s all over. I’m ready to be done with pregnancy. It’s like being forced to sit through a really bad movie that you’ve already watched a few times…you know what’s going to happen, so why can’t you just fast forward to the end? Torture.
From now on, I will only get up at night to use the bathroom if my eyes are closed the whole time…
As for getting less sleep after the baby is born – this is true, but you can always hire a night nurse. We wouldn’t have been able to afford it, but don’t think I didn’t have my fantasies after the twins were born…
Why can guys sleep soundly without a care in the world no matter what is going on?
I just had to go search for you. I was like “where is that funny lady that is pregnant??” I have you updated now
I’m so glad I don’t ever have to be pregnant again!
How dare he sleep!
I remember when I was about 8 1/2 mos. preg. and I weighed like 600 pounds–I was in bed trying to get into some kind of position where I could maybe sleep for a few minutes and I said “I’m SO uncomfortable!” and my husband asks “Why?”
guys are such assholes- even when they don’t try.
wait a minute ladies…don’t get so worked up. we (men) are not all bad…and if we are to care for you properly…we need our sleep.
That baby you are carrying is HIS fault by the way. Don’t ever let him forget it. Bastard.
Whoa. Hold the phone BesideTalesMan. Men are totally not allowed to weigh in on this issue. Except maybe the man with a uterus, who’s having his second baby. He’s allowed to comment, but that’s it. Until you’ve been kicked in the groin from the inside, and had your nipples sucked raw in the not-fun/non-spring-break way, you are not allowed to comment.
Next time he’s all sleeping dreamily, write on his forehead with a permanent marker.
I love you! Seriously! Reading your blog is the most fun I have had…in…years!!
During labor with our first, the hubs was sleeping on the other side of the king sized bed that was not adjustable in the hospital cuz we got the leftover room as they were full to the gills. I’m moaning and groaning through each contraction and he rolls over and asks if I can keep it down a bit-he was tired and needed some rest. God was watching over him that night since there were no sharp tools within reach that I could stab him with.
You should totally make hubby wear one of those fake-pregnancy-things with the huge boobs and the belly… All. The. Time. so he can get an inkling as to what it feels like to waddle around at twice your size, but you’d have to stuff the belly with like baby chicks so that he could be cognizant all.the.time. about it being a life in there, and needing to be careful not just cause you’re trying to not knock stuff over… Then, you have to spike every single drink he drinks with tobasco and habajenero sauces (to simulate the heartburn), and diuretics (so he’d have to pee every 12.2 minutes). Then, fit his jockey shorts with some of those strap-on weights, but only on the hips so the pain will radiate down through every single joint from his hips to his little toes. Once you’ve done all that, you have to feed him an-every-4-hours-cocktail of meth and valium to simulate the hormone swings. On the two hours in between, he has to take Lunesta, but he’s not allowed to go to sleep in order to feel howfuckingexhausted you are. After all of that he’ll have an itty-bitty-inkling of what a pregnant woman goes through, because I’m not sure how to make him feel like his lungs are 1/8 their original size and you’re attempting to run the Boston Marathon, nor do I know how to give him food cravings that would make him claw through people like the alien in Alien to get those cravings, or how to make his feet swell so much he can’t wear socks, or like his crotch is constantly on the receiving end of an NFL 50-yard-fieldgoal punt.
I think you could totally write pamphlets for planned parenthood.
Oh, he really should know better. He should say yes to everything and bring home chocolate cake or chinese food or something equally craving worthy every night, and thank you you are carrying his child for, wait, ah yes, the third time!!
Men. They don’t get how much worse it can get, nor how to prevent it. Which is why they get 5 bonus points on their IQ tests, ’cause otherwise they’d never measure up.
The new Idol judge totally has an adams apple.
And a nut sack.
Trust it.
Mine mocks me every night too and then wakes up in the morning complaining how he “didn’t sleep at all last night” BS…I watched you. He’ll get his though!
Big *hugs* Brittany. It’s almost over!
When my husband falls asleep on the couch I like to take that opportunity to re-organize all our pots and pans in the hopes of waking him up. If that doesn’t work, I like to drop a cat on his face. That usually works.
Guess what? They even stay sound asleep AFTER the baby is born. I haven’t slept in 3 years.
I hope this ends for you soon…but now I am going to have a nightmare about the big green spider eating MY lady parts.
I don’t love Kara at all, but never noticed the Adam’s apple. Luckily, I am watching AI right now so I can check.
I hope you feel better soon, like somehow the baby shifts position and you feel superbly fabulous all of a sudden until she decides to make her grand appearance.
XOXO
I will feel sorry for you.
I totally get it, my last pregnancy SUCKED when it came to trying to sleep. I would lay there trying everything to go to sleep, all the while he would just immediatly start snoring no worries at all. His excuse: He had to work the next day so had to sleep-WTF like I didn’t need my sleep I was growing a freaking person and I would be responsible for his 3yr old the entire next day!
Hang in there there is a light at the end of the tunnel and it has to be getting brighter!
Awww
I’m delurking to say you have my sympathy!
p.s. I like pork rinds. lol just thought I’d share that.
#1 – I refuse to let my move to GA make pork rinds ok. EVER.
#2 – I cannot wait to see what our room looks like with these two sets of hooters in one bed.
It’s ok to FEEL stabby stabby at your husband…I hope you just manage to stop from actually BEING stabby stabby at him. Unless he’s well insured and then you were sleeping at my house the whole time and we went to dinner at 2AM at the Denny’s down the street and there’s video to prove it.
i hate when i can’t sleep and my husband is peacefully slumbering away. so rude of him.
If you werent married and I wasnt married and we were lesbians, I would SO marry you, just to be amused all the fucking time! You crack my fat NOT pregnant ass up! totally dude!
p.s. I hate the new bitch on American Idol!
Catheters ROCK!
what especially sucks is that you can never go back to that dream of the hot sex w/ jason bateman once you do finally go to sleep.
bring a fork to bed. Poke him in the ribs with it whenever you feel annoyed he is resting peacefully. Repeat as needed. Honestly, it made me feel better, made hubby tired, and reduced some of my anger issues. He chalked it up to insanity and hormones. Life went merrily along.
But man did I get pissed when he would steal the fork from under my pillow! I had an entire stash of sharp objects hidden around my room!
that fucking bastard. I will KICK his ass. As soon as he realizes we’re mad at him.
Holy crap I have super erotic Jason Bateman sex dreams too! ‘Cept, I don’t usually have to interrupt them with pee. Sorry about that. You are missing out cuz he’s totally a tiger in the sack.
I must have been sleeping because I totally missed your post. Looks like you have a new layout and everything. Really Cool. And it looks like your using WordPress now. I’ll have to make sure my feeds are all up to date.
Get some sleep.
when I would finally finally finally find a comfortable postion & fall asleep invariably my husband would wake me up because I was snoring. I did considering being a single parent on more than one occasion
Dang. I think I could get into Jason Bateman too, if there was an orange julius involved. He’s my wife’s celebrity crush.
Love me some Jason Bateman!
And, MAN I am glad I found you again. I seriously missed this shit!
Next time you see the big green spider, put it on his penis. Then see how smug he is!