I have been pregnant three times.
I can’t really say I’ve glowed through any of them.
In fact, I have no knocked up pictures from round one, and since I was carrying the weight of dos pregnancies the second time around, I have zip from that experience either.
The only documented proof I have of this conception is on the pages of this very blog.
It’s not that I don’t feel like a hot ass.
I don’t want to brag but I am a bit of a stunner.
Milk bags, rock hard abs..er…belly, smelling like a hot box of Chinese take out.
All I am gonna say is, it’s a good thing you can’t get knocked up while you are already knocked up, because I would be a baby factory.
But…the whole maternity photos thing, not my bag.
Some people, like those skinny bitches who look like they just ate a big burrito and need a good burping, look fabulous in their maternity pictures. Down right fucking magical.
Me? Pass.
Plus, I have been tricked into posing with a sheet draped over my naked body before, and I don’t need anymore of that shit hanging over my head.
And, where would I display them, anyways?
In my living room? In the dining room?
Then where would I put all my body building trophies?
Plus, outie belly buttons freak me the fuck out, I don’t need to stare at that while I eat.
And, Family Way Barbi, I am not.
Keepin’ it real, yo.
{ 49 comments… read them below or add one }
Becareful when she kicks, she’ll knock your food right over and when a pregnant mama is hungry and her food spills….watch the f out!
Great post– I wouldn’t want pictures of me as a human incubator floating around, either. But way to be resourceful– pregnant bellies make for good mini-tables in a pinch, and you have the photo to prove it!
That’s a really cute belly. Seriously.
F-ing luvin’ it!!!!! You’re one hawt momma!!
We thought you had gone off the air girl. We thought you had the baby because there were no updates showing up for us. Ah me the fucking genius. You changed over to wordpress. My crystal ball must broken. Very funny post as usual. Thanks
well, at least the belly comes in handy for something right?!
Outies? GROSS.
Beautiful belly!
So I guess making a mold/cast of your pregnant belly is out of the question?
I’m with you on the pregnancy photos…no can do. I always wished I could be the cute little pregnant woman that looked like she swallowed a beachball from the front and didn’t look like anything was going on from the back, but that’s not how it went down for me either. But on the upside, what a slammin’ shelf/table/armrest that pregnant belly makes–am I right?!
The cruel irony is that your belly would be the PERFECT place to rest a beer…if you could drink it. Maybe your husband can set his beer there; but only if he uses a coaster.
I have never understood why (most) women don’t want pictures of themselves pregnant– I would love to have a legitimate (magical/miraculous/etc.) reason to look not-super-buff.
I say go for it– post a real picture as a Fuck You to The Man. Your belly looks fine, and as others have pointed out, convenient.
You could always cover one wall of your dining room with a giant poster-sized print of someone else pregnant, with the face kinda blurry, right? Someone who you think looks better than you?
Revisionist history rules!
“smelling like a hot box of Chinese take out” is my favorite phrase of the day.
Pregnant pictures are highly overrated. Especially naked ones. No thank you. (Although I’m sure if you did it, they would be awesome.)
I have been pregnant 10 times. TEN times!! Seven live, squirming births and only 4 stretch marks. Talk about a Hot Mama. My oldest is 23 and my youngest is 2. I have a grandkid older than her.
My husband is so freekin’ proud of himself when I am pregnant, if I wasn’t pregnant already, I would be. Just like you.
Hang in there. And take pics, that can be your own little secret.
God we are so similar. I don’t think I have a picture of either of my preganancies. Maybe one and that’s a big MAYBE.
I was about as attractive as the good year fucking blimp.
You really look fab. And you don’t look like you smell like Chinese Take-out.
Look at that fantastic belly.
And the white tank…white hot.
i looked like a house when i was pregnant. not attractive at all! i know there are a few pictures of me pregnant floating around out there, but i think i look more like i am fat than pregnant. of course that could have to do with the fact that during my pregnancies it was fashionable to wear big loose clothing. none of this tight stuff you see now days. i can’t even imagine wearing stuff that is form fitting over my pregnant body. it would be scary! thankfully i can’t get pregnant anymore so i don’t have to worry about it!
You’re so money and you don’t even know it.
P.S. Tell her to get here already!!
I have maybe 10 photos where you can tell I’m pregnant. That is more than enough to document the joyeous (read: 9 months of barfing, diarreha, dry heaves, and Tucks medicated wipes). The hubby used the belly to hold his stuff at night-doofus.
You are smoking hot, so just think how sizzlin’ you’ll be once that little lady gets here!!
so I finally read your stuff… and I didn’t expect anything less from my protégé. hope you can play soon. laters..
I have like two pictures of me pregnant with the first….one my mom took while we were fishing (and I was pissed) and some from the wedding I was in 12 days before the baby came.
With my second, all of my friends were also pregnant or recently pregnant at this time, and into belly shots, so I have one set of shots from the first, second, and third trimesters.
And, I regret not taking more with both of them. Seriously, I felt fat and unattractive while pregnant, but once I was back to my (somewhat) normal weight, I regretted not capturing the pregnancy more.
So this time, I’m taking pictures every week (or as close to every week as I can remember to take them, seriously 2 kids have killed 75% of my brain cells). I still feel fat, gross, cellulite-y, and blah…but I’m sucking it up and taking them. And seriously considering professional pics this time since after this baby we’re adopting, no more gestating them myself.
Trust me, I’m still cynical at heart, and not one of those ‘it’s beautiful, I love it’ people, it’s just that I realized that my life revolves around the little monsters that have stretched me all out, and I realized I wished I would have documented their in utero time a little more:)
Plus, you can totally use it as ammunition later to be like “do you SEE what I went through for you? Do you know how uncomfortable it is to be that big? And THAT’S why you’re not getting a pony. I went through enough already:)”
Or…you could always show it to them in high school and be like “see what happens if you have sex? Do you want to look like this at your prom? No? Well then, keep you pants on!”
great. Now I want Chinese food.
I don’t have many from the first, I did get them out of hiding when I was preggo with the second to remember and I realized why they were in hiding.
but let’s face it a preggo belly is a great thing I mean hell your growing a freaking little person in there something is pretty awesome about that even if it made my ass grow to an enormous size.
I think pregnant bellies are cute, yours included! OK so did you see Douche ohh I mean Dooce on Oprah? she said she makes 40 freaking thousand dollars a month advertising on her site? do you believe that?
Plus, outie belly buttons freak me the fuck out, I don’t need to stare at that while I eat.
Ha! Excellent. Must agree.
I refused any pictures of my while pregnant, during birth experience, in the hospital, or even of the newborn…until of course she was all cleaned up , swaddled and taken far away from my birth canal.
I even remember keeping my eyes squeezed shut tight and didn’t look at the baby until they wiped all the goo off…
I am no earth mother…
Outie belly buttons!! Hell no! On my third pregnancy, my belly button popped into its outie state in like week FIVE!! And my neighbor dude had the balls to come up and TOUCH IT! What a freak! I’m like leave my friggin’ lil’ stub alone! I used to put a bandaid over mine at times just for peace of mind when I went out so no one else would be tempted to touch it.
And whateves with pregnancy pics. I have a few but the people who get all dolled up and pose naked for professional photographers while 9 months pregnant and stare lovingly at their belly gently caressing the life within….THAT freaks me the eff out.
I like your pic waaaaayyyyyy better.
I was pregnant at my wedding, so I have plenty of pics of me preggo. Been pregnant once, had one child…zero interest in doing it again. My daughter is almost 11 now, so I think it’s safe to say I’m done.
Great pic!
One of my favorite things about being pregnant was having a resting spot for my big ass bowl of ice cream. And you really are rockin’ the belly, whether you think so or not!
So freaking true.
I HATE those pregnancy photos. And seriously, where ARE they to be displayed?
I always felt like a huge COW.
I have one photo of myself pregnant. Taken from behind at month 8 of my first pregnancy. I was playing cards and someone took a picture of the event with my butt hanging off BOTH SIDES of the chair. HOLY CRAPPING HELL. There are some things a girl just doesn’t need to see…herself from the behind in month 8 is definitely HIGH on that list.
omagawd… you have me rolling on the floor, holding my sides… it hurts, it hurts…
funniest thing I’ve read in a long while, and that’s sayin’ some shit, cuz I read funny…
Goteeman –
“You can’t have mansLAUGHTER without LAUGHTER…”
I got really freaked out when I was little and I looked at my nephew’s mother’s “What to Expect, When You’re Expecting” and saw the belly button. I’ve yet to see one in real life and if I ever do get pregnant, I don’t plan on looking at mine.
LOL!! I am so with you on the belly shots! For some reason, when I’m pregnant with boys my preggo belly just looks weird. I was so glad to have gone to the stupid lamaze classes the first time only for the fact that I got to see tons of pregnant women who all looked really different… some of them even worse than me
When I was pregnant with my girl though, I had a big round nice belly from the start.. weird!
that’s a really cool picture!
The outie belly buttons is one of the funniest body freak things going.
Awesome! I hate pregnant celebs… just hate them. But you should be a celeb cause you are too funny. Will you be tweeting during labor?
Best belly shot I’ve seen all year.
And this is exactly the reason I’m in love with you!!!
Best damn blog. Ever.
I would do you. Plus what could be better than an extra table to set my paper plate of BBQ on? You rock.
Just stumbled on here, and had fun laughing. I never let anyone take any pics of me preggo because
a) my ass stuck out further than my stomach
b) my husband inevitably ended up taking pics of my chest and not my belly
Dude. Who wouldn’t want to hit that. Hell I want to hit that. And then we can share the bowl of chinese food.
I mean, I totally wish you had been around the past few days when I was confined to the couch. Because I would have made you lay on the floor; your belly is, like, the best table ever. Hope you pop soon!
Awe, I forgot all about the attached tv tray, AWESOME! I’m sure you look hotter than you think you do, can’t wait to meet the little girl you’re hiding under there.
I just had my LAST baby 7 weeks ago…last of FOUR. Obviously I’m a glutton for punishment, and I hear your pain. Fa’realz yo. I’ve always said I don’t glow during pregnancy….I STEAM.
Way to rock it!
You made me smile. And remind me why I don’t need anymore babies. Thanks.
The skinny bitches with tiny, basketball-sized baby bumps are starving their babies, that’s what I’ve decided. I’ve already put on almost ten pounds and I’m only 8 weeks.
I couldn’t have said it better myself. Those naked photos of my preggo friends freak me out a bit, and not necessarily something I want to look at if we’re having margarita night at your house.
Great post.