Holidays suck.
When you can’t drink.
And you spend the whole time running after your kids.
So they don’t break something (an urn).
Or lose something (heart medication/erection pills).
Or die (nosehair clippers in the socket).
So, I spend the day all hot and sweaty.
Repeating 20 billion times that, yes, I am due any day now, and yes, I am super excited, and yes, it would be hilarious if I went into labor right this fucking second hey why don’t you just stick your fucking hand up my vagina and strip my goddamn membranes, JESUSCHRIST people, I am trying to eat ham here, lay the fuck off.
Wiiinnneeeee.
So, now that that is over.
Onto this.
My youngest is two today…
sniffle, sniffle, mah baby.
Just like his brother.
For a whole month.
I often reminisce this time of year, about how much fun it was to show up at my 6 week postpartum OBGYN appointment two weeks pregnant, and having to explain why I listened to my husband, who self medicates everything with Tylenol Cold and vaseline btw, that he had googled it and found out it was scientifically impossible to get pregnant while you are breastfeeding. This from the man who still can’t unhook my bra and for five years, was convinced that the cervix was the bally thing in the back your throat. I was a dumbass.
A pregnant dumbass.
But, never the less, I gave birth to this adorable little man, and just thinking about how much I love him makes my heart leap and my cervix, er, throat tighten up.
And I would totally love to go crazy and celebrate with him, if I wasn’t so exhausted from Christ’s resurrection. Plus I am super pregnant. And I have a ham hangover.
So, I totally plan to do some sort of fabulous combo birthday party for the boys after the oldest turns three next month-ish. When the weather is nicer and I won’t have a double chin in all the pictures.
Until then, I am going to make him super special birthday pancakes and try to remember where I hid his birthday gift.
And then, I’ll spend the rest of the day pulling green plastic Easter basket grass from the throats of the boys and the pug twenty million more times because I am too lazy too throw it away, sit on my couch filled with stupid plush Easter bunnies they will never play with ever again, and eat leftover strawberry pie from the tin in my laundry day underwear and play with my outtie belly button.
Happy birthday baby.
{ 41 comments… read them below or add one }
Oh Yeah, buddy. COMPLETELY and UTTERLY sick of Easter.
That is one powerful cute kiddo. Happy birthday, little man.
Jay
Look at those eyes— watch out ladies!!! Happy Birthday to the little man!
Combo parties are the best. Seriously, for all involved:)
Happy Birthday, little guy!
I think that a month after I had my boys I not only had a double chin BUT I was still wearing my maternity jeans!
OH MY he is a cutie, I see why you keep popping them out-you make some damn cute kids.
Happy birthday to him and hopefully you enjoyed yourself and ate your weight in ham yesterday since you are preggo and all and have an excuse!
You can’t get pregnant if you’re breast feeding? See people, this is why we need to be teaching sex-ed in school. My husband didn’t want to believe me when I said that antibiotics cancel out birth control, either. Which is why the dumbass slept on the couch for a week with a Hustler.
listen that all sounds awesome to me.
Happy Birthday Munchkin!
awwwwwwwwwwwwwww, happy birthday little guy
Sounds like a productive day to me!
Happy Birthday little man!
Thank you for yet another fabulous post to start my day off with a smile. You rock girlfriend… love ya! And if it is any comfort to you, I drank enough wine for the both of us this weekend!
We stayed home for Easter this year and made everyone come to us. It was soooo much nicer than carting my super human crew around all day long!
Happy Birthday to your sweet boy and I won’t make any comments that will put any pressure on you.
Oh he’s SO cute and looks just like you! I held my little 7 week old nephew last night and my Easter ovaries totally did some hopping!
Just think next year you will have THREE kids 3 and under. FUN!!
he’s so cute! I never got an outie belly button- so jealous.
Yeah, that’s how I ended up with our first. “Honey, I learned ALL about the female reproductive system in paramedic school. We will wait until the new insurance is in effect before you go back to the doctor to get your pills refilled. I’ll simply mark the calendar on the ‘bad days’ and we’ll be fiiiine.”
I was pregnant two days later.
Cause COLLEGE is going to be WAY CHEAPER than paying out-of-pocket for those damn pills…I’m sure of it.
I totally spit coffee out my nose!!! The cervix is the little bally thing at the back of the throat? Please don’t tell what your husband thinks the G spot is!! LOL
Happy Birthday little man – and I know you love him, but you don’t want to tighten you cervix this week…think opening …wide!
OMG, I’m so happy that I’m reading your blog before we have kids! I’m both humored and petrified… Happy birthday to your little man!
Jen’s right- he DOES look like you! How adorable. Happy Birthday cutestuff!
Now repeat after me:
“Husbands.. (‘Husbands’)…are ignorant.. (‘are ignorant’)….penis-driven (‘penis-driven’)….dumbasses.” (‘dumbasses’.)
Ok then.
Happy Birthday W!!! Hope he has a great day! I can’t believe how much he’s looking like A. Ahhh…. two years ago I was wanting to kick your ass because I was swollen and pregnant and lamenting the fact that my due date was a week before yours and you got to go first!
Happy Birthday!
This is why we spent Easter at home…..then the sheriff showed up. Teenage girls can be a pain in the ass-lock your about-to-here one up in her crib until she is 35!!
Those eyes are amazing. Lots of girls are going to get lost in them.
aw man, he is such a handsome boy!!!
Are you STILL pregnant? Man, this has got to be the longest pregnancy in HISTORY! When are you going to pop that little bundle of pink goodness out already?!!
Oh yeah, and Happy Belated Easter
hahaha I was sooo in the same breat-feeding-women-can’t-get-pregnant boat! Funny how that actually DOES happen. No periods doesn’t equal no baby!
Good luck in the upcomming days. Can’t wait to see the little girl!
“so exhausted from Christ’s resurrection”<——– funniest thing I’ve heard on a long time!
Happy Birthday to your little man. Wow, you are fertile. Send a little fertility my way.
You keep a tin of pie in your laundry day underpants? That’s genius! It’s like a delicious secret just for you. I’ve got to try that.
Your kid looks just like you– that’s always funny to me. It makes me smile when my daughter is having one of her little rage trips and looks just like my wife.
I recommend you get some paper Easter grass next time, cause then at least it will just dissolve and mildly poison the bastards instead of choking them.
how weird, we both share bdays with our mil-s and our little ones share a bday. Happy birthday to your handsome little guy!
oh had I only been that fertile. God, the money I would have saved. Well, at least I’ve got her, that’ is all that matters and my fertility doctor has all my money so everyone is happy
Your son is adorable!
Ooofa. I’m with Jessica. Except thus far, my fertility doc is still trying to make me poor(er).
Your son is gorgeous, and he truly DOES look just like you.
Happiest birthday!
You are awesome.
I hate holidays for these very same reasons. And camping trips. Day trips too. Birthday parties, church, and most relatives too. Come to think of it- I just hate leaving the house most of the time.
I want strawberry pie.
This post cracked me up, but why do I suddenly have a hankering for ham?
Did someone say ham?
My hand to God I just finished the last hunk of mushy strawberry pie…sniff sniff I feel so close to you right now, mah Irish twin sister, super tight.
The boy is beautiful! He looks just like you
*snort* You listened to a guy.
just found your blog – love it!
I was that pregnant at Easter once.
Once.
Hellish holiday for a big belly.
You have a pie tin in your laundry day underwear?! Just kidding. I had to read that sentence again though for some reason, and it made me laugh. But most every sentence in this post made me laugh! Happy Birthday to your boys!
Happy belated to the little guy, I have three that are the same age for six weeks, yes they came out of the same body, just not mine, then mama turned around and did it again, so my twins have a sibling the same age as them from Nov 30 – March 1. This year, the ones I have were all four. We are still able to get away with the combo birthday party. Although this year they did ask for their own cakes. I guess my days are limited. But if they’re currently two, you have at least two more years:)