It just hit me I am going to have three kids.
I was in the bathroom, totally hating myself for the spicy chicken sandwich I picked up from Wendys and practicing some none hideous pushing the baby out faces in the mirror with the door locked, and the boys were literally trying to break the door down.
First of all, who can get anything done with that kind of distraction?
Secondly, holy fuck, there will be three of them.
This whole situation is totally not as Von Trappy as I imagined. No singing in the trees wearing cutesy outfits made from curtains. No harmonizing and stormy evening pillow fights.
It’s kinda like Jerry Springer..with midgets. Midgets with tempers who throw things at you and backwash into your drink.
So, I wake up each morning hoping that if I just keep them clean, full and alive, I won’t get hit across the face with a chair.
It’s insane.
In fact, the only reason I even managed to put pants on today was so I could go hide in my car and eat the rest of a Frosty I hid in the freezer.
And yet, here I am, desperately trying to work this third baby down the ‘ole birth canal.
Because kids are like tacos, and I can’t seem to get fucking enough of them.
Mmm…guacamole.
Either way, pregnancy is a funny thing.
You do it like rabbits to even get knocked up in the first place. Then for the whole first 12 weeks, you puke your guts out. And even super horny guys won’t have sex with girls who smell like vomit and have chunks of corn in their hair.
But then, the second trimester comes, and boom, you’re a porn star. In fact, you’d hike your ass up on the washing machine during the spin cycle if you could successfully lift your own body weight. Which you can’t. So you settle for making a run to Chipotle and taking the bumpy road home.
And then, your hips start to widen, and you pee when you walk, and the only way to put an end to all this misery is to stimulate labor. Except, you are a big fat cow who can’t see her feet anymore, and all you want to do is waddle to the fridge for more leftover cold hot wings from last night.
So, you weigh your options and decide giving birth would totally make room for even more hot wings. So, unfortunately, giving it up is the way to go. Plus, your poor husband is operating on a time crunch. He knows that as soon as that thing crowns, it’s like Punxsutawney Phil popping out and seeing his shadow, there ain’t going to be shit going down for at least six more weeks, so he has to make bank while he can.
So, I decided to make the best of the situation last night, and sent the boys to Oma’s.
First of all, holy pubey mcunderpants, let’s just kill to birds with one stone here and get in the mood with an intimate cleaning up of the girly parts. It needed to be done, and it’s not like I could see what the fuck was going on down there, so I thought, how hot would it be to have the hubs do it?
Holy labia.
It was literally like I had Scott MacIntyre down there hacking away with a rusty knife.
10 squirts of Bactine later.
Sexy time. Which is no longer resembles anything like the porn star days of old.
Nope. Now, having sex with me and my complete lack of control of my bodily functions is much like having sex with Al Bundy…except I am not drunk…which is a bummer, because it totally would have made the fact that I farted, yes farted, halfway through, much less fucking humiliating.
If I wasn’t operating on an agenda and was at all able to quickly roll off the bed without potentially farting again, I would have crawled into a hole and died immediately.
But I couldn’t.
So, instead we got dressed and went for tacos.
Mmmm…guacamole.
{ 70 comments… read them below or add one }
mmmm….tacos….
Holy fucking Christ that was funny. I almost don’t want you to give birth to this child. EVER.
LOL people are looking at me funny as I sit here cracking up!! You poor girl! Hope that baby comes soon!
After sex tacos? Yep. It’s the best!
So I’m all thinking of a comment to make about how good thing our husbands know that we used to be total frickin’ porn star hot when I realize my two year old is (and has been for like 5 minutes) jabbering at my side “why you baffin? Mama, what funny? Why you baffin? MAH-MAH Why you baf-fin?!!!”
I think that will be me in a few years. WHERE WILL THEY GO IN THE CAR?
PS- I told him I was laughing at farts, which in his mind is a totally reason to be distracted and laughing.
I’m laughing so hard I am crying and I think I just wet myself. Not a good sign since I am not pregnant and should be able to control my bodily functions!
I just can’t stop laughing at the truth of it all.
you poor thing. you poor poor thing. does your husband read your blog? and if so poor thing. poor poor thing.
i love you and your oversharing!
still laughing.
Dude you’re about to have three kids all under the age of 6 months* I think a little midsex toot is the least of your problems.
*I took liberties with the kids ages to make a point. Move along.
I more of a fajitas girl, but tacos are good too. I can see how they would be a great follow up for the situation. haha.
2nd trimested sex is THE BEST SEX EVER. I’m due with #3 in oct. Three kids under three. Holyfucksticks, what am I doing. Glad you’re going first, so I can read all about it
and btw. hubs with a razor in my nether regions. hell no never. you’re a brave woman.
Too effin funny. And really of all us women who have had children, who hasn’t been in that same situation? Love it.
If I could quit laughing I may be able to actually link something funny together. That was funny Brittany. Holy Guacamole. Great Post Girl
OMG! What if you lose your funny when you pop this kid? That post is definitely in the running for funniest shit you ever wrote! I could use a few more weeks of laughter, would you mind just crossing your legs, for me?
Lord, girl you are too damn funny. Get the hell out little baby!!!
That was so damn funny! “holy pubey mcunderpants!” I’m crying!!!
I had one of the worst days today and reading your blog just made me laugh my A** off. so thank you! You only have a few weeks left you can do it!
Sheryl
http://makaylabower.blogspot.com/
Without a doubt your funniest post. Well, okay, the one about your MIL pooping on your rug was a scream, too. You are officially my hero. I am replacing Jay with you as my stalker since he is quitting us.
Why do I find myself doing my kegels when I read your blog? Hmm….ironic.
Hilarious as always!
Oh dear. Nothing tacos can’t fix though!
ROFLMFAO!! been there, done that…thought that….omg. memory lane at its finest!
You are hilarious. I just wish you’d share more of the personal details, you know?
I’m am literally laughing out loud (you’re hilarious)… I made my hubby read your post
. We’ll be trying for #3 in the next few months (#1 just turned 3, #2 is 10 mths)… I can totally relate (well, almost).
OMG you are too MUCH! I’ll think of you when I go to Chevy’s Saturday night…having spicy for the baby not farting!
You know, I read your post, and after I finished peeing myself all I could think of is how glad I am that my husband and I can have normal sex and go for tacos afterward. Then I popped a handful of birth control pills and washed them down with a beer for good measure. Seriously, you should submit this to Planned Parenthood.
Well I Lol at work thanks to you!
Then called one of my co-workers over to read it. (She is childless and is trying to concieve). She came back and said. “Omg why are they doing it in the state she is in, we will not be doing that”..
I told ohhhh yes you will, everyone does! You just don’t know what month 9 brings. You will do just about anything to get that baby moving out. That post was hilarious. Loved it!
I just love how you get distracted mid-stream throughout the post. Really clever. Makes me hungry too.
How many just did a Kegal when they read Leslie’s comment?
Shit that was funny, my hubs always said he was taking one for the team with late pregnancy sex! Which for us actually worked since we did the deed and I went into labor that night 8days early!!HELLYEA she came out early.
I will be looking to you to keep me sain this summer since I will not only have my 2 kids (just turned 3 and will be 7 soon) and the kids I thankgod get paid for (4mths now & just turned 2)-have I mentioned I HATE poop and since 2 of the 4 will be shitting in their pants I am not looking foward to it. Hey at least the baby is Super cute and it makes it a little better.
and after sex tacos sound Yummy.
WTF is wrong why won’t my fucking comment work!!! I keep getting an error message WTH
How many just did a Kegal when they read Leslie’s comment?
Shit that was funny, my hubs always said he was taking one for the team with late pregnancy sex! Which for us actually worked since we did the deed and I went into labor that night 8days early!!HELLYEA she came out early.
I will be looking to you to keep me sain this summer since I will not only have my 2 kids (just turned 3 and will be 7 soon) and the kids I thankgod get paid for (4mths now & just turned 2)-have I mentioned I HATE poop and since 2 of the 4 will be shitting in their pants I am not looking foward to it. Hey at least the baby is Super cute and it makes it a little better.
and after sex tacos sound Yummy.
IS this thing working??
I give up I can’t get my long comment to post for some unknown reason
I am gonna freak the fuck out it’s gone now and I will have to retype it SHIT!
You incorporated blind dude from Idol.
BWAAAA HAAA HAA HAAAAAAAAAAAAAaaa!!!
I hope you don’t look like you have the mange down there. Your OBGYN and the nurses will surely have a laugh at your expense if you do.
How have I NOT been reading you all of this time? And how pregnant are you? Thanks for the reminder of how much fun the end isn’t. I’m feeling a little greatful for my non-knocked up status right now.
I am dying.
I am so making guacamole now
Can I just say I love you? Seriously. You have a way of blogging what I’m thinking but am too skeered to blog myself.
This is hands-down the funniest thing I’ve read today. AWESOME post!!! Lol.
And I’m with you on the guacamole. I hated it until I got knocked up. Now I can’t get enough =P
you aren’t right…but in the best way possible…I luff you! I’m so not ready for this nonsense!
I’m so glad to know i’m not the only one who has farted during sex. Except I wasn’t pregnant. And it was only, like, the fifth or sixth time I’d had sex with my then boyfriend, who, by the way, ended up marrying me. Go figure.
So ridiculously true about the cycle of pregnancy! Laughing my butt off over here. And now I want tacos!
I have farted during and not even had pregnancy as an excuse….
Hey! When are you due again? Are you going to be Twittering during the delivery because that would be awesome.
Holy smokes! Aren’t you glad he cleaned your plow before you farted on him???? LOL!
So my burning question…you going for numero quattro???
You FARTED on him!!! ROFLMAFA!!!!!!!!
Oh, you really need to just email these to me every morning so I can get my happy on. Oh jesus, that was JUST what I needed. I love you.
ok, now THAT was funny!
I totally have a non-sexual-girl crush on you, seriously.
And I fart during sex-I’m gassy, what can I say? It would take a lot more than the occasional toot to keep him away, especially now that we have to play ‘hide the sausage’ for medical reasons. Damn enlarged male nether-regions that need more blood flow.
ROFLMAO – pubey mcunderpants!!
Re: 3 vs. 2 kids….you’ve gone from ‘man-to-man’ to’ zone’ defense.