General Tso’s guide to labor and placenta eating.

Lots of sex.  Doggy style.  And lots of walking. 

Wow.

Really?

Thanks for the tips overweight former male teacher from grade school.

I love unsolicited labor advice when I am randomly standing in line behind you at the pharmacy.

Especially from hairy, fat dudes from my past.

Because now I have to picture you banging your pregnant wife.

Who I have never seen.

But can only picture as a female clone of you, but without the bald spot and hairy knuckles.

This is my life. 

I can’t leave the house without labor tips.

My phone rings constantly.

Is the baby here yet?

Yup, sure is.  Birthed it in my half bath earlier this morning, and I am now making a weirdo hippie stew from the placenta, but thanks for calling to check in, I completely forgot to call you, MOM.

So, I am a little pissy and exhausted. 

I walk, lots. Even though it hurts so bad I literally limp the last leg of my block holding my vagina.  Swear to God.  I don’t even give a fuck at that point who sees it, it feels like it will fall off. 

I eat lots of spicy food.

I force my husband to have sex with me. 

Which contributes to both our exhaustion.

In fact, I fell asleep yesterday, dreamt I had sex with him, woke up sore, and then argued with him for an hour about the whole event even happening.

And, the onlyreason I believe him is because I also dreamt I called the lawn guy to book our summer service and bought a package of orange push pops from the Schwanns guy who was really a robot.

Am obviously more productive in my dreams than in real life.

OH EM GEE, even as I type this, my left boob just leaked.

That’s weird, I am right handed, so I always assumed I was right boobed as well, but apparently lefty is taking the upper hand this time around.

Or it could just be Sprite. 

Either way, the pug is eyeing it.

But, I am not going to let him lick it.

I think we’d both feel weird about it for the rest of the day.