Lots of sex. Doggy style. And lots of walking.
Wow.
Really?
Thanks for the tips overweight former male teacher from grade school.
I love unsolicited labor advice when I am randomly standing in line behind you at the pharmacy.
Especially from hairy, fat dudes from my past.
Because now I have to picture you banging your pregnant wife.
Who I have never seen.
But can only picture as a female clone of you, but without the bald spot and hairy knuckles.
This is my life.
I can’t leave the house without labor tips.
My phone rings constantly.
Is the baby here yet?
Yup, sure is. Birthed it in my half bath earlier this morning, and I am now making a weirdo hippie stew from the placenta, but thanks for calling to check in, I completely forgot to call you, MOM.
So, I am a little pissy and exhausted.
I walk, lots. Even though it hurts so bad I literally limp the last leg of my block holding my vagina. Swear to God. I don’t even give a fuck at that point who sees it, it feels like it will fall off.
I eat lots of spicy food.
I force my husband to have sex with me.
Which contributes to both our exhaustion.
In fact, I fell asleep yesterday, dreamt I had sex with him, woke up sore, and then argued with him for an hour about the whole event even happening.
And, the onlyreason I believe him is because I also dreamt I called the lawn guy to book our summer service and bought a package of orange push pops from the Schwanns guy who was really a robot.
Am obviously more productive in my dreams than in real life.
OH EM GEE, even as I type this, my left boob just leaked.
That’s weird, I am right handed, so I always assumed I was right boobed as well, but apparently lefty is taking the upper hand this time around.
Or it could just be Sprite.
Either way, the pug is eyeing it.
But, I am not going to let him lick it.
I think we’d both feel weird about it for the rest of the day.
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let the dog lick the boob, maybe it will help start labor
The last few weeks are so brutal. I hope something works for you soon.
The comment I loved the most towards the end?
“You’re STILL pregnant?”
If I could have seen my feet, I would have kicked everyone who asked me that.
Unsolicited LABOR ADVICE?! Ugh.
I hope that it happens soon!
Don’t you love how you are getting unsolicited advice about how to take unsolicited advice? LMAO
TY so much for making me laugh. Love reading you.
I feel for you. Obviously I am not THERE yet but I still feel for you, having birthed two other children myself. I hope baby comes soon. And if it makes you feel any better (which I’m sure it won’t but I still feel the need to share) my boobs/nipples are KILLING me this pregnancy. No one can even LOOK at them!!
Oh my GOD. LOL You had me cracking up about arguing with the husband over the dreamt-up sex.
you are hilarious and wrong.
and I think I love you….but I also don’t want to lick your boob. just so we’re clear.
Oh my gosh that is hilarious! I love it because I can so remember when and relate to this story – BUT you put it into a bit of a comical tone. Great post and sorry you have to get labor tips everywhere
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