Lots of sex. Doggy style. And lots of walking.
Wow.
Really?
Thanks for the tips overweight former male teacher from grade school.
I love unsolicited labor advice when I am randomly standing in line behind you at the pharmacy.
Especially from hairy, fat dudes from my past.
Because now I have to picture you banging your pregnant wife.
Who I have never seen.
But can only picture as a female clone of you, but without the bald spot and hairy knuckles.
This is my life.
I can’t leave the house without labor tips.
My phone rings constantly.
Is the baby here yet?
Yup, sure is. Birthed it in my half bath earlier this morning, and I am now making a weirdo hippie stew from the placenta, but thanks for calling to check in, I completely forgot to call you, MOM.
So, I am a little pissy and exhausted.
I walk, lots. Even though it hurts so bad I literally limp the last leg of my block holding my vagina. Swear to God. I don’t even give a fuck at that point who sees it, it feels like it will fall off.
I eat lots of spicy food.
I force my husband to have sex with me.
Which contributes to both our exhaustion.
In fact, I fell asleep yesterday, dreamt I had sex with him, woke up sore, and then argued with him for an hour about the whole event even happening.
And, the onlyreason I believe him is because I also dreamt I called the lawn guy to book our summer service and bought a package of orange push pops from the Schwanns guy who was really a robot.
Am obviously more productive in my dreams than in real life.
OH EM GEE, even as I type this, my left boob just leaked.
That’s weird, I am right handed, so I always assumed I was right boobed as well, but apparently lefty is taking the upper hand this time around.
Or it could just be Sprite.
Either way, the pug is eyeing it.
But, I am not going to let him lick it.
I think we’d both feel weird about it for the rest of the day.
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God, I hate when people feel that they get to give unsoliceted advice just because they shared an elevator with you. For the 6 months before I got married anyone who caught sight of my ring felt the need to give me the secrets to a fabulous wedding and a happy marriage. Irony, considering 9 times out of 10 said stranger wasn’t sporting a ring of their own. I found that the best coping mechanism was to tell thank you, but my fiance already has 6 wives so I think he knows how to make a lasting marriage. In your case, you should tell them that you’re just surrogate mothering for a sterile orangutan.
if one more fracking person tells me that my inability to sleep is just my body’s way of preparing me for getting up with a baby my. head. will. explode. This is a load of crap, it has nothing to do with my body preparing me mentally and everything to do with the 15 lb bowling ball lodged under my rib cage and pressing on my spine. Ughhh its going to be a long six weeks.
Oh my, sweetheart. You poor thing. I will send you lots of labor inducing vibes so hopefully you will get this baby out soon and then all the unsolicited labor advice will only piss you off because you aren’t actually pregnant anymore.
People need to keep their effing mouths shut.
i can’t wait to hear baby stories! i am way more excited about this than i would have expected. it’s not like i can come hold the baby or anything! i’m counting down to see who goes first – you or my neighbor’s dog. i am far too excited about those puppies as well.
i think i need a job. or something else to occupy my mind. seriously.
Yuck, I always wondered if people actually eat the placenta.
I am still scarred from the act referred to as sex that I used to induce labor. Not fun, and not pretty.
I thought you meant your teacher was a tranny when you said “formerly male teacher”. Like now he’s female.
What, you’re not eating the placenta?
carry mace … that might help
Sorry for all the calls, love mom.
Thank you… I needed a barefootfoodie fix.
You never cease to satisfy the cravings for chuckles (and pee-my-pants laughing) when it’s been a long week!
“Yup, sure is. Birthed it in my half bath earlier this morning, and I am now making a weirdo hippie stew from the placenta, but thanks for calling to check in, I completely forgot to call you, MOM.”
ROFL!!!
So, is the baby here yet? haha just kidding! I’m sure that if you kill someone you could get off on temporary insanity. Then you’d get a nice little vacation to the state hospital and you’d have enough blog material for a lifetime.
GOD HAVE I MISSED YOU!!!!
Hilarious as usual. You need your own show….
Babies, Bras & Blogging…… Has a ring to it
Maybe you should write a book about all the painful and gross things that happen when you are pregnant….so that the women who just aren’t sure if they want to have kids can make an informed decision. I could write the prologue and talk about how awesomely awful they are when they are 17 years old.
I think that if folks are gonna be giving you labor tips, you should reply with fashion, weight, and personality tips for them. Might just make a few folks think twice about opening their holes and annoying a poor miserable pregnant woman again.
The waiting is the absolute worst part. Torturous.
I think we could all contribute a chapter to the book Miss Yvonne proposes – although maybe we could just tell you the ideas and then you could make them even funnier.
Speaking of Sprite, I should know by now not to drink it while reading your blog. Those bubbles really sting when coming out one’s nose! I don’t have your phone number, but if I did, I’d probably be phone stalking you like your mom instead of logging onto your blog 13 times a day and checking twitter to see if you’ve gone into labor yet.
Thank you for making me laugh. I really needed it today.
I’m goinna colaborate with Yvonne and Dana about the teenage chapter. It will keep all young girls knees crossed. Why do you think we call our youngest teenaged girl Spawn of Satan? she is the poster child for abstinence.
I, too, stalk to see if you’ve posted you are in labor. Sorry-I’m freaky deaky that way!
Soon the robots will be delivering the Schwans……
Maybe you should let the dog have at it- you know they say nipple stimulation brings on labor, right?
Sorry- had to do it….
By the way though- it worked for me. Tested out my new manual pump and went into labor like 3 hours later. 5 days before my scheduled C, which really sucked because I was looking forward to no labor.
Carried 2 boys, 21 months apart both to 42 weeks.. I heard it-A-L-L!!!!
I feel your pain, quite literally.
Sorry about your crotch, I remember those days. Except it was mid-winter and I had to walk around the mall with my legs as wide open as I could manage while still continuing to move forward. And weird mall walkers would slow down and stare at me. Hideous. And then we would drive BACK to the doctor’s office, where she would examine me and monitor my contractions, then sadly shake her head. “You’re at a +2, but the cervix is stll closed tight.” Cruel. I never did triumph over my cervix. That bitch.
She’ll come out when she’s damn good and ready – I guess I’ll just keep waiting. (sigh) Welcome to being the mother of a girl. Good Times.
dude, im RIGHT THERE with you. trust THAT
Just my daily lookin to see if the baby has arrived yet. I tell people that the last month lasts at LEAST a year!
No advice from me. Thanks for laugh today.
LOOOOOOOOOOOOLLLZ @ the ‘completely forgot to call you, MOM’ bit!! omg fucking hilarious.
Seriously, thank you for making me laugh today. I needed that.
sorry you’re feeling crummy… none of those things ever worked for me, both my kids ended up failed inductions. fun stuff. i got the same phone calls from my mom. so many, in fact, that i decided if i ever DID go into spontaneous labor, i would NOT call her. hehehe. lucky for her, my cervix is a jerk.
Pigs eat their placentas… and sometimes their piglets.
It is wrong that baby-pig smoked bacon sounds really tasty?
Have you tried a trampoline yet? Or maybe a laxative? Both of ‘em should get stuff moving around down there.
That due totally just wanted to talk to you about doggie-style sex and figured you being ridiculously pregnant was probably his only chance. Dirty old teacher man.
This was hilarious. Brought back many fond (?) memories of my wife’s pregnancies. Hang in there, and keep writing!
Crap. Meant “dude.” Not “due.” Maybe that was Freudian pregnancy reference. Note to self: proofread comments befure clicking sumbit.
Both my kids were a week late, so I can totally sympathize. When I called anyone I had to start the conversation “I’m not in labor!”
With MJ, we headed for the hospital at 4 am and had him by 8:30 so we actually didn’t call anyone (including my mom who had my older son) until after the delivery.
I’m excited for you! I have no assvice, cause nothing worked for me and the spicy food just caused me to go into labor with spicy, awful shit. Which wasn’t cute.
My dad called me every.single.day for two months to ask if I had had that baby yet. I swear I might just have another one and not tell him for a year just to get him back.
The stranger advice/commenting is just bizarre. My first pregnancy I’m in line at Boston Chicken, minding my own bidness and this woman asks me if it’s my first. Upon hearing yes she tells me labor is no big deal, that it feels like the biggest dump you’ve ever taken.
And she was right. Thanks, lady with side of macaroni and biscuits.
Why is it that once you are pregnant every stranger possible thinks they can give you unsolicited advice and criticism. I can’t even count how many people told me, “you don’t look old enough to have a baby.” To which I wanted to say, “well obviously I am.” or the over and over again, “How far along are you? Oh, you are teeny, you can’t possibly be that far along.” Well actually I am and I gained 40 lbs and had a 8lb 1oz baby but thanks for your criticism! People suck!
I always like to shoot back with a long, extended explanation of my hemmrhoid. You know, the size, color, the name I gave it the night before when I thought it was the baby coming out of my ass. That generally turns the annoying inquisitor a strange shade of gray that always make me wish I had a camera to capture their stunned face. “Say Cheese!” Pregnant, vagina cheese that is!
Good lord, woman. you crack me up and make me say things I SWORE I would never say in public.
I swear as I was about to bring one life into the world, I could have easily taken another out if ONE MORE person fucking asked if I had the kid yet!
That’s the worst thing about pregnancy to me and I was on extreme diet restrictions and had to inject insulin twice a day- BUT DON’T DARE ask me if I’ve had the baby yet!
Cracking the fuck up right now!!
Good to know you’re right handed…and left boobed.
I have no advice for you – except go for the epidural . and try to push it out before all the good food places stop delivery service.
People who give advice suck.
So anyway, I would advise you to hang in there.
Oh, I totally have labor-induction advice for you, and it’s guaranteed… Stop taking or listening to any and all labor inducing advice! (eyeroll)
At this point, how you haven’t managed to bean someone in the head with the nearest blunt object when they tell you how to go into labor is a testament to your massive patience. Good Mommy! Seriously, try to forget about it. Girls are stubborn and contrary so if she thinks you want her to show up, she won’t. Act like you couldn’t care less and she’ll show in no time. How’s that for some advice? Oh yeah, and run hubby ragged making him get you Chipotle and other pampering stuff… continue to take advantage of the way-pregnant-carrying-your-child-for-fuck’s-sake-next-one-is-growing-in-your-body situation while you can.
Pugs have no boundaries.
That’s why we wear sleepware when they visit cause my hubs has been ‘greeted’ at inopportune moments a time or two.
girl I needed that to get me thru this 4 kids day!
and I like what Ben said-get on a trampoline:)
My wife was induced on her due date both times, due to high blood pressure, so I am of no help here. The only thing I can think of is scaring you LIKE THIS!
Did it work?
Maybe that’s only for hiccups.
I remember that last month of pregnancy x2.
I walked, had the sex, ate the spicy food and the raspberry leaf tea.
Nothing.
I swear it was because I was SO constipated, so if that is your issue get thee a enima stat. It wouldbe pretty but it will get er done.
OK, seriously though. I think I may start inserting your blog link into all of my emails. You are too damn funny to horde all to myself anymore. It is kind of lonely reading your blog, and not having my own blog wholly dedicated to discussing your blog. I may need to remedy that.
Thanks for the humor.
I am sorry. I hate this part of pregnancy. Just W….a…..i….t….i….n….g…… and everyone asks.
Is she here yet?
How bout now?
Love your blog.
Sorry about your owie vagina.
Next time someone tries to give you unsolicited pregnancy/delivery advice……cock your head to the side, give them a blank stare, and say, “What are you talking about?! I’m not pregnant!”
I went to a special doula who was “known” for inducing labor. She spread towels underneath me in case my water broke and talked to my stomach and said “baby boy, mommy’s cervix is ripe for your delivery.” He must have had the volume turned down because it took another 1o days for him to be born.
Ohhh, I haven’t seen a Schwann’s truck since I moved away from Ohio. My grandma used to get these huge cardboard vats of ice cream all the time, aaaannnndd now I’m craving ice cream. Great.
Hope you pop this one out soon!! Good luck!
I don’t get it. Did you or did you not have the baby?
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