So, I had a baby.
And she’s lovely, and wonderful, and she smells like fairy dust and cookies.
Seriously.
She is delicious.
I could eat her.
Whole.
And childbirth?
Childbirth was magical.
My body became an embodiment of the soul of mother nature, my insides twisting and turning to release this new force of life into the world.
Snort.
It was totally bloody, gory and hurt like hell.
Now, I am usually first in line to spend the day pantsless and drugged up in a reclinable bed eating my weight in red jello, but…did I forget to mention…I am allergic…to epidurals!?
Mother of Christ.
Of all things unfair in the history of the world (Anoop going home, Janice Dickenson leaving ANTM, and the fact that the McRib is still just a seasonal menu item), an epidural allergy!?
Really Jesus?
Why don’t you just punch me in the throat and cancel Dirty, Sexy Money just as Patrick was about to go public with his hot transsexual girlfriend….oh wait.
So, it was a long, painful day.
Made more painful by the lack of mini bar, the hospital wifi’s nazi ban of twitter and facebook, and the two carry out boxes of all you can eat Mandarin food from the hospital cafeteria my husband ate in my room.
Which was fine. I was too busy crunching ice chips and visualizing his death by random bald eagle attack to want to eat solid food…for an entire day.
Ahhh labor.
You get me every time.
Other than starvation, things were going swimmingly, just idling the hours away on a plastic puppy pad as I ooze liquids and expletives with each contraction.
And then…things happened, and her heart rate dropped to almost nothing, and they couldn’t get it back, and it became some kind of bizarre haze of activity, with nurses running everywhere, and oxygen masks, and stirrups, and whispers of wheeling me off to a scary OR somewhere becasue I was only dialted to 7 and she needed to come out now.
I was hysterical.
Just when they were about to wheel my terrified ass from the room, by the hands of God, my OB checked me once last time, and in the span of 45 seconds, I had dialted from 7 to 10, and holy fuck, the baby was coming out, now.
And she did.
She flew out in 3 pushes.
Leaving a track of umbilical cord and torn skin in her wake.
But I didn’t care.
She was alive.
And, she didn’t have a penis.
Sure, I can’t sit or poop without crying, and I spend my evenings giving the shower head the business end of a downward facing dog.
But, I can sleep on my stomach, enjoy a cold beer on my deck and eat questionable, room temperature lunch meat.
Plus, I have my girl.
And things feel sore…and exhausted…but totally complete.
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Wow, she looks so much like you already, don’t you think? Beautiful! I hope she likes Chipotle.
You have had 3 babies with no drugs?? You are my hero.
awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!
sorry about the tearing thing :-/
Those eyes! That perfect skin tone!! Those precios perfect hands!!! Is she doing the Trekky things with her fingers or just a fan of Mork? Are you sharing her name? Just promise me it’s not Mindy.
She is magic.
Oh, and if I were allergic to epidurals I would’ve had my uterus removed after the first one. I’m just sayin’.
She is so beautiful!!
The same thing happened with my daughter, but I was dilated to 9.5 so they just did an episiotomy to get her out faster. I also did it without drugs, but by choice. If my labor was more than the 5.5 hours it was, I think I would have had to shoot myself…..but it was quick and intense.
Congratulations!! She is beautiful.
Sitz baths are awesome!
Congrats. Thanks for a wonderful post. Your baby girl is beautiful. I am happy both Mom and Baby are alive and well. God Bless
Your baby is beautiful! Congratulations from everyone here at Upstage Left. We are happy for you (except now Mr. Butterfly is begging me hard-core to have a baby).
awwww…. she was totally worth it. she’s adorable. many congrats.
She is precious.
so is your description of childbirth sans epidural.
can’t wait to hear more!
(now that you’ve perfecting sqeezing a watermelon out of your ya-ya…what’s next?)
What a pretty little girl!! No-wait-she’s a BEAUTIFUL little girl! Hope your lower end feels better soon! Wow-an allergy to Epidurals-that does suck!
Welcome home!!!
She’s gorgeous and you deserve beer AND chocolate!!!
That is such a “girl” thing to do… pull a life-threatening-drama so that you will always and forever remember she’s a miracle (even when she comes home with hickeys on her neck) Congratulations again and God Bless Y’all!
She’s so beautiful!
The best way to spend 5 minutes while my boys are napping = reading your post! The random bald eagle attack reference will stay with me for a long time. Congrats, SHE is beautiful. I bet it feels great to use words like her and she after two boys
she is beautiful…
Loved this post. She’s such a beauty!!!
Poor Brittany!! Honey, she’s just gorgeous! Simply gorgeous.
Enjoy your cold beer and questionably warm meat
and kiss the sweetness of that bebe for me!!!
Congrats on your daughter! My little pink one is just about 4mos old now and I just want to take a bite out of her all the time too! Love’s it! I had an epidural though but it ran out just as I started to feel pressure so I couldn’t get anymore and felt wayyyy more giving birth to her than when I gave birth to my son. Does this mean I’m going to have more trouble with her than with him?
Seriously, most fetuses looks TERRIBLE when they pop out of the lady envelope, but your daughter is CUTE!
Damn it, you made me cry! She is so beautiful. She looks like she smells of fairy dust and cookies. Good job, Mama.
Ohhhhhhhhhh SHE IS SO PRETTY. It made me all squiggly. And you’re hilarious. How can you be hilarious just a few days after childbirth?? IMPRESSIVE.
Britt! She’s gorgeous!!! And I love the name!! You’ll have to bring her into the salon sometime when I’m up there! Congratulations!!!!
She’s sooo adroable!! Been waiting to hear the birth story, knew you’d tell with such class
Love it!! So glad everyone is healthy & doing good & wishing you less soreness down yonder!!
She is so beautiful and sweet!
So, that means natural child birth? I’m impressed. Wow! You so deserve a beer.
Childbirth is so freaking scary. Man-o-man.
Your baby is just about the cutest newborn I have ever seen. Normally newborns are funny looking. Mine was~ she looked like a little bald Persian man.
Wow, natural childbirth….you ROCK!!! I could never do that. When I had my son I got the epidural as soon as they let me. I was mad when they turned it down even just a little for the pushing!!
She is so precious! Two boys and a girl. Awesome! I know we all are curious….what’s her name?
I really enjoy reading your blog. You are hilarious– always making me laugh.
Umm . . without being too rude — Holy Shit You are Hilarious and effin’ congratulations you amazing and fantastical woman !!! Love you !!
Best birth story I’ve ever read!
She is so tiny and cute. (And this gives me hope that one day my decade long gestation WILL END).
Also? I am probably not doing the epidural either (Long story, none of which includes any desire to be natural and in pain) so that part had me nauseated with fear and admiration.
Oh. My. Goodness.
This post is GREATNESS.
Why have I not been here before?
Will be back. She’s beautiful…
Most excellent. And she’s already gorgeous.
Congrats! She is super cute!
She is ABSOLUTELY BEAUTIFUL!
Congratulations.
She is absolutely angelic looking.
Congrats on finally getting your baby girl!
I had more to say, but then I got to the pic. What a sweet little girl! Congrats:)
Third times a charm! I learned in Developmental Psychology that babies born without the use of epidurals develop 6-8 weeks faster that babies born with meds. So, I figure my first child will be a brainiac and then I decide that the next one doesn’t need to be a developmental Speedy Gonzalas.
Oh she is beautiful… congratulations to you… and um, what a birth story! I had an epidural nightmare, too. With my second baby. OUCH. Anyway, congrats again!
Congrats! What a sweet little girl you made.
Sorry for the drugless labor and the tearing. I know those well, which is why for #2, I was doped up like Lindsay Lohan the second I hit that L & D floor.
She is absolutely stunning! OMG she’s just gorgeous!
She is breathtaking!!!! Congrats!!!
She is so beautiful.
Awesome.
AWESOME!!!!!!!!
I got your blog from my cousin, we LOVE your updates. You’re sincerely pee your pants funny. This last blog though is special although be it funny too. I adopted my daughter at birth and wouldn’t trade her for ANYTHING!! So I must say although we paid in other ways I’m so grateful my hoo-ha is still intact…Ouch!!!
Wonderful! And, yeah, sucks about the epidural allergy. That’d be enough to make me think twice about having another kid. As if I’d know. But even without knowing, gah!
She’s beautiful. You’re a rock star. Hope you are having fun and able to get at least SOME sleep!
Aw! She so sweet! Congrats, congrats…
And as always, thanks for keeping it real and poignant all in the same sentence, God love ya !
She’s precious! Congratulations =)
Yay!! A big congrats to you!! Amazing you’re online typing away so soon. You must be a birthing goddess.
I couldn’t have an epidural either, thanks to scoliosis surgery at age 13. Yeah, let’s just say it’s not a fair or just world.
So glad it all turned out well.
I’m new here, but am glad I came!
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