Rule of the universe #485748…You will always look like crap when you run into your ex-boyfriends mom in Target.
While you are there shopping for hemoroid cream, maxi pads and giganatic brief cut underwear.
Always.
And, you totally want to tell her you just had a baby, and your hair isn’t always flaky and stuck together in big greasy chunks, and you are normally totally on top of plucking your eyebrows, and you totally own nice shirts without pit stains and dried leaky milk spots on the front, but, you’re too tired to explain, and you can’t be sure the folded tube sock you used in place of the maxi pad (that you are totally out of!) isn’t leaking down your leg righthissecond.
There just isn’t time for the explanation this tragic situation clearly deserves.
So, she just smiles, looks you up and down, and talks to you about how kick ass her son is doing, with his skinny hot wife, and their new boat, and the third world orphans they just adopted, and you smile and nod, but what you really wanna say is, listen bitch, your son had the smallest penis ever, and his breath always smelled like ranch dressing, so his skinny wife and the orphans can keep him, I ain’t missing a thing!
So, after five more minutes of passive agressive banter, because, after all, you did dump her son right after homecoming and she is clearly still bitter, (and while she thinks it was because you were only using him for the limo, you secretly know it was because he stole your underwear twice, and oh yeah, his breath smelled like ranch dressing!) you say goodbye, and make your way up to the check out. After you stop to grab a big bottle of KY, because your six weeks of celebacy are almost up, and there is no way things are going down, down there without lots of lube and, probably, whiskey.
So, as you wait your turn behind the old smelly lady with 900 tiny cans of cat food and 500 coupons, it only makes sense that you ex boyfriend’s mother finds her way behind you in line.
Which is wonderful.
Because now you are her son’s ex girlfriend that wears huge underwear and likes anal sex.
What the fuck, universe?
I digress.
The parents of the boys I dated in high school never liked me.
Never.
Which, I never quite understood, because my friends were way bigger whores than I was.
I didn’t even put out.
But, I did fancy myself some push up bras, swear words, and flirting with daddies…sigh…I guess some things never change.
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You rock my world, you hot mess. So sorry, but that was hilarious.
I love it… thanks for making me smile this morning, I needed that!
“…folded tube sock you used in place of the maxi pad” LOL! So many great visuals in such a short trip to Target…and BTW, hope ya enjoy that KY ;o)
Thank god it wasn’t the shopping trip when you’re buying duct tape, heavy duty plastic trash bags, rope and a shovel. Because that would really look bad. Great story. Thanks for the laughs.
Now see, my response would have been along the lines of, “adopt, you mean he can’t father his own children???” Or something close to that. So pat yourself on the back for being the bigger person and go enjoy your lube.
So you were that teasy girl who didn’t put out. I think I dated you. She probably thought you were trying to sleep with her son AND her husband. Well done. Also, thanks for continued awesomeness here on the blog.
LOL. A tube sock… the thought never occured to me. I agree with badassdad. You were totally like me, I was a horrible tease. I flirted with everyone and never put out. LOL
I love reading your posts! And hey, look at the silver lining. I tend to run into ex boyfriend’s themselves…at least he wasn’t with mom for a family trip to target
wow- I think we were the same person in high school! Moms always hated me! The universe sucks!
Rock on! You are hysterical. And it’s true, there’s a Murphy’s Law book out there somewhere that dictates that this scenario must happen only when you look your possible worst.
Moms always liked me, but that’s because I was a secret whore and they didn’t know I was banging their sons.
Hemmoroid cream.
I hope the tube sock you are using as a makeshift maxipad is clean. It would suck balls for your to get athletes foot on your vag.
Just lookin’ out for ya!
LOL! Oh holy shit, that is heeeeeLARIOUS! Aw man, don’t worry. I bet his wife isn’t THAT skinny. And everyone knows that bad ranch breath never truly goes away.
Floozy!
But really…ranch dressing? WTF?
I’ve told you before, but it bears repeating. I LOVE YOU! You are too awesome for words!
Oh my god I’m CRYING, this is unbearably true, I’ve been there, I have DONE that. Oh man, lady. Ohhh man.
Too fucking funny. I’m surprised you resisted the urge to whip your boob out, squirt breastmilk in her face, and then continue checking out as if nothing had happened.
Yea athlete’s foot on the whoha just days before the sex hiatus is up would suck big time!
I am glad I never have run into an ex’s mom. I did have an ex stalking me on Myspace so I made sure to have lots of pics of me looking hot with the hubs and my super adorable children, just so he would know what he was missing.
Oh and I hear they have a new KY that is suppose to make the big O a lot better, just saying cause I know it’s been a while.
The mommies might have hated you, but I bet the daddies secretly loved you long time.
Also, this is the one reason why I’m glad I don’t live in my hometown.
Okay weird…my comment just disappeared.
I was trying to say that this is exactly why I do not live in my hometown.
Six weeks? You’re a better woman than I am.
What’s wrong with coupons?? I have, like, 500 for lube.
I will never look at tube socks the same…LOL!!
I think the Mom’s liked me, but most of my exes had dysfunctional home lives so those women might not really have registered that I existed. Thank god my Mother-In-Law likes me, cause I would hate to be on her bad side.
On another note – yay for lube!
I never run into any people I know when I am having great looking days, its always the days the girls are on my last nerve and I am telling them just how I feel about something and viola someone from the past looking all perfect & pretty and super calm pops out of the aisle right next to me.
You are not alone.
haha. nice. I always look like crap when I run into people I know in stores, I hate it.
OMG, you totally dated Brad Pitt in high school, didn’t you?! What, with the skinny, hot wife, new boat and third world orphans? You can’t fool me.
AND this also means Brad Pitt has a little penis. I can’t wait to send this post to Perez Hilton!
That post deserves a delurking. Thank you for making me LOL today. I so wish you could have told that bitch about her son’s mini-penis and his rancid salad breath – but she wouldn’t have believed you anyway. Not her son! Sadly, you’ll always be the bitch in her eyes. At least she’s not your MIL.
I gave up trying to make sure I always look nice. It just takes too much work!
Once again you have managed make me spit soda all over my monitor. That was great. Thanks
ooo have fun with that KY!
Thanks for posting, I truly liked your latest post. I think you should post more frequently, you clearly have talent for blogging!
EW! Ranch dressing breath!!
Thanks for writing, I truly liked your most recent post. I think you should post more often, you evidently have natural ability for blogging!
Don’t you know that you’re supposed to duck and hide at Target when you spot a bogie?
AH, that’s when it pays off to never have been with the same boy for longer than a few weeks – you never got to meet the parents, just spoke on the phone. Fat chance they will recognize my voice after 20 years
And you know, it doesn’t matter, because in a few weeks you’ll be back to your hot self AND have the cutie baby, and he’ll still be the creep who stole your underwear and whose breath smells like Ranch dressing.
BTW, just because I apparently have changed into a total illiterate idiot, I do know you had the lovely babe already, so that part is done. Just the first few weeks post-partum are just as un-hot as it gets, if I remember correctly. heck, that shit is worse than labor.
And now I sounds like a total bitch. I promise I didn’t mean to sound disparaging, you know I am one of your aspiring groupies.
Haha, love it!
I, too, had a run in with an ex from high school, except it was, like, the DREAM encounter, because I was dressed for a pre-halloween celebration, and decided to wear hospital greens I’d gotten when I gave birth to play a doctor, complete with my own stethoscope, and wore it into the pharmacy to pick up my prescription, and ran into his mom! Sa-weet! Turns out, he wasn’t doing too well, and there I was, seemingly a doctor! haha I had a long chuckle about that afterwards.
Nonetheless, the small penis bit made me LAUGH SO HARD, been there done that and don’t care to repeat. Y’know how they say a man’s choice of a muscle car is to make up for ‘other deficiencies’, that ex’s mom is probably doing the same, flaunting the ‘skinny wife’ and ‘boat’ when in actuality, his small penis couldn’t land a girl, so the boat was compensation.
So, keep on keepin’ on, at least she can clearly see you’re gettin’ some while her son isn’t!
Funny crap. This happens to me quite frequently. And I’m *SO* going to start keeping a pack of tube socks in my car.
Whiskey will help with the sex for sure, if not lube it up!!
Tube socks work.
Maybe the universe just thought it should get the really awful one out of the way? I mean, the next time you run into the parents of an ex-bf, it can’t possibly go that poorly, right?
Because that wouldn’t be fair.
You never fail to amaze me with your ability to set a scene so well with words. I felt like I was right there with you! I lucked out and my high school boyfriends parents loved me-I think more than the in-laws I have had for 20 years……time to feel bad about myself again.
Get all hotted up (is that even a word?) and track her down and show her what she never got as a DIL-and bring a big tube of KY as a peace offering!
i thought i was the only person who dated boys with ranch dressing breath. glad to see i’m not alone.
This is why you send the husband to the store for such items. Speaking of, I’m sending mine right on back to Rite Aid when he wakes up because he bought the wrong stuff.
And hey, at least you aren’t stuffing huge hospital issued maxi pads in your stomach apron flap to protect a damn incision from jungle rot because you’re sweating like a damn pig and that area can’t BREATHE. THAT’S hot, my friend.
L.O.L. LOLLOLLOL! Ohmigoodness! Holy heck! lol that was the best! I love you ha ha! I think you’re superb, tube sock and all, Madame Hottness. My hubby thinks so too
I’m with Heather–and I’m not at all surprised that Brad has a small dick. Well, I guess I’m surprised that he has one at all.
Loved this!
Uggg God, happens to me all the time especially the KY Lube at the register part, oh, and the whothehellputcriscoinmyhairwhileIwassleeping part…
Great story! I was dying laughing. So glad my friend told me about your blog…
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