Five days ago today, I asked my husband to mail out a package for me.
It’ s just hard for me to get out these days.
Unless it’s for burritos riddled with guacamole.
Or milkshakes.
Or any food, really.
But, mundane tasks that don’t involve a drive through are just a bit too much for me to handle. They require interaction with, like, people. People who judge if you have a kool aid mustache or if you’re wearing a skirted maternity bathing suit and knock off Ugg boots. People that, frankly, I just don’t have the time or hygiene skills to deal with at this time.
So, you would think knowing all this, and seeing that I barely shower or brush my hair, and that I walked around for 3 whole hours with a dum dum sucker (cream soda, best flavor ever!) stuck to the back of my sweatpants, that my husband would do me a solid and mail my package for me.
Um, no.
Which seemed selfish to me, so I was all, what the hell, Andy, I stood in line at the post office for an hour once to mail a gigantic model airplane for you. And he was all, I’m busy and important, and you don’t even have a box to mail it in, so I was all, so what, they sell boxes at the post office. Dumb ass. But, he was like, it’s candy and a purple vibrator, and I was like, duh, and he was all, I’m not waiting in line at the post office to mail candy and a purple dildo, which made no sense and, clearly, he needed a quick lesson on the obvious differences between a vibrator and a dildo.
At which point, he stopped me, because we were in church, but whatever, we were sitting in the back, so the priest totally couldn’t see me mouthing the words dildo or giant veiny penis, and as for the old lady in front of us, she had one leg that was, like, super swollen and way bigger than the other normal old lady leg, so the cock talk was probably the highlight of her day. I mean, she didn’t have a wedding ring on, and anyone who has one gigantic leg, and one normal size leg on top of an unfortunate lady mustache, probably totally already owns a vibrator, anyways.
Regardless, the package was time sensitive, and needed to be shipped, because it was a wedding gift, and he was all, what kind of person gets someone a vibrator and strawberry pop rocks as a wedding gift? And I was like, um, we do.
I mean, it was that or hand towels.
Who the fuck wants to open hand towels?
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What, you didn’t get her the gravy boat?
Best. Wedding. Gift. Ever. Seriously, who wouldn’t love pop rocks.
Can I have a belated wedding gift please. Its only been 2.5 years.
I’m inviting you to my wedding. Infact, I’ve decided to get married only because I want to invite you to my wedding. I’ve been un-engaged to my ‘I’m to old to call him my boyfriend’ for 11 years… maybe it’s about time? Plus our child won’t be a bastard any more.
See? This is why a vibrator and pop rocks are a way better gift than hand towels. Though they could help with clean up.
I’m inviting you to my wedding. I’ve actually decided I’m only getting married so I can invite you to my wedding. I’ve been un-engaged to my “too old to call him my boyfriend” for 11 years, so it’s about time right? Plus then our kid won’t be a bastard anymore.
See? This is why a vibrator and pop rocks are a way better gift than hand towels… Though they would help with clean up.
I don’t even know how exactly I stumbled across your blog, but I’ve become a faithful reader. Thanks for making me giggle! And I’m starting to think I need to find some different friends, ’cause nobody has EVER given me a vibrator. Though… I AM pretty picky so I guess it’s for the best. I mean, what if I needed to exchange it?
you make me very happy.
and at least he’ll talk (argue) with you about it at church! Some people (cough my man cough) seems to regard church with some outrageous amount of respect refusing to even discuss doing it while there.
I found you through the BlogLuxe awards. I am so glad I did…even though you are totally kicking my ass. I have now added you to my Google Reader…because I have found out why I am losing by a landslide! You are freaking hilarious!
You are the awesomest ever! Why couldn’t you have been my friend when I married my ex? Huh, where were you then? Oh, wait… I shouldn’t have been there either! Hehehehe, I can’t believe you sent him to the post office with a vibrator and pop rocks!
wow, i never got any wedding gifts like that. although i’m pretty sure we got a glass pipe… or maybe it was a bud vase. who knows.
Sweet googley-moogley I would have LOVED a wedding gift like that! All we got were potholders, dishes, HAND TOWELS and other house crap (as if we needed any of it). Would have been WAY more fun to get a useful and fun gift.
Wait. Are the pop rocks for use with the dildo (or was it vibrator). Cause I’m not gonna lie. I’m expecting the same gift when I get married.
I love it! I don’t know why he wouldn’t want to stand in line with that. He could totally ask the old lady behind the counter what size box was required for it! And then giggle at the pun.
My boss totally got us his and hers edible underwear for our wedding:) Best wedding present of the whole lot. And reason #6923432 that I love my job (most of the time).
I had to mail out a gift for a bachelorette party one time, and we have a UPS office where I work. Obviously, I’m going to use it because it’s so easy and you don’t have to pay until like 3 weeks later. I wrapped it like 3 times in wrapping paper though, I didn’t want the wierd guy in shipping to know what I was shipping out. He looks at my boobs enough as it is.
hmmmm. I’m getting married in 12 days and we’re abstaining for the month before, so that makes it… 19 days sans sex and 12 more days to go, SO I could really use a vibrator.
Ha, ha, ha! Too funny!
So if I can talk my hubs into renewing our vows will you please send me a gift. Pop rocks are awesome, and well hell who couldn’t use a purple vibrator
I wish I could come up with some witty comment in response to your post because it is awesome, but alas… I can’t. So I’ll just say that I love you and I’m so glad I found your blog.
Pop Rocks rock, as do cream soda dum dums
You should have told him, it was on the registry, and you always buy from the registry!
Could you imagine..”the bride and groom are registered at Eden Fantasys!” Rock!
OK. Thank you, Jesus. Because I thought you mentioned something about shipping it last week when I was basically crying about all the stress and how we need some sort of spark. And, I had some hope in the back of my mind that you got an extra vibrator for free from Eden. So, everyday I’ve been looking for that
littlebig package. Nothing. Then one day I came home and there was a package. It was huge. I thought FOR SURE it was from you.It was a coffee maker.
Damn you, ANDY!!!
Then Laef read the Bloggess’ post and said something about how we didn’t need the package from Brittany…I should just give him a blow job.
Damn you, ANDY!
I got married in 1995. I never got any cool stuff. I’m gonna buy myself a wedding present and mail it to myself today. Because MY husband wouldn’t remember to mail it either. Unless I was mailing him a BJ in a box. Then it would be overnighted.
A hand towel might come in handy after using the purple vibrator. Especially if one attempted to integrate the strawberry pop rocks into said vibrator use. That could get messy for sure.
i just had to google the difference between a dildo and a vibrator.
No no, when you send it in the mail it’s a “massager.” Like the post office people don’t know what that really means…
xo
I just found your blog through that contest and I love it!!!
…and (whispers) I kinda like hand towels, what else would I mop up spitled juice with??
Your blog is one of the hightlights of my day. You are just too much and I LOVE it!!!!!!
Asshole. He probably just wanted to keep the PopRocks for himself. And then your friends would be all “Hey, thanks for the vibrator!” and you’d be all, “Aaaaand?” and they’re be all, “And…the box?”
And then it would get quiet.
Maybe he just really wants to keep the purple veiny penis vibrator for YOU…
When the bride opens the gift, she will undoubtedly say to her intended…”do me a favor honey, and don’t do me. I’ve got a date and some rocks to pop!”
Now Im curious. There’s a difference between the two?
I think a follow up blog post is in order because I am twirling my pearls at the thought of googling that.
i’ll be back to comment, but right now i’ve got to run out, find a man, trick him into marrying me and send you an invitation. because hello? who doesn’t want a purple vibrator and strawberry pop rocks?
HILARIOIUS.
(ponders why she didn’t put vibrators and pop rocks- watermelon, tho, def- on her own wedding registry.) LOL at your rockin blog!
“…because we were in church…” HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!! I totally wasn’t expecting that!!
Then again, I wasn’t expecting the Pop Rocks and veiny vibrator wedding gift either!
As someone who is (ahemm) a little older than you, after 20 plus years of marriage, my supply of crisp linen, totally useless hand towels is still hanging in there. And I’m so with you on the drive thru and the people. Most days I look like I must be terminally ill or nuts
You are my type of gift-giver. When my friend was married a few years ago, my husband and I sent the Kama Sutra and a box of sex toys.
Seriously, it was that or a soap dispenser. And the Kama Sutra, I THINK WE CAN ALL AGREE, is much more interesting and useful. And probably more relevant to MARRIAGE.
Really! WTF kind of wedding gift is THAT? Do you think you should have tossed in some lube maybe?
I never wanna be the one w/ the unfortunate lady mustache. You’d tell me if I had one, right? And take me to the asian waxer? And pay?
Too fucking funny!
BEST. POST. EVER.
I kept laughing and my wife keeps asking me what’s so funny and of course I had to tell her that I couldn’t tell her what was so funny because we have a 13, 7 and 4 year old in the room with us and she tells me that I should shut the fuck up and stop laughing if I wasn’t able to tell her what was so funny and so now I finished reading the post laughing (sort-of) on the inside.
Way too funny.
You are my guilty pleasure. My secret guilty pleasure of the blogging world. My secret borderline pornographic guilty pleasure of the blogging world. And I love you.
I obviously did not have good friends when I got married because i got like sheets and mixing bowls, no one got me candy and a vibrator!
Hey, nice post, really well written. You should blog more about this.
You are totally invited to my next wedding
(I like silver or black)
JT
x
i got here via the twitter machine and i love this post.
That is genius I tell you! Definitely going on my list of gifts to give for that person that has just everything.
Are the Pop Rocks and vibrator, like, in conjunction with each other??
thanks for the giggle
I’m trying to figure out if the pop rocks will be used in conjunction with the dildo/vibrator. Because that just might cause a vaginal explosion.
You make me want to renew my vows.
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