So, six weeks ago, this little piece of girly yumminess popped out of me.
Ok, not so much popped, as exploded out, leaving in her wake, total and utter vaginal destruction. But I’d hate for the horrific reality to overshadow her cuteness.
Regardless of the gory details, she’s here.
And for six weeks, we have been adjusting to our new life.
My husband and I, we’ve done this twice before, taking the time to get into the groove of our new normal, dealing with, now, three screamy, messy, full diapered midgets, with needs and wants and holy crap, they will fucking cut you.
And, as any new parent will attest, the no sleep, the crying, the filth…it’s stressful as hell.
We’ve seen it take it’s toll on our friends as they welcome babies into their lives. We hear their desperation and depression, their fights, their unhappiness.
And, we are so thankful we don’t go through that.
Because for six weeks, we live like dudes.
Fucking dudes.
Ok wait, not like fucking dudes, because, well, this is part of the point, we don’t fuck, because, like, I’m not allowed.
Just, you know, stop picturing me with a soul patch and stay with me here.
I just pushed a baby out of my vagina. A baby. Followed by a entourage of umbilical cord, cottage cheese stuff, blood and a placenta the size of a roast.
So, aside from my inability to sit without crying, pee with out screaming, or poop with out biting down on a leather strap, Andy is also dealing with his own set of post traumatic issues.
These six postpartum weeks of doctor ordered no nookie, are a welcome break for both of us to, well, recover, both physically and mentally.
So, for six weeks, we focus on the kids, on adjusting, on keeping everyone alive, and fed, and clean-ish.
We don’t worry about squeezing in sex or looking hot for each other.
Fuck, aside from the occasional fist bump after another successful day of no one dying and/or setting something on fire, we barely touch.
Which is great, because then I don’t feel bad about dressing like an asexual high school softball coach, and he is kept at enough of a distance to not rub up against the embarrassingly high elastic waistband of my granny panties.
I don’t shave anything, I don’t brush my hair, all my shirts have two big, hard circles over the nipples that smell like breast milk, and the garbage in our bathroom is overflowing with bloody phone book sized maxi pads.
Sounds hot, right?
Well, it’s not.
That is, until our six weeks is up, and I have to start waxing and smelling like something other than old yogurt, and my husband has to remember my vagina is not the lower ninth ward, but rather a place where puppies and unicorns hang out, and like, sing and eat cotton candy…but in a totally hot, fuckable way.
And, today is that day.
The day I get declared healed and open for shop.
The day I put away my big scary underwear and my perineum bottle, and pluck that one weird black hair off my boob.
But, I have a feeling I still might need the leather strap.
I’m kinda skanky like that.
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Good shit as always darlin’. Now go hootchie yourself up and let the sexin’ BEGIN!
Hell yeah whip him into shape babe!! At least there won’t be any ticks down there for him to find. Hahaha!!
Dude. “But in a totally hot, fuckable way?” Where the hell do you come up with this? Loves it!
Seriously, that is one adorable baby.
More seriously, just remembering the whole first 6 weeks postpartum including postpartum sex- makes me scared. Very, very scared. I never want to be in that place again.
My hubby said, tri-tip…but roast is very similar LOL!
Good lube, I mean good luck!
I mean both!
You just described the last 6 weeks of MY life!! LOL
Umm, yeah. I really think you needed a warning at the top specifically telling me NOT to read this post. Cause I trust ya. And if you tell me not to read it, I wouldn’t, because you said so. Or, at the very least, you shoulda put the picture of the adorable baby at the end. You know, to remind me why this is all worth it. Good thing hubs already uncorked the wine. Cause I really, REALLY need my once a week alotted glass right NOW.
wow, can’t believe it’s been six weeks. guess it’s good you already stocked up on the lube!
and right now I am thankful that I had a c-section because dude, three weeks later and I’m feeling pretty damn normal and stuff…
Have I told you how absolutlyfreaking adorable she is?? I may have once or twice but whose counting
How’s that whole baby vagina thing going? still scary as hell isn’t it:)
Hope you got it all shaved up and be sure to invest in lots of lube. Make sure to keep the bra on, wouldn’t want any random squirts of breast milk to ruin the overdue sex.
Oh and for heavens sake make that man wear a condom so you don’t get knocked up again!! Although you do make adorable babies
Six weeks?
I told my husband six months, Oops.
No, really, good luck!
Adorable baby!!!!
My youngest is 14 and I still feel the scar tissue pain from the stitches.
I was baby hungry after holding Loralee’s baby today and then I read your post. FUCK THAT. Pugs are way easier.
I laughed at that 6 week marker. I was like – no effin way.
vaginal destruction? hilarious.
6 weeks my dick.
My youngest is 6 and I still haven’t been cleared for sex yet. As far as HE knows.
Have fun!
Uh, clarification here. When I say “he” I mean my husband.
I’m no Michael Jackson.
Although I do love to grab my crotch and say “Heee Heee”
I’m dying. Fucking dying! you are hilarious. I don’t think there’s a word that describes the depth of your hilarity. Seriously. Thank you for writing so honestly and REAL.
Having had two kids myself, I can relate to every single word of this post. The hard circles over your nipples, the biting on a leather strap, the overflowing garbage of bloody maxi pads. omg. memories!
Dangit! I had roast for dinner. UGH Brittany, THANK YOU.
Enjoy the post partum sex!
And now, I thank God for not one, not two, but three c-sections and that my lower quadrant has never been ruined by 9 pound babies.
As a mother of two I really enjoyed that post! Thank you for your honesty and sense of humor.
Oh, and your little girl is beautiful! Thanks for posting the fantastic picture of her! Congratulations Momma!
See, now I bet if hubby thinks that unicorns and rainbows reside in my hot-box, then maybe my box would get hot from time to time. Some of the shaving and plucking the weird black hair from my boob would help me too. Don’t judge me just cause you’re only 6 weeks from bringing your gorgeous munch-kina (girl) into existence and I’m 26 months from bringing my cutie munchkin (boy) into our bizarre little home…
If you don’t win funniest blogger there is no justice in the world. And, I was in no rush to get back on that horse, so to speak.
O_O Adoption doesn’t sound bad
You are like crack, you know that? I know I shouldn’t read it, because I’ll never want to have babies. But, I love it so much and I just need the read!
So, good luck with the maintenance and have fun tonight!
Just remember, it’s nearly July, and we know what July does to your uterus:)
OMG hilarious. LMAO @ “entourage”.
Good luck…I so remember that feeling of your husband (well, not YOUR husband…) about to go for it and you’re all “really? Is this a good idea?”
p.s what’s wrong with asexual softball coach couture? I rock it every day.
You mean after six weeks we’re supposed to stop living like that. Damn.
Six weeks seems like, eh, not long enough. I mean, I’m willing to let the crusty shirt go after six weeks, but the blast site down below STILL feels not ready sometimes, after two years!
Gorgeous baby.
1) You are fucking hilarious! I had to start taking my laptop into the bathroom and reading your posts on the toilet, since I’m going to pee myself no matter what.
2) Your baby=adorable. Seriously, if I could put some brie on her head and pop her on a cracker and enjoy with wine, I would.
3) Your pregnancy posts are single-handedly keeping me from reproducing. Congratulations.
OMG! Congrats (I think)!!
P.S. Don’t forget the lube!!!
P.S.S. I voted for you again! lol
I can’t believe it’s already been six weeks. Wow!
Enjoy the good times! Maybe it’s a good thing you bought that lube after all…=)
I found you at Sarah’s and I may never leave. I am your newest stalker, nice to meet you.
You have such an eloquent way of mentally preparing me to one day give birth to a small human. Thank you for that.
Been reading religiously, but haven’t commented in a while. You are hysterical!
Have fun tonight and remember two things – Inebriate and Lubricate – you’ll do just fine. =)
frickin’ hilarious once again.
this post could be a P.S.A. for abstinence .
I think you should at least use your hand on him.
Just sayin’
“aside from the occasional fist bump after another successful day of no one dying and/or setting something on fire…”
Fucking love that! Because it is SO true. Also true? You are a total riot!
You are being featured on Five Star Friday!
http://www.fivestarfriday.com/2009/06/five-star-fridays-edition-58.html
Cottage cheese?????? The flavored, or the plain?
ps- happy back to fucking day!!!
It’s been six weeks already?? Wow, that went fast for me! ; )
It tooks us ELEVEN weeks after my first was born. Effin’ episiotomy…
She’s a cutie!
As for your vag, you can do what y best friend does……..tell the man that your doc said another 2 weeks due to the extra TRAUMA of this birth. It buys her 2 + every time……she’s on kid 4!
I am almost up to week 9 after the birth of my first baby and the thought of sex has crossed my mind–but more in a “How’s this supposed to work? I feel like I am all Frankensteined-out down there” way not an “oh my God let’s do it NOW because we haven’t in months” kind of way.
That is one gorgeous baby! Glad you are adjusting well to the third.
I don’t remember when I gave in to my husband. It was well over six weeks. I think when one of my boobs accidentally squirted milk in his eye he gave up the conquest.
You can always tell your husband that the doctor ordered you to wait another 6 weeks. A little lie never hurt anyone, especially your vagina.
Interesting… But what sign on novelties of the news?
And this is why I was glad I had a c-section.
That’s so very graphically… accurate.
You rule beyond words.
Hope you have a great night gettin’ your freak on!!! And…I hope you remembered your contraceptives???
Have fun!
I laughed when my six weeks was up. Right in the hubby’s face. He waited alot longer than six weeks…
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