Summer time.
The season of self tanner and cellulite cream. Spanx and double chin distracting highlights. Cold beer and bonfires.
Everything I love and hate…all wrapped into one hot, sticky, pain in the ass season.
My biggest summer issues…besides being freakishly concerned that every picture taken of me in the summer is of me standing up, not sitting down, because even God knows you are way skinner standing up than you are sitting down…like a chubby, sweaty toad…with back fat…and smooshy thighs…
I could go on and on.
I digress.
Anyhuge.
Shorts. Shorts was, um, the point I was trying to get to up there.
I’m the girl you don’t want to see in shorts.
Unless you are comfortable watching me picking denim out of my vagina and ass crack every 30 seconds.
Plus, things get all chaffey up in there.
It’s unpleasant.
For everyone.
I’m a sweater.
So, it’s just jeans and dresses for me.
And the only way I can even do dresses is if I wear a pair of my husband’s boxer briefs underneath (summer survival tip #9485).
Keeps things dry and un-chaffey.
Plus, I kinda feel like a dude, which is ironically hot while wearing a dress. So, I just spend the day walking around, turning myself on in my man underwear.
But, I mostly opt for jeans and a tank top.
Except it is super annoying when skinny girls in shorts get all, aren’t you hot in jeans, it’s super hot, I love shorts, look how sexy my legs are in these shorts, I’m a giant whore bag, I blow homeless people, Jesus loves shorts, did I mention it’s hot, you could park a van in the gap between my thighs. And I am all, hot? No way, the breeze is totally great, I’m not hot at all, if anything, I am a touch chilly.
Whore.
I get it, you can wear shorts, with heels, and those cute little camis with the built in bras so your don’t need to have a bra strap showing, which, btw, can also kiss my ass. Shelf bras are a joke. All they do is give me one giant uni-boob that sags so low my uni-nipple touches my belly button.
Annnndddd……this is why I drink in the summer.
So I don’t attack skinny girls in shorts who don’t require under wires or baby powder between their legs.
Losers.
Christ, I’m chilly, do you think it’s chilly in here?
Thank God I’m wearing jeans.
Plus, I haven’t shaved above my knee caps in three weeks.
Happy summer.
Where’s the keg?
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Huh. I think I’m going to buy some boxers for my husband, just so I can steal them.
Popped over from Mouthy Housewives.
This made me laugh out loud. Thanks for that.
Have a great day!
OMG. You are HILARIOUS!!!!!!! So happy I found you thru BlogLuxe.
I feel the same way you do about shorts.
Give me jeans, give me capris, do not give me shorts. I dont like the cottage cheese dimples I have going on and I hate seeing it on other people…I won’t do that to the world. No thank you.
But as big as I am on bottom I’m small on top. Those shelf bras work perfectly for me! Ha ha!
Beyond the chaffing is the problematic bikini line. My husband is all, “let’s go to the beach today.” And I’m all, “I can’t. I’ll be in the shower forever because I have to shave my legs AND my pubes and then I won’t be able to go in the ocean because the salt water will give me razor burn. Give me advance notice next time. A-hole.”
New reader, but for this post right here, I am in blogger love. I haven’t worn shorts since I was a sophomore in college. My dad was convinced it was because I’d gone and gotten a tattoo. Others wondered if it was a “religious thing.” No tattoo, no vows of chastity; just legs I don’t really want to look at, or show off. And yeah, shorts are really uncomfortable. And it’s just so wonderful to see it written down. I have not lost my mind. I’m not the only woman who does this. Thank God!
Liz
I just wanted to tell you that I love you.
Go jeans! Goooo drinking in the summer!
My friend just told me that you should use spray deodorant on your inner thighs and it keeps the chafing/sweaty/rubbing together thing from happening.
i love you.
OMG Hilarious! and I never shave above the knee-cap
This is the funniest damn thing I have read in ages. I can totally relate to every word. Except the 3 week part. Only 3 weeks? I can’t tell you the last time I shaved above the knee. What’s the need? Only one person – ok 2 people – see that anyway and my husband doesn’t care (or says he doesn’t) and my doc, well, he doesn’t seem to care either.
Also, I live in a small rural town where it is not uncommon to see your neighbors driving down Main St on their tractor with a 6 pack. Or riding their bicycle, trying to balance the 12 pack on the handle bars. I have seen this and tried to take pictures, but those rednecks are fast! Even on a wobbly drunk bicycle…
Thanks for the yummy recipe.
I am so glad I have found you!!! OMG I feel like I am reading about myself, except I’m not married and don’t have any kids… You are freaking hilarious!
I haven’t worn shorts in 10 years. I was recently *2 years ago* a size 14 and wore cute shorts with miniskirts fitted over them that looked like miniskirts *and I cut the shorts out of some of them on a skinny tiny day (skinny tiny 14 bahhhaaaaahhhhaaa I am 5-3 **almost**)*
hi ( i feel like stewie on family guy which btw is one of the only episodes i have sat through)
All I have to say is……..ditto.
I just can’t stop laughing… or reading this for that matter.
I knew I drank in the summer for a reason.
I’m skinny and I hate shorts. I’m a 38 year old, flabby, unkept skinny, it isn’t pretty. I pretend I look good in shorts and tank tops, but I am typically cold, so it’s ok to wear pants regularly. I pretend I look good until I look into the mirror and cringe and change, while grumbling about how I don’t have any nice clothes and my life sucks. If I would pick up a weight and walk around the block once in a while, maybe I wouldn’t feel that way. So, I’ll be in jeans and teeshirts this summer, too.
1. Tank tops and jeans are pretty much my summer uniform. Something about the combo makes me feel awesome, actually.
2. Monistat Chafing Relief Powder Gel. It will CHANGE YOUR LIFE. Seriously.
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