Summer time.
The season of self tanner and cellulite cream. Spanx and double chin distracting highlights. Cold beer and bonfires.
Everything I love and hate…all wrapped into one hot, sticky, pain in the ass season.
My biggest summer issues…besides being freakishly concerned that every picture taken of me in the summer is of me standing up, not sitting down, because even God knows you are way skinner standing up than you are sitting down…like a chubby, sweaty toad…with back fat…and smooshy thighs…
I could go on and on.
I digress.
Anyhuge.
Shorts. Shorts was, um, the point I was trying to get to up there.
I’m the girl you don’t want to see in shorts.
Unless you are comfortable watching me picking denim out of my vagina and ass crack every 30 seconds.
Plus, things get all chaffey up in there.
It’s unpleasant.
For everyone.
I’m a sweater.
So, it’s just jeans and dresses for me.
And the only way I can even do dresses is if I wear a pair of my husband’s boxer briefs underneath (summer survival tip #9485).
Keeps things dry and un-chaffey.
Plus, I kinda feel like a dude, which is ironically hot while wearing a dress. So, I just spend the day walking around, turning myself on in my man underwear.
But, I mostly opt for jeans and a tank top.
Except it is super annoying when skinny girls in shorts get all, aren’t you hot in jeans, it’s super hot, I love shorts, look how sexy my legs are in these shorts, I’m a giant whore bag, I blow homeless people, Jesus loves shorts, did I mention it’s hot, you could park a van in the gap between my thighs. And I am all, hot? No way, the breeze is totally great, I’m not hot at all, if anything, I am a touch chilly.
Whore.
I get it, you can wear shorts, with heels, and those cute little camis with the built in bras so your don’t need to have a bra strap showing, which, btw, can also kiss my ass. Shelf bras are a joke. All they do is give me one giant uni-boob that sags so low my uni-nipple touches my belly button.
Annnndddd……this is why I drink in the summer.
So I don’t attack skinny girls in shorts who don’t require under wires or baby powder between their legs.
Losers.
Christ, I’m chilly, do you think it’s chilly in here?
Thank God I’m wearing jeans.
Plus, I haven’t shaved above my knee caps in three weeks.
Happy summer.
Where’s the keg?
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This whole post = LOL. You are awesome.
umm yeah between my thunder thighs and blaringly pasty white skin I DO NOT even own a pair of shorts. I never wear them, I refuse. Also I wasn’t aware that there are people who shave above the knee
A. Men.
best.post.EVER!
I never wear shorts for the very same reason. Capris? Sure. Dresses? Sure. Skirts, even? Sure. Shorts… hellz no. I’d be picking them out of my va-je-je too.
I HATE shorts. They are of the devil, and I’m with you on the jeans/dress thing, only mostly I roll in dresses because jeans still show my thighs,which you CANNOT park a van between.
As a chub rub girl myself, I have always found Bermuda shorts to be the best bet. They are long enough to stop the chub from rubbing and you can buy them baggy enough that they don’t bunch up in front or back.
OMFG that is the best post ever!!!! I am so with you.. I can’t wear shelf bras either cuz my boobs are so big, and heavy, not obnly is my uninipple touching my belly button butGod help me when I look down and my effing boobs are actually out, yes HANGING out over the top of the shirt. I got the tequila, bring on the snow!!!
I feel like I could have written that post. I have found some very long bermuda shorts from Gap that are my friend. Still hate the short- shorts girls!
I’m with ya sister! Jeans only since high school. Going to a BBQ on Wed – I intend on cooking my steak between my legs & corn on the cob between my boobs…keeps the hands free for beer.
Amen sister. Jeans only since high school. Going to a BBQ on Wed – I plan on cooking my steak between my legs & corn on the cob between my legs…keeps the hands free for beer!
Hahahahahahahahahah.
I’m totally going to wear man panties under my skirts now.
I once tripped one of those whore losers in the mall parking lot. Just for being the barbie doll inner thighed whore loser she was.
True story.
Not really.
Oh man. This is hilarious. You are ME.
Hallelujah, Sistah! It’s friggin freezing in this 103 degree weather down here. And btw, I hate it when I sweat there so much that I get little baby-powder balls on the seat when I use the bathroom… Which is why I drink in the summer… and remember, when it comes to beer, no head is good head… I’m just sayin’
I feel you. I don’t do the shorts either. Or the shelf bra. Those things just weren’t made for people with real boobs.
Love you and I promise to hold off on blowing any homeles people the entire time we’re in Chicago!
I just tell people I am wearing my floaties and ring around my middle under my clothes, just in case I accidentally fall overboard.
And how about those low waisted muffin-top inducing shorts and skirts? Not every body (over the age of 12 1/2) can wear those damned things!
I fucking hate shorts and the bitches who can pull them off. I wear only dresses in the summer, because even jeans show my tree-trunk legs. Dresses are forgiving. Except when there’s a breeze and they fly up Marilyn-style in front of all the teenagers you work with. Now that’s fun.
Word.
I hate shorts. I am 5’4″ and I always feel like shorts make me look shorter. I can never find shorts that aren’t long like old lady shorts and yet aren’t streetwalker short shorts.
And capri pants make me look shorter AND fatter somehow. Not to mention I just had a baby so I don’t need another thing making me feel fat.
I moved to FL 3 years ago because the Hubs got a job here. I still don’t wear shorts. Thank God for A/C.
The only place I wear shorts is in the comfort of my own home where I can freely pull them out of my asscrack and vag whenever I see fit. Love this post!
PREACH. I HATE the summer chub rub on my thighs. I’m so stealing the boxer brief tip for dresses, ’cause that has to be more comfortable than those spandex fat pants I wear now…
You know what else I hate about those whores in the summer? They wear bikinis EVERYWHERE. I’m sorry, but is it really necessary to flaunt your tiny boobs and little waist while shopping in Walmart, you dirty hooker? I’m over here contemplating the purchase of a swimsuit with a skirt…thanks for rubbing it it, bitch.
Shelf bras were invented by men.
That is why they are stupid.
My vagina eats shorts for breakfast.
Come on over, the keg is chilling and I have an extra pair of jeans and oversized t-shirt if you need it.
Are you telepathic??? You have read my mind!
great post!
Laughed so hard while reading this. You are so lucky not to live in FL. Shorts are a necessity here. Way to hot for jeans!!!
This post is freaking hilarious! I wear shorts on occassion.. now I am all self-conscious about wearing them because my thighs touch… and I probably look like a giant fat whorebag wearing it .. without knowing that I look likie a whore-bag
I think I just fell in love with you, a touch.
Darling…I think I just fell in love with you. Yup, big ol’ massive girl crush.
I read your blog all the time, and I think I’ve only left one comment before. But today, I am full on in love. This is my favorite post ever. And I will show all of my friends your wise-ness. And my mother. My mother will love you.
Is it too soon to introduce you to Mom? I think not.
XoXoXo
Dakota Rebel
Don’t hate! Right now my legs are the only thing looking good. The boobs get cancelled out by the belly, and I have another month or two before the cankle sets in, so I’ve just been rocking my huge prego belly with skirts and heels and showing as much cellulite- and varicose vein-free leg as possible while I still got it. Skinny legs are for the girls who lack awesome tits (which you have in spades, I hear).
You.Are.My.Hero!!
I hate, hate, hate shorts. And those skinny girls who can wear them. And don’t get me STARTED on those stupid shelf “bras”. Completely useless.
You are my hero!!!!!!!!!!!!
I’m with you on those stupid shelf bras. I become the big, blobby uniboob. But,I live in shorts…but, long ones since they are thankfully back in stores. Like Lori above, capris do nothing for me!!
Oh shelf bras. They fail me.
I found that Old Navy has cute longer shorts, the type that go to your knee or a bit above. Those save my life on hot Florida days.
The only thing I hate more than my arms? My legs. Oh, and summer. The bitch.
Love it!
Psh, Fuck Shelf Bras. I rock my bra straps proudly because guess what? My boobs are big and they’re effing HOT. Both literally and figuratively actually, boob sweat sucks. As for shorts, I haven’t owned a pair since elementary school. Shorts are for big dirty small chested whores.
HA!
I can’t remember the last time I wore shorts. Yes I can. About 30 pounds ago. And because it’s too frickin’ hot outside in jeans, I just plain don’t go outside.
Ever.
awesome! f* the little boobie chicks who can pull off shelf bra cami’s ( though am tooooootally envious).
LMAO!!!
I loved, loved, loved this post.
I wear those thin spanx dealies under dresses so I don’t chafe too…and thought I was the only one!!! I now feel liberated and like I have a sisterhood….God love ya’ for this post!!!
And piss on it. I will wear shorts if I want to. I don’t have to look at me!
ha
Oh my goodness, this is just another reason why I totally heart your blog. You freaking crack me up. I just laughed so loud while reading this that my dog woke up from his nap to look at me like I was crazy. Hahaha!
P.S. – Thanks for the tip about boxers under a dress to minimize the whole chafey-ness issue! I’ll have to try that some time…
I never thought to borrow the boxer briefs. You are genius.
holy mother of god that is about the funniest thing i’ve read in a long, long time.
and thank you, btw, for verbalizing my thoughts (though in a much more clever and witty way than i could ever dream of doing so myself).
This has to be the best blog post ever! I agreed with absolutely everything.
I actually DO wear dresses for this very reason. And I die a little inside every time someone is all “why do you dress up for everything” and “oh, you always want to be such a fashion plate”.
Yes, fuckers. That’s it. I dress up because my thighs are too fat for fucking shorts, thanks.
I f-ing HATE shorts. I live in SW FL. Um, yeah real f-ing hot all year. It’s awesome. I rock jeans like no other though and birkenstocks. ‘Cuz that’s how I roll.
Right on chica!!!! No shorts here. Hardly ever. Definitely in the privacy of my own home. Rarely in the presence of ppl. I LOOOOVE the long shorts. Not to be confused with capris. Capris make me look shorter. They look like I am wearing highwaters instead of something stylish. And EFF those stupid shelf bras. WTF were men thinking when they invented those? those are not sexy? you can’t even feel sexy or womanly or anything in those. Nothing but uni-booby for the world to see. BLAH!
Jesus christ this is my song of fucking solomon.
OMG this made me howl !!!
Thank you. I needed that this evening.
I am fretting this friggin’ weekend with company (neighbors)coming to our vacation lake house. (Skinny bitch and her husband. ) They are nice people but OMG they won’t even eat and that drives me crazy enough. Oh no, not calorie. Jeez. They asked what they could bring. I told them nothing. The only rule of the house is you can’t wear a thong. She asked if I was serious. YES! I told her that her husband could but not her. She laughed. I really think she thinks I am joking. I do not want to be on the same boat with this woman while she is in her bikini /thong- I plan to wear a burka. She is 6 ft tall, blonde and she actually can wear a thong and pull it off. Bitch.
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