Summer time.
The season of self tanner and cellulite cream. Spanx and double chin distracting highlights. Cold beer and bonfires.
Everything I love and hate…all wrapped into one hot, sticky, pain in the ass season.
My biggest summer issues…besides being freakishly concerned that every picture taken of me in the summer is of me standing up, not sitting down, because even God knows you are way skinner standing up than you are sitting down…like a chubby, sweaty toad…with back fat…and smooshy thighs…
I could go on and on.
I digress.
Anyhuge.
Shorts. Shorts was, um, the point I was trying to get to up there.
I’m the girl you don’t want to see in shorts.
Unless you are comfortable watching me picking denim out of my vagina and ass crack every 30 seconds.
Plus, things get all chaffey up in there.
It’s unpleasant.
For everyone.
I’m a sweater.
So, it’s just jeans and dresses for me.
And the only way I can even do dresses is if I wear a pair of my husband’s boxer briefs underneath (summer survival tip #9485).
Keeps things dry and un-chaffey.
Plus, I kinda feel like a dude, which is ironically hot while wearing a dress. So, I just spend the day walking around, turning myself on in my man underwear.
But, I mostly opt for jeans and a tank top.
Except it is super annoying when skinny girls in shorts get all, aren’t you hot in jeans, it’s super hot, I love shorts, look how sexy my legs are in these shorts, I’m a giant whore bag, I blow homeless people, Jesus loves shorts, did I mention it’s hot, you could park a van in the gap between my thighs. And I am all, hot? No way, the breeze is totally great, I’m not hot at all, if anything, I am a touch chilly.
Whore.
I get it, you can wear shorts, with heels, and those cute little camis with the built in bras so your don’t need to have a bra strap showing, which, btw, can also kiss my ass. Shelf bras are a joke. All they do is give me one giant uni-boob that sags so low my uni-nipple touches my belly button.
Annnndddd……this is why I drink in the summer.
So I don’t attack skinny girls in shorts who don’t require under wires or baby powder between their legs.
Losers.
Christ, I’m chilly, do you think it’s chilly in here?
Thank God I’m wearing jeans.
Plus, I haven’t shaved above my knee caps in three weeks.
Happy summer.
Where’s the keg?
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rock on!
Baby powder between the legs-I am laughing my ass off right now, not at you but with you, I just did this very procedure yesterday!
I don’t normally wear shorts but did find a $5 at Old Navy that actually fit which is VERY rare. I need something to wear at the beach.
Oh and screw those self bras
This is the first year that I’ve given up on not wearing shorts. It’s just way too damn hot here in eastern NC. Back in Illinois I could pull off wearing jeans all year round without passing out (dresses weren’t even an option, way too girly for me.. back then).
But now? Now that I live where all the sexy skinny girls are (at the college that hit Playboy’s top 100 list).. I said fuck it, and I wear my shorts proudly.
I also pick my shorts and panties out of my ass and vag proudly, too. It all comes with the territory, I suppose. lol.
But why be miserably hot just cause some little bitches look like they haven’t eaten in weeks?
And as for the uni-boob…. yeah. Those shirts are stupid… or maybe I’m just jealous that my boobs do exactly what your boobs do, so I’m stuck with an underwire push-up bra anyhow.
I think I’m in love with you. Is there an equally obnoxious word we can create like “bromance” to define the kind of non-sex love of another girl?? Anyhoo, I’ve got it bad for you!!
BOXERS WITH DRESSES?? YOU are a genius. I’ve alway eschewed dresses because of the nasty bread-baking/tiny pimple-making that goes on with the old thighs rubbing together.
Thank you.
I’m with Dakota. My blog has a big huge non-lesbian girl crush on your blog, and not just because you are kicking my ass in the Funniest Blog contest. I thought I was the only one who called the shelf bra experience ‘uni-boob.’
(would send hugs if i wasn’t so sweaty in these effing shorts)
You complete me.
Mosey over to Pajamas and Coffee and let me know if you would trade blog linky love with my lame ass.
Haven’t worn shorts since 2001. Come to think of it, that just happens to be the year I had my first child. Coincidence? I think not.
I feel like you wrote this post especially for me.
Seriously.
Thank you.
you are like my twin stolen at birth.. I really dislike the skinnies too. Seriously who ever invinted the shelf bra never had to lug around the 42 E’s I have to.. I too do the dresses with boxers..
You are fracking hilarious.
Those damn shelf bra tank tops are a joke. Only no boobs girls can wear them. But what do the rest of us do?!
Can you please do a tutorial on the double chin distracting highlights? Hair or makeup highlights? Some of us are not educated in that area but need to be…
Shelf bras should be banned except for the juniors section. Uniboobs? LMFAO!!!
I love your blog & your post! You are SO right about everything. I hate skinny girls, including many of my interns, who wear summer dresses so short you can see their thong – whores. haha. Cheers!
I so totally share your antipathy to small-breasted tarts.
Just sign me “36DD and Disgruntled”…
I found you through Bye Bye Pie. You made me snort cranberry tea out my nose, it hurt. You owe me.
I used to be one of those short short girls. My thighs never touched one another until I turned 45 then one morning I woke up and there they were THUNDER THIGHS. Along with backfat, stomach rolls and I was no longer the cute little thing in the short shorts flipping my hair and talking about how HOT it was. I instantly became the crazy neighbor woman who wore Mumu’s even though I had never been to Hawaii. I began shopping for Kaftans and Tents by Omar. Yes I was no longer that WHORE in the short shorts. I was a dignified woman. I was MATURE and not a sniffly skinny whinning BITCH in short shorts. Damn I miss those days. Now if you’ll excuse me I’m off to fix another glass of tea and powder my thighs.
You know that cartoon dog that laughs all wheezy and he’s creepy and small or whatever? I just did a REALLY GREAT impression of that dog, because laughing too hard right now gives me a cramp in my lower left stomach. Also, sometimes I pee.
Thanks, as yet unnamed baby I’m gestating. THANKS A LOT.
And I thought it was just me! Screw the keg – girls who wear jeans in the summer sip martinis, becuase we are superior!
Perfect. This is excactly what I WANT to be thinking every hot morning. Instead I ususally just grunt and dig another pair of jeans out that don’t smell like ass from sweating in them the day before.
I’m a BIG fan of skirts and sundresses in the summer. I can’t wear shorts because my thighs are too thick in comparison to my waist (thank you for that, kickboxing and running, both of which I thought would make all of my parts tiny, not big and beefy). So I’ll find a pair of shorts that fit, only to see that they mash my ass against my tailbone and push my legs down in a manner that makes the most of any underlying cellulite. Fuck shorts, is what I’m saying.
The built in bra tank top, though…I’m a big fan. Probably because I’m relatively broke in the tit department.
Um, I’m pretty sure *I* am the girl you don’t want to see in shorts. For all the aformentioned reasons.
So you know what? Screw the skinny girls, with their short and long legs with gaps between their thighs and their shelf bras. We’ll be looking hot at BlogHer in dresses. And jeans. ’cause you just know it will be a bit chilly in Chicago this summer.
Well I can wear the built-in shelf spaghetti strap top thing because I have no boobs. Um, not really better. And I find flowy skirts hide a multitude of sins.
three cheers for sweaty back fat. doesn’t matter how much weight i lose, it’s always there to keep me in moist company. Mmmm.
This post was amazing. I think I’m going to print it and put it on my fridge and read it while I caress my back fat.
Amen! This could be my post.
Except I don;t write as well.
And I’m not funny.
And I’ve given up blogging for twitter. sort of.
wait – i love summer. i’m getting the feeling you don’t?
I have to wear shorts, and I hate shorts! It is way too hot here for pants (no, seriously, it’s like the sixth layer of hell) and skirts get me a rash between the thighs. So shorts it is. Which is fine. Cause we almost never leave the house anyway.
Amen sista!
dude i have not wore shorts in like years, although the bermuda short is kinder than the normal short, they are almost like capri’s but not really, like a capri’s bastard sister or something. But yeah I spend the summer containing myself from you know cutting a bitch or something.
I heart this post. And summer survival tip $9485. Must try that out!
I would love this post even if I were under 120 pounds (which Gah knows I’m not!). You are so awesome! You are the kind of blogger that infuriates me if doesn’t post regularly, ’cause you’re that good
Oh, and what exactly are “shorts”? This is new for me…
I do love my shorts but I can’ t wear those shelf bra shirts. I need to wear a bra with some nice fake boob padding. Because I have the chest of a 12 year old boy.
This post was FREAKING AWESOME! YOU are awesome! I hate shorts! BLAH! I’m a jeans and tank top in the summer kind of girl, too. Shorts are stupid and shorts are for kids, so there! Also, who wears tanks with no bra? NOT I, I can assure you that!
Awwwwwesome! I’m laughing my guts out. I never would have thought of the boxers under a dress thing but that’s brilliant & it kinda turned me on reading about it! ahahahahaha! Was that too much?
Sooooo, anyway, funny stuff. The whole tirade on skinny chicks was hilarious. Thank you for helping me give my stomach a workout.
Ciao
My boyfriend dragged me kicking and screaming to the store to buy shorts because its hot and he got really sick of seeing me in my one black pair of track pants and jeans. I reminded him I am 2 months post baby and I didnt need one more reminder of how fat i look and i really dont wanna buy fat clothes I would much just rather fit into my old clothes. We all know thats not happening! Goodbye size 4…I remember when my thighs didnt touch. Sigh!
I’m anti-shorts too and hate all those women who can wear the cute short ones and have good legs. I’ve always waned good legs but alas, it’s not in the cards (I mean the DNA!)
But… I have to wear the bermuda ones sometimes, just to survive in this Southern heat. It’s murder.
God dam I hate when those girls wear high heels just to get a cup of coffee or babysit some kids (not mine, of course). I know they can’t be comfortable. They are just living a lie and when they get older they’ll have bad vericose veins and we’ll all be laughing then.
ROFLMFAO!
Just say capri pants.
OMG! I came here from TMH. I am so glad I did. You are hilarious and I am sure you are exaggerating. Even if you aren’t, you are beautiful just the way you are.
too funny! i am of the (old) lady variety that does not wear that stuff either. and those tops? until they come in a 42 long (and empty) i’m out…
smiles, bee
xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo
I can completely relate to everything!! I gotta say though that I wear the Bermuda shorts anyways and other people can just look away. But those shelf bras, uh yeah, not going there! Happy 4th.
Linked in from The Mouthy Housewives.
I share your pain, sister! This was beyond hilarious. I’m summer dress or jeans and a tank top as well! And people ask me that damn “aren’t you hot?” question over and freakin’ over. If I hear it one more time, someone’s getting shanked with a bbq rib bone this year.
You are being featured on Five Star Friday!
http://www.fivestarfriday.com/2009/07/five-star-fridays-edition-61.html
For once, I’m sorry but we have to agree to disagree. I love the skinny girls in short shorts. Just call it a personal weakness.
You know when you only read like half of a post on a new blog and love it so much that you stop reading right then and there to add it to your reader? Totally just did that with this one. Can’t wait to read more!
I totally feel ya……….
I think I could where shorts untill I moved in with my boyfriend about 2 years ago….it all went down hill from there?!
Shaving above the knees is for chumps.
At least you got to the knee….
Dear Barefoot Foodie,
You should totally be with me in the top five of this endless Funniest Blogger contest. Seriously. You are great. Everyone go vote and catch her up!
Love,
June
I just discovered your blog, June Gardensalad sent me here and I spent the last 2 days reading the entire thing ( my toddler has never been allowed to watch this much TV) You are too funny and I cannot wait to read new posts!
Oh My Gawd!! I just discovered your blog and I was howling so hard after this post, my kids came running in, thinking I’d been severely injured. I, too, deleted shorts from life when 3 pregnancies gave me the gift of thick, ropey varicose veins. My albino skin now looks like a road map with a lot of rivers running through it. Thanks kids! This weekend my German, Heidi Klum clone, sister-in-law who besides being a perfect specimen of the human race, also runs marathons, (I try to be nice to her face) said, “I don’t know how can you wear jeans in this awful Fla. heat).” She, of course, was wearing microscopic white shorts, white ones with a shelf bra camisole. I pretended that 90 degree heat was, in fact, chilly to me as the sweat poured down my denim-clad legs and pooled in a large puddle at my feet. I pretended too that I didn’t care that she also has 3 kids and can still wear a little red bikini. I pretended, by stuffing more guacamole and blue corn chips down my throat and washing it back with a big swallow of wine.
Your blog is fabulous. Nothing will get done in my house tomorrow because I will be absorbed in reading all your old posts. I’m glad I’ve found you!
Well, I’m with you on all points, except I do wear shorts, but not tight shorts. I admit I used to, when I was a young one. But never with high heels. And never with a sewn-in shelf bra, because like you said, those don’t work. For anyone, unless you are 12, or have had a lot of “work” done, if you know what I mean.
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