OMG, how excited are you to come here and read about how I totally made out with another girl at this all girls summer camp I worked at?
It was sooo hot.
But, this post isn’t about that.
It’s about Transformers 2. And why it can suck my dick.
Here’s the thing. I don’t like Megan Fox. I don’t think she is the hottest girl on the planet, and honestly, to me, she is still the bitch face who replaced the original Sydney on Hope & Faith. Like we wouldn’t notice, ABC?! Plus, she totally looks like the kind of girl I hate, the kind that only has guy friends because girls are just “too catty and jealous” for her.
Read: Huge bitch.
So, anyways, my husband, of course, adores her and all the ass crack revealing jeans she wears, and he all but had a hard on the entire movie.
After the tenth “she’s so hot” groan, I could have killed him, but I still had half a bag of popcorn left, and that shit is expensive. Not to mention, I am currently fist deep into my post partum shedding period, which basically means, forensically speaking, I can’t kill anyone without leaving gobs of hair behind implicating myself.
My hands were tied.
So, I focused on my popcorn…and my Sour Watermelons…and playing Block Buster on my new Blackberry, because that is the longest movie evah!
And, on the long and silent car ride home, I realized my husband and I have very different taste in women. I would never, in a million years, have lesbian sex with Megan Fox, Angelina Jolie, Lindsay Lohan or Jessica Biel…btw, is it just me, or does Jessica Biel look like somebody walked up to her and pinched her face too hard? She is what I would imagine a pug would look like with a face lift.
On the other hand, I would absolutely make out with…
Chloe Sevigny
OK, she is gorgeous, I mean, come on. Even when she is dressed up like super weird Nikki on Big Love, how could you not want to go all Mormon polygamist on her, french braid and all.
Mia Michaels from So You Think You Can Dance
Um yeah, so girl can rock a platinum faux hawk and off the shoulder shirt like no other. I mean, I am pretty sure she either has, in her possession, the best strapless bra ever invented, or she never wears one. Either way, totally hot.
Blair Waldorf
She is a giant bitch and she always crosses her legs, but she wears the hottest forties inspired girly underwear, and her hair is to die for. Plus, I could totally channel that whole locked away at an all girls boarding school thing. Love her.
Shane from The L Word
Oooooh Shane, you dirty dirty whore. Even though I know you will never change, there is just something about your coke head physique and helmet hair that draws me in every time. Plus, you are totally boyish, and I could be your lipstick!
Reese Witherspoon
Ok, this one was a toughy. I want to say I would make out with Reese, but truth is, I would totally be in a long term relationship with her. One where we would spend our days looking at our perfect teeth in the mirror and telling each other how pretty we were. Because she’s nice like that.
Honorable mention goes out to Salma Hayek and Daryl Hannah from Splash, not to be confused with Daryl Hannah from Grumpy Old Men. The difference? A crimping iron.
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Oh, and I forget Gwen Stefani – back when she had pink hair – and was with no doubt – now I have to hate her because she is married to one of my man crushes and they make beautiful babies.
And Jennifer Garner. *SIGH*
BTW – the angelina jolie i am in total lust with is the one from gone in 60 seconds with the blond dreads -
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Totally agree! Megan Fox seems like such a bitch with too much Botox and big ass tattoo on her arm. I am NOT a fan. Plus I’m totally jealous that Brian Austin Green was with her.
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transformers 2 totally blew, i mean how many obligatory let’s make out, we’re so in love camera shots were really needed? I saw it on the iMax and it was still so lame and way way too freakin long, it felt like 5 hours, not the 2.5 or whatever it clocked in.
In another note, the first two ladies you would make out with, no way. But the others, I would totally make out with the rest of them, just not the first two, there’s something about their faces that I do not enjoy.
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I’ve always had a thing for Jodi Foster that I can’t explain. Now I want to be married to Jennifer Garner. Everything about her is so cool except her husband.
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Boys are silly. I have never gotten what is so hot about Megan Fox or Angelina (Home Wrecker)… I love this post.
My favorite girls are Brody Dahl, Kate Walsh, Gabrielle Union, Emma Watson, and Super Nanny (You’ve been very naughty!)
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Megan Fox just looks kind of whorry to me. Like the real reason she doesn’t have any girl friends is because she sleeps with everyone else’s boyfriends. But I wouldn’t make out with any of your girls either. I would totally make out with Laura Linney, though, and Tina Fey and Amy Poehler (maybe even at the same time) and Janet Jackson and Portia DeRossi. Man, I never knew how whorry I was!
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If I swung that way, I’d do Uma Thurman in a fucking heartbeat.
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Bananas – I am totally with you on Chloe – only I prefer her with the braided hair from the show. And you already know my views on Blair Waldorf. Y.U.M.
Sushi soon??
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I don’t need the lesbian fantasies
My husband is a lesbian
He has every lesbian movie ever made to prove it
Wish you were me yet?
Didn’t think so
JT
x
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Nice. There is only one woman on this planet that I would totally turn lesbian for, and that is Charlize Theron. She’s gorgeous, but she was also super hilarious on Arrested Development when she played a retard, so you know she has the personality thing working for her too.
But I’d probably think long and hard (heh) about it with Reese.
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First, I have to say hi! I just found your super-duper-fantastic blog today. I have laughed entirely too loud at work today. Enough to make people look in my office and ask if I’m ok. Although, Shane Waldorf and Reese are mega hot…I find something strangely attractive about Shane from the L Word as well. Come to mama! I suppose I’m done stumbling all over myself in an attempt to make a coherent post. I just had to say I adore your blog and now I will stalk it daily. <3, Shanna
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Totally agree. Keep on rockin’ the house sista’ keep on rockin’
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You have to be one of the funniest women I have read in a long, long time. Having been brought up with the same type of guilt (French Canadian instead of Irish) I know that we would have been fast friends.
As I am already a Lesbian I do not think its the same if I have a list of possibles. Although if I must pick my top 5 would have to be: (in no particular order)
1. Amanda Tapping (perfering her blonde)
2. Charlize Theron (not in Monster)
3. Kate Winslet (as much as I hate to say it, the her in Titantic)
4. Rachel Maddow (at least I wouldn’t have to teach her how)
5. Piper Perabo (Coyote Ugly)
Don’t ever stop.
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Um, I think you’re just jealous of Megan the hottie.
Totally kidding.
And I can’t make out with any of your chicks because I’m saving my lesbian fantasy for Rachel McAdams.
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Love this & I get to room with you. Yea!! xoxo
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I think you took the words about Megan Fox out of my mouth. I’m not a fan. I didn’t see the movie, but I heard her speak during an interview.
All I have to say is….wow.
Did I ever tell you I took dance with Mia Michaels and her family a bajillion years ago?
She hasn’t changed a bit in all the years!
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Megan Fox has toe thumbs in case you didn’t know!
Leighton Meester (Blair Waldorf) is totally hot
And really good with her feet (if you’re into that sort of thing)!
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#1: Shane. Then i would totally cheat on her with Michelle Rodriguez from Lost. Who I would totally dump if I had a shot with Joan Jett. Who is the original Shane.
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Personally I am TOTES a Sonya Tayeh girl and not so much with the Mia Michaels UNLESS she’s got her amazing librarian glasses on and then. And then. Yes.
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I just found your blog via stumbleupon and I LOLed all over the place. In fact, I LOLed so much that I showed this post to my husband, who also LOLed. Then I bookmarked you. =]
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Sarah Chalke (from Scrubs) and Kari Byron (from Mythbusters). That’s all I have to say on the matter.
(Oh, and that my husband went to see Transformers 2 and he’s still pissed.)
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Yum, sour watermelons. Those, the reese’s pieces and the five-gallon bucket of Coke are the only reasons I sat through the 3-hour long cheesefest that was Transformers 2.
Oh, and yum to my lesbian 5: Scarlett Johansen, Rachel MacAdams, Natalie Portman, Kate Beckinsale, and Evangeline Lilly. I also wouldn’t turn down Britney Spears, even if she is a trainwreck.
My husband’s skantastic 5: J-Lo, Megan Fox, Jessica Alba, Rihanna, and Charlize Theron. Ewwww, to all.
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Couldn’t agree more about Megan Fox. Saw Transformers 2 with a guy friend who was totally stoked about seeing her in this movie, and even he groaned (not in pleasure, but in disgust) at the way she was basically in there acting like it was a soft core film. So obnoxious.
And definitely agreement about she shouldn’t talk. Ever.
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First, I would like to say that I am totally stealing this blog post idea and will credit you even though I may soon have to change the name of my blog to BlogThatHasaLesbianCrushonBarefootFoodie.com.
I will preview the future post (today already wrote about whoring for pedicures) by first listing here who my Number.One.Pick. would be (and I totally have my husband’s permission, with some clause about filming or something): DEBRA MESSING from Will and Grace.
Dude my nipples are hard just from typing her name.
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I just had to add that I am totally hot for Kate Winslet and Rachel McAdams as well. That is all.
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Saw an interview with Megan Fox on E!, I think it was, and she a total condescending bitch to the (woman) interviewer. And the interviewer was all laughing and trying to have a good time and I just felt bad for her.
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lol. I took a nap during Transformers 2. During the everlasting fight seen.
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I agree with Jay. You do know how torture a guy.
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I added you to my blogroll, because you make me giggle everytime I read your business. And I’m always down for a giggle. So today, stand exrta tall and order yourself a cherry slurpie, and because you, my friend, made it to my blogroll. You’re welcome.
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“btw, is it just me, or does Jessica Biel look like somebody walked up to her and pinched her face too hard?”
That’s what I always think about Renee Zellweger. I’ve never seen a picture of her where she didn’t look like she was .35 seconds away from spitting.
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I’m so out of it I didn’t even know who Megan Fox was until like 2 weeks ago. But, I have not heard one single nice thing said about her. I think that says something about her.
And, I would make out with Catherine Zeta Jones and Jennifer Aniston (team Aniston!). Funny story, once I got drunk and told my dad this and he got super pissed b/c he’s one of those people who think you can “become gay”, and he honestly thought I could be swayed if I met either of those ladies in real life.
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Shit. I think I am totally that girl you hate.
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I’m right with you on the Megan Fox thing..whore. However, I’d do Angelina.
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If your husband thinks M-F is so hot, he should check out her Toe Thumbs:
http://www.tmz.com/2009/06/11/megan-fox-thumb-photos/
Also, Shane = sex. I would go gay for her before she even said the word. I love her.
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Ok, so I am a lesbian and my list would look very similar to the other RL lesbian above.
Rachel Maddow
Piper Perabo
Charlize Theron
Tasha (from the L word)
All time Fave–Shane!!!
Oh and btw? You can’t actually have a lesbian list that includes Katie Holmes, it goes against the order of humanity, for crying out loud!
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Blair Waldorf… Aman. In.a.heartbeat.
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I’m gonna have to just call myself befuddled by the first half of your list, and in agreement on the second half, even though I’m not familiar with two of them. The pictures are good enough for me to go on.
Really? Chloe Sevigny?
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I would totally go gay for Winona Ryder. I just find something about her incredibly sexy.
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Megan Fox weirds me out. I mean, I get the dark haired/ light eyed thing bitch face thing, I possess it myself…but really “hottest girl ever”? Nuh uh!
I guess I’m lucky. The bf unit and I seem to have similar tastes…and Mia scares both of us (though she rocks her faux hawk hardcore!).
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Ever since I saw Chloe in “Kids”, which is about a bunch of drug addict kids giving each other AIDS, I think there has been an attraction to this girl for every man wanting to do a passed out girl on a couch.
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Let’s not forget the deliciousness of Kate Hudson….. MMM MMM MMM…. Could definitely sop her up with a biscuit.
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Hhmmm… Megan Fox is a lovely lady. But a lovely lady to guys, which is way different from the taste of women.
It’s just like how this one girl from some random E! show defined the hotness of Angelina Jolie and Jennifer Aniston. Jolie is a guy’s woman, object of their perverted fantasies. While Aniston, is a lady’s woman, like a best girlfriend you never had. There.
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Hi… I got here via Mary Mac’s blog….
I saw Transeformers II, and while M. Fox is nice to look at, she oesn’t really do much for me… I don’t really like it too trashy.
What I find surprising, and I am sure it is becasue I am a man that there aren’t more nods for Salma Hayek , who is about the hottest woman in Hollywood. Next would be the redhead from Mad Men (Christina somethingorother), and Rachel Maddow (do I care that she is gay? I dig the smart chicks).
This was a fun read…. I’m going to send Mrts Gunfighter over to read this.
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Oh, and Chloe Sevigny? Eeesh. Not in a million. So not attracted to stoner chicks.
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One of my favorite things to do with guys’ guys (the kind that drool over girls like Megan Fox), is to point out that Jessica Alba got a certain incurable STD from Derek Jeter and that Jeter dated Jessica Biel for a few months back in ‘06.
PS. When I saw Daryl Hannah in Splash was the first moment I remember as a child when I was like, “I love women and I want to marry that one when I get older.”
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I always thought I was straight until Angelina JOlie made me realize I am bisexual. I’ve never been with a girl, never really met someone who I feel strong enough to be with her. But for Angelina, with a heartbeat I’m willing to be with a girl forever. I have the biggest crush on Johnny Depp but I only have to choose one, I’d pick Angelina. I just love her so much.
My other girl crushes would be Rachel McAdams, Martina Hingis and Kristin Kreuk. I have a thing for brunettes
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1) Mia Michaels For the effing win!
and
2) Chloe Sevigny apparently gives a pretty mean BJ (ever see The Brown Bunny…just disturbing) so she might be up for anything.
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Forgive the late post, but I didn’t know about you until about 48 hours ago, and am catching up… I *just* saw Megan Fox on Conan tonight, and thought everything you said above, along with pretty much everything from your skinny girls writing… Yes, soul sister, yes.
Apparently if we need to find Ms. Fox, there’s a Red Lobster in effing Burbank where she gets her cheddar biscuit fix… Please.
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Oh, and Shane from L Word, Parker Posey, and Jennifer Aniston. God bless.
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I am so reading these newest to oldest. I saw you through your haircut. I feel you. And am using appropriate capitalization.
Will appropriate punctuation be far behind.?
That being said. Shane. She is my underage boyfriend.
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