Girl on girl.

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OMG, how excited are you to come here and read about how I totally made out with another girl at this all girls summer camp I worked at?

It was sooo hot.

But, this post isn’t about that.

It’s about Transformers 2.  And why it can suck my dick.

Here’s the thing.  I don’t like Megan Fox.  I don’t think she is the hottest girl on the planet, and honestly, to me, she is still the bitch face who replaced the original Sydney on Hope & Faith.  Like we wouldn’t notice, ABC?!  Plus, she totally looks like the kind of girl I hate, the kind that only has guy friends because girls are just “too catty and jealous” for her. 

Read: Huge bitch.

So, anyways, my husband, of course, adores her and all the ass crack revealing jeans she wears, and he all but had a hard on the entire movie.

After the tenth “she’s so hot” groan, I could have killed him, but I still had half a bag of popcorn left, and that shit is expensive.  Not to mention, I am currently fist deep into my post partum shedding period, which basically means, forensically speaking, I can’t kill anyone without leaving gobs of hair behind implicating myself. 

My hands were tied.

So, I focused on my popcorn…and my Sour Watermelons…and playing Block Buster on my new Blackberry, because that is the longest movie evah!

And, on the long and silent car ride home, I realized my husband and I have very different taste in women.  I would never, in a million years, have lesbian sex with Megan Fox, Angelina Jolie, Lindsay Lohan or Jessica Biel…btw, is it just me, or does Jessica Biel look like somebody walked up to her and pinched her face too hard?  She is what I would imagine a pug would look like with a face lift.

On the other hand, I would absolutely make out with…

Chloe Sevigny

OK, she is gorgeous, I mean, come on.  Even when she is dressed up like super weird Nikki on Big Love, how could you not want to go all Mormon polygamist on her, french braid and all.

Mia Michaels from So You Think You Can Dance

Um yeah, so girl can rock a platinum faux hawk and off the shoulder shirt like no other.  I mean, I am pretty sure she either has, in her possession, the best strapless bra ever invented, or she never wears one.  Either way, totally hot.  

Blair Waldorf

She is a giant bitch and she always crosses her legs, but she wears the hottest forties inspired girly underwear, and her hair is to die for.   Plus, I could totally channel that whole locked away at an all girls boarding school thing.  Love her.

Shane from The L Word

Oooooh Shane, you dirty dirty whore.  Even though I know you will never change, there is just something about your coke head physique and helmet hair that draws me in every time.   Plus, you are totally boyish, and I could be your lipstick! 

Reese Witherspoon

Ok, this one was a toughy.  I want to say I would make out with Reese, but truth is, I would totally be in a long term relationship with her.  One where we would spend our days looking at our perfect teeth in the mirror and telling each other how pretty we were.  Because she’s nice like that.

Honorable mention goes out to Salma Hayek and Daryl Hannah from Splash, not to be confused with Daryl Hannah from Grumpy Old Men.  The difference?  A crimping iron.