Oh hai, vasectomy check-in admissions lady.
It’s 7am.
I got dressed in the dark to be here today.
My hair is a rat’s nest and I am wearing a leopard print bra under my white wife beater and some juicy sweatpants.
Not that it’s your job or anything, but a little advance warning would have been nice. Like, you know, before I walk into a waiting room, full of Mennonites, and women in bonnets gasp and grab their crosses, and the men folk cover the eyes of their small Mennonite children, because I’m dressed like one of those rap guys’ girlfriends!?
But, it’s cool. I’ll just sit here, being an abomination, reading my Twilight (!) book and discreetly trying to smell under my arms to double check my deodorant situation while people in homemade jeans and aprons glare at me in disgust.
Not like I haven’t had that happen before.
Sidenote: These people make their own jeans?! That is like the hardest thing ever! I remember when I was little and my mom thought my jeans were too long, she would just cut them and hem them with whatever jacked up thread was in her sewing machine. I looked like a giant tool. If these Mennonites were smart, they would send a Mennonite jeans maker to be on Project Runway, ’cause you know those bitches always freak out when they have to do menswear, ’cause pants are hard as fuck, and these Mennonites would own that shit.
Where was I, oh yes, vasectomy. So, I was waiting on that…until I remembered I had his post surgery required jock strap in my bag. Which was super fun pulling out while I was looking for my lip gloss.
What’s up folks, it’s me, Hester Prynne, I am here to sleep with your bearded husbands, burn your villages and toss gigantic jock straps at your dead burning corpse.
But, at least it got me out of the waiting room long enough to jog my jiggly ass to the pre surgery prep area, where I found my husband, pale as a sheet, his first IV ever in his hand, with big navy hospital socks pulled up to his knees, kinda like the ones Holly wears on Girls Next Door. It seriously would have been super sad and scary, if it wasn’t absolutely hilarious, trumped only by the fact that his surgery nurse was, oh yes, one of his mom’s oldest friends. So, not only did I get to snicker 3949547593 times when the lady came in to double check he was going in for sterilization (how Minority Report does that sound!?), but I also got to chuckle, that this lady, the one who has known Andy his whole entire life, was going to have a front row seat to shaving his balls. I mean, he doesn’t even let me shave his balls!
It was bananas.
But, then they wheeled him back, and I got teary thinking about, in just a few short minutes, having babies would be done for me.
And I just, like, lost it.
No more peeing on sticks, or baby kicks, or picking out names.
I suddenly felt old and menopausal. That part of my life was, unquestionably, over.
I mean, assuming his two post surgery semen samples met the sterilization quota.
And, while the thought of my husband having to fill tiny cups with semen made me smile, I was still sad.
So, I wandered back to the waiting room to wait for them to call my name. The Mennonites were eating McDonalds. It smelled super good. I love McMuffins. And hasbrowns. And pancakes.
Mrs. Barefoot?
Oh my God, my mother in law showed up to his vasectomy, how creepy is that!?
No wait, she means me. Why is my mouth wet? Hold on, he’s already done? You wiped away our fertility faster than it takes for Henry the pug to get his anal glands expressed at the vet?
As I walked down the hallway to the recovery room, my ovaries played Taps.
It was weird seeing such a strong man lying all covered up in a hospital bed with his legs spread open. He looked so young and delicate. I teared up again, put my arm across him, and told him how amazing he was, and how much I loved him, and the kids loved him, and that I would wait on him hand and foot until he felt better.
Then he woke up, vomited on my arm, yelled that his balls hurt, and asked me if I had any deodorant on.
But, I know what he meant to say was…I love you, too.
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Dude, just found via motherbumper via aiming low, and so v. glad I did. There are not near enough hilarious dirty foodie moms on my blogroll.
I wrote about my huzzle’s vasectomy in October. Sounds like you handled it a tad more gracefully than I did.
I’ m sorry, I just can’t get over the part where his mom’s oldest friend is in charge of shaving his balls…I’d be dyin’ laughing over that for DAYZ!
I hope he heals quickly and isn’t one of those ‘hubbies’ who’ll whine and drag things out for what feels like FOREVER!
*ps. This reminds me that I need to go to the Mennonite market/store…I LOVE that place!
Dude. They have McMuffins? Where the hell have I been?
oh my- wondered where you’d been- now I know you’ve been mourning your husband’s nads and your fertility- welcome to world of old dried up bitches- it’s kind of lonely out here- that’s why I drink and curse.
Seriously, kuddos to your husband- mine is too big of a pussy to do it- so I actually have all the tools to give the Duggars a run for their money except for the ability to make my own jeans (you KNOW the Duggars do that, too!)
You are so on the mark with the Project Runway remark, because you know even super-bitch Nina Garcia wouldn’t be able to critique a Mennonites’ tailoring skills. I doubt Heidi would be able to pronounce Mennonite though, just sayin’.
I am SO with you on the Mennonite Project Runway. That would be pure genius!
Hope Andy’s balls are feeling better soon:)
That may be the oddest comment I’ve ever left!
LOL – great recap! You are WAY nicer than me – I sent my hubby on his own he drove himself to and from his V. Had it on a Fri. and was cutting the grass on Sun.
As far as being sad about no more pregnancy? You can do as we did – skip the follow ups – then you still get the fun part of the few days worrying/wondering/picking names/figuring God thinks you are such a kick ass Mom that the sperm are jumping the gap to connect.
\Hang in there!
(I wonder of there will be a rush on leopard print for Mennonite underpinnings now…)
Awww, so sad! Goodbye little spermies! Hello sex whenever and wherever!
I would so watch the Mennonite Project Runway…that would be fricken awesome!
And I am so glad that my husband isn’t the only one that asks if I have deodorant on. I swear, some days it doesn’t matter how much I put on even if I’ve showered twice, I stink to high heaven. Good to know I am not alone!
Two hilarious posts in one day. I have died and gone to heaven. So sad for your hubby, but so proud of him. And don’t worry about the Menonite women – they are worshiping your ability to expose your body like that. They have to be expressive with their eyes – we have our boobies to help us!!!
i think mennonite project runway would be a flyaway hit. can you do something about that so i can watch it? and i remember when sarge had that done, back in ’71, he stood in the front yard and yelled to his friend across the street that his balls were huge and black! he was very proud of them. for a few days that is. anyway thanks for the laugh…
smiles, bee
xxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo
Thanks for making me laugh on a Monday!
I’m curious, did he have to take that class before that tries to make sure this was HIS own idea and no one (coughcoughwifecoughcough) forced him into it?! I hear they do that even in non catholic hospitals!
Sometimes, I think I’m in love with you.
Then, I come read your blog and I realize…I AM. LOL!
I can not wait for Project Runway to be back on. I hope it is still good now that it won’t be on Bravo anymore. And I can not even imagine someone sewing jeans. I know they do it because I find them in the store, but I’m not sure exactly how it works.
i can’t even think about sterilization without turning into a salty sobbing mess of hormonal goo. uhg. have fun with recovery.
Oh this was funny. I just finished the book Plain Truth by Jodi Picoult. About the Amish and such. What were these Mennonite doing at the V-doctor?? You’d think that they wouldn’t believe in the big V. Someone I know just had it done and yeah well you described it very accurately. So funny.
“Then he woke up, vomited on my arm, yelled that his balls hurt, and asked me if I had any deodorant on.”
I am still in shock that you did not win the funniest blogger award with stuff like this!
Tonight I will toast to you and all the condomless, sloppy sex you’ll have once your hubby’s nads are healed.
Oh gah. Really? Oh wow. I don’t know if I can go through that….maybe I’ll just stay on the pill. Ugh I don’t know. Wow, that sounds much more….I don’t know….maybe it was the Taps playing. I swear, at this rate we’ll never have sex again. You know, me and my husband. Not me and you. Because “again” implies a first time and you know……
“Then he woke up, vomited on my arm, yelled that his balls hurt, and asked me if I had any deodorant on.”
How could you not have won the funniest blogger award with stuff like this? I was laughing so hard, I cried. Mind you, I am at work and our accounting lady that something was terribly wrong.
Heres to you and all the condomless sloppy sex you’ll have once your hubby’s nads are all better!
I wonder if the Mennonites do their own vasectomies… I mean, if they can make jeans I’m sure they can snip balls.
I just laughed until I cried. (Sorry, Andy.)
For serious, yours is the funniest blog I have ever read. I’m so glad I found you.
My 4-year-old just asked me “Mommy! Why are you crying?” and all I could gasp back was “Mennonites”. She thinks I’m crazy.
Do Mennonites wear deodorant?
Oh, Andy. Bless you for letting us all share in this
hystericalsad day. Here’s to hoping your balls feel better!Hey! Where’s my comment? I swear I just left one that was really funny. Seriously.
agree with Wannabe WAHM. Was proud to finish 8th to your 7th Funnniest Blogs- but dude you belonged at the top. Fucking cakes.
“because I’m dressed like one of those rap guys’ girlfriends!?”
Thanks for bringing me back with that great visual! That was AWESOME.
Your ovaries played Taps. Good god, I adore you.
#1- I think I love you a little.
#2- I bet those Mennonites could have made a dandy sling shot and seed purse out of the jock strap. You should have dared them. Not even a Mennonite can turn down a dare by someone in a leopard print bra. Seriously, it’s gods law.
Hilarious as always!
I had to make a purse out of denim in the 8th grade in home ec class. That shit was hard, yo. My purse came out looking like a football with a handle.
Congrats on the Big V…sex is about to get crazy stupid for you! Oh wait, you have three kids. Nevermind.
I think you should have a funeral for the little swimmers that will no long reach your lucky charms….
That is, when the icepacks are no longer his best friend…..
why are the hasbrown thingies at fast food places better than you can ever make at home or get anywhere else?
heart this post.
Dude, you got to sit in the waiting room? When hubster had his big V, it was done in the drs office.. I chose a bad seat to sit and chat w/dr (who always tells us jokes- normally dirty ones.. WHAT? I love my dr!) while waiting on DH to get to feeling loopey on valium – right at the end of the bed.. Needless to say, when the cutting started, I had a front row seat.. And uhmm, we had to show up – already shaved.
Really hoping I’m not the only one who could immediately visualize your husband wearing knee socks just like Holly in the Girls Next Door.
You had me cracking up as ususal!!
I had my tubes tied and every so often for about 2 seconds if the kids aren’t all with me I might maybe feel a little bit sad. No, not really.
My man was snipped in the dr’s office, with a shot of local anesthetic. I sat by his side, eight weeks pregnant with our fourth baby and making certain it would be the last pregnancy for me.
That made my night havent laughed that hard in awhile.. my husband was to chicken shit to do it..I to have the habit of wearing colored bras under white shirts..
I hope my husband isn’t too scared to get the big V when we’re all done having babies. I imagine I’ll be teary eyed as well.
least your hubs was not a total wuss about getting it done. my ex was going to get it done, but between his getting a little wimpy and the fact it takes about 3 mos to clear all that lovely sperm shit out, i ended up getting a tubal. i was never sad about it as i knew that after 3 kids i was done. the baby urge had gone….until my ex’s gf had a baby 2 yrs ago. i was slightly sad, mad, i don’t know what. maybe for the fact that i can never have anymore (not that i would want anymore!) i have one on his own and our two are almost out the door! woot! lol
Thankyou for the smile. Now I am off to google Mennonites…
You know what ELSE the Mennonites do very well? Bake bread. It’s the only reason I don’t mind going to Mississippi and staying at my mother in law’s house. She tricks me into coming by promises of caramel cake and yeast rolls. Cuz I’m a whore.
Oh, and my condolences to your husband’s shaved balls.
May the frozen peas be with you.
OK that was TOTALLY hysterical and I could comment on any number of LOL-able things in there (nothing like being the biggest tart in a waiting room full of Mennonites…) – BUT the one thing that stood out for me is… You’re reading Twilight?! And you like it enough to drag it along to your hub’s snip-snip procedure?!
Yaaaaaaaay!
I hope you are enjoying it… We’ll be waiting for you with open arms over at Twitarded… : )
This was hilarious. I loved the Hester Prynne reference.
Your ovaries played taps….LMFAO! And my husband had to have ball surgery for the opposite reason. So we COULD have kids. His balls swelled up to the size of grapefruits. Good times.
Mennonites also make a kick ass strawberry shake. At least they do in Miami at Knoss Berry Farm. And the vasectomy? Well, maybe (though I can’t speak from experience) shaved balls yield better bjs. You know. When he’s, uh, feeling up to it. You’ll have to report back to me on that…
I am so jealous that you could actually convince your hubs to do the deed, I am still working on mine.
I would promise lots of sex but he knows it still wouldn’t happen as much as he wanted.
I’m confused… why were there Mennonites there?
No clue who you are yet, but found your Blog on StumbleUpon. I’m hooked. Love your voice. Can’t wait to read everything you’ve written so far. Also sent to my wife so she can subscribe.
I had hubby all ready and in the office to do the pre op and all. I couldn’t sign the papers!!! Talk about a candy ass. Not that I wanted more kids or anything, I guess I just didn’t want the decision made for me!
Happy recovery!
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