I tried to think of, like, a super inspiring post to cover the details of my life over the course of the last week.
But I’m so tired.
When I open my mouth, nothing brilliant comes out. Just…bllleeerrrrrggggg.
And what the fuck does that even mean?
So, I’m gonna go out on a limb here, and be somewhat incoherent and rambling-ish. Things will be out of both context and chronological order. Some of the shit I type may not even be real words. I don’t know. It’s gonna get straight freaky up in here.
Ok, so first. I went to BlogHer in Chicago. I know some/most of my readers do not have blogs of there own, so in short, BlogHer is this magical place bloggers like me go to remind us what we do matters, and that it totally counts as a real life job, dad! There are oodles of panels and discussions and OHMYFUCKINGCHRIST parties and free booze and vibrators and giant unicorn cakes and Tim Gunn and sparkles and swag and, um, oh yeah…
This! I’m pretty sure we are best friends now. I think it took everything in her being not to adopt me on the spot, take me back to Savannah, and feed me fried chicken and sticks of butter before tucking me into bed each night.
Secondly, Chicago? A whole bunch of scary. Big, crowded, totally expensive. I went to an amazing breakfast with the extremely hot and large breasted ladies of Aiming Low, and the buffet was $21. Which 1. seems like a lot of money for breakfast foods, and 2. was totally a dare to see if I could consume $21 worth of bacon. Which, in case you were wondering, I can. And that worked out perfectly, because after breakfast, I had to run over to The GAP to buy a shirt to replace the one covered in breast milk after sitting to close to a woman and her nummy cooing baby during one of the panels, and as a general life rule, eating $21 worth of salted pork product? Surprisingly not conducive to trying to suck in enough to look cute in, um, anything…unless what I am trying to slip into is sausage casing, in which case, I would have bought ten.
Thirdly, swoon, the people. Everyone I met was amazing. A giant, pulsing group of brilliance, barely containable within the walls of the Grand Ballroom. Making the experience even more fucking awesome? My roommates, Anissa, Tena and Heather. You must have fabulous roommates, which I totally did. We lived in a pit of bras, tummy girdles, chocolate, wine bottles and overpriced hotel bottled water. Plus, they totally held conversations with me while I sat on the bed pumping breast milk, even though there is nothing in the world freakier than seeing my nipple rhythmically sucked through a plastic funnel when you are drunk. Nothing.
The hallways of the Chicago Sheraton oozed wonderfulness, and I met tons of people, and yet no where near enough*. Cocktails with my hair twin Jill, Loralee, Elisa, Karl (whose shirts were totally hilarious), Britt, Shash, Summer and her stunning blue eyes, Adam, Stephanie, Jennifer, Sue, Shawn, Mr. Lady (it took everything in my power NOT to make out with you on the spot!), Dan and his amazing wife, . I ate totally healthy burgers and bacon cheese fries with Tania, rubbed up on the delicious baby bellies of Elaine and Heather, drank with my long lost BFFs Sarah and Jen…I wish I knew how to quit you… I met the absolute hotness that is Room 704. And, of course, the collective genius of Aiming Low: Janet, Maria, Angie, Amy, Meghan, Rachel, Laurin (shopping soulmate, btw), Michelle, and the others I have already mentioned. The mind boggling hilarity that is Jenny. Amy and her completely edible baby, Ezra. Jessica, Kelcey, Marinka, Cynthia, could there be any more links in this post? Yes, but I’ll stop here, I mean, fuck, that’s a lot of people.
Fourth, the drama. None for me, thanks, just pass the wine. And the swag.
Fifth, the turnpike. Ok so, I carpooled to Chicago with Pauline. Who I adore, nay, love. There is absolutely no one** in the world who I would rather be stranded on the side of the Indiana Turnpike with, waiting for someone, anyone, who has any knowledge at all in the area of changing flat tires to stop and help us. It took a while. And it was loud, and scary, and I am pretty sure I saw dead deer parts. And, I had to walk along the super smelly/deadly Indiana Turnpike to find a mile marker so we could tell 911 where we even were! It was like, um…a mile(?) away. I don’t know, it was bananas, and people were totally honking at me, like I was some senseless asshole taking a joy walk along side trucks going 80mph. So then, I had to get off the paved area and walk inside this super creepy ditch thing, which was probably riddled with ticks and dumped dead bodies. Thank God Neil, the turnpike worker who is in charge of driving around scraping dead animals off the road, showed up to rescue us.
Deep breath, soooo, that happened.
The end.
*Please note, this is the point in the post where I attempt to name people I had the extreme pleasure of meeting, and yet, I will totally forget about a bajillion people because motherhood has stolen from me both my skin elasticity and my short term memory. Please feel free to mention that you met me in my comments section, and I will totally revise the aforementioned list to include you, because you are awesome.
**This is not entirely true, but if I mention anything Twilight related, my husband with punch me in the face and hide my wine opener***.
***Ok, he wouldn’t physically punch me in the face, but he would absolutely hide my wine opener, totally forgetting about the time he did that once before, and I just used a hammer to break the top of the wine bottle open, and I thought I was dying from glass shards stabbing my insides for about 4 days. It was totally annoying. For both of us.
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Man I love your writing! Great BlogHer re-cap! I’m seriously thinking I missed one hell of a good time. But I’m going next year, and I hope I meet you. We can drink together! Sorry, I had a wine cooler tonight and I’m all rambly… yes, a wine cooler. No, I’m not really that lame but it was at my friends house and we were swimming WITH the kids, so whatever. It still tasted good!
So glad you had a good time, and that this was a fun, happy, funny re-cap about BlogHer!
Sounds fantastic. Right up to the glass shards.
Amazing. Looks and sounds like a whole lot of fabulous shennanigans. Wish I was not a totally deadbeat blogger so I could attend such functions. I totally plan to quit my day job in time for BlogHer ’10.
As the one who also had to pay $21 AND who didn’t realize that the tip was included until it was too late, TOTALLY agrees with you. Although, Angie’s waffle alone would have made me fork over $25.
Wish I could have spent more time with you. Wish that when I did spend more time with you I wasn’t tongue-tied and secretly coveting your hair. Wish that I could have taken you home with me, but I’m guessing you’d be missed.
In short, I was glad to meet you. You rock.
xo
I haven’t mentioned in a while how awesome you are and how my life would be so much crappier without you making me laugh my ass off (I wish I meant that literally-can we work on that? Then again, still having a fat everything else with no ass would be awkward so nevermind.) I figured I needed to do that. SO, I just did
If I were truly your long lost BFF you’d have shared some fucking bacon with me, however, in the spirit of team vagina I’ll forgive you BECAUSE I can’t quit you either bitch. (Insert mush love here.)
Sniff sniff and I will never know if you are as hilarious IRL as you are in blog, because, yes I walked right by you and didn’t say hello. Excuse me while I go cry myself to sleep another night.
I was kinda regretting registering for NYC just because I keep hearing crap about drama. Although that’s the only word I hear…”drama”. No details. I’m not looking for details perse, but all I can imagine is drunken hair pulling and elbowing over martinis. In which case, I can get that shit at home – I call that “Thursdays” & I’ll save myself the $1500 airfare.
It’s nice to hear someone had a kick ass time without getting caught up in drama…what ever that means.
So, thanks for getting me excited (again) about attending next year – I was not looking forward to telling hubby that I may have made a mistake (’cause I so rarely do!) in buying my ticket so early.
Aw! Thanks lovey! It was so great to meet you too and thanks for the compliment on my eyes, there are definitely like a million worse things I could be known for.
PS – thanks for taking one for the team and allowing Ms. Sparkley McDrunkerson to lean all up in your business. By that point in the night, I didn’t have it in me to even fake a smile!
Wow, that’s alotta links girl! Thanks for including me and the belly! HA! It was SO great to meet you but I wished we coulda hung out some more so that maybe, just maybe, some of your brilliance coulda worn off on me. Oh and the fact that you are like, THE coolest. Smooches.
p.s. You and Paula are like two peas in a pod…
I think it was blogging suicide for me not to have made it… you carpooled with Classy Chaos and touched Paula Deen with your left boob?!….me at home….LOOOHOOZER!
You are a star my friend, I was totally nuzzling my speakers when I was listening to your Pepsico interview. Swoon.
I’ll live through you for another year next year. I don’t think my 10 comments warrants a trip to Blogher. Then again, Paula could do it for me. I loves her! Great recap!
Oh, you know, I only sorda gushed over you and then you went all, “ZOMG stalker!” and then I went all, “OH yea, baby! STALKER!” and then I forgot what happened next but I think you ran.
heh.
XOXOXO
My husband thinks I am crazy but your posts make me cry. I read them out loud to him so he is forced to understand my tears. You are hilarious and I can’t wait to meet you next year!
OK, the pics are awesome and I can’t wait to drink wine and eat chocolate with you. And, who knows, maybe I’ll be the one pumping.
Yeah, yeah, OK, so I’m a total blog-looser and even though I love you I have to say this in all
complete and utter jealousydue respect… You BlogHer attendees suckwhich I’m only saying cause I didn’t get to go and am now more green than Oregon pot.I still love you anywayeven though I’m totally sticking my tongue out at you over here! You and your Paula Deen experience
All the *singsong* best!I’m so jealous you got to meet Paula Deen. I’m convinced she is actually my real mother in law, and the one that is portraying my mother in law in real life is just an evil, very-poorly-chosen stunt double.
No kidding– I need a week just to recover! It was so fabulously wonderful to meet you- I would have been happy sitting in a corner with you the whole weekend!!
Love it! Favorite BlogHer post so far!
Awesome. Hilarious recap. You were hangin’ with some of my very favourite ladies. Hope to meet you next year in NYC.
I’m so glad you had a good time!! I can’t wait til next year, hopefully I can meet you, but I promise not to be stalkerish in a bad way
!
It is so funny how I read so many of the sites you linked to. It’s like all my favorite bloggers are friends even though I found you all in various ways. Thinking about going to NY next year and staying with the family to avoid the drama. I blog but most of my posts are locked due to crazy people who were looking at my kid. Freaked me out.
Some friends and I are starting an open site in the next year so maybe I won’t seem like a wanna be in NY!
I had a feeling that you would end up writing a BlogHer re-cap post. LOL. It was a special weekend and so awesome to meet everyone. I couldn’t have imagined a better way to start it all then with a ride into Chicago with you.
Next year we are flying, yo!
Ive loved seeing your fantastic smile!! Sure hope to finally meet you next year, champ!
Love what you do!!
Jay
I loved meeting you! Thank you to my fabulous roommats, Loralee, Sarah and Summer who all love you, for introducing me to you. You are an amazing writer and I am proud to confess I have been stalking you for quite sometime.
*roommates* sorry about that. It’s only 7am
Awesome recap. I wanted to meet you but did not. Sad for me.
Really, really love your blog.
Where the hell did you find cheese fries with bacon? I called room service and tried to get them to make them for me and they were all like, you want fries with cheese sauce and bacon? We can put strips of bacon on top? No no no no. You crumble the bacon. Needless to say, I had fries with cheese sauce sans bacon. It was great to meet you – I have a hot picture of us together I must share!
Okay, here’s what i got from this post–that you are as big a Twilight loser as i am. That you too will have dreams (like I did last night) that you’re leaving your husband (who is wonderfully amiable about the whole thing) to marry a certain dirty-looking faux vampire.
You met Paula Dean???!! I’m officially jealous because I missed her and that was one of my great regrets from this weekend.
It was great hanging out with you at lunch. It was one of the highlights of my weekend. Seriously.
(Oh, but it’s Tania, not Taina. But that’s okay, I said you had a food blog.
)
One of my favourite moments this weekend was nearly punching the asshole who asked you twelve different ways how to get the flower from your hair band into his goatee. BEAT IT, DUDE!
Loved hanging out with you, hope we can do it again sometime soon!
Loved having breakfast with you and the Aiming Low crew (which I am now a part of!!)
I loved meeting you in person!
“Fourth, the drama. None for me, thanks, just pass the wine. And the swag.” Brilliant.
Hello,
I just found your blog and I am in love!
Hi – I’m new to your blog and I’m so sorry I decided not to go and now I’ve missed meeting you! (I adore Pauline.)
The last two bullets points are hilarious!
I recently found your blog and oh mah holy hell, you are one funny woman. And this was a great recap. I had a blast at BlogHer and can’t wait for next year.
You have huge boobs! OMG and a gummy smile like me, I love it!
It was SO great to meet you!
And, um, I broke my camera at BlogHer. So yeah. I feel ya.
Paula Dean? Paula Fucking Dean???
Never mind the rest of it. I would so be all jealous and hateful if I didn’t love you so damn much. Bitch.
You were cool as shit, even though the one time I actually got to talk to you I was so fracking tired I thought my eyelids were going to fall to my knees. I swear normally I much more alive.
Ha! I loved the Twilight reference and thanks for all the links to more blogs to check out!
Well, now I look pathetic mentioning that it was awesome to meet you. It was one of a handful of highlights for my wife, as well, who as you know is a big fan.
It sucks about your flat tire– Indiana is always pulling shit like that, you know?
Loved rooming with you. It was a blast and I only wish I could have stayed the whole weekend.
Self-restraint is for pussies. Just saying. Also, http://www.flickr.com/photos/heymrlady/3763067576/in/photostream/. Also also, next year. Brace thyself. You got a new momma pass, that’s all. Next year, I may scar you slightly.
Holy crap, I’m just now getting here because I was the oldest person at BlogHer and I am STILL recovering. I so regret being too hungover to eat the $21 bacon buffet, but my sad little bowl of oatmeal did the trick.
I think you are awesome, hysterically funny and just plain nice. I’m thrilled to be at Aiming Low with you and I’m sure we’ll be eating much pork products together in the future. Sooner, rather than later, I hope!
Can I just tell you how much I fucking love you? Your blog is a little bitter ray of sunshine in my most shittastic day! Thank you Thank you Thank you. Oh and I want to be Paula’s daughter, if only for a day. She would feed me butter and give me giant spoons to taste stuff with. I share your love of her!
I can not friggin’ believe you met Paula Deen! I think I might of licked her if I was you. Wish I had been there.
OK, I think I see you holding a finger on her hand. Looks forced, but I’m sure that you did it so that people wouldn’t think that you just Photoshoped her in.
All kidding aside– there is a lot to the city that is outside the Loop where they make a killing on unsuspecting tourists like yourself. Next time you will have to talk to a native ahead of time to find where to get some cheep eats. (Hint-hint)
So cool to meet you!
One thing “Chicago? A whole bunch of scary.” are you trash talking my town? I love me some Chicago…we aren’t scary…I promise;)
I am not sure why I have not been here before…you are hysterical-I can relate to the flat tire though and HAD I been invited I would have so called AAA and walked to the mile marker…cuz ima pro at things like that LOL…
LOVED reading about your expierences loved the pic of you and paula dean…awesome….next year i MUST attend BlogHer in NYC
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