As a general rule that probably doesn’t exist anywhere outside my own head, I like to assume that I am smarter than people who are skinnier or prettier than I am.
If your pants size is one number and you are so skinny I can read the serial number on your breast implants? I fucking own you, intellectually speaking.
It’s nothing personal. I just hate you by default.
Giada De Laurentis or Victoria Beckham? Skinny fake eating bitches. Paula Deen and Wendy the Snapple Lady? Patron Saints of all things good and magical.
See how that works?
When it comes to my OBGYN, who is both gorgeous, and ridiculously thin, it’s a toss up.
I want to believe her when she tells me that not everyone loses all their baby weight instantly when they breastfeed (then why the fuck am I doing this?!) or that it’s normal to pee during sex after three kids, but, ya know…it’s hard. She’s soooo pretty. Does she really know what it’s like to feel like to have what used to be three, super cute holes, now feels like it’s just one gigantic, scary hole that everything falls out of, all the time?!
Probably not.
I bet she doesn’t even ever fart.
So, I am left with the internets to figure all this shit out on my own.
I’m pretty sure I’ve earned my google medical degree by now.
Which has to be why my husband approached me yesterday to show me the big, gaping, bloody open wound on his, um…testicular-ball-sacky skin, um, area.
This is all medical jargon, I don’t expect you to follow.
So yes, it was, all….openy. And scary. And, did I mention I pass out at the site of blood?
*thud*
It’s just that’s it oozing, um, puss like red…
*thud*
Medically speaking, I diagnose it as, um…sick as hell.
So, I, like, bactine’d the fuck out of it from a safe distance and let him use one of the Twilight bandaids someone threw in my cart at Target the other day.
But, he tells me it hurts so totally bad.
Poor guy.
I mean, could I ever possibly imagine how incredibly painful it is to be cut open, and then have to, like, function like a normal human being despite the fact that it feels like your private parts are dying?
Nope. Probably not.
*snort*
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I resent the implication at the end of your post. Maybe if you had balls, you’d understand that everything is way, way different.
And you are totally pushing me the other way on the vasectomy question.
Maybe I’ll just strap a couple of cell phones to my nuts and let them bake away the fertility.
were you the one that put the twilight band aides in your cart? just curious, love the blog
oh and I totally don’t feel sorry for guys getting their tubes tied, that’s just a tiny taste of what us girls experience!
Well he has to show you his war wound doesn’t he? Because he can’t exactly invite his friends over to boast about that one, now could he? So now, his dearly beloved gets to examine and diagnose his genital area and . You are awesome woman, I always laugh so hard at your posts and you never cease to turn even the most omg situations into something I can laugh about.
Twilight bandaids kick ass. Almost as much as the Magical Unicorn Bandaids I bought my man on his birthday last year. Nothing heals like real unicorn tears…..fecking awesome. But Twilight bandaids are such a close second. x
Men.
If only everything could be cured by a Twilight bandaid.
is your husband still talking to you at this moment?
hope he’s feeling better.
Maybe his privates are having sympathy oozing.
In slight defense of men…
If there were some third sex, another gender, and this gender felt twice the pain of childbirth, and every single day… If ‘that time of the month’ was ‘that time of the day’ instead, and the pain was almost unbearable each time it came…
That wouldn’t suddenly make childbirth something like a breeze, now would it?
All this so I can say that yes. Women endure quite a lot of regular pain. And sometimes, because we don’t feel that pain, we might not give you gals the proper respect you deserve, in the Dealing-with-horrible-shit category.
But no amount of pain for one gender will ever make an oozing testicle hole any more enjoyable for the other. Or easy to endure. Twilight bandaid aside.
Oh, to write, and to comment blogs. Look where you have taken me today.
I like to assume that I’m smarter than people prettier than me, and that I’m prettier than people that are smarter than me. You know, as a general rule.
I prefer all people to be uglier and fatter than me, all the time. But, especially doctors. I also enjoy those with horrible fashion sense and butch haircuts.
Less time worrying about how you look, Doctor, more time focused on fixing me.
You, young lady, are funny as fuck
And I think I love you!
JT
x
I take comfort in the fact that I know I could easily toss those skinny bee-aches across a room. Well, when not waddling pregnant anyway. Bring ‘em on.
Sorry about your hubby’s uh… “ball issues.”
on the three hole business = one! Been there. NOT happy about it. So launched a website about 3 holes becoming 1 (thank you childbirth!!!). check out http://www.afterbabybody.com – when 3 become 1.
my college roommate actually lost weight when she was skinny, because she was so sick she couldn’t keep anything down. That’s my new diet plan.
sorry, she lost weight when she was pregnant, not skinny… der, that’s why I don’t blog after midnight.
I feel it’s my right to look down on skinny bitches and if ever I were one of those skinny bitches then the girls fatter than me would have my permission to look down on me.
you’re fun.
So, I just spent the last two days ignoring my life, pawning my son off on my husband to read your blog start to finish (thus far). I just wanted to say thank you, I needed those laughs, and tears and cringes.
you rock my face off.
Man,
I didn’t have anything like that. A snip-snip here, a snip-snip there, some Tylenol III and then a trip tp Target.
I took the day of the surgery off, and the following as well. Then it was back to work.
No big deal.
Maybe I should Blog about this.
Person- “Breastfeeding makes you lose weight”
Me- “Actually, for some people it forces the body to hold onto any excess fat to ensure milk production.I am one of those people.”
Your posts always make me happy, er, the fact that I read blogs after kids are in bed & I have a drink or 3 down. Kidding, I really do love reading your thoughts & blatherings!
Does she really know what it’s like to feel like to have what used to be three, super cute holes, now feels like it’s just one gigantic, scary hole that everything falls out of, all the time?!
I hear you! I was in denial for a long time despite my husband assuring me EVER so kindly that things were “looser” down there until one day when wiping after using the loo (numer 1 thankyou) I accidently “slipped in”. That was traumatic.
Love it… and totally know how you feel. Somehow my having a baby 2 months ago has made my man a total sex-fiend… At this point I really don’t feel like getting it on, much less dressing up in slutty underwear. I have a baby to take care of, I weigh 15 lbs more than I did before baby, and I just shot a 6.5lb baby outta my… well yeah. How sexy can I really feel? LoL
My fiance came home from the Dr. today with painkillers for a hemmroid. A hemmroid! Women have been pushing human beings out of their genitals for 1000′s of years without drugs, and he gets opiates for a hemmroid.
He probably did it to himself just to garner more of your obvious sympathy.
And the OBGYN probably does fart, but not through her pooper.
Dear blog owner,
Please accept this as my request to copy/paste all my comments (edited, probably, for content) to my own blog. I will not copy any of your material.
Thank you,,
His
Girl
ps Love your blog. Think your book would be GREAT. I read like a MF and today your blog is my book! Called in sick to work to read Kathy Griffin’s book (after a 6 day vacation) and read it in one day.
pss anyway, i saw your copyright (sp?) and I really only want my own silliness.
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