As a general rule that probably doesn’t exist anywhere outside my own head, I like to assume that I am smarter than people who are skinnier or prettier than I am.
If your pants size is one number and you are so skinny I can read the serial number on your breast implants? I fucking own you, intellectually speaking.
It’s nothing personal. I just hate you by default.
Giada De Laurentis or Victoria Beckham? Skinny fake eating bitches. Paula Deen and Wendy the Snapple Lady? Patron Saints of all things good and magical.
See how that works?
When it comes to my OBGYN, who is both gorgeous, and ridiculously thin, it’s a toss up.
I want to believe her when she tells me that not everyone loses all their baby weight instantly when they breastfeed (then why the fuck am I doing this?!) or that it’s normal to pee during sex after three kids, but, ya know…it’s hard. She’s soooo pretty. Does she really know what it’s like to feel like to have what used to be three, super cute holes, now feels like it’s just one gigantic, scary hole that everything falls out of, all the time?!
Probably not.
I bet she doesn’t even ever fart.
So, I am left with the internets to figure all this shit out on my own.
I’m pretty sure I’ve earned my google medical degree by now.
Which has to be why my husband approached me yesterday to show me the big, gaping, bloody open wound on his, um…testicular-ball-sacky skin, um, area.
This is all medical jargon, I don’t expect you to follow.
So yes, it was, all….openy. And scary. And, did I mention I pass out at the site of blood?
*thud*
It’s just that’s it oozing, um, puss like red…
*thud*
Medically speaking, I diagnose it as, um…sick as hell.
So, I, like, bactine’d the fuck out of it from a safe distance and let him use one of the Twilight bandaids someone threw in my cart at Target the other day.
But, he tells me it hurts so totally bad.
Poor guy.
I mean, could I ever possibly imagine how incredibly painful it is to be cut open, and then have to, like, function like a normal human being despite the fact that it feels like your private parts are dying?
Nope. Probably not.
*snort*
{ 74 comments… read them below or add one }
HOLY SHIT! Well, it’s just a big ball of sexy right up in your house, isn’t it?
As for the uni-hole? I did mention my pelvic wall ELECTRIC SHOCKER doohicky, didn’t I?? It was supposed to help. All it did was make my vagina less schizophrenic.
Um, on that single number rule you have, do I get a pass? Until recently I was in the double digits, and my son will be 8 in Feb. Please?
You have a PhD in medicine according to Dr. Google. Also, with that Twilight band-aid you gave him, you have a superior bedside manner.
You can be my doctor any day!
Why are men such babies? It’s just a small gaping wound. Tell him to buck up and do the damn laundry.
I assume since you have to bare his 3 children..and bleed at lest once a month for your 20 some years..he can handle a little surgery in his manly area.
As far as the one big gaping hole which everything just flows out…I had c-sections..but I believe you. I am sure it is all temporary like sore nipples.
I’m going to start emailing you the random sac injuries my husband shows me for diagnosis. Expect several .jpgs coming your way.
Men are such babies. Augh what ‘s a little oozing and bleeding on a ball sac? Sheesh. Does the twilight bandaid on his nuts take away his man card tho?
I am still trying to figure out what is the 3rd hole (counting on my fingers) I count two, but I have not had a baby, EVER, not gonna either. I havent seen my husbands ball sac since he got fixed, let alone got to touch it, LOL
Does he know your blogging about his private area issues? If he makes a big deal out of it remind him he’s losing cool points for being a baby!
Yeah, breastfeeding made me retain weight. I wasn’t one of those lucky bitches. But the week I stopped, I lost like 5-7 pounds without doing anything (and it wasn’t all boob weight either)…..but it still didn’t bring me down to my pre-preggo weight…figures.
As for the uni-hole: I am warning you. Do not stick a makeup mirror down there to investigate for yourself. You will not like what you see!
As for the bleeding sack: I feel bad for him, but then again, it’s not like a 9 lb bowling ball just came speeding out and destroyed everything in it’s path, so I don’t feel *that* bad!
Have I mentioned how much I love you? I stopped breastfeeding TWENTY ONE years ago and I’m still retaining my pregnancy weight. Skinny bitches suck. The ball sacky thingy, um I dunno, you might want to Google some more
Ok, That was seriously one of the funniest posts I’ve ever read – twilight bandaides haaha. I also have my doctorate in google illnesses.. Love you blog!
twilight band-aids?
everyone knows the hello kitty bandaids work better to heal your boo-boos!
give your husband a cup of hot tea, some midol and tell him to do some light exercises. that’s the advice i have been given once a month for 33 years. might as well pass it on, it never did a thing for me!
There has been quite a rash of forced Twilight bandaid purchases lately I have noticed. There was one of these instances last weekend at my local Target, in my cart…its getting scary out there…
Skinny people suck and men are pussies. The end.
What the hell was he doing to get that “injury” anyway? Grroooossss!
PS, Scary Mommy is right.
In almost three years of marriage and 7 years of “togetherness” I have learned that men are freakin pansies!
–>I don’t think you should ever trust a skinny chef either. I’m talk about you Giada on The Food Network!
http://www.WebSavyMom.com
I have to agree that men are wimps and they can’t stand any pain or suffering but your hubby may have an issue. Sorry if you knew this or figured it out already but those balls of his are infected. Go see a doctor!
Just a friendly, real life RN tell you her opinion.
I love that you put a bandaid on it and declared it all better. Like he’s a 3 year old and the booboo will magically disappear once there’s a Twilight bandaid on it. See, booboo all gone! Now go play!
I needed this so bad. I laughed so hard I cried, and I really needed a laugh. I can totally picture him trying to show you while you try not to pass out because I would have been the same way. This is the one time you send them home to momma because I’m not babying his ass.
They have Twilight Bandaids?? How did I not know about this? So I could like….put Edward on my….well nevermind.
I totally agree with you on Paula Deen. She is all things magical. My kids are 16 and 17 and I still haven’t lost the baby weight.
No sympathy for the man. Tell him to cowboy up.
I agree with Jen, and not because I’m an RN. Well, maybe because I’m an RN. It sounds like that incision got infected and he needs to see his doctor. But make sure you tell him to keep the Twilight bandaids on until he goes to the appointment, because the nurses totally need that fucking laugh.
And oh my god, I think I’m going to write a stupid novel because I can soooo write better than that Meyer bitch, and then someday there will be stupid bandaids and all that merchandising shit with my book’s name on it. And then I can finally afford to feed my children.
Just kidding.
Some of it.
Oh geez. Your poor husband. Not only does he have to deal with the pain and shock of it all, he has to accept the fact that you won’t stop writing about it!!
(Hang in there Barefoot Hubby. She’ll move onto another topic eventually! In the meantime, I heard they’ve started a support group for husband’s of bloggers. Just google “poor pathetic mess of a man” and it should pop up!)
um, ew.
and tell him to get over himself. my c-section incision from my first kid didn’t close for THREE FUCKING MONTHS. talk about major oozing and grossness. and then my badass got knocked up again 4 months later. woot!
You’re in my head, I swear – LOVE the snapple lady!! But I’d let him Bactine his own ball sacky thing. Also, I am not fat!!!
Just tell your husband that he can now store all kinds of nik-naks in his sac since he’s got a gaping hole there anyway.
It will be sort of like a mini (or “massive” if he needs an ego stroke) kangaroo pouch.
How can you NOT be turned on by that? I say use rubbing alcohol and watch him squirm- but I’m slightly cruel.
HAHAHAHA
Too funny! You so crack me up with every post!
My Ex had The Big V about 6 years ago. One of his swelled up to the size of a nice grapefruit while the other stayed the same…as of 3 years ago they were still like that!!!
As much as I love the whole Twilight bandaid icing on the cake (which reminds me I need to go to Target to see if someone will throw some in MY cart), won’t that um, like, I dunno HURT when he pulls it off?
Sigh, my first post didn’t take…so I am going to try to remember all the cleverness of it…basically it went like this:
You are great!
Ex had a nut the size of a grapefruit that stayed like that after his V day…
Need to go to Target…
Ouch when the bandaid comes off…
Something like that
Um, totally not normal for post-vasectomy! Get him checked out!
I knew you hated me. I could tell the second I met you. But, I am getting my implants changed and I will ask them, when they put the new ones in, if they will make damn sure the serial numbers are on the inside this time. SHEESH!
OK I really don’t know who is funnier – you or your commenters… well, except for me, obviously.
OK, so on the kind wifey side, I’m all; get your man some antibiotics or he may be more damaged than when McSteamy broke his penis…
On the bitch wifey side, I’m all; What a fucking puss. At least he doesn’t have to be all pus-infested while carrying around two brand new 15 lb bowling balls in a casing built for softballs and an extra *harumph* pounds that never seems to go away and die like you wish they would.
…what’s totally scary, is those two sides tend to shout over each other inside my head… makes my seeming quasi-normal a friggin’ miracle, doesn’t it?
And somehow I forgot to mention… skinny people need to be recycled as those tools one uses to unlock their car doors without keys… well, that and Halloween decorations… OK, I may actually be done now.
That’s so funny! I’m totally smarter than people who are skinnier and prettier than me! What a small world…
I so wanted to just say “Twilight bandaids?” but several someones already beat me to it.
Would you believe my husband did the same thing to me not that long ago? I’m like, I had fourth fucking degree tears with our daughter and I’m supposed to be sympathetic because you nicked yourself whilst trimming the vegetation?
HAHAHA, I feel you on the breastfeeding. I was LIED too!!!! It is NOT melting my fatty fat fat fat
I’m hoping I’m one of those women who have to wait until they’re done bf-ing (then it will melt right?!?!?!?!?) to have their hormones level out.
HA! This is too funny. My OBGYN had twins and was all size 4 about it like 6 weeks later. So you’d LOVE her.
I think your husband should get the Flaming Balls of Gory Award for his trial by fire. It’s not every surgery that goes wrong and oozy like that. Of course, I think all women who give birth should also permanently lose ten pounds with each child pushed out into this world. That would be fair.
Um yea the uncontrollable loss of fluid aint cool. My favorite was the spontaneous breast leakage or should I say squirting during sex oh yea that is a great turn on for the hubs, I think better than your peeing.
Make sure to tell him to just yank that bandaid fast it won’t hurt as bad:)!
and tell him to suck it up you squeezed his 3 beautiful children out of your hooha and still let him have sex with you, even with the risk that he might knock you up again.
I am gonna also be sure to block my hubs from reading this one as I am in serious talks with him to go get the big V and the hole talk of oozing balls may just turn him off of the idea.
I am gonna freak out I think your commenter just ate my comment again please tell me you can find it!
At least your OBGYN isn’t a totally gorgeous MAN like mine….do you know how hard it is to shave for EVERY FREAKING APPOINTMENT when you are 36+ weeks pregnant. There was no way I was going in there with stubble. Also, is it sad that I was trying to be hot when I was that pregnant. I vote yes.
My husband used to wax poetic about how during the birth of our daughter he had to hold my leg, and it was hard because my epidural did not work and I was all sqirmy. Then i stabbed him in the leg with a fork, so he doesn’t do that anymore.
Oh boo hoo, poor bleeding ball sack. Waaaah.
I’m definitely not going to show this post to my husband.
Just b/c of the awesome post related to his problems, I suggest he gets at least one more surgery…you pick
Love your smarts and brilliant writing!
GAH! I’m not bad with the whole blood thing, but that made me want to pass out.
“I bet she doesn’t even ever fart.”
Or if she does, it smells like vanilla.