My husband’s car overheated on the way to work. He pulled over, got out, opened the hood, and liquid from some hole in the engine-ish area exploded, like, all over. And then, some douche bag totally clipped his car as it sat on the side of the road.
It was super scary.
But not what this post is about.
This post is about fate, and how it intervened when our car was moved and parked to await towing in front of both a taco place and a Native American Psychic.
In all my life, there are only two things I have never ever been able to turn down. A taco. And a psychic. Oh, and microwave popcorn. I mean, you never really go into it wanting it, but then someone makes a bag, and you are all, dude, that smells sooo good, let me grab a handful, and then you eat three bags, and you hate yourself and spend the night feeling dirty and picking kernels out of your teeth.
So, that was three things.
Forget I said anything about the popcorn.
I don’t even want to think about popcorn…unless you’re making a bag.
Damn it!
Enough with the popcorn.
Ok, so.
I am pretty sure I was supposed to be born a psychic, because I totally have that exotic/creepy way about me that could be both mysteriously endearing, but at the same time, totally scary when I tell you someone is going to murder you in your sleep and set your house on fire.
Like, totally hot like Cate Blanchette in The Gift, but crazy weird like that little freaky blond girl from Poltergeist. But not at all like that boy from The Sixth Sense, because he was less awesome and more whiny and annoying. Plus, he reminds me of what a person would look like, if that person was the product of a human mating with a koala. He’s like, some kind of weird koala person…with really big teeth.
He’s ridiculous.
Anyways, so I went to see the Native American Psychic. He was super tall with really long, willowy black hair, but I was kinda disappointed he was wearing an Old Navy logo Polar Fleece. I mean, it was chilly in there (headlights), but the civilian wear kinda ruined it for me. I really wanted him to be in something more Indian-y. Or at least like, offer me a pipe or something. Instead the whole place smelled like the Arby’s he was eating, and he was watching My Wife and Kids on a super tiny television.
This was going downhill quickly.
So, we sat down on these old smelly chairs, and he just stared at me, for like, five minutes.
And, I was all, do you want me to take my pants off? That’s how I do it at my normal psychic.
And he was all, um, I think you’re doing it wrong, and also, there may be nude photos of you on the internet now.
So then, he spent the next twenty minutes telling me that I had big things coming up, and that I needed to surround myself with people I trusted, and that I also needed to work on being kind.
It sounded less like a psychic reading, and more like a fortune cookie.
I think he could tell I was disappointed in his vaugness, so he assured me I would eventually pay off my student loans, and totally end up with a book deal, go on tour, and that this weird rash I have all over my body has less to do with the entire jar of pickles I ate, and more to do with the heat and not showering.
So he’s a doctor now?
Whatever, Native American Psychic.
So, I paid him $40 and he let me french braid his hair.
It was craziness.
That or he slipped me peyote and I hallucinated the whole thing.
Which explains why I am wearing dreamcatcher earings and am surrounded by 18 taco wrappers?
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I chuckled all the way through this one, and now I want tacos. Now. Great read!
Great post!
PS – rashes never have anything to do with pickles. Only 2 sources, loving a woman who wasn’t clean or heat.
This was too funny…I also think that you are right…any psychic in old navy is not really a psychic.
*giggle* ‘that’s how I do it at my normal psychic’.
To funny.
popcorn totally gives me heartburn… but if you’re already making a bag…
I’ve been eating kettle corn for dinner for about a month and have lost 5 pounds. Therefore, microwave popcorn deserves its own food group AND is heatlhy. So if you’re only eating 3 bags, you should probably up it to 4.
I should have known better than to read this right now. I was about to start my math exam, checked twitter first, and then of course saw you had a new post up so I had to read it first. Now I want popcorn, and there is none in my house. So I’ll just salivate about kettle corn while trying to concentrate on statistics.
A psychic who wears old navy and eats Arby’s, he’s like my hero. When can I come visit so you can take me to this magic place?
mmm arbys curly fries.
Read this at work and was laughing so hard I snorted….really loud. Think I might get fired now. Oops! Funny stuff!
After all that, are you sure he was even Native American?
I must be one of a weird few who doesn’t like popcorn.
I went to a psychic when I was 16 and she told me that Jeremiah and I would be together till one of us died (he was my high school sweetheart who broke up with me to move to California and be a pro-skater then came home to find me married with kids, he thought I was happy and left me alone, I was miserable and one day after the marriage was over we literally ran into each other on the street and have been together ever since *whew*)
She told me that we would have one child (weird cause we have one son together, but I have three with my ex…so I didn’t know she was right until later *whew*)
and that I would never be successful and famous, but our child would be. We’ll see about that.
I don’t like popcorn until someone else is eating it, then I eat of all theirs and they hate me for it.
“something more indian-y” I love it!
Now I can’t wait to hear about the upcoming book deal.
Write on, sister!
I don’t turn down a taco, but I’ve never been to a psychic. However, I’m pretty sure Indian psychics aren’t supposed to wear Old Navy. It’s like a code or something.
You just make me laugh….out loud.. and pee a little.
I’m going to make some popcorn.
Hahaha! After the day I’ve had today (seriously–home loan issues, a friend getting arrested, and a very unpleasant trip to the doctor ending with an appt. to have an MRI) I needed this laugh more than you will EVER know.
You’re an angel. An angel that stinks of popcorn, tacos, and pickles, but still–an angel.
You paid him 40 dollars AND french braided his hair? This guy definitely knows what he’s doing.
I’ll buy your book and visit you on the book tour and bring you bags of tacos.
I could have told you the same damn thing for free, let you braid my hair AND cooked you tacos.
Seriously, I saw a Cajun voodoo priestess during Mardi Gras one year. She told me I would wake up with a hangover. No shit. Maybe it was because I was carrying two Hurricanes with me at the time…just saying.
Aw. I could let you french braid my hair, and I’d feed you peyote for free. I don’t do fortune-telling though. Unless it’s like “I see you… buying me… a bottle of white wine….. and we shall drink it together….”
You, my dear, are a silly, silly woman. And I love it. (Glad you and your husband are okay!!)
YUM NEW INVENTION ALERT- Peyote sprinkles over hot microwave popcorn OR pulled pork and peyote burrito.
Both super awesome.
Hmm… I read blogs on a similar topic, but i never visited your blog. I added it to favorites and i’ll be your constant reader.
If you think bag popcorn is bad, don’t come over when I stove pop popcorn…..it’s baaad.
Now I want tacos.
I laughed all the way through this post. You mind and thoughts are one mysterious journey of comedy. I love when you get distracted in your story, too….like the digression about the popcorn.
And yes, damn it….I get those kernels in my teeth too.
How annoying.
Please go visit more psychics. Or gynecologists. Because either way, you’re going to get screwed on some level….
and we love hearing about it.
I have a popcorn kernel in my tooth that’s been there at least a month. I think I need to see a dentist soon. This is getting ridiculous. But I totally agree with the whole popcorn thing. It never sounds good until you can smell it.
You make me laugh out loud, girlie.
I made popcorn…
Now if you’d just hand over a delectable recipe so that I can use all this damn SQUASH I’ll share. Didn’t the psychic tell you?
honestly I missed the end of this post because I totally had to go make some microwave popcorn- did I miss much?
I’ve had Mexican food for 4 out of my last 10 meals, maybe (including breakfast), which is highly unusual for me, but this just makes me want more.
And there are many worse vices than popcorn, provided it’s not caramel corn or something.
I went to a psychic once in NY and when I walked in the door she said the previous client had left his wallet, and I turned around and left because if she was a really good psychic wouldn’t she have known that the guy was going to forget his wallet?
I’ve never heard truer words about popcorn. You nailed it.
When he told you that you should work on being kind, did you punch him the eye?
Popcorn?
tacos?
i thought you said this blog wasn’t about food!
http://wannabeworkathomemommy.blogspot.com
Between the Indian Physic and the Giada and Wendy the snapple lady from yestreday I have to stop reading you.
I peed my pants a little.
I just found your blog and I am hooked! You are absolutely hysterical!! Thanks for the good laughs! I will now be one of your faithful readers!
Ha-Ha! Dream catcher earrings. Those dream catcher things always make me laugh. Why do they always smell like someone’s grandmother? And not a good grandmother who makes cookies. A grandmother who smokes a lot and never opens a window shade in her house.
Oh BF! I’m going to click on your Blogher ads over and over and over again for this one!
I am so glad I read this. I have never been to a boy psychic and even though I was accosted by/approached by a psychic at the mall 6 years ago and then 4 years later I went to her office,, called the number to get her down there and then I REMEMBERED HER AND SHE DIDN’T REMEMBER ME (**wow, great psychic I so got my howmucheveritwas$$**),, then she tried to sell me things like stones and rocks and more readings which I can totally do for myself bc I am a superamazing tarot card reader. (I actually hope this is not true because I predicted myself shit for romance this year and I have been with D 4 months and it is a real relationship. Seriously, he even called it that saying something like “when youre in a RELATIONSHIP
PS there is no explanation/excuse for dreamcatcher earrings
even if they are pink
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