My 10 year high school reunion is 2 months away, and with that date hanging ominously over my head, it’s hard to come up with a post that doesn’t touch on how incredibly old I feel these days, and how that aforementioned oldness is effecting my life. I would like to think that I am still as awesome as I was in my youth, but a quick glance in the mirror punches me in the balls and tells me otherwise.
I’m not as awesome.
I’m grizzled.
And tired looking.
Like those dirty hookers you see at the beginning of a Law & Order episode.
That is me.
But, with old age comes alcohol tolerance, oh and um…wisdom.
Yes. Wisdom.
More like Celebrity Jeopardy wisdom, than say, like, real Jeopardy wisdom.
But still, totally considered wisdom.
And, it’s with this wisdom and confidence, that I am totally going to share with you now, all the totally relevant and awesome life lessons I have picked up along this strange trip they call life.
1. Always travel with a bottle of wine. Two if you are going to a funeral. Three if you are visiting my mother. Pack it in your carry on, wrapped in the emergency Spanx and jeans you packed just in case your luggage gets lost.
2. You don’t have to like being outside. It’s hot out there, and there are animals.
3. It’s ok to wear a maxi pad, even when you aren’t on your period, and especially if you are going running or to see a super funny movie.
4. There are some things you will never fit in to. For some, it may be the PTA. For me, it’s my skinny jeans.
5. Breakfast is always better for dinner.
6. There is totally nothing wrong with remembering the trips you have taken based on the names of the streets you vomited on at 4am.
7. Your pee is way less hot and gross than other people’s pee. Especially when it’s touching you.
8. If you hear a weird humming sound coming from my bedroom, don’t go in there. Especially if you are my father. Or my priest.
9. Don’t cut your hair after you have kids. It’s not easier. You look like your mother.
10. It’s totally ok, if in your whole entire life, you have only learned 9 things, but because you have serious anxiety and OCD issues, you feel the need to have lists with 10 things on them because it makes you way happier and less stabby.
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How do you get wine on your carry on? Surely it won’t fit in the sandwich baggie ziploc? Do they sell 3 oz. bottles of wine? Then you’d need like 100 though…
Wait, what’s wrong with humming? People do it all the time. It’s like singing but with no words. Tons of people hum in their bedroom. Why can’t we come in?
Ooh girl, I can rock the Celebrity Jeopardy and Cash Cab ($25 questions)
I just went to my 20th and had the best time EVER.
But when I showed up for my 10th, in 1999 (Gawd, I am old as FUCK…) I had a misbuttoned top and milk stains on both my teats. Yeah.
“Breakfast is always better for dinner.” ‘Nuff said.
Wait…I just left a comment…where’d it go?
Breakfast is always better for dinner…Amen
I have more to add to your #9: Bangs are NOT the answer. (They weren’t for me, anyway.)
Um, my high school reunion was FOUR years ago…or at least it should have been if those peppy cheerleaders would’ve gotten off their asses and planned a reunion. They must’ve been too busy having babies and fitting into their cheerleading uniforms a month post natal…or at least that’s what they’re doing in my head.
Good luck with the hair. My mom is bald, so I’m totally fucked.
I’m probably too tired to write anything coherent.
I can’t attend the whole high school reuinion thingy. I now live outside the USA and well..those bastards ain’t worth the ticket!! ok that’s harsh…. but I chat to most of them on facebook and totally love a few so it’s all good. It’s like reversing my karma right? RIGHT?!
I’m now taking your advice about packing the wine around..too bad I just found out I’m pregnant though. Still I’ll join you on the hooker corner and I can totally be that badass pregnant tired looking one with a short miniskirt and orange peel thighs. Oh and red high heeled shoes, cos ya know, that’s slutty. ♥
I was totally feeling young today until I read that it was almost your 10th h.s. reunion… cuz I am much closer to my 20th. I hate to be the one to break it to you but the next 10 years may bring an INtolerance to alcohol (which is super depressing) and not much more wisdom.
I’m contemplating my 25-year reunion and you think you’re old? I must be dead.
Why would you wanna feel LESS stabby? Just roll with it until the whole world fits in boxes of 5s and 10s. They we can both be much happier.
I just found out that my class’s “official” 10th reunion is taking place at a bar. I always pictured it’d be at some kind of banquet hall or something (a class of 600), so I’m wondering how many people will be there, and if it will only be people I don’t really want to see.
Okay I’m tripping over the ten-year-reunion thing. Holy Hell. I graduated COLLEGE in 1999. So if you’re the washed up skank at the start of Law & Order WTH am I?! The old lady on the park bench with the wine in a brown paper bag? Gah…
Skipped my 10th and 20th year reunions. The 25th is coming up in another 2 years….I’ll probably skip that one, too. Why would anyone go to their 10th year reunion anyway? You could probably just go
to the mall nearest your high school and run into about 40% of the people you knew there. Or take a night class at the local community college. 10% more will still be going there part time. Of course, some of my friends and I looked up some of the criminal court records online and found another 5% of our class serving hard time. But I’m sure you probably didn’t go to such a “thug class” of high school as we.
And I LOVE the maxi-pad rules of engagement! Totally relevant to anyone who’s been pregnant more than 3 times. Great blog.
you consider your self to raelly look like shit but on the inside you don’t mean what you say stay confident and dont let your high school buddies bring you down
What was your degree? When I was your age I had a BA in public relations. I worked as a waitress relating to the public like a motherfucker! I had 2 kids and realized nobody was going to support us (even after he asked us to marry him I just couldn’t do it. I’m not the single name type like nobody. I currently have 3 LAST names, never mind the first and middle).
This is totally unrelated to this post. Yeah I should just comment when I feel like it, except I really want to get my swim in before the boys get home. except D might question my “I swam 20 laps) except yesterday, I so did.
damn
yeah
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