My 10 year high school reunion is 2 months away, and with that date hanging ominously over my head, it’s hard to come up with a post that doesn’t touch on how incredibly old I feel these days, and how that aforementioned oldness is effecting my life. I would like to think that I am still as awesome as I was in my youth, but a quick glance in the mirror punches me in the balls and tells me otherwise.
I’m not as awesome.
I’m grizzled.
And tired looking.
Like those dirty hookers you see at the beginning of a Law & Order episode.
That is me.
But, with old age comes alcohol tolerance, oh and um…wisdom.
Yes. Wisdom.
More like Celebrity Jeopardy wisdom, than say, like, real Jeopardy wisdom.
But still, totally considered wisdom.
And, it’s with this wisdom and confidence, that I am totally going to share with you now, all the totally relevant and awesome life lessons I have picked up along this strange trip they call life.
1. Always travel with a bottle of wine. Two if you are going to a funeral. Three if you are visiting my mother. Pack it in your carry on, wrapped in the emergency Spanx and jeans you packed just in case your luggage gets lost.
2. You don’t have to like being outside. It’s hot out there, and there are animals.
3. It’s ok to wear a maxi pad, even when you aren’t on your period, and especially if you are going running or to see a super funny movie.
4. There are some things you will never fit in to. For some, it may be the PTA. For me, it’s my skinny jeans.
5. Breakfast is always better for dinner.
6. There is totally nothing wrong with remembering the trips you have taken based on the names of the streets you vomited on at 4am.
7. Your pee is way less hot and gross than other people’s pee. Especially when it’s touching you.
8. If you hear a weird humming sound coming from my bedroom, don’t go in there. Especially if you are my father. Or my priest.
9. Don’t cut your hair after you have kids. It’s not easier. You look like your mother.
10. It’s totally ok, if in your whole entire life, you have only learned 9 things, but because you have serious anxiety and OCD issues, you feel the need to have lists with 10 things on them because it makes you way happier and less stabby.
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thank you for starting this shitty morning with a laugh. now, if my coffee machine would get its ass in gear…
Oh, honey, you don’t look like one of the hookers on “Law and Order.” I mean, you are at least pretty enough to be one of the hookers on “CSI.” You know, the hollywoodized hookers.
Hope that made you feel better.
Ok, first, I just had my 20! year reunion last year. So shut up.
Second, I can SO relate with everything on your list, especially numbers 1,3,4,6 and 8
You rock mamacita!
I skipped my 10 year reunion for these reasons. That and I’m really pregnant and really fat and NOT showing my face to those aneroxics I went to high school with:)
This is the best title Ive ever read.
I went to mine in May. Like a dumbass. All the cool kids were still too cool to go to reunions, so I sat with the other tattooed folks and band nerds in a roller skating rink. Yep, we roller skated. Yay Class of ’99
My 10 year high school reunion was 2 years ago. And you’ve got to be out of your mind batshit insane if you think I went. Not like I even got an invitation. Apparently, nobody from my high school wonders what ever happened to me.
my 20th is coming up next year- I have learned that it was dumb to volunteer to plan the whole fucking thing!
Priceless:
But, with old age comes alcohol tolerance, oh and um…wisdom.
Yes. Wisdom.
More like Celebrity Jeopardy wisdom, than say, like, real Jeopardy wisdom.
But still, totally considered wisdom.
Funniest. Shit. Ever.
“less stabby” Fantastic.
I have already started the liquid diet to prepare for my 30 year reunion (Jesus help me) that takes place in 2012.
and less stabby-LMAO
I luv #3 and totally agree but if I can add to it also if you have sudden onset of allergies and find yourself sneezing your ass off (wouldn’t it be great if you could actually sneeze your ass off?)
I did cut my hair but it really is cute and easier considering I have this weird wave thingy going on that requires lots of hot air and hot iron that takes way to long on long hair.
We didn’t go to my hubs or mine (yes we went to high school together no we didn’t graduate together so we skipped out on 2) I saw all I needed to see on Myspace:) and BTW don’t feel to bad because I am older than you!
1–my alcohol tolerance has gone DOWN as I’ve neared my late twenties. DOWN!! What’s wrong with me?
2–I agree with you on the hair-cutting. My husband calls it the “I give up” haircut, and views it with the same enthusiasm that he views cockroaches and/or carnies.
love the list. especially the wine part.
I agree- breakfast IS always better for dinner.
xo
So, I agree wholeheartedly with 1,4,5 &9. #3 Confuses me. And #7 makes me wonder how you came to that knowledge. But totally in a “on second thought, I really don’t want to know” kind of way.
Ahhhh…brinner, how I love brinner- oh and go Ingersoll Drive in Des Moines, IA- I have fond memories of using you hold myself up.
I am also OCD and must make lists with even numbers. But I am so on track with your list. It is great. Don’t feel old. I believe high school reunions were invented to make us feel old. Don’t let them win.
Bitch, I am two years away from my 20 year reunion. You are NOT old.
First of all, did you go to my HS? Our 10 year reunion is in two months too. LOL I’m going althought I’m gonna be all pregnant like and hopefully NOT showing! LOL
Your line about Jeopardy made me laugh. You mean I’m not extra smart when watching Celeb Jep?
#9…so incredibly true. I had to learn the hard way myself.
Also, for the doubters: See exhibit A: Kate Gosselin
It’s too bad you can’t take liquids to an airplane anymore. Ruins all the fun.
I got drunk over the phone with my bf for our 10 yr & 20 reunion. Couldn’t have PAID me enough to go.
ps- I also would have totally made up a #10. A list with 9 is just wrong.
You are a wise wise woman, my friend.
Number 2, is personally my favorite. And I live by it.
5. Breakfast is always better for dinner.
Hells yeah!
My 10-year reunion was last weekend. I always vowed I wouldn’t go unless I was skinny and hot with an impressive career. So I totally bailed on it. Maybe I’ll go to the 20-year…..as long as I’m skinny and hot with an impressive career, of course.
My 10 year is in the end of September! Also, to add to #9, you shouldn’t cut your kid’s hair either… Unless it’s a mohawk. Their friends will inevitably make fun of it and they won’t let you live it down. Ever. My Stepdad is pushing 60 and his Mom has been gone for close to 10 years, but he still gives her a hard time about the haircuts he got when he was in grade school.
Wasn’t feeling great today, but your blog has truly lifted my spirits.
I didn’t go to my reunions (10 nor 20). I would have had to be drugged, hog tied and hainously tortured for weeks to get me to my reunion. Not to say I didn’t have friends, I had a few, but over the years I too have gained wisdom. I now know it is not okay to treat people like crap for being different. I also know that feeling bad for something beyond your control just because someone else want you to is, well pathetic.
I totally agree with you on number 3 and 8. And doesn’t everybody already know number 5.
You still rock.
You are brilliant. I am still mourning my long hair.
I ~heart~ your blog so much. It always makes me laugh out loud. #2 is something I totally agree with and #3 is unfortunately my life as a mom of 3 kids as well.
I think you should go to the reunion, the ten year is usually pretty entertaining…
#11…You don’t have to go to your fucking class reunion if you don’t want to. Assholes never change; they just assholier.
you are indeed: wise.
Oh, and hilarious.
So those other women at the class reunion can just be jealous.
They should be.
I need to have 10 things on my list as well!
You are a wise wise woman!
Thank god I was wearing a pad when Iread this because I just pissed myself!
Well, my 25th is in a month and a half. I lost my ‘white collar’ job and now work in a factory. If it was my mother coming to your house, you would need 20 bottles of wine. I don’t remember the last time I sneezed and didn’t have to change underwear. I don’t think I am even “Celebrity Jeopardy” smart. Am I going? Yes, cuz I saw pictures of some people I graduated with on some ‘social networking sites’-I look WAY better than some of those prissy bitches!
You, my friend, are brilliant. And my favorite life-lesson teacher ever
These are noted.
Dear Tiny Young Baby Barefoot Foodie, You have learned 9 great things and that’s plenty. Now pleas tell me how to get the wine bottles through security at the airport when they’re in my carry-on luggage. Thank you.
Trade you ages… oh wait, then I’d have to give you ten more years of *ahemWisdomahem* I can’t give you that, it’s what you need to get by when the CRS becomes overwhelming and you have to shout “the thing, the THING” at your husband cause you can’t remember the name of it and you punctuate it with these weird hand gestures that are supposed to help him figure out what ‘thing’ you’re talking about, but he totally doesn’t get it and you wind up all frustrated AND Now You Can’t Remember Why Old age sucks big fat donkey rocks, M’dear, but it sure beats the alternative.
less stabby.
That made me so. Happy.
You are being featured on Five Star Friday!
http://www.fivestarfriday.com/2009/08/five-star-fridays-edition-66.html
Totally agree with #3 and #5! And, by the way, you are not old. My 10 year high school reunion was almost 10 years ago. So now I feel old. Thanks.
I came here from Five Star Friday, and yes, I’d say this post is definitely Five Stars!!
Oh, dear! Wait ’till you turn 40!
As a 39 year old, for fuck’s sake, I can’t get past the fact that you think YOU are old. We may have to break up now.
HAHAHAHAHA!
Just want to throw out there….my 10 year reunion is in like…10 months? Or something? So don’t you be calling me old!
Your words are oh-so-wise.. so very WISE.
Great post!
Your post will be discussed on tonight’s FiveStarFriday Live at 10pm CST.
http://ustream.tv/channels/fivestarfridaylive
breakfast IS always better for dinner.
and sometimes lunch.
but then, pizza’s best at breakfast.
Best assvice ever: “You don’t have to like being outside. It’s hot out there, and there are animals.”
I was pregnant at my 10 yr reunion, which means I could even get drunk. I relived the horror of high school cold sober. I don’t know what I was thinking by going.
One of my life lessons learned: Skip the 10 year reunion. People are still as catty and clique-y as they were 10 years before.
Breakfast is definitely better for dinner. Just like cold pizza is better for breakfast.
Excellent list. I learned a lot.
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