When I order chinese take out.
They always put two forks in the bag.
As in, I have ordered the amount of food that would take two normal people to eat.
But, there’s not two people.
There’s only me.
It’s just that, I like egg rolls. And MSG.
Portion control?
I know you not.
I mean, I already don’t fit comfortably into my clothes, I don’t need shit from the Chinese about it, also.
I always worry, what if one day I am that fat person in the restaurant that people look at and shake their heads, because, hello, fat people aren’t allowed to eat, like, actual food, in public places. Because that’s just asking to be fat, ya know.
It’s a slippery slope to being confined to your bed wearing a giant sheet and having your own half ton medical special on TLC.
Thank God we have the skinny people looking out for us.
And the Chinese.
{ 45 comments… read them below or add one }
I think crab rangoon is a conspiracy to keep us on the chunky side. Mmm…delicious creamy fried goodness.
MSG is where creativity comes from.
We had chinese food on Saturday night. I ate more than my husband.
Thank God I don’t eat Chinese- I just go feel REALLY skinny among all the obese at the buffets and blame my 18 trips to the dessert bar on my kids- like a real American.
I ALWAYS orders 2 egg rolls. I love their greasy goodness, especially after I have bathed them in duck sauce. My take out meal is ruined if my husband forgets to order two instead of one. He’s well trained.
I agree, whole heartedly. If it wasn’t for the skinny people we might actually feel like we belong at the beach (okay maybe that’s pushing it, I don’t think I would be comfortable in a bathing suit in the middle of Whale Wars).
Wow..you are right. That email did come at a frightening time for this post.
And whenever Jeff and I order Chinese they put 5 fortune cookies in there. 5? Really? Ordering 3 meals and some fried rice means 5 people are eating? Either way…I always get the extra fortune cookie.
If they can pry the greasy, smothered with hot mustard, rods from heaven from my cold dead hands, it’s okay……I’m done.
It’s their conspiracy to take us over.
The Japanese are using their ‘shrimp sauce’ as well.
I LOVE egg rolls…they dont get caught in my sinuses like burritos do.
mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm msg. i want wonton soup now.
Mmmmm…. egg rolls. I think we might have to have Chinese for dinner tonight.
I usually order the ‘family eggroll’… which consists of 5 of them. A great day is when I get to eat them all myself!
good thing those skinny people are there!!
Great, now I REALLY want Orange Chicken……and egg rolls….and Lo Mein.
They give you two forks so you can eat noodles with one and scoop hella shit on with the other.
Can I order with you next time? No one else in this household likes Chinese food and when I get my way and order it for myself, they always send me two forks too. Way to make me feel bad Chinese Take-out Place. Why don’t you just “oink” when I answer the door?
Why ARE people always so surprised and disgusted to see fat people eating?
It’s that same look smokers get when someone hears them cough.
you eat that shit and twenty minutes later you’re starving again! No wonder they stay so skinny! nummy…chinese…it’s so good tho
Mmmmmm. Chinese.
And don’t forget our fat friends that our now on a health kick. Those are the worst.
And don’t even get started on the fried dumplings…O.M.G.
I already packed lunch, but now after reading this I really want to go to the Chinese place next door to get egg rolls…
well, if they didn’t fry everything and make those God-forsaken cream cheese puffs…. oh, and the buffet by work, they have cream cheese and chedder stuffing. For the love of God!
How can you not just eat it all?! It’s so delicious!! Hehe!
Big girls need love too!!
I have exactly the same experience with sushi. I order the combo. They give me AT LEAST two sets of chopsticks. I decline the extras, and they bug out their eyes.
Really, they should be grateful and not cast judgment. We’re their best customers. We order way more than most people, which means more money for them. Don’t shoot yourselves in the foot, people!
You’re so spot on! When I used to order chinese food they’d always bring me two things of eating utensils and fortune cookies.
Sorry folks it’s just me and my 8lbs baby and he’s only gettin’ the MSG through my boobs.
Lovin’ your blog lady.
Perhaps it is not so much an admonishment of your eating habits, but a lack of confidence in the durability and strength of their sheisty silverware.
that’s pretty funny. and I always eat it all too. and finish my husbands. and daughters.
I thought the two forks were so I could eat it faster. I thought they were just being nice!
I love Chinese, and my husband hated it when we first got married.
But I have turned him around with lo mein and crab ragoon. He would eat it everyday now.
I have turned another one!!
I hate eating cafeteria-style (i.e. mall food court) because I always wonder which prick is judging the cheeseburger I’m putting in my mouth.
And now I want Chinese, dammit.
Stupid skinny people. Um, and Chinese. And fatties. Wait. I forgot who I was mad at.
Too funny!
The last time I got Thai food just for myself, I was given 4 sets of utensils. My meal would have fed FOUR Thai people. Fuck, that was depressing. So I drowned myself in Pad Sew Ew.
That happens with me and sushi too… I order enough for them to think there’s 2 or 3 of us eating.
And… I’m always shocked when I see some tiny woman at my favorite sushi joint eating only one sushi roll.
Who eats only one sushi roll? I don’t get it.
I swear I’ve heard of this portion control thing…I know I have…
bastards. I am actually looking forward to my first TLC special.
Those Chinese people are stupid. You don’t eat eggrolls with forks.
BTW I just discovered your blog and I fucking love you.
Well, of c ourse you’re going to eat “more”. For god’s sake, a half hour after eating a full-course Chinese meal, you’re hungry again.
Those Chinese are just jealous of our great ability to scarf down huge amounts of food, and not be a size 0 like they all seem to be.
Our local Chinese restaurant has tried to kill us on several occasions, mostly with Crab Rangoon Gone Wrong. They can try to kill us, but they can’t get us to stop ordering.
Your blog always makes me hungry. Usually Mexican food, now Chinese food. What’s next, Thai? Indian?
Maybe they just figured you wanted to use a different fork for each of the kinds of food. They’re catering to the fastidious, not the fat-tidious.
Doesn’t that make you feel better?
You have to wonder. I’ve seen the Chinese eat the food they make. Why the HELL are they so skinny and we are not.. is it like Genetic makeup?or whatever?. I don’t think I’ve ever seen a fat Asian.
I love Chinese Food, but unfortunately, it does NOT love me.
The restaurant people don’t believe me when I tell them I want my Kung Pao, “Extrahotsuperspicyextraextra.” Seriously. I want enough of those evil little red chiles to make my nose run and my forehead sweat. Because forehead sweat and chilisnot dripping onto some random chick’s back while you’re banging the crap out of her chimpy chimpanzee-style is H. O. T.
I’m tired of worrying about people watching what I eat. If I’m eating out or getting take out, it’s usually cause I feel like being bad! Num, num, Chinese food!