WHO PUT ME IN CHARGE OF DOING ALL THE ADULT THINGS?
This is what I yelled when the gas guy came to shut my gas off.
He was all, you need to pay your bill every month, and I was all, what do I even need gas for, it’s summer, THIS IS A SCAM, and he was all, ok lady, I am shutting it off, and I was like, touche gas guy, and he’s like, I have no idea what you are talking about.
If I was in charge of paying the utilities for the entire planet. No one would have hot water, and everyone would have to poop in a bucket…in the dark.
Paying bills, getting my oil changed, applying pressure to things that are gushing blood. Ridiculous. I mean, noses, they just, um, have this never ending surge of bright red blood and it smells all hot and irony and…
*thud*
Where are the band aids, who the hell is in charge of buying the band aids around here? It’s still gushing out! I think I might puke…
*thud*
These are all mom jobs. My jobs.
I don’t have the hair, crocs or high waisted jeans to be good at this stuff.
Like calling to make appointments for things. Doctors, dentists, hair cuts, therapy. I don’t even order pizza. I have a track record of having full blown anxiety attacks when I have to talk to someone who is not a robot on the phone.
I don’t want to interact with other humans, can’t I just press numbers and simulate conversations with computers?
No. I can’t. Because my husband says I am old enough to talk to other living, non-android people on the phone, especially when I am ordering pizza.
But, they better deliver that shit, ’cause I am not picking it up.
That would require getting dressed. Maybe not underwear, but definitely pants.
Oh, and also, I’m in charge of changing the batteries in smoke alarms and investigating strange noises in the middle of the night?
WHAT IF SOMEONE KILLS ME, YOU GOOOOOO.
I haven’t been in a fight since I sucker punched my cousin DJ at Christmas dinner at my Oma’s in 1995. He tried to grab my boob and he ate all the butter cookies.
Since then, my training has been sporadic.
I could in no way ward off an intruder.
Please stop leaving me in charge of life or death situations.
Do I look like I know what I am doing, because, I DON’T KNOW WHAT I AM DOING!
This is why I don’t have pets, too much added responsibility.
Wait I do have a pet.
There’s celery, peanut butter and a bag of peperoni on the table for dinner. Grab the dog and have at it.
I’ll be downstairs.
Trying to figure out why my dryer smells like fire.
Some of us don’t get that shit fixed for free, and my android house keeper called in sick.
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Dude. I bet it smells like fire because the cat was in ther under the damp clothes, because your husband likes to put the clothes in the drier from the washer, but not turn the damn thing on or even CLOSE THE DOOR, and your cat is old and fat and it’s summer time, so he burrows under the cool, damp clothes inside the nice dark, quiet drier, and when you came downstairs and saw what Douchebag McLaundryfuckup had done AGAIN, you just slammed the door and turned it on and stomped away.
Maybe. Not that things like that happen. To people. In real life. People that have already apologized a like million times and JESUS CHRIST CAT, IT WASNT THAT SCARY, WOULD YOU PLEASE QUIT THAT FUCKING YOWLING!?
Ahahaha! I love this! I think exactly the same way you do.
It’s like you wrote two posts, one each about my wife and I, and then merged them together in alternating paragraphs. Mostly about our bad traits… sorry. You’re way funnier than both of us, so you have that feather in your cap.
I’m much more organized than my wife– she forgets important stuff all over the place, but even after two years, I still forget to do/don’t do the most basic stuff in taking care of the kids and the house. (I mean, since when is it my job to plan a real, grown-up dinner, just because I’m the one home during the day??)
She has no idea how so many necessary things just magically get done or appear in the house, and at work I used to just e-mail people down the hall questions/information if I wasn’t sure they were out of their office and thus might answer their phone. You must also have our good qualities (both of them) if you’ve got all these bad ones, right?
ha ha ha ha ha ha
love it and you
So, is it bad that I still ask my mom to make my doctor’s appointments?
You just listed all of the reasons that I will never have children. My dogs can’t call the “proper authorities” on me.
ps- Aren’t dryers supposed to smell like fire? Fuck. I hope so. If not, I’m screwed.
I got a phone call recently from a credit card company about a credit card I forgot I had. We’re in the same sad boat.
I find that if you make your children call the gas company or phone company, the cranky customer service rep usually feels compelled to be nice to them. Plus they might even throw in a lollipop or two.
Oh good golly you crack me UP! Thank God for Twitter else I never would have found you. Mwah!
Two words – online banking!
I haven’t had to deal with a bill by phone or in person in years. You can even set it up to pay a minimum monthly payment on a certain day each month, in case you forget to pay the full amount – believe it or not, just paying the minimum seriously improves your credit rating! It’s as close as you can get these days to a robot bill-paying servant.
Paying bills even on the computer gives me panic attacks too. I threw away all the mom jeans and crocs so I could pretend that I am the world’s oldest teenager. I will totally share my robot too.
You are so funny–I’m the same way-I get phone fright and put my fingers in my ears when my husband tries to explain things I should know as an adult.
Girl, you are in charge of way too much stuff. Something is bound to slip through the cracks. Here’s how I see it: I can be in charge of cooking, grocery lists and menu, shopping, getting the girls ready for school, looking pretty. Everything else is up for grabs.
I have serious phone issues too. Maybe we should swap digits and start crank calling each other, and forcing each other to have lengthy conversations about pizza toppings……could help….
I know this post was forever ago, but did you know you can order pizza from Papa John’s online? Yep. You tell it what all you want on your pizza and how many and whether you want wings with that (YES) and 45 minutes later they show up on your doorstep and you shove your cash in their hand and they get the hell out of Dodge. Everybody wins.
I order pizza on-line and make my kids answer the door to a complete stranger and give them money. Even if the baby has no clothes on and is dancing around in front of the pizza delivery guy/girl.
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