WHO PUT ME IN CHARGE OF DOING ALL THE ADULT THINGS?
This is what I yelled when the gas guy came to shut my gas off.
He was all, you need to pay your bill every month, and I was all, what do I even need gas for, it’s summer, THIS IS A SCAM, and he was all, ok lady, I am shutting it off, and I was like, touche gas guy, and he’s like, I have no idea what you are talking about.
If I was in charge of paying the utilities for the entire planet. No one would have hot water, and everyone would have to poop in a bucket…in the dark.
Paying bills, getting my oil changed, applying pressure to things that are gushing blood. Ridiculous. I mean, noses, they just, um, have this never ending surge of bright red blood and it smells all hot and irony and…
*thud*
Where are the band aids, who the hell is in charge of buying the band aids around here? It’s still gushing out! I think I might puke…
*thud*
These are all mom jobs. My jobs.
I don’t have the hair, crocs or high waisted jeans to be good at this stuff.
Like calling to make appointments for things. Doctors, dentists, hair cuts, therapy. I don’t even order pizza. I have a track record of having full blown anxiety attacks when I have to talk to someone who is not a robot on the phone.
I don’t want to interact with other humans, can’t I just press numbers and simulate conversations with computers?
No. I can’t. Because my husband says I am old enough to talk to other living, non-android people on the phone, especially when I am ordering pizza.
But, they better deliver that shit, ’cause I am not picking it up.
That would require getting dressed. Maybe not underwear, but definitely pants.
Oh, and also, I’m in charge of changing the batteries in smoke alarms and investigating strange noises in the middle of the night?
WHAT IF SOMEONE KILLS ME, YOU GOOOOOO.
I haven’t been in a fight since I sucker punched my cousin DJ at Christmas dinner at my Oma’s in 1995. He tried to grab my boob and he ate all the butter cookies.
Since then, my training has been sporadic.
I could in no way ward off an intruder.
Please stop leaving me in charge of life or death situations.
Do I look like I know what I am doing, because, I DON’T KNOW WHAT I AM DOING!
This is why I don’t have pets, too much added responsibility.
Wait I do have a pet.
There’s celery, peanut butter and a bag of peperoni on the table for dinner. Grab the dog and have at it.
I’ll be downstairs.
Trying to figure out why my dryer smells like fire.
Some of us don’t get that shit fixed for free, and my android house keeper called in sick.
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Awesome. You just need one of those “I’ve fallen & I can’t get up” aid thingies. They solve all kinds of problems.
Blood type emergency – hit it
Intruder – hit it
Just make sure you don’t hit it when you’re actually hittin’ it – EMS are hot & all, but that’s just awkward.
Ha. Good luck with all that.. and I just found the rockinest robot ever.. hold on while I go find the link:
ahh here it is:
http://www.bnconcepts.com/
watch the Prim8 video.. SERIOUSLY!
I love you. And I’m so glad to know that I’m not the only pseudo-adult who hates talking to live people on the phone. One other thing…I did not get the memo about the hair, crocs and high-waisted jeans. I’m going to be so bad at that whole mom thing…one day. Maybe.
As you know I think getting dressed is a waste of time, but I do like leaving the house. You know, otherwise I won’t have any wine. I think our solution is bathrobes. They take hardly any energy to put on, plus they are fluffy and soft like dead teddy bears.
I’m still working on having to talk to other people. I’ll get back to you on that, but I’m guessing it will somehow involve Twitter. Or midgets.
I am afraid to call and order food for take out. IT PARALYZES ME!
Don’t you love that lecture, “If you pay monthly this won’t happen!”? I pay all my bills late, over the phone, they’re late because I hate talking to them as well. And I’m a single mom, so it’s only me who can do these things, but I make my daughter order the pizza. Sadly, I own Crocs, but that’s only because I work in a restaurant.
Great! Maybe one day I’ll have the balls to write about things like the tiny snails living in the corner of my bathtub and they are too cute and too living to do something about- secretly live behind the sugar scrub jar.
You give me hope!
I don’t talk to people I don’t know on the phone, my mom taught me not to talk to people I don’t know!
Plus hello! Online ordering for pizza.
Peanut butter and celery are delicious, the kids and the dog should appreciate it.
Hell I have the crocs AND the hairdo (but thankfully NOT the mom jeans) and I still suck at most of the things on your list. And I also hate making appointments. Although, ordering pizza as opposed to cooking dinner (that half of my family will take one look at and turn their noses up at) – I’ve learned to get over that one. Their on speed dial (even though the other half of said family is lactose intolerant). Sign me up for that robot.
damn. that’s they’re not their.
Ha! I would rather talk to a human on the phone than press 1 for English plus I don’t even understand what para servicio en espaniol means!
Online pizza ordering. Best invention ever.
And I once went to Taco Bell with no pants on. After a night out. In college. But I totally wrapped a blanket around myself. But I don’t know who’s it was. It was just laying on the couch.
Yeah, we should live closer.
You know that some places have online ordering for pizza, I LOVE it! That is when I don’t make hubs or the teenager call and order it for me. And we all know of my excitement with the electric company when I came home from BlogHer-that was fun.
I totally NEED to talk to a live person on the phone. I can’t deal with those automated people and their freaky voices. Plus, if I don’t talk to them live, they might get my order for Thai wrong. Then I’ll be disappointed. And hungry.
I hate ordering things on the phone too. My husband and I do rock, paper, scissors to see who has to do it. If I’m sure he’s going to pull a damn rock to my scissors, I’ll just offer ‘special favors’ to him in exchange for him talking to the Chinese takeout lady. Totally worth it.
Phone calls make me sweaty…I have to write myself little cheat notes so that I won’t forget who I am or why I called.
i am totally an online girl. if i cant do it online its probably not getting done. order food – online. ay bills – online. shopped for my car – pnline. ppl annoy me.
OOoohhhhh… I love your subtle mention of getting appliances fixed for free. I’ve been reading her, too. Mixed emotions on that one.
Now that my kids are old enough to dial phone numbers, I make them order the pizza.
i don’t get the mom jeans. i don’t even know where you buy them. f*ck. i just want to turn this thing off. this thing being my life as a mom. no one told me about it.
also, i only order pizza on-line now. so i don’t have to talk to them or exchange the money in person.
You can order pizza online these days, provided you’re willing to go chain instead of ritzy-gourmet-pizza. That’s where my abilities end, though, because I flat out refuse to answer the door for delivery men. The bell rings, I hide under the blanket on the couch (where I was anyway, if I’m being honest) and he gets the door. When it’s “safe” I come back out.
I mean, it could be an axe murderer and not the pizza guy. Or, he could be so overcome with lust when he sees me that he comes back the next day when my husband is at work and offs me, smelling cheesy and pepperoni-y, and a little scary.
–>My husband handles all the bill paying, appliance fixin’ and dog maintenance. I do The Rest. It’s why I order pizza online when I have to make dinner.
http://www.WebSavyMom.com
A-freakin’-men….
I hate that this Mommyhood/Adulthood stuff didn’t come with instructions and an assistant to boss around all day and make them do the things I don’t want to do.
whoa, wait, time out. People get dressed to leave the house?! Who didn’t send me THAT MEMO?!
Also, I don’t think we should have to pay bills. I think it’s a rip off and that guy who came round to shut you off would have only pocketed the money and hauled ass out of your driveway cackling. Jerk wad.
Do you know what errand my husband set out for me to complete today?
The fucking EPA test on his car. The one you drove in to Chicago. Im panicking RIGHT NOW and cant even find the closest place, online, on where to go and get it checked. And than I have to do things. And talk to people.
Dear God. Get me through this morning.
Incapable of making phone calls. I don’t even like to ANSWER THE PHONE unless I know the person very well. My husband made all of my OB appointments. They must think he’s a crazy control freak or something.
MOVING ON.
Dude, seriously. I hate talking on the phone. That’s husband’s job. I’ll pay the bills, and take care of the anti-social responsibilities.
But if I have to call someone – I’ll wait until after hours and leave a message.
Wait a minute, I’m pretty sure that investigating strange noises is firmly in the BOY column.
Life would be so much easier if we could do everything by email.
I just gotta say, you make my day. I can always count on you to make me smile. (the people I work with always think I am up to something cause I giggle at my desk)
Yea the adult shit sucks I hate being in charge of stuff, especially bills I hate it when hubs gets all pissy when I pay them late-which is alot of the the time BTW. And then when he asks me how much money we have-how and I suppose to know can’t he check it out?
Blood stuff doesn’t bother me so much so atleast I am ok in that department.
I just had the same conversation with the water guy the other day. But instead of turning it off he felt bad for me and didn’t. He told me I could go in right away, pay it and bring him back the confirmation number. I considered telling him that was too much work…
I ask that question everyday…um i’m taking care of everyone…who’s taking care of me!?
Luckily I found a husband that pays the bills AND orders my pizza… Even when he’s on business in another state. Dominos.com is handy as hell.
I’m fairly certain we would be living in a house with no electricity and we’d all look anorexic if I were head bitch in charge.
I’m pretty sure that’s why Michelle Duggar is having another baby – she wants to make sure she always has someone else to order the pizza.
And I’m pretty sure that bill paying can easily be pawned off as a homework assignment if you home school…
Isn’t all that stuff what husbands are for? I mean “yay” for all that feminine mystique crap, but I got married so that I wouldn’t have to be the one cleaning pet vomit and weilding a baseball bat at intruders. Don’t tell me I just went through a wedding for nothing!
Androids can get sick? What kind of world do we live in?
You are not alone. We were out of toilet paper in my house for 5 days. Let me tell you, napkins are NOT toilet paper.
I finally got the urge to be all “Mom” about life and proudly went out and bought like 12 rolls.
Which then sat in the trunk of my car. For another 3 days.
You crack me up! I love reading your post — while I’m not a mom yet, you reassure me that you don’t have to know how to do everything (like stop a gushing wound or remembering to pay the bills) to be a sucessful adult. So thanks.
Also, I just started my own blog (I’m very new to all of this). If you’d like to check it out: ideclaire.wordpress.com. Thanks!!
You know, if you were in charge of the world, we wouldn’t have to worry about global warming. Everyone’s gas tank would be on empty and their electricity would be shut off. So, sometimes irresponsibility can be a good thing.
Boy do I feel like this sometimes. That’s when I turn on Jerry Springer and sigh to myself….”it could be worse”
You win Today.
My husband doesn’t like having to handle this “grown up” stuff which means I end up having to do it by default. How annoying!
Bless you, dominoes.com, bless you.
The gas guy is the most loathed of them all at my house too!
Ha! So funny. I can’t tell you how many times my husband and I have forgotten to pay bills, not on purpose, just because we both have crazy jobs and collapse at night. We’ve gone without power, without air conditioning, without hot water and my cell phone has been shut off. We’re on the right track now, but damn, it sucks when it happens! lol – good luck!
I totally feel you on all of the above. I hatehateHATE
ok pushed enter too soon. Anyways. I HATE doing adulty-type stuff. The Husband does the bills, etc. I have mild panic attacks when I have to deal with people on the phone, even the pizza or Chinese delivery guys. But The Husband draws the line at that, so I usually have to do the ordering.
Comme to think of it, this is probably why my credit rating is so bad… it wasn’t that I didn’t have the money for my bills before he came along and took over.. I just got distracted and forgot to pay things till 2 weeks later.
Oh. and blood? Totally agree about the hot/iron-y smell. I thoought nobody else noticed that.. I always get funny looks when I tell people blood smells. They can suck it.
I totally feel you on all of the above. I hatehateHATE doing Adulty, responsible things. That’s probably why my credit rating is so bad… it wasn’t that I didn’t have the money to pay the bills before The Husband came along and took over, I just forgot until the nasty phone calls started coming in and I had to go, “oh! duh. Can I pay that online? Why didn’t you send me an email so I know this shit?”
And on the blood thing… I completely agree with the hot, iron-y smell…it’s just weird and creepy. And nobody believes me when I tell them blood smells. I thought I was the only one.
I know someone is going to come along some day and point me out as a “fake adult” like the end of Body Snatchers when Donald Sutherland is all, “UUUUUUNNNNNNNGGGGG!”
I hate making phone calls too.
Okay, so first of all, I didn’t read the rest of the comments because I’m just that ADD that I don’t care what they wrote. But, of course, I do actually care and I was just being very schitzy and so I will go back and read them. And this leads me to my actual point.
You need to write more. And because I care, I will not bloat your ego more than necessary but I will say that you are enough of amazing that when I was referred to your site by my sis at truemommy.com, I read through every post of yours in a week and laughed my ass off. I literally do not have an ass anymore. (which is untrue, my ass is intact and jiggly and, don’t tell my sis, but you are waaaaayyyy funnier.)
Which brings me to may actual ACTUAL point in that I am upset to have made it through your entire history and have to wait a week to hear more crazy fun shit. And fuck, I actually care because I am inspired to be you but have absolutely no discipline to actually maintain the lifestyle. Although wine drinking and insanity are constants in my life. Whatever.
So, long, ridiculous story later, will you please right more? Because I’m fucking bored.
okay, so I’m at least human enough to get annoyed by people talking about talking to robots and ordering pizza and crap like that. I’m just going to assume that in the grand scheme of things you don’t actually care how I order pizza.
If I’m wrong, please correct me and I will give you the name of my pizza guy. He’s good, if you know what I mean…:-)
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