I’ve been places, people.
I’ve seen things.
24 hours ago…I could not describe to you the inside of the room someone would need to go into to produce a sample to test to see if their vasectomy worked or not.
Now I can.
I didn’t start out there. I started out in the car. With three kids. Eating donuts and waiting for daddy to come out.
But, he was taking forever. The natives were restless.
So we went inside.
All of us.
And, after I out-mean faced the lady at the desk (yeah lady, I do have all three kids with me, here, in the hallway of jack-off rooms, I’ve had a morning, get off my shit) she gave me his room number, and we crept down to Collection Room B.
It was quiet. I don’t know what I expected. Moans maybe? Lots of shifting around?
Nothing.
tap. tap. tap.
Me: Hunny, listen, are you done yet because we still have to go to the party store?
Um…no?
Me: Right, no rush, but the boys are getting super restless. Oh, and we went through Tim Horton’s and got donuts, we saved you some, they are in the car. I had a bagel, though. I think the cream cheese was bad, it smelled like vagina. *baby giggle, baby giggle* Oh listen hun, the baby is saying hi! Hi papa. Hi daddy. Hurry up papa, mama’s got a super busy day planned today, and she has to go to the party store to find some Jesus-y stuff for the Baptism.
…
Me: She is just adorable. I could eat her up. Yeah, so anyways, as soon as we are done here, I have to zoom over to order the cake and get some decorations. Do you think a crucifix pinata would be weird? I mean, I think the boys would have a good time with it, but is it tacky to beat Jesus on a Cross with an old broom stick handle? I feel super awkward about it.
Carrie?
New Voice: Brittany? (Coming from the room behind me. The room that, oh, I AM NOT STANDING IN FRONT OF AND WHISPERING INTO)
Am now figuratively peeing my pants.
So, I grab the kids and run into Collection Room D (D! FUCKING D!) and shut the door.
Annnnnddddddddd, I’m crying.
I just spent 5 minutes whispering into the door of a complete stranger about beating the son of God with a stick. A stranger who was, um, that’s right…beating off into a cup!?
Oh hi creepy jerking off guy, let me help turn you on with Jesus talk and baby giggles, because, oh yeah, I’m a fucking lunatic!
So, there I am, death gripping the baby, my heart is racing, and thank God my husband has his pants on, because explaining to two young boys why daddy can touch his junk in public, but they can’t, is not on my shit to do today list.
Traumatizing everyone within a 50 foot radius of me, though? Is.
So, my husband and I decided to make this a homework project, gathered our kids and the 9 billion hot wheels they managed to strew about (NOBODY TOUCH ANYTHING OMG THERE IS SEMEN EVERYWHERE), and we went back to the car for donuts, chocolate milk, and gobs of Purel.
And, because you are dying to know, my husband wouldn’t let me buy the Jesus pinata. He said it’s a taste issue, and also, God hates pinatas.
Which is ridiculous.
Everybody likes Now & Laters.
{ 85 comments… read them below or add one }
OMG – that was YOU??? My husband totally got off on the donuts and baby talk! Sooo – thanks? Yea, no – thanks! He was taking too long anyhow.
OK, so maybe I’m not Carrie, but I’m sure that is exactly how she would respond.
laughing…laughing…. wheezing…. laughing… laughing…. OMG I’m going to die…. “SEMEN IS EVERYWHERE”. LMAO
Brilliant in every wrong way.
(Jesus’s favorite candy is Now and Laters. I think it’s a theme with him or something.)
OMG. This is good stuff. You should turn your life into a sitcom. Seriously. Better than Seinfeld.
although, I hate Now and Laters. No chocolate or chico stick, no thank you.
Oh… wow… I haven’t laughed so hard in a long time. Thank you. I can’t imagine how that dude felt in there. How do you respond to something like that? Does it break your concentration? I bet you got him in trouble for taking too long with his wife
let me just catch my breath, because damn…..damn damn that was fucking hilarious! It is also something I would totally end up doing, talking some stupid crap to someone else’s wanking hubby by mistake!
However I’m not too sure whether God hates pinatas or not though…. did you ask him just to make sure? I mean whacking a cross with a stick doesn’t seem that bad…THERES CANDY INSIDE…that makes it ok right? Right?!
Now and laters…no way. Not everyone likes them. The only thing everyone really likes is red licorice….except you can’t really stuff those in a pinata huh? hmm…we’ll work this out! Let’s go ask God. Yeah.
OMG this is hilarious! I think the “smells like vagina” thing might have helped, but I’m pretty sure by the time you got to the crucufix pinata things had… ehm… died down
Though for me talking of chocolate always does the trick. That’s a woman thing though.
You’re in a small town, right? Any ideas who Carrie is?
I wonder if his semen crawled back up? Kind of like my pee does if someone interrupts me mid-stream?
I’m sure his whack off session went great after that! LMAO!
God definitley likes pinatas and a cross with a broomstick handle.
I’m just saying….
Wow. Now THERE’S a story for the grandkids.
omg Brit hahaaha
OMG!!! Love it!
Now – I say this with the utmost love: Seriously?!? That shit could only happen to you!
I’ll bet Carrie’s husband got not just ONE sample cup, but three!!! I’m pretty sure Jesus would have made sure that he got his for enduring what you put him through. Cause Jesus never got to have sex so I’m sure he was REALLY handy with the handjob. Which, I just realized was probably not the right thing to say because every time I mention Christ’s junk Twitter dies.
Crap.
The mental pictures running through my mind right now…LMAO!
OMG, that is the funniest thing I think I have ever heard (read). I would have died and my husband would never let me forget it. Thanks for sharing that little gem!
I hate to laugh at your misfortune… but I just got done totally laughing at your misfortune. It was done with love? But I believe that god would TOTALLY get a kick out of that pinata. For real.
That is the best story I’ve heard in a long time!
That is the funniest semen analysis story that I have EVER heard. I would totally get the Jesus pinata
Really, no words. Well, except for *high*five* on the vasectomy!
*purelling my hands from your sticky fingers*
That just made Thursday morning not so much of a pain in the ass.
Also, I think you just stumbled onto a great marketing idea…religious pinatas that you can feel good about beating with a broom stick handle….like Pontius Pilate and Judas. They would be pinatas God could totally love.
Poor guy. How do you think he explained to Carrie that he wasn’t able to produce any semen for sampling because some weirdo woman with an affinity for Jesus beating things (sorry Jesus) stood outside the room talking about cream cheese that smelled like vagina?
They’re probably getting a divorce. Nice work, Brittany.
That was some funny shit. I almost spit my coffee all over myself…
That’s freakin’ hilarious. Thanks for the laugh first thing in the morning, I almost peed myself! “Um… No?” hahahaha
Your life is like a sitcom…how do we not have a TV show?
I bet all that hawt talking really got Carrie’s husband riled up. You did a good deed, nothing to be embarrassed about.
And _I_ actually don’t like Now and Laters. Please don’t hate me.
I laughed until I cried. This was hysterical!
LMAO That is too funny.
Back when I was trying to get preggo (that never happened so I adopted) my hubby had to go do a “collection” to get tested. Well he had a problem doing it by himself and we lived too damn far in the woods to make it back with a sample still “alive”(?) so what did we do? Oh yea. We rented a trashy ass hotel room so I could “help” him get his sample. I felt like such a whore when we left 15 minutes after checking in. I swear those people were looking to see if I was a hooker. And if I was, I’d be a fucking high class one. So moral of the story, my hubby needs to learn to help himself. Or pay me. Cuz my shit don’t work for free.
Funny as hell!!! Cream Cheese = vagina, eeewww!
Hahahaha! That? BEST. ENTRY. EVER.
This cracked me up!
I’ve got a visual in my head that will not go away. It entails Jesus, a stick, a cup and cream cheese.
I am going straight to hell, I think.
Now that is an awesome story!!
As for the pinata, they make them now where you don’t have to beat the ever loving shit out of them to get the candy. You can just pull ribbons… not quite the same effect as a baseball bat, but might make the Jesus pinata idea easier to swallow.
See what I did there with the surreptitious semen jokes? “beat” “swallow”… No? Too subtle? pflbt!
OMG! Funny funny!
I don’t know if I feel more mortified for you or the jacker.
Oh, Brittany… you can make me freaking bust out laughing trying to picture you. Hilarious.
you are H-I-larious!
and it’s true. everyone loves now and laters.
Too F’ing hillarious!
I love bagels. You’re funny. Thanks for cheering me up.
OMG. That is hilarious. Classic. Priceless.
I’m laughing so hard my whole desk is shaking. Aren’t you glad he loves you and knew exactly how to handle the situation? When we were going for our IUI treatments David had to do the whole jack off in a cup thing. So we would go to the room and be sitting there with the magazines all around us and then I would get the giggles and he would just have to turn away and do his business. I couldn’t help it. I laughed every single time.
Iced coffee and sour cream donut JUST CAME OUT MY NOSE I was laughing so hard. And snorting. At work, where I’m supposed to be doing….WORK.
Thanks!
Can’t really go into the whole story (my husband took out a restraining order), but suffice to say, the last time I was in such a place things did not go well, and the song “Desperado” was involved.
I think those rooms are just made for comedy.
So freaking funny. I knew visiting you today would lift my spirits. Although it definitely put a damper on the bagel and cream cheese that I WAS planning on eating for my mid-day snack.
CLASSIC! I would have totally done the same thing. I probably would have walked in on the guy too…completely clueless! Good luck with the homework! haha…
Buhwawawahahahahahahahahahhahahahah!
Sorry, kind of… I mean, honestly, if it was me, you’d be fucking rolling on the floor trying not to pee cause you’re the mom and it’s your job to clean it up… right?
OK, now honestly, first of all, Carrie’s husband will never ever find you… unless he’s a mom blog reader, then you’re screwed. And secondly, who says God doesn’t like pinatas? Don’t they have like the most ever Jesus and Holy Mary and religious-ey sightings in Mexico and other latin countries? Yeah, it’s BECAUSE God likes pinatas, Duh, Andy! Oh, and btw, as long as you bring a Now & Later to the church and put it under the Baby Jesus statue, you’re covered for not getting a Crucifixion pinata. Jesus absolved us of blood sacrifices, there’s nothing in the Bible about not sacrificing some of your favorite flavor Now & Later’s at the altar.
You’re welcome for my spiritual wisdom. Happy Baptism.
This is amazing. Things like this just don’t happen to me. Ugh, I’m just so jealous.
THAT is awesome! The funnies thing ever. It totally sounds like something I would end up doing. Good thing you had Purell in the car!
i’m pretty sure i would bathe my children in purell after being in that room. my husband almost died when i sprayed my 2yo’s hands with clorox disinfecting spray after he got on his hands and knees in the bathroom. i’m not usually bad with germs and gross stuff but… omg, ew.
You don’t let your kids touch their junk in public? World’s. Worst. Mom.
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