I got home at midnight Monday night.
I was woozy from beer, steak, pasta salad, and cake. Lots of cake.
I couldn’t even drive myself.
I mean, I could’ve, but I had to unzip my pants and recline my seat to function properly, and I am always super afraid a truck driver is going to drive up next to me and think I am masturbating or something, and then, like, get on his radio and tell all his other trucker friends, and then a policeman would get word of it, track me down, and arrest me for driving while masturbating, even though I totally wasn’t.
I can’t masturbate at home with three kids around, I sure as shit can’t do it in the car with Finding Nemo blaring from the back seats.
Stupid trucker peeping toms.
So, in an effort to save everyone a whole lot of paperwork and bond money, I didn’t drive, and instead, unhooked my bra and my jeans and sang Journey in the passenger seat.
Anyways, when we got home, I noticed my neighbors had a For Sale sign in their yard.
First of all, YAY! They weren’t very nice to us, and I am pretty sure they were poisoning squirrels, because there were always dead ones in their front yard, and then they’d disappear by the afternoon, so they were probably eating them. Like squirrel eating vampires, only not the good (read: I would have sex with you) kind of vampires.
You know, now that I think of it, I think they were just dead squirrel eating creep faces, and not vampires at all, because they totally didn’t glitter in the sunlight or move at super human speed.
But, the down side is, um…oh my god, I totally had something in mind here, but I lost it when I started to think about vampire sex.
I totally lost my train of thought…and why is my hand in my pants?
Mmm…is someone making popcorn?
Ok, so anyways, yes. They are moving.
Thus opening the door for someone awesome to be my new neighbor.
And, here’s the thing…I am pretty much the best neighbor ever, you should totally want to live next to me.
1. You won’t be bugged by any ass face religion peddlers. I have pretty much scared the last of them away when I answer the door breastfeeding and drinking lamb’s blood. Which is also why the Schwann’s guy and frozen meat salesman don’t come ’round here anymore, either. Oh, and the scrawny boy who used to rake our leaves.
2. I will tolerate your annoying kids and your dog to your face, and only talk shit about you to my husband in the bathroom while he is trying to take a shower because I believe the shower fog cleanses me of being a huge cunt face.
3. I work from home, so if you want to, like, come hang out and eat hot pockets and watch Dr. Phil all day, I can so totally do that with minimal notice.
4. I have no communicable diseases.
5. If your house get toilet papered, I won’t help you clean it up, because I don’t like to touch it, but I will totally tell you who did it, because I am, like, the best neighborhood watcher, ever. Which is the only reason I know that my neighbor across the street is the football coach, and not some pedophile who lures muscular teenage boys over to his home for sex…as I may have previously reported.
WAIT!
I totally remembered the bad reason about why my neighbors house is for sale!
It’s for sale by owner, so I can’t get online and see what their house looks like inside or how much it’s selling for.
I knew there was something about this whole situation that pissed me off.
How can I spy on you and judge you if you don’t put pictures of how you live on the internet!?
Jesus Christ lady, you’re so two thousand and late.
I always wanted to use that phrase in a sentence (bucket list….check!).
So, in closing. Real estate gem? now available.
I highly doubt the purple wooden wishing well they have in their front yard is a permanent fixture.
Let’s just all keep an open mind about things.
Please line up to put in an offer in an orderly fashion.
Women skinnier than me, with bigger boobs, and don’t jiggle anywhere when they run, need not apply…unless you are bulimic, because then we can still totally pig out together.
{ 51 comments… read them below or add one }
Next Comments →
As I eat chips and 7 layer dip for breakfast and read this post…I think we would make the best of neighbors.
Is there a pool? Also, can you find me a job where you live? Because I’m sooo all over that shit. I’ll get my mom to send home-made oreos.
At least your neighbor didn’t yell “Fuck you GOD!” at the top of his lungs everyday at noon. Yell at my 14 year old dog. Leave Christmas decorations up year round. And film soft core porn movies in the evenings.
Worst. Neighbor. Ever.
I moved. I’m so happy now.
You know what you have to do, right? You have to hide in the bushes (or uh, behind your curtains) and preview everyone that comes to see the house. If you can’t scare off potential shitty new neighbs then I have misjudged you.
I am so totally going to look at your neighbors house. I would love to be your neighbor. I don’t have any dogs. I do have a 4 yr old daughter who NEVER. SHUTS. UP. But she is very entertaining. And today she thinks she is Spiderman. I have big boobs but only because I am a big girl. I definitely have jiggly in more places than I care to admit. And I do. not. run. EVER.
I may totally have bigger boobs then you, so I think I’m out. Plus, where you live it’s too friggin’ cold. I don’t do snow. EVER. However, you could entice me if were some sexable vampires living on the other side of said house. Sexy ones please!
Just a thought…..Our neighbors house was for sale for over a year. The couple that actually bought the house (and just moved in this weekend) got to witness my 3 year old ‘watering the front yard’.
At least they know what they’re in for.
Our kids are close enough in age to entertain eachother, so we could get totally engrossed in daytime TV…..nevermind the fact that it would be 3 boys within a 12 month range…I’m sure they wouldn’t actually burn the house down….right? And babies can totally entertain eachother, right?
I work from home too. We could totally work from home together (read: eat Hot Pockets on the couch while wearing wrestling singlets).
Neighbors AND work colleagues? Jackpot.
PS – You should put on a wig and go to their open house. By the time they figure out it’s you, you will have totally scoped the inside of the house AND probably gotten some free snacks out of it. Plus, they’re moving. Who cares if they know you just came over to spy, or eat? In fact, maybe if they think you’re crazy, they’ll lower the asking price so they can get outta there faster, making the likelihood of MY moving in even greater, cuz I’m totally broke and everything. Just a thought.
I seriously just LOLd (i HATE “LOL”) at “two thousand and late.”
Does that get me to the front of the line? Or do I have to provide snacks, too?
Dude, a purple wooden wishing well in the front?
SOLD!
OMG – I can be your neighbor! I think I fit all your criteria, and my only criteria for being a good neighbor is to have an ass, minus a stick. Your ass can even be smaller than mine, just as long as it’s stickless.
–>Email me the number and I’ll call to get the price of the house and see if they have pictures they can send of the interior.
Then you can post them on your blog and find your own neighbors plus try to get 3% commission.
http://www.websavymom.com
There may be pictures up on fsboworld.com
The ones from the people who owned my house SIX YEARS AGO are still up on there. (sigh)
Just sayin’.
Did you say Hot Pockets? I’ll be over as soon as I’m done taxidermying all these squirrel carcasses I have laying around.
There is a downside to everything. Like the downside to drinking a lot of water is having to pee all the time. Like I had to do before I finished this comment.
My neighbor has her house for sale, but she moved out… and left the door unlocked. So yeah, we went over and check it out (and by we I mean me and my neighbor friend not we, me and my husband. He would never do anything like that). Ugliest house ever. The carpet is super nasty with brown splotchy poopy looking stains. She could have at least had it steam cleaned. And she has this ugly blue metal looking wallpaper that is that really ugly shade of blue like two shades off of turquoise. And in one of the bathrooms she had remodeled and put in one of those sinks that sits on top of the counter and looks like a bowl which is way to fancy for the rest of the house… or the neighborhood. Ugh. And she is asking like twice what we paid for our house. And I totally hope she gets it because my house looks way better than hers.
I am TOTALLY convinced that your neighbors are squirrel sucking vampires! They must have depleted the local squirrel stock so they must now move to another hunting ground.
Oh, and they sound fucking weird, too.
Maybe you could put on a disguise and tour their house? Check places like Zillow.com to see if they posted any photos! (FYI: I am SUCH a neighborhood stalker.)
PS: You were recommended to me on my blog a week ago when I was struggling to find good blogs to read and I am soooooo thankful that I found you!
You can’t masturbate with your 3 kids? Hell woman, it only takes like 30 seconds with the right toy.
You need to go back to Edensfantasy and shop!
Where in Ohio is it? ‘Cause I am just outside of Cbus and would make the best neighbor ever. Just ask my neighbors! I cook and bake and give away food all the time ’cause already if I had to haul ass I’d have to make two trips…we’d totally bond.
Wow. And I was annoyed by my old neighbor who would mow my lawn so he could look in my windows.
Hell, the lawn got mowed and I felt pretty. Shuddup.
so do you think they could get in contact with my white trash neighbor that I just happen to not like AT ALL and may have just called in a complaint about their dog and tell them about how it’s a sellers market and they should totally sell their shit whole.
maybe just maybe my wish will come true. and I am pretty sure there is a place you can look up for sale by owner houses I did it because I am nosy like that! I will find the site.
yea here it is try this one out and see if they listed it on here.
http://www.forsalebyowner.com
this is how I got all nosy on the guy up the road who was flipping a house in our neighborhood!
Funny as always!
All I saw was Vampire Sex.
Britt, I really think you owe your readers a photo of the hideous wishing well because ummm who the fuck puts that stuff in their yard? Oh, your neighbors. I think the measure of your new neighbors is going to be, “will this person destroy the wishing well a la the Office Space fax machine, baseball bat style with great music playing, and in slow motion with me or not?” If the answer is no, they should NOT be your neighbor.
Oh, and email me the number, I’ll call and ask what it’s listed at.
Laugh out loud funny! My down stairs apartment neighbors have been supposedly moving for months. I got all excited when I found out, and now I’m feeling like they pulled a bait and switch on me. I’d give them a tip about your neighbor’s house being for sale, but you’re so funny I’d hate to piss you off and not be able to read your blog anymore, ’cause I’m pretty sure these aren’t the new neighbors you want. Oh well.
I would SO TOTALLY LOVE to be your neighbor! I’d be all, “Hey boys! Why don’t you go over to Auntie Brittany’s house for awhile,” and then as soon as they left I’d go shopping. That would be awesome.
for sale by owner sucks. i always call and ask to be shown around my neighbor’s houses when they go on the market. one was filled (FILLED) with I Dream of Jeanie dolls.
I would take it if they left the wishing well!
Heather’s comment about scaring off the undesirable people cracked me up, because that’s just what I did. I got all excited when my next-door neighbor (who i MAY have had a fling with and then i dumped him really quickly for his co-worker who ended up dumping me after a few months and it got all awkward and there was lots of dirty looks being shot across manicured lawns) decided to sell his house. I did everything I could to come across as a complete lunatic to all people who didn’t look like neighbors I’d want to have. Unfortunately, I still had to go to work, so several snuck through my carefully planned sabotage. One of those was the old lady hermit who ended up moving in. I was sad that it wasn’t someone more like me, but I’m really glad it’s a quiet, reclusive old lady instead of…well, like other neighbors I’ve had.
Good luck to you in hitting the New Neighbor PowerBall! Maybe you can get a new friend out of it, or at least an old person who keeps to themselves and hires a lawn service!
we are never leaving our neighborhood ever. so we have seen people com e and go and i am always stupidly naive in thinking the next new neighbors will be the perfect new neighbors. they never are. but thank god i am
I hope you find the perfect neighbors.
Check this house out for me…I want to be your neighbor.
What if a really hot guy moves in next door who works at home and happens to go outside in the summer to do yard work half naked and also goes outside topless in the winter to chop wood even though he doesn’t own a fireplace.
Omg….now Im masturbating. *drool*
My god, I never knew about the cleansing property of shower fog. I am so going to start talking about neighbors while husband is in the shower now. Thanks! You’ve made my day!
And YOU are so 3 thousand and eight. Off to check that off MY bucket list.
I am totally going to be your neighbor. Aside from having an annoying dog and only one kid I’m fat and like to pig out…that’s why I’m fat. Plus I usually have nothing nice to say about anyone so I welcome any negative commentary so no need to use a hot shower as your excuse to be a bitch. And by the way…wait until they have an open house. wear a disguise and take pictures!
I’m SO moving in. Our baby girls can grow up together! That’s if mine would hurry up and get here already. GAH! And I promise after this child and breastfeeding I will most certainly NOT have big boobs.
It’s Perfect!
When it’s time to sell our house I’ll give you a call. Maybe you can help…..or not. LOL!!!
I started reading and then you were all “masturbation” and I’m all, OMG, it’s been forever since I could do that with a munchkin and a roommate and an unemployed hubby in this itty bitty trailer and now I’m totally horny and want to have sex with myself, which may be possible because the roommate is at work and hubby got a new ps2 and the munchkin can be strapped into his stroller to contain him and… what the hell was your post about again… whatev, I’ll read it later… mommy needs a nap *winkwink*
I’m going to buy that house next to you. I hope you can deal with a young, gay bachelor. F’realz.
I’m totally coming over to steal the sign…..
I have the worst “Sanford and Sons” neighbors and would be the happiest girl ever if they’d move. Thanks for the fantasy!
I am getting closer and closer to asking you on a date. I’m not even kidding.
Shauna Glenn got me hooked on you and now I just can’t stop. You are fantastic. Keep it coming.
You are just plain awesome, and I’m not even a chick.
They should totally have hand job machines at the health clubs, for men and for women. No weight, because gripping tightly is not recommended. Just more repetitive stress resistance training, developing long, ropy, endurance muscles.
You should start a new line of gyms based around the way people really live!
You know what I love? Typing my comment for a post of yours on the wrong page, so I look even stranger than normal. I’ll just go ahead and paste that over here after I tell you that we’re in the market for a house right now, and we’d love to be your neighbor, but living 2 hours from my parents/friends/etc. is traumatic enough for them and us. But this is the way it is apparently destined to be.
I tried to explain my confusing (misplaced) comment above, but it’s not showing up here, and when I just tried to post it again, it talked to me like a spammer. And I cried. Brittany, make it say sorry!!
Yeah, dammit, it really is ignoring my comment and then telling me I already posted it. Well, I’ll be trying it again, in disguise, so here goes:
———-
You know what I love? Typing my comment for a post of yours on the wrong page, so I look even stranger than normal. I’ll just go ahead and paste that over here after I tell you that we’re in the market for a house right now, and we’d love to be your neighbor, but living 2 hours from my parents/friends/etc. is traumatic enough for them and us. But this is the way it is apparently destined to be.
Dammit.
Anyway, I typed my comment on the wrong page– it was meant for the hand job fatigue/nutritionist one, where I pasted it in by now. It’s like Blogger is determined to make sure I have no recourse but to look ridiculous.
I almost forgot to say what I actually had wanted to say about THIS post…
We’re in the market for a house right now, and we’d love to be your neighbor, but living 2 hours from my parents/friends/etc. is traumatic enough for them and us. But this is the way it is apparently destined to be.
Is it alright if, to give you the full experience, we pay some people to park in front of your house when there’s a perfectly good space in front of my house, and play music/talk too loudly pretty frequently? Also steal your newspaper and/or toys you leave out on the lawn (FYI, your driveway is part of your lawn, and cars are considered toys).
Next Comments →
{ 1 trackback }