OK, so you know what’s hard?
Catching semen in a cup.
You know what’s harder?
Getting the semen to come out in the first place.
I mean, there are restrictions about, like, preserving the sterility of the sperm…I don’t know, it was fucking insane.
I would go into more detail, but then my dad would vomit and fire me off a nasty email about how I am making my grandma’s soul die.
Let’s just say, you can’t use your mouth, and I haven’t been able to lift anything with my right arm for two days.
I mean, who’s too out of shape for a hand job (read: fucking, me.)?
So, when I woke up this morning and couldn’t successfully open the Nutella jar because my husband’s wiener destroyed my biceps, I knew I finally had to head on over to the gym I joined two weeks ago, but never actually went to.
Side note: Looking for motivation to join a gym? Put on your favorite outfit, the one you think you look so super hot in, and then have your husband take a picture of you from the back. Pull the picture up on the biggest monitor you have, think for a second it must just have been a weird angle, admit to yourself it wasn’t and that you totally really look like Hagrid from the back, go into the bathroom, have a good cry, then join a gym. You’re welcome.
So, the gym.
Yes.
First of all, the only reason I even joined this particular gym is because A. It’s located in a rehab center, so I would be the hottest one there amongst the handicapped and those grossly maimed from some horrific accident. And, 2. because they served the good kind of bagels.
So, today, the day I had to put a jar of Nutella back on the shelf because I wasn’t physically recovered enough from some masturbatory antics two days ago, was the day I knew I had to grab my tennis shoes and a maxi pad, and head to the gym.
So I did.
And I totally had a plan.
Run in, do the elliptical for 30ish minutes, avoid any exercise equipment that faces a gigantic wall mirror, grab a bagel and go.
But, noooooo.
Along with my ungodly monthly fee, comes a complimentary consult with a real life personal trainer, who plans to weigh me, check my body mass, and circle my masses of fat with a thick black sharpie before I rip her beating heart from her chest, wrap it in bacon and eat it.
It’s as unpleasant as it sounds.
I was all, you know what, I am just here to dick around on equipment a bit, I don’t need the evaluation, and she was all, but it’s free, but in this totally bitchy tone, that, like, only women who can wear sports bras as shirts use. So, I was like, listen, I don’t want to be weighed and poked at, and she’s like, oh whatever, you’re fine, you just had a baby, no expects you to be skinny…and then I ate her face off.
Ugh.
So, I got on the scale, and I swear to God her eyes got wide, and I was all, um…I have two bras on and a roll of quarters in each shoe, and my shorts are a heavy cotton, plus I’m breast feeding, so my boobs are full of, like, 6-10 pounds of milk.
And she’s like, do you want me to come up with a nutrition guide to help you lose weight, and I was like, does it include Pepsi and twice baked potatoes? And, she laughs and is all, um…no. So I was like, then….no.
Then I farted in her office, shut the door, got on the elliptical for 30ish minutes, grabbed a bagel and drove home.
And, I totally feel skinnier already!
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Am I the first to comment on this? Wow, I feel honored. Frickin’ hillarious!
This made me laugh so much, I have tears in my eyes! Thank you, I was in a pissy mood and this totally cheered me up. You are so funny!!
God love you.
Haha. I love that you farted in her office. Priceless.
Must you really mention Hagrid?
I am crying big alligator tears at the mo. I think I am gonna eat a jar of Nutella now and then force-vomit it. That’s my plan and no one’s gonna stop me. Bah ha ha.
Dude that totally made me laugh. Ugh I love the gym, I actually get soo much stress out and it’s free time for me. I did that free consultant thing and OMG he freaking killed me, if I had had a bitchy woman I would soo have gone off on her. Sometimes getting that fart out makes you feel soo much thinner
Oh and thanks, now I must go and eat some Nutella sitting in my cupboard, hmmmm Nutella ***drooollls thinking about it***
Just found your site love it.I have had such a great time reading alot of your old stuff along with the current.Very funny stuff.Thanks for the laughter I really needed it.
Don’t you know? Personal trainers are negative calories! Like celery! You could have totally eaten her face and lost like, 3 or 4 pounds just from having to chew that bitch!
Great post! I spewed my coffee..again! You so owe me a new keyboard…
Ha. Oh my gosh. Hagrid from behind. And a heart wrapped in bacon. Your posts rock.
You go girl!
SHUT UP. Seriously. I can hardly breathe.
I HATE doing those personal trainer deals… ugh. Like you’re not already your own worst enemy…
Handjobs! It must have taken forever without your mouth. haha. And Your grandma’s soul is fine, I’m sure she had given out a few handjobs in her day. Is that RIDICULOUS to post? Oh dear. Don’t hit me.
At least at the YMCA the personal trainer didn’t weigh me. I can work the scale just fine on my own, thank you!
So, does your dad really read your blog? Do you want him to keep reading you blog? I’m guessing no… I mean… I didn’t keep track or anything, but you totally talked about whacking off your husband at least 77 times. You are teh awesome! When I grow up, I want to be you! (Except I would drink Diet Coke. Pepsi is nasty, yo!)
for starters…Hagrid is totally hot in a ‘Im a giant’ kind of way.
Secondly…your monitor is totally lifesize and widescreen – totally throws everything out of proportion. You are hot bananas.
Thirdly…GG starts up in 4 days *swoon*
Speaking of working out – want to grab some sushi soon?
My BFF and I have been following your blog for sometime now….and never are dissapointed. Many all out laughing till we pee moments. Which is very appropriate at the office of a Fourtune 500 company…(snort).. It is great to come across someone who thinks like we do.!!!! You ROCK!!!
Those bitches who wear sports bras as shirts should be forced to eat at least 3 foods from thisiswhyyourefat.com on a daily basis until their stomach fat roll meets their boobs.
“you totally really look like Hagrid from the back”
This is the best line. You are 100% correct, I don’t feel fat, (though I know I am), until I see a picture. Then, it’s like, who the hell is that moose in the picture where I am suppose to be?
Yup, every time I see a picture I want to hit the gym. The feeling eventually passes allowing me to continue to read the funniest blog I have ever had the pleasure of reading. (yes, you)
Britty B….
You’re a DOLL. seriously. I just LMFAO here @ my desk…..LOVE, LOVE, LOVE your blog!!!!
XOXO
HAHAHAHAHA! That could quite possibly be the best closing lines to a post ever written.
I’m so glad you farted in her office.
And this just totally never made me want to join a gym of any kind. They WEIGHED you. That is so unfair. You should never have to weigh anywhere that it isn’t ok to cry.
I laughed so hard- thank god you stuck with your plan- don’t let that bitch bring you down!
–>Hysterical. I operate under the premise of Avoid Injury; Don’t Exercise.
http://www.websavymom.com/
“Does it include pepsi and twice baked potatos?” Oh god, I laughed out loud. Loved this post!!!
Nothing quite as delicious as personal trainer heart wrapped in bacon.
By the way, it totally helps to read the Twilight books while on the elliptical. Somehow it feels less like exercise and more like masturbating.
you farted in her office and shut the door!
hahahha
hahahaha
hahaha
I needed a good laugh today!
LOL at the personal trainer treatment. I hate them! They are always bony, and insist if you just follow thier 600 calories a day and 2 hrs in the gym regimine, you too can drop 50lbs in five months! I just looked at the one I went to and said, “Lady–if I make it in here for THIRTY MINUTES twice a week I’m excited. I don’t have that kind of free time, or else I’d look like you!”
She made a cranky face and stomped off. Great job sticking to your plan!!
Don’t ever, ever let those trainers bum you out. You’re awesome. And really, really funny. This blog always cheers me up.
This weblog is being featured on Five Star Friday –
http://www.fivestarfriday.com/2009/09/five-star-fridays-edition-70.html
It is a known fact that you don’t gain weight if you eat standing up. And if you eat directly out of the fridge, you are expending energy (think: reach, bend, reach) and will lose weight.
I am not sure about giving a hand job while eating directly out of the fridge, though. That might just turn you into an Olsend twin.
Girl, you had me at semen! I just found your blog today and without a doubt I immediately added you to my rss feed. Brilliant plan to let a little flatus expel from your anus. The job of a true pro!
This was a really funny one, esp. the Hagrid line.
As for the personal trainer, don’t let her get you down. I got my personal trainer certification while I was in culinary school, and it was easy, and I’m still in no way qualified to be judging anyone, since I still have visible belly, and call certain exercises “the tricep thingies.” I can tell you that her weigh-in was designed to make you buy training, via making you feel fat and desperate. AND I can tell you that the weigh in ends up being valuable because it gives you a reference point on how much change you’ve made on your own.
Don’t let the trainer thing and initial sales push put you off of the gym. Just be firm with the “No,” continue the farts, and enjoy your time away from the kids.
And I still think you’re hott (and so does your husband, given the frequency with which he impregnates you).
P.S. Handjobs are total bullshit, they take forever, and why should I do something they can do better themselves? I’ve found a good compromise is to let them do it themselves and finish on your chest. It requires no effort on your part, and you can read a magazine or something while the hard work is being done, and they’re still really grateful.
I can’t believe you admitted to farting. You’re SO much more evolved than me. I’ve never even told my HUSBAND that I occasionally, you know, do that! All I have to say is, thank God for dogs and kids. And boy, are they gassy!
Love it. Thanks for sticking it to the man….or woman…or woman hating food types. Whatever.
Oh. And I finally fixed my link. GAH! How embarassing!
Oh. Em. Gee.
I am already in a really questionable I-didn’t-sleep-much silly kind of mood but that post really tipped the scales in to near hysterical laugh-crying!
If I were you, I would’ve kicked that chick in her nuts and force fed her carbs until she had love handles the size of, well, mine. But eating her face off would work too.
I joined 24 hour fitness last month and had the same experience, but it was a guy. 26ish and a newly wed. And after the humiliation of getting on a scale in front of this muscled man-child, I was an easy target for the “we’re having a sale on personal training packages…buy 10 get 1 free.” So I now get to pay to be hurt and humiliated twice a week, and when we did the “one month goal check” (a/k/a second weigh in, measurement torture session), I had gained 7 pounds. Next time I’m just going to light my cash on fire on my way to the donut store.
Another good motivational tool is to try on all 12 pairs of your jeans and discover that you can only technically fit into 4 of them. And only 1 of them comfortably.
That works too.
We were too embarrassed to bring in the specimen after the vasectomy so we threw it out the window and went to Sonic for a coney. I guess after 5 years of not getting pregnant, it took.
Honest if I could quit laughing I might be able to write a coherent response. That was great. I am jealous of your hubby. I got no help. NONE. Just a ride home from the “steely doc” and some frozen peas. Curses…
Woman,
A hand job without spit takes for-evah! It’s like the Olympics for the slow jack match.
You obviously won a gold medal.
I’m so glad you farted on that skinny bitch.
1st of all- How did you even get your husband to do the GOD-DAMN sample. My husband has refused, so three years after the vasectomy I’m still scared to DEATH that I could get knocked-up.
2nd of all- It’s always good to fart right before you leave the room!
Freaking hilarious. Glad I found you!
Just found your blog on MommyBlogs.com and added you to my favorites. After a crappy week like the one I just had I needed a good laugh. You gave it to me and then some. This weekend i may just read your older posts.
You are my hero! It sounds like a great first workout.
I so wish I could “fart” on command (or burp when needed too)
eating her heart wrapped in bacon! love you! wearing a bra as a shirt, omg!!!!! could you please write stuff like this 24 hrs a day? my day looks already better thanks to you!
Just so you know, I’m thin and I still want to go all stabby joe on people that “love the gym” and working out. Shut up with your endorphins and protien shakes already!
Screw getting a gym membership haha I got wii fit so the only person who’d have to watch my fat-ass attempt to exercise would be my kids. However when the animated balance board tells you you’re fat is a little depressing
Bagels would’ve got me in there, but I’d have managed to accidentally elbowed Bitchitha the trainer in the kidneys before I left. Then I would have told her that it only hurt so bad that she was crawling on the floor because she doesn’t eat twice baked potatoes which were sent down from Heaven and so she is most likely a minion of the Devil, making it my Christian-warrior duty to make her piss blood. Then I’d get on the elliptical and meow loudly every 7 minutes or so and look at Bitchitha the demon like, “woman, you’re lucky you’re still breathing” cause then I know it would get around the gym and all those skinny snappers would be scared to death to even look at my Hagrid-ey self with their condescending grapefruit on a toothpick misshapen big-headed bodies. Then, I’d go home and tell Hubby the next time he wants hands only, I’ll watch and make moaning noises, but he’s totally doing the arm-work.
Seriously the funniest shit ever! Don’t worry about that consult, just make that gym time about you and not the kids. The only reason I ever go tot he gym is because they have free daycare.
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