I’m not a breast feeder.
Not in the traditional sense.
I mean, I’ve had shit licked off my boobs before, but not, like, a whole meal.
You know those women, who sit upon their suckled pedestals, passing judgment on formula feeding women, organizing breastfeeding sit-ins when their right to nurse in public has been violated?
I’ve never been one of them. As long as babies are being fed acceptable things, and not, say…anal lube or gasoline, I feel pretty ok about it.
My first baby, I swore I would breastfeed, and I did, for about four weeks, upon which I found out I was pregnant again, and had to stop so that my body wouldn’t implode. The second one, I was also going to nurse, but with two kids under the age of one, things were hectic, the body count was growing, and I gave up after a month. So, my breast milk track record? Not so good.
And yet, here I am, four and a half months later…lactating.
SEE! Nummy baby needs milky. TOES! Look at her yummy yummy toes!
I mean, what the fuck, people. Four months?
I don’t stick with anything for four months.
But, I have. My ass is the size of China. I have done nothing but sit on the couch with my boob out. For four months.
Until Sunday, when she’s all fuck this when I put my nipple in her mouth.
Who does that?
I am pretty sure even Neil Patrick Harris wouldn’t turn down a nipple in his mouth, especially one that is essentially, like, a never ending keg of warm unpasteurized milk.
So, all week, my gorgeous, tiny little Gigi has been meh about my gift of motherly nourishment.
She’s pretty much the most ungrateful baby on the planet.
But, I shouldn’t care, right?
I don’t define my motherhood by my ability to spontaneously shoot milk into the mouths of babes.
So, why am I sitting in the bathtub, eating rope licorice dipped in hot wing sauce, and drinking a tumbler of wine between snotty, ugly sobs?
Ahhh….I know.
She’s the last one.
Gigi is my youth and her fascination with me is fleeting.
There will be no more.
My womb will become a dusty, empty cave where 0-3 month onsies go to die.
I am going to blink, and my boobs will be deflated sacks of oldness.
And there is nothing fun about those funbags.
{ 53 comments… read them below or add one }
At least breastfeeding can’t keep you from drinking all the wine you want!
Is it wrong of me to laugh at your pain? Cuz I kinda am… but I laugh out of love! Brilliant post… and I’m sure that Gigi will give you a pity suck every now and then
I hear you. Loud. Clear. Through all your snotty, soggy cries. I made it to 4 months and baby #3 was all like, “Hey, I don’t want to look at your tit anymore, I want to look over HERE, and HERE, and THERE….” As he craned his head away from my nice ripe boob, I started to weep a bit (though not whilst sucking on wing sauce-laced licorice). Baby #3. [sigh]
I’m damn jealous of those itty bitty girly toes though! I only know boy toes, and they are not seeming as cute right now!
I know just how you feel. My little girl weaned herself at 10 months and I was like “NO! I get to decide when you stop! You have 2 more months left!”
I also have been dying to tell someone this: this past weekend, I saw a woman breastfeeding a 3 1/2 year old girl who is bigger than my 5 year old. It was just WRONG, wrong I tell you!
Too funny. I know how you feel. I had a hard time giving it up, and I’m only on baby #1! Not a fan of those deflated boobs afterward though.
Once again you have made me laugh (out loud), but then you went and pulled on my heartstrings. Even though I enjoyed the quiet time with her, I could not wait until I was no longer the milk machine. When it happened though, it made me sad. Like you, she is my last. There are times when I think one more would be ok. Then reality slaps some sense into me with all 3 of them whining and crying about something. So I try to enjoy them now, because they grow up too fast.
You could always go into the fetish business. I mean, businessmen in adult diapers aren’t quite as cute, but they’ll pay well.
I know EXACTLY how you feel. I breastfeed my first two and when they weaned themselves I was pretty grateful, but with my third.. when he was ready to wean himself off at 9 months I was quite upset and couldn’t figure out why until one day I realized, like you, that he was my last.. my baby, who didn’t want to be a baby anymore.
Oddly enough though, my boobs didn’t deflate, they just sagged even more from the weight.. so sad!
It’s always best to quit before they start biting and that’s clearly what she was devising to do in this picture.
“My womb will become a dusty, empty cave where 0-3 month onsies go to die.”
Seriously. You will live in in infamy. (sp?) That’s a good thing…. right?
Firstly, I CANNOT believe that I’ve only just found you. I am head over heels in LOVE and it’s only been a few months. I saw you at BlogHer and recognized your name, and thought to myself, “Hmmm, why haven’t I checked out her site?” and so here I am…
I am kicking my own ass for not being here sooner because Sweet baby Jeebus I LOVE YOU.
Ahem.
As you were.
GEtting my boobs back was hard for me too, but, I’m so thankful I’ll never have to do any of it again! I welcome the cobwebs and scary cave monsters that will take up residence “in utero”. Sure it’s a little sad, but… verses the seizures I get when I think about having another? I can handle a li’l sadness here and there!
This is my 3rd and last baby also and I’ve been breastfeeding her for going on 14 months now, with no signs anywhere that she is wanting to stop. But me? I am SO done with it all.
Tell me about it. I had my last OB appointment yesterday. And my last NST. And today is my last Wednesday ever of being pregnant. And tomorrow is my last Thursday. And Friay is my last u/s.
I’m a sobby mess:(
well i just love this. at 2 months my daughter is starting to become more than pissed off at my tits. sad stuff.
I’m on baby number three, too. Last baby. And she has begun to bite. And my tears aren’t far away.
But, you will get through it. And I will get through it. And we will be old and dried out. And our babies will still love us.
When I worked in the hospital nursery, we used to call those live- and-breathe-breastfeeding-or-die individuals as “Nipple Nazi’s.”
I was a mess when I weaned my daughter years ago. Emotionally and physically…with leakage like you wouldn’t believe.
–>Are there still such professions as Wet Nurses anymore?
http://www.websavymom.com
awww, its hard but think of it this way. No more breast pumping when you are away from your baby.
Oh God… it is sad, isn’t, it? I have no idea if we’ll have any more children, (but if you ask my husband he’ll say he is absolutely NOT having any more, because he’s happy with two and because I can’t even handle the two we have…) anyway… so yeah, it’s the closing of a very important part of our lives… regardless of how long we did it for. It’s tough. I breastfed each child for 6 months, and when I stopped, it was sad. Great post… still as funny as ever.
I don’t have kids, and I really never think I will want them. But after hearing that my womb may be a place for onsies to die….I started to rethink my previous decision! And funbags? OMG – I died laughing!
I was not a breastfeedrer and didn’t even have the slightest pang of guilt or remorse about my decision. Some women seem to be more concerned if their panty lines are showing than if their boob is being pulled out by a 3 year old . Please – guilty, schmilty.
God, I love NPH. And don’t worry about getting old. I think we’re the same age, and I haven’t even begun breeding. It just means that you got it out of the way early, so your body has the collagen to bounce back from it. Once I get knocked up? Goodbye tautness.
Awwww. I’m sorry. It is hard to give up all those little things with the last one. That is why my 17month old is still chugging on a bottle (totally, that’s really why).
She is a doll.
aww darlin’ one. I’m sorry.
Mind of her own.. screw what anyone else wants… what? 
hee hee
I’m gonna come out and say it: GIGI IS SO YOUR CHILD.
I love you.
This is sooooo great! I tried bf-ing with our first and did not like it. One day, while my Mom was sitting with me at my house and I was yet again struggling to get my daughter to latch on, Mom, who never bf’d but supportive, here, trying to make polite conversation, it hit me! Once I stopped, I could have beer, wine, fill my body with all the crap food I wanted – I could have MY body back!!! I looked at my Mom and said, ” Will you go to the store and get me some bottles, formula and a 6 of Bud lite? At first she stared in stunned silence, trying to comprehend what I was saying and said, “A 6 for each of us?” I knew everything would be alright! Bf-ing is not for everyone. The sooner we realize it, the better =)
I know exactly how you feel. When I stopped breastfeeding my 4th and final child I was so sad. I knew that was the end of the milky way. Forever.
And also? Couldn’t you have picked a sexier homosexual than Neil Patrick Harris?
I produced milk until almost 3 years after I had weened my last child. Would have made quiet the wet nurse back in the day LOL
wow. remarkably depressing. in a funny way of course. but now i think i’m feeling a little eeyoreish.
Alexa is the same way these days…and that’s why she nurses MUCH better when she’s tired (or even asleep).
I was a mess when my one-year-old weaned a few months ago, but I am pretty happy to be done with those awkward, my-boob-is-exposed-in-public moments. For now at least. I find my self daydreaming about having just one more little one before I hang up the old nursing bras for good.
She could be teething? “It’s not my nipples; it’s her gums” could be the title of this post.
I am sitting in a mixture of laughing and crying for you! First, 4 months is so brilliant. Be proud you both have stuck with it for 4 months. I know it’s hard when they decide to stop the feeding, especially when they get all embarrassed of the fact that everyone is watching them suck on your boob…suddenly they get a flash of dignity (which is fucking insane considering we lose all dignity for them…..they are so ungrateful)
I wanna hug you and come over with more wine so we can get drunk and sob about this together! Oh and also convince your baby that YOU are not done breastfeeding yet…cos you know, you have to milk this for as long as you need. But we have to convince her drunk cos, that gives you another blog entry tomorrow
I, too, am nursing a 4 mo. old…I was laughing so hard by the end of your post…I was crying. Thank you for the laugh of the day.
Dude, you got pregnant FOUR WEEKS after giving birth? Holy shit! I didn’t think you were ALLOWED to have sex for at least six!
Babies are so damn ungrateful sometimes. Next thing you know she will totally shit herself and expect you to clean it up.
You could always just keep pumping so that your boobs don’t become deflated funbags of unfun….
Just sayin.
But would it be okay if babies were fed flavoured, edible anal lube? I mean, isn’t that what it’s there for?
Out of the tube, of course. Had to clarify that.
Abby had become real uninterested in my boobs and had decided the bottle thing was faster and she could get away and on with her business so I decided it was time, I fed her and cried and put her to bed. BUT then she woke up the next AM and those feedings were always so sweet and I couldn’t stand it so I did it again, and cried again. the hubs told me to suck it up and stop being crazy. I felt the same way as you she was it, I would never do it again and I should have been happy to have them back but I wasn’t.
I fucking love you. Both my boys ended up rejecting me, so I totally get where you’re coming from. They’re such little assholes.
Maybe Gigi made a pact with that other asshole baby…you know, so he wouldn’t be the lone asshole? It’s possible.
honestly I’m just wondering how she looks so tiny in her bumbo…I mean C’s legs get STUCK in his, I have to pry him out. I have a HUGE baby!
so my little one is six months and has a tooth coming in. a tooth. on my boob. let me just say – ouch! whoever came up with the idea of putting teeth on breastfeeding babies must be some kind of sadist. I keep trying to tell her not to bite the boob that feeds her, but she just giggles and bats her eyes at me.
I only agreed to TRY breastfeeding because of the overwhelming push to do so (from my husband – who has NO IDEA what it’s like to have someone bite your nipple and draw blood) but after it turned out to be something that I found I was okay with, the kids decided that they were done with me. The nerve. After all I’d put myself through for them. Traded in for a latex nipple on the end of a plastic bottle.
I feel your pain. I also share the useless sacs of depleted nothingness. I look like a milk cow gone dry.
But think of it this way… all the rope licorice dipped in wing sauce that you want. And booze.
So are you done with it already then? Wow, lucky you. I mean, she got the best stuff anyway already… ; )
I can’t get over what you ate while in the bathtub. Sure you aren’t preggo AGAIN???? *snort*
You can have another adult help you keep up the lactating for your own mutual pleasure if you want. It doesn’t even have to be a stranger from the bus station either. A husband can often do the job quite nicely.
I’m just saying…
Aw I’m sorry you’re feeling sad about this, Brittany. But Gigi looks awfully cute in that pink bumbo. xo
Brittany, i got stuck on the you were pregnant at 4 weeks. Are you fucking kidding? So you had sex at like 1 hour post delivery?
You horn ball.
trisha
momdot.com
Mine went four months as well, but that was mostly because I was not so good at producing the milk, she had enough and went in strike. It broke my heart, but then I had some wine and it was better.