So, I was going to tell you all about how I had this brilliant idea and have now begun to only pay for things with Hong Kong dollars, because it is both genius and the most hilarious thing ever, even though my husband doesn’t find it funny at all, and has stopped going through the Taco Bell drive through with me.
But…
Ok, here’s the thing. Everyone on the news says the economy is better, because the rich folks on Wall Street aren’t losing their richness anymore, but for the peeps in my town, it’s still super bad. I mean, I am pretty sure the monthly job loss numbers on the news are only going down because everyone lost their job already months ago. So instead of working, we are all at home, laid off, with no American dollars to buy things with, watching the important people on the news tell us that even though things totally suck for us personally, we need to chill, because for everyone who is not you, it’s getting better.
Enter, the Hong Kong dollar.
China is so way more economically stronger than us right now, so who better to get currency from, than China.
I know, right?!
Let me preface this with, pretty much zero local news stations wanted to pick up my story, which leads me to believe they are all secretly being funneled rich people money and those gigantic bars of Toblerone that you can only find at the airport gift shop from the Republicans.
And also…I have yet to find anyone who will accept the Hong Kong dollar as payment, not even that little prick of an 8 year old who always offers to wash my car for some ridiculous fee. I mean, he is like the Donald Trump of neighborhood car washing. But, what can I do, ya know? I don’t like to touch bird poop. Not even with a sponge.
Who else won’t accept Hong Kong dollars? My student loan people. I mean, considering I have no other type of dollars to pay them for the ridiculous loans I have for attending Solid Gold Bar University, you would think they would be happy to get anything from me. No. They are not. They want either my beating heart on a platter or a fist full of American dollars. I have neither.
So, I sent them an envelope of Hong Kong dollars, and here is the kicker, I even overpaid them.
And they called me yesterday, and they were all, um I think there is a problem with your account,and I was like, did you not get my payment? And they were like, um, we got the payment stub where you wrote that you were paying off the loan with 289,000 Hong Kong dollars? And I said, yes, is there a problem with the conversion rate, I thought I had calculated it correctly, and they were like, we don’t know what Hong Kong dollars are, so I was like, did I not include them in the envelope? And, the guy is like, um, the envelope is full of Chinese take out receipts with rainbows drawn on them and a fully punched Cold Stone card. And I was like, dude, that’s not a rainbow, it’s the Great Wall of China, and he was like, yeah, just because you draw pictures and dollar signs on things, doesn’t make them currency.
So, I got pissed and told him I had to go, and that I was totally writing Obama about this.
And I did. I mean, I didn’t mention the Hong Kong dollars, but I told them how lots of people couldn’t pay their student loans anymore, and our forbearances ran out, and things are defaulting, and the student loan collectors are fucking Nazis, and he should totally help all us poor saps out, but I have yet to get a response on that.
Um yeah, pick that story up MSNBC.
Soooo anyways….wait!
I just realized I wasn’t even going to tell you all that story because, um, I HAVEN’T EVEN BEEN TO BED YET.
Because the gorgeous little baby who used to sleep the entire night through, that I was afraid to brag about out loud for fear of jinxing it, has decided to stop doing so all together.
Jinxes! JINXES HAVE BEEN HAD.
I spent the entire night rocking her in my bedroom watching subtitled marathons of The Nanny.
I think my brain is dead.
And then, the boys got up, and we all decided to come downstairs to watch the Disney channel until Andy wakes up and I follow him around the house flipping him off until he asks me what the fuck my problem is, and I can be all, I HAVEN’T SLEPT YET, and I am pretty sure our daughter is a vampire.
However, I am too tired to discuss the ramifications of that with you at this time, take the baby and wake me up when The Price is Right is on.
__________
Other places I am this week? Reliving an oldie but goodie on Aiming Low, and being interviewed by the ridculously good looking Loukia on Lou Lou Reviews.
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Student loans suck.
My baby is protesting her crib confinement too. Although she will sleep in the swing so I’ll just shut up now.
Baby vampire? I ain’t even going there you sparkly-skin wannabe.
Sweet! Maybe you can buy her a sparkly diamond up paci with some Vampire Bucks….since the Hong Kong Currency didn’t work out an all.
I hope you get some sleep, like real soon. Because if you baby is a vampire you are going to need your rest to fend her off once she is mobile, because you know that those baby vampires totally suck your blood when you aren’t looking.
I would vote for you to be president of the continent. And gladly pay others to vote for you too with Hong Kong dollars. I have a zillion Chinese take out receipts, so it’s like I am sitting on a mint.
And for a fully punched Cold Stone card, I would have written off your loans completely. Sallie Mae should totally hire me.
Hope you get some sleep soon.
My baby has turned vampire too, which is fine, because now I can blame actual lack of sleep for my bitchiness and not just lack of Oreos in the pantry.
You crack me up.
Student loan people are the worst. I put my one (yes, just ONE of many) onto forebarance last year because I couldn’t afford the $800 payment for ONE loan… and I just checked what the rate has gone up to for this november… $1700.00 a month. YEP. One-thousand and seven hundred dollars a month!! And they WON’T lower it! Yeah, um, I’m not gonna be able to pay that. Thanks.
My 14 month old not-really-still-a-baby baby won’t sleep either. But I don’t think she’s a vampire. I just think she’s mean.
Student loans blow. You better have a margaria now.
The “important people” have been paying for their fancy shit with unicorns, puppies and imaginary money since the dawn of time, so WTF is their problem with us poor people using Hong Kong dollars!
Send Gigi to me, my bebe is coming out on Tuesday, I won’t be sleeping anyways. They can stay up and entertain (try to out scream) eachother!
No I’m pretty sure currency operates under the same rule as hats. If you put something on your head it is automatically a hat, so if you draw dollar signs on something it is automatically money. No? Yes!
Also, the upside of subtitled episodes of The Nanny is that you dont have to hear Fran Drescher…so thats a win. Silver lining and all that jazz.
We use Hong Kong dollars in Canada. And Canadian Tire money.
We like options.
I bought some Iraqi Dinars off a dude on the internet! I am going to be Rich, Rich, Rich!
That line about Toblerone chocolate just cracked me right up – because it’s SO TRUE!!!
It makes me all kinds of glad that I didn’t go to college long enough to accrue debt. Being a SAHM doesn’t require education past kindergarten anyway. Nobody ever tells you how to keep kids from fighting or that babies can poop straight up their backs anyway.
ohmygod. I think I just died a little.
you crack me up!
Found you through Notes from the Grove. I think I’ll keep you! haha
I know, I tried that with our electric bill, but they wouldn’t take them either. And I feel for you with your vampiric
yes I made that word up, stop judging me cause with all the twilight shit it’ll totally catch on. You’re welcome.daughter, my son is not vampiric, he’s just been sick so we let him sleep in our bed for like two nights, and now he thinks he owns the damn thing. Good luck getting sleep, but um, why do you want to get up to see Drew Carrey’s wtf-are-you-thinking-because-you’re-married-now-you-can-look-like-shit-like-a-sahm-hairdo? Unless it’s so you can cap on said hairdo, then I’m totally with ya.Dude, that sucks that you have a vampire for a daughter….
Freaking hilarious you are.
Thanks for the hilarity!
it’s not a rainbow it’s the Great Wall of China has me laughing out LOUD!!! And I’m pretty sure it’s going to make me laugh randomly for the rest of the day!
“I mean, I am pretty sure the monthly job loss numbers on the news are only going down because everyone lost their job already months ago. So instead of working, we are all at home, laid off, with no American dollars to buy things with, watching the important people on the news tell us that even though things totally suck for us personally, we need to chill, because for everyone who is not you, it’s getting better.”
This cracks my shit up. In fact, I read it a couple of hours ago and it’s still making me laugh.
I’m reminded of the day I was traumatized by my international political economy professor when he told us China owns a shit ton of US dollars and if they decided to dump our shit for, say, euro shit (cuz, you know, it’s worth more), we would be up shit’s creek. So US and China can shake fists at each other all they want when policies get panties in a twist, but at the end of the day, money kind of holds us hostage. All that, and now we can’t even friggen use Hong Kong dollars! Not even the ones with Great Wall rainbows? Pshaw, I say.
I think I snorted on the description of the currency.
The great wall is a bitch to draw w/ crayons.
You write such great blogs.. My blog is all pissy now wanting to know why I can’t write like you do. I too remember the vampire days of both my kids,up all night while wifey slept soundly.
When I was 16 I got conned into one of those “Get to be what you want to be…” trade schools. They signed me up for about $5,000 in student loans and then handed me a tool-box and told me I was an electronics engineer, even though I’d never seen an electron and my only project had actually exploded the first time I plugged it in. (I’m a lot better now, things I plug in hardly ever explode)
For 10 years after the school went bankrupt with me still in it I didn’t hear SHIT from the student loan people. Then after 10 years had gone by (and the law making student loans non-dischargable in bankruptcy was passed) they sent me my first collection letter.
For almost $12,000. Because of course peanalties had acrued, etc, etc.
Now 10 years later I *STILL* won’t pay them, on principal. They can’t report it on my credit report since it’s over 7 years old, and the only thing they can do is attach my tax refund, (I’m a business owner, haven’t gotten a tax refund in..well..forever)
Fuck them. They’re evil.
And it is getting better. But slowly, and from the top down.
Baby vampires. Wow. That explains SO much about why I was up at 2am last night too, with the 11 month old who decided sleep is for suckers. He must be a vampire too!
Oh, I just loooove that you verbalize the daily shit-storm we all experience. I went to my annual girly check up and the doctor pulled a 15 inch long hair from somewhere down there (I do have long hair…. on my head, which apparently, assisted by the force of gravity, ended up winding itself up and hiding in the darkness unnoticed…. by me). As the doctor eyeballed me over the paper towel sheet all I could think was “this would be so funny if it happened to the Barefoot Foodie”….. So, thanks, I guess!!!
OMG, I am laughing my ass off right now. I hate the Sallie Mae assholes who own the rights to my student loans. They call me 8 times a day, minimum. I’ve told them repeatedly that I have no money to pay them. That I have no job and that unemployment isn’t even enough to ensure we keep a roof over our head and food on the table. Not to mention the utility bills and ciggarettes. And yeah, I totally put ciggarettes above the freaking student loan jerks because if I didn’t have them I might actually end up killing those customer service reps, then I’d go to prision, and I’m also pretty sure that you don’t get to continue to collect unemployment while you’re in prision. So yeah, ciggarettes are a neccessity in my book. I don’t even answer them anymore, and I just changed the ringtone to something that makes me laugh…Toes by Zach Brown Band. LOL
Glad to see my husband and I aren’t the only ones Sallie Mae is stalking.
My favorite was their quote “Well you didnt have a problem borrowing the money.” I was like.. Are you kidding? We were 22 year old idiots trying to put one of us through school, we had NO IDEA!! And besides, I might pay them if they didn’t want like, $2,500 a month. Who has that kind of income, especially now????
/Ringtone idea is great, I’m totally going to do that. I just turn the ringer off completely and have everyone contact me via cell.
Oh, this is SUCH a fantastic idea.
The next time I get a happy ending I am gonna try to tip in Drakma.
Maybe I’ll wait till Im dressed again first.
This makes me feel so glad my wife and I scrounged to pay off her student loans right before they started accruing interest. It was lucky we were able to at that time, but I was terrified of this kind of thing. Debt sucks, and it only gets worse!
Tell your husband to start whoring himself out to bring in some extra money on the weekends. I’ve got a million more ideas like this– just ask!
I was just about to write a check for seven hundred rupees to pay my cable bill except it wasn’t a check as much as an index card with my signature on it and a drawing of what six year thinks a rupee looks like. I’m sure glad I read your post before I mailed it.
Student loans are the devil. And, given the little anyone cares about diplomas anymore, I am having a hard time not chanting, “Apprenticeship sans school,” in my daughters’ ears as they sleep.
Student loans SUCK ass and that is why we tell our 6 year old twins teh only way to go to college is by getting a scholarship.
They don’t have to know the truth.
babies will start waking before a developmental milestone so wait it out, your vampire should be sleeping better soon.
My son grew teeth at like 12 weeks old and bit my boob so hard it bled. Take that for vampire kid, ner ner! Worst part was not the bleeding boob, it was the fact he cottoned onto such a sport and later bit my boob AND LAUGHED AT ME. He also never slept through the night until he was 5 years old. 5 YEARS OLD. Vampire kid hell…HELL
He’s 8 and we are still not on speaking terms. It’s totally his dad’s fucking genes. Cos my genes need sleep like normal people! Pfft
I’m so glad I’m not the only town who they AREN’T talking to…Because we will often watch the news and say “Well OBVIOUSLY they aren’t talking about US! Because at least 50% of this freakin’ town is in foreclosure!”
I am a bit newer to your blog, but wanted to say thank you and that you always make me laugh-which is ALWAYS needed and welcome.
Hey, where are they handing out the Hong Kong dollars. I have a car payment coming up.
See, do like I do and send an IOU to the student loan people.
Or ask them to roll it into that great obama free healthcare plan.
trisha
momdot.com
ahh. i am dying in laughter over here. i might try those hong kong dollars as well. ha. student loans do suck and i agree about the economy and the “rich folks” on wall street ugh. makes me nauseated.
you are truly hilarious. you will be a daily read.. promise.
My forebearances ran out too and they called me and told me they have this thing called “Title 4″ where you can send a forbearance application with “Title 4″ written up on top plus a little letter about why you cannot pay (“Dear Sir, Other creditors are already garnishing me. Please accept my application. Yours Truly, His Girl”).
Hope that helps.
Very rarely do I laugh till I cry, but your blog makes me do just that. You are hilarious. Thank you for the good laugh!
So… first time reading your blog… and I am crying at my desk at work. Not in that weird, lonely girl who didn’t get the last of the coffee today way – but in the holy shit, I cannot believe how eff-ing funny this shit is. Awesome start to an otherwise crappy Wednesday morning, so thanks!
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