There’s a section in my Parents Magazine called, It Happened To Me, where parents write in and share some horrific thing they experienced so that we can all learn from their random mistake.
I read it in the bathroom.
It’s a section I usually use to convince myself how much better of a parent I am compared to the people who, oh, I don’t know, let their babies fall off changing tables or leave them in the dressing room at GAP Kids while they go get a soft pretzel in the food court.
It’s fun.
Ok, so then, two days ago, I was sitting with the baby, watching Judge Mathis, when I felt something weird going on with her toe. I figured it was toe jam, and started ritually cleaning lint from between her tiny toes like some kind of monkey, because, when it comes to babies, even toe jam is adorable.
I may or may not have smelled it.
REGARDLESS.
I had trouble pulling something fuzzy off of one of her toes, looked down, and saw that a strand of my hair had been wrapped, so super tightly, around her tiny, tiny toe…which was now purple…and swollen…and HOLY SHIT.
OMG I am one of those parents, the assholes from the magazine!
There was a lot of crying, running around with scissors, heart palpitations, swearing, and even some peeing, it doesn’t matter from who, just know there was pee and thongs had to be changed.
It was scary.
My hair has become a problem.
And not just for my sex life, because what is sexier than pulling a hamster size wad of hair from the shower drain?
Nothing.
Except for this weird long hair on my thigh that for some reason, I completely missed shaving for, like, 3 straight months, and now looks like I have a crazy rat tail on my left leg.
Anyways, the point is, I was going to have to cut my hair if I had any chance at not amputating one of my infant’s appendages, and also, prepare myself to never have sex again, because it would be like my husband having sex with my mom. Or that one lesbian neighbor from Married With Children.
So, I told my husband I needed a hair cut, and was like, hey, name someone who has a sexy haircut, and he’s like, do you mean on a girl or a dude, and I was like, a dude? And he’s like, ummm…so I was like, a girl…obviously. And he was all, I don’t know, I feel like this is a trick question, and I am like, man the fuck up and tell me how to cut my hair, so he’s like, well I like Jordan’s hair. And I am all, HOLD THE FUCK UP. Jordan? My best friend, Jordan? Who you are either, obviously, sleeping with or having sex dreams about?! Is that the Jordan you speak of, you ball sack of a husband?
And, he was all, you are a psycho, I’m going back to sleep.
Yeah…to dream about dudes…apparently.
Whatever, I am obviously on my own with this.
So, I went to my aunt’s salon with random celebrity pictures, made lots of hand gestures, explained to her how I almost killed my daughter, was all, please don’t make me look like a mom…
And then this happened.
GASP!
And then this.
*thud*
I don’t even know how I made it home. I remember getting in the car, but the next 8 hours were a blur of sobbing and running my fingers through the hair I didn’t have anymore. Like those soldiers who lose limbs in roadside attacks.
I was having phantom hair issues.
My husband came home from work and can’t keep his hands off me. Everyone who sees it tells me they adore it.
But, I can’t shake it.
I have mom hair.
So the question remains…will I still feel sexy at 6am when I wake my kids up to take them to school in my pajama nightie thing with dirty jeans and mis-matched flip flops?
No. No I won’t. But who the hell does, it’s 6am, ask me again when I have a bra on.
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Sassy magazine used to have the same column. And I guess we readers of Sassy are now readers of Parents. I’ll try not to get depressed at the thought.
You’re one foxy lady!
Wanna make out?
I’m serious. I’m swinging the other way for the day.
Either way that’s a great non-mom haircut – glad you’re no longer a baby killer.
Oh my gosh it’s cute! Love it!
And I totally just want to fluff it up with my hands! Work it out, girlfriend!
Love the new do. Totally a hot Mom do! not the frumpy, nobody wants to have sex with mom do!
I went short a while back and love it.
OMG! Laughing ’till I pee right now. You are hilarious. And just like everyone before me, your hair looks great. AND you’ve given me courage, because mine gets cut TOMORROW! I must reduce the TWENTY minutes it takes me to dry all the damn curls out of too long hair!
***Ally
I love love love it! Would love if my gigantic ball of frizz, otherwise known as hair, could look like that>
I just found your blog and I am loving it. And since its a slow day at work, I am off to love it some more.
Awesome hair cut.
Growing mine out to donate it to locks for loves…
Did it when I was 16 and cried for a week because I just lost 18 inches of long thick blond hair.
Made me feel better to know kids with cancer benefit from my hair insanity.
my husband wakes up almost every morning with my hair wrapped around his testicles, even if I was no where near them. That’s not enough to make me cut it. Maybe if it almost kills my future child, but I don’t know even then. You are a fantastic momma making that sacrifice for your child! (It looks awesome though!)
I have short hair (shorter than yours) and I don’t think I look like a mom (even though I am one). Short hair is sexy and stylish. Long hair is for people who are pretending they aren’t getting older or who are trying to hide something.
Okay, never commented, first time here, from “Sphors are multiplying”
First, you are absolutely HILARIOUS! I have never laughed at one blog article, ever.. seriously.
Second (and last of course) your hair friggin ROCKS! It is gorgeous. And, I might just get mine like that.. tisk tisk.
Crystal
You have no IDEA how much I love you!
I want your aunt to be my aunt!
Bras, like long hair, are overrated. You’re hair looks awesome. I’m sure your boobs do, too, but I won’t ask to see them because I’m not THAT creepy. Usually. Except today, apparently. Meh.
I loooooove it! You are smokin’ girl!
Not only do I love your hair but I want your life. How cool is it to have a little (PTHS) post traumatic haircut syndrome, write about it on your website and receive all of this positive encouragement and love from the universe. I’m thinking of Julie Andrews in the Sound of Music……”I must have done something good….”
I LOVE LOVE LOVE the new do! It is so cute, but it was cute when I saw it last weekend, too. You just have great hair! And you are lucky to be so photogenic! Everytime I take a picture it looks like I am having a seizure or something.
Holy hotness! I LOVE it!
that is totally NOT mom-hair. sexy & flirty? yes. mom-ish? nope.
Dude, I *so* love your obviously-UN-MOM-ISH-rockin’ hair. It’s awesomeness.
That post almost made me pee myself it was so funny-and like another commenter said- totally sexy bed head hair:)
OMG – a facebook friend just sent me your link and this is the only post I’ve read. You are freaking hilarious. I adore you and have added you to my favorites.
It’s totally adorable! And I’m not even trying to have sex with you, so you can take that as truth. (Although, I mean, if you asked….I’m sure I’d consider it.)
You’re hot!
But I know what you mean about “mom hair”…I would cut mine short if it looked awesome like yours. But on me, short hair would age me about 15 years so it’s staying long for now.
You know, that is a big step in life…the transition to mom hair. Like, that is like, adult stuff. It looks cute though.
Stop making me want to chop at my hair! I love it
Love the hair cut! You are a brave soul. I’ve had long hair ever since 8th grade, when I had that 80s mod haircut of one side long, the other short. I’m still recovering.
I just found your website (LOVE IT) and I think your hair looks wonderful! The same thing happened to my daughter and my hair. Of course I panicked and went to the ER knowing they were going to amputate my daughters toe and then call Social Services on me for neglecting to dig toe jam out of her toes and notice the hair. They took tweezers and got it out and told me to calm down. Its called a hair tourniquet, they have a name for it! Amazing. Anyhoo, there was a story about it in Parents magazine a few months back. So, long story short, love the hair, love the blog and I will be back to enjoy some more!
I love it!! I really need to do something with my hair. It’s long, and looks ok when it’s straightened but I never have time to do it in the morning.
If hubby is still doing you it’s hot hair… unless he’s trying to cover his tracks about the dreaming about dude hair.
Looks FABULOUS!!!
omfg that is soooo not mom hair, look at them curls! *wolf whistles* Do me baby!
Whaaa, I love it! Cute.
I think I just licked the computer screen. Omg….eww….But your hair looks so tasty! Ok yeah, any emails to tell me I’m a fucking nutjob just won’t be a major newsflash k?
YOU LOOK HOT! and sexy! and you can feel sexy no matter what! I’ve been wanting to cut my hair again, but my other half is all NOOOOOOOOOOO….. so we have this glare off where I threaten to and he’s all ”your fucking bluffing” and I’m like..”wotever” and then we end up having mad manic sex for hours. It’s working for me.
That is not “mom” hair.
That is The Kid Waiting On You At TGIFriday’s Will Totally Have Mastubatory Fantasies About You Hair.
Hand to God.
P.S. I first typed that as “Hand to Gog,/strong>”, which could still apply. God. Gog. Your choice. Hot hair either way.
And I fail at tags.
For what it’s worth, I think it look adorable on you! I’m jealous of those cute curls!
I totally think you can pull off wearing mismatched flip flops as well. It certainly beats the slippers I wore this morning to take my daughter to school. I hate those women I see at the carpool lane all dressed up with make up and all. Seriously.
uhm, if THAT’S mom hair then what the fuck have I got? 14 year old brother hair? Shit.
ps- I think your hair is hot.
totally not mom hair.
Wait, you wear a bra now? Since when!?
That’s all I could think of…can you answer them?! heheh!! >_<
i think our hair cuts need to have sex together… and make hair cut babies. cuz they would be uber cute.
I totally went through the mom hair thing. From about the time of my 2nd child’s birth until they started showering themselves leaving me more time to do my own hair. Just before I turned 40 I started thinking it was time to do the old lady short hair cut….but I balked. Who’s to tell me I have to join the crowd of wash-and-wear hair styles just because I’m 40? The stars don’t so why should I?
I’ve spent the last 10 years with long hair and as I approach 50 I’m starting to wonder if it’s time to cut it off, maybe get the perm that appears to be required of the Denny’s lunchtime crowd. The one that will help hide the fact that my hair is now 90% gray. I don’t want to be like the fading star who has great hair but a lined and gray face.
Mommy hair was an easy choice, born out of necessity. This getting old hair is a much harder decision.
Getting old sucks, hard.
Thanks for the giggle and for reminding me of myself 20 years ago. Ugh, my mommy hair was awful!
Connie
awesomeness.
The other day my boyfriend and I were at the Hard Rock Hotel admiring passing ladies (we do this because a) I am a cool girlfriend and b) I am allowing him the fantasy that one day we will bring one such lady to our bed) and this lovely girl (who I would so go there with…IN HIS LITTLE FANTASY ha) with very short hair walks by. I exclaim “I love her hair”. Now this was not a buzz cut, it was a cute short haircut, not long anywhere, on a girl with an amazing face. He said “Normally I hate supershort hair on women but on her it works”. My hair is very similar to yours. Long in front, short in back, curly when I don’t blow it out after a dip in the pool, etc. It’s pretty supershort. Hmph.
Your hair looks hot.
New reader. Adding you to her expanding blogroll. Ignore my ignorant blog. It was started as silliness to express my feelings to a new boyfriend and has now become a wedding present (when and if…)
ps not hitting on you (har har har)
I’m printing out that picture of you and pasting it to my ceiling so I can picture you when I let my husband put his thing inside me.
That’s an awesome pic of you. And your hair is fabulous and MUCH less “dangerous” now…
your hair is totally sexy!
AH HA!!!!!!!! It WAS a mom haircut~ I was right!!!
trisha
YOU? Are one sexy bitch of a mom.
Also? What the fuck does BlogHer shorten your titles to for their ad rotating post thingy? They must have one full time staffer just for your posts. I want that job.
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