Did you know…it took me three tries to pass my driving test?
It’s true. And, by the third attempt, I was so convinced I was never going to pass and would have to be driven around, by my dad, for the rest of my life, I didn’t even look cute that day.
And then I passed.
For five years I had to live with a license photo of me dressed like Gwen Stefani from the Spiderwebs video.
One of my many ill advised fashion phases, and I’m talking about you, gigantic Blossom hat and Brenda Walsh bangs.
So anyways, my point being, driving a car has never been something I am particularly good at.
I mean, I don’t run over dogs, or slam into pedestrians or anything. But, when I get behind the wheel…I panic. PANIC.
I can’t focus, and the other cars are super threatening, and the semis scare the shit out of me, and the next thing you know I am hyperventilating and in full blown panic attack mode.
Which sounds awesome, right?
Well, apparently, it is. So much so, my death wish husband made me share the driving duties with him on our trip to Asheville, North Carolina this past week.
On my leg of the trip?
Some insanley huge bridge that connected Ohio to Kentucky.
Oh great, a combination of, like, three of my fears. Driving. Deep water. Heights.
The trifecta of fuuucccckkkk.
And why do you even need a bridge to connect two states?! It’s 2009. Can’t we just use robots to fill in all the water with dirt so nobody drowns or gets eaten by sharks?
It’s like our government wants us to die.
So, I start to go over this bridge, which has a million lanes of traffic, and I start to sweat, and my hands get all tingly, and then…boom…I have completely forgotten how to drive, and I am all, Oh my God Andy, take the wheel, I FORGOT HOW TO DRIVE, and he is all, you need to relax, and I am like, I CAN’T RELAX WHEN THE OTHER CARS ARE TRYING TO PUSH ME OVER THE SIDE OF THE BRIDGE.
And I start sobbing, and like, I don’t now, convulsing almost.
I am like, listen, you need to call my mom, in case something happens, and Andy is like, stop being ridiculous, you have like 500 more feet, and I am like, we are not gonna make over this FUCKING BRIDGE, CALL MY FUCKING MOM, IF I DON’T SAY GOODBYE TO HER BEFORE WE DIE I WILL NEVER FORGIVE YOU, and he’s like, what is wrong with you that you function like this, and I am like I NEVER SHOULD HAVE MARRIED YOU.
And then, we were over the bridge.
And things got quiet. For a super long time.
Like, an entire state.
And then, we saw a Shoneys, and I pulled in, because I clearly needed to get my shit together, and what says mental health better than all you can eat sausage gravy?
We watched the boys play with their jello, and Gigi play with the spoon I gave her to wave around, because I am an awesome parent, and who doesn’t like shiny things???
I felt foolish.
I told him that I didn’t mean to say I wish I had never married him, and he was like, I knew you were psychotic when I married you, so I knew what I was getting into, so I was all, awww, that’s sweet.
And then he got me a piece of cherry pie and handed me my bottle of xanax.
We were about to drive through the Smokey Mountains.
Have you ever seen those things? They are huge, and I am petty sure we are either going to fall off a cliff, or some gigantic rock is going to fall onto our car, smooshing us all, and everyone will know how fat I am, because I am wearing the jeans I haven’t cut the tag out of yet.
I never plan for this shit.
{ 62 comments… read them below or add one }
And now? I’m a little bit happier that you weren’t in the GM truck with us. Because I would have had to stun gun you. TO DEATH.
#1. I had a Blossom hat and I feel you on that. Mine was black crushed velvet with black sequins on the foldy part with a huge rose crafted from…you guessed it…more black sequins.
#2. Semi trucks should have their own roads. Away from cars. Far too much death and destruction potential there. That’s not anxiety, that’s fact.
#3. I am saddened you didn’t bring me a hot fudge cake from Shoney’s.
mmmm….shoney’s…..my whole mouth just filled with saliva.
and i am pretty sure maneuverability was rigged. i failed that shit too. i am a horrible driver. HORRIBLE. and i know live in a place where i have to parallel park on a day to day basis after driving across bridges with 6 lanes going each way. i don’t care how much that “retrofit” that shit, if the earth moves hard enough, i am pretty sure it’s gonna snap. i saw that made for tv movie about the earthquakes…oh, and motorcycles are allowed to lane share. who thought of that?
point being….i am a terrible driver too. in nw ohio you don’t have to deal with those things. the roads go in numerical and alphabetical order, for god sakes. and heavy traffic is shoop avenue. nuff said.
Was it the bridge in Cincinnati? Because that bridge is scary whether or not you’re scared of bridges…. And i’m pretty sure it wasn’t a trifecta, but more like a quadfecta… because well… semi’s drive on that bridge too! I feel for you. I learned to drive in Cincinnati. But even if it was another bridge, I still feel for you.
I lived in Asheville for a number of years before moving elsewhere in the state and I know exactly what you’re talking about. I learned how to drive there – which sucked. One girl, in drivers ed, while going around one of those hell-a crazy turns, drove us right into someone’s mailbox. Nice. Great times had by all. haha…I still hate driving through the smokey mountains! Good luck!
So with you…. I’m always like…. SO. WHERE. AM. I. GOING. TO. PARK. WHEN. I. GET. THERE?! You are not alone!
I have been in a total of 7 major car accidents (only 3 were my fault) but I have more post traumatic stress from seeing myself in pictures wearing
my blossom hat riding high atop my mountain of permed-perm.
Does anyone have a glass of juice or a piece of hard candy?
*breathes into a paper bag*
Hate. Hate bridges. Started years ago when I had to drive a U-Haul truck in a wind storm over the 7-mile bridge in the Florida Keys. Bad scene. And now I panic over going off a bridge with the kids in the car. If we do manage to get out of the sinking car, how can I explain to the 3 year old to hold her breath? God, now I need to go have a drink.
“The trifecta of fuuucccckkkk” is brilliant.
I frequently look at my husband and say “you had full disclosure” because he knew I was crazy, too.
I know that bridge it is very scary! When I lived in Cincinnati I hated driving on that bridge. Also love the pics you tweeted along I-75. They made me miss home especially the giant “Touchdown” Jesus aka “Butter” Jesus.
On a list of things I hate to do the most, driving would be right there. Right above “gnawing off my own arm”.
I can drive like nobody’s business but I completely spaz out on very long, crowded bridges. Your suggestion to fill them in is brilliant. Also saddly, I too believe in the power of sausage gravy. Biscuits anyone?
Ohio and Kentucky are inland, so how big of a bridge do they need?? The Chesapeake bay bridge? Total nightmare miles and miles about 5 feet about the ocean. yikes!
I LOVE to drive… but I HATED driving through the Smokey Mountains!!
mmmmm….. sausage gravy!!!!
I hope you take a detour and pass through Nashville on your way back. Then you, your fetuses (feti?) and hubby can party with my twin and I.
Dude. You take the Xanax BEFORE you start driving. Not on the other side of the bridge like a victory shot.
Also, as a sister in Spastic Panic Disorder, did you know there’s actually a SERVICE that will drive your car FOR you over the bridge for no charge???? For realz. Just for retards like us.
My husband hates bridges. I really enjoy it when he has to drive over them.
Yeah, I’m a huge bitch. Yeah, I also had Brenda Walsh bangs. What of it?
–>I should think about people like you when I’m tailgating folks on one of the 50 bridges in this area including the Chesapeake Bay Bridge Tunnel which is 24 miles long and thinking, MOVE ALREADY!
~deb
http://www.websavymom.com/
Sounds like you just bought yourself a non-driving pass, my friend!
Well played…
Note to self: Never let Brittany drive.
Anywhere.
Ever.
For the love of god, please write a book. Or five. You are a funny, funny, slightly neurotic and purely enjoyable writer.
Not sure who Winston is up there but (s)he has a good idea Nashvegas isn’t that far out of the way:)
The smokies are best when taken in during the fall.
haha great story! I totally understand your fear. I start hyperventilating just going on an overpass. You couldn’t pay me to drive up a freaking mountain. ..
Oh, that was you. I apologize profusely for the bird and my language, cause by then I was so ready to shoot a flaming arrow into your car with a crossbow that I didn’t care what kind of language I was using in front of your kids. God bless you all. You have car-panic issues, I have car-anger issues. Just, ya know, in case I didn’t make that totally obvious.
if only we knew someone that worked with robots…
Bwahahaha …. loved that story. I failed twice for speeding and once for driving through a stop street. So glad to find out that I’m not the only one in the world to fail my driver’s license 3 times….
I’m pretty sure you owe me a new chair for my office. Every time I read your blog, I pee a little as I laugh. Seriously. I want my new chair.
I live in Lexington, Kentucky and once I went to the zoo with the kids in Cincinnati and on the way back home, I had a panic attack driving over that damn bridge. It’s terrifying! Everyone flies across it and I started thinking, “what if I lost control of the wheel and we fell off the side?!?! What then?!?!” Needless to say, someone else drives that leg of the trip now.
bridges & ocean water freak me the fuck out. Driving I’ve pretty much mastered, thanks to my father throwing me on the highway with only my learrners permit in a thunderstorm and couldn’t see out the windshield after I failed my test by sideswiping a parked car trying to parrell park. good times. I’m so glad I can read someone like you who writes everything I think in my head.
In my family we hold our breath going through tunnels. It really suck when we all start turning blue during trips in Boston and New York.
You see if you don’t hold your breath the tunnel will colapse and water will rush in and drown everyone. So we all take big, deep breaths (like we are free diving for the worlds record) and take the plunge.
If the tunnel is backed up, I have been known to go around the entire city to find a nice safe bridge.
Everytime I see a bridge I have this weird fear of like…dropping off it. Or worse, that my kids are just gonna fall off it. Like we are gonna get on the bridge and the bottom will just fall out from underneath us and I’m gonna be all shiiiiiiiiiit! and attempt to totally have a McGyver moment and quickly make a boat out of myself and the falling bridge pieces as we fall and then save everyone.
Yeah.
So far, it’s never actually happened, but Im fucking telling you that if it ever does, Imma be prepared as hell! Oh and my driving isn’t so bad, if you take out the cars I seem to not see which are right in front of me.
We went to the Smokey Mountains for vacation last year and I SHIT YOU NOT my husband drove off the edge of a fucking mountain. Luckily, there was some more mountain jutting out from beneath where we drove off so no one was hurt and we just popped it in reverse and got back on the road, but dude. He will never live that down. Ever.
i love driving and the mountains still scare the piss out of me (quite literally)… so xanax and pie was probably a good move.
hope you had a nice time
Dude. AWESOME!
I’m just the opposite, I am the main driver in our family- I got a 98% on my driving test- first time- 2 points off for turning my wheel the wring way after parking- which I really think is more of a physics question than a driving one. And Xanax is usually in my system if my husband is with me- driving or not.
If it makes you feel any better, the Ohio River is so polluted your skin would melt off before you’d get eaten by a shark….
OMG this is the best laugh I’ve had all day – only because I am the.exact.same.way with driving and bridges and water…especially water.
(and semis…they really should have their own roads…I can’t even pass the stupid things on the freeway without a panic attack!)
My route to camp every summer goes over the Piscataqua River Bridge (I-95 NH/ME), which I normally do in the middle lane going 40 mph (REALLY pissing off the drivers behind me!) while white-knuckling the steering wheel screaming “Miss Otis Regrets” along with Bette Midler at the top of my lungs while tears pour down my face. I don’t even drive/open my eyes on the Tappan Zee. The Tobin Bridge in Boston? I won’t drive it. The Big Dig Tunnels in Boston? Somehow, I have this mental image that if I’m more than halfway through, I will be propelled forward by the force of the water. Wishful thinking… but one that I have to think of a lot, based on the number of cracks and leaks in those tunnels!
Welcome to the Club, girlfriend! Now pass the Xanax!
I’m pretty sure the Ohio River doesn’t have sharks. There are probably enough other icky things in there though that it wouldn’t matter. My husband always drives that part of the trip (we live in Ohio).
I love riding over the mountains so I can view the scenery but I don’t like doing the driving. Oh, and I don’t so much like do the riding when it’s in the middle of an ice storm at 2am either.
I’m also pretty sure that you should probably stay away from the Rockies. Yeah.
Classic post. lol
The trifecta of fuuucccckk? Genius.
This is quite possibly one of the funniest things I have ever read. In fact, I’ll go out on a limb and put it in the Top Five Funny Posts of All Time.
So, no pressure for tomorrow’s post or anything.
I even, despite my husband’s protests, read the entire thing aloud to him. He hates it when I read him blog posts. You’d think I had a speech impediment or something!
I’m sorry but I totally laughed at Anissa’s stun gun comment.
I can relate to the “panic mode” driving thing…only my husband is the
freak whose fingernails we’re digging out of the steering wheel instead of mine.
So, did you end up calling your mother from the mountains to tell her goodbye?
LOVE your stuff.
Just stumbled upon this.. I will definitely be back! That’s hilarious… “the trifecta of f***k” LOL!
This happened to my wonderful mom on a bridge to Newport Rhode Island years ago.
Except my dad was useless in the backseat, asleep.
So the only rational, sane human being my mom had to navigate and calm her down was me. Only, I was eight years old. Not your first choice in navigational companion while trying not to have a panic attack in a manual transmission F150 on a giant bridge.
We lived.
Oh. Em. Gee.
I never thought to cut the tag out of my JEANS.
I cut the tag out of my panties, cause I don’t want the local panty thief knowing my size cause that might give him a complex about his weight while he is dancing around his loungeroom in them. It is a PUBLIC SERVICE, because I CARE.
But it is about time I did something for me. And another use for my scissors besides using them to cut the pain away…
I’m a suck loser who never learned to drive for ALL the kinds of reasons you listed above – I DON’T think I’d make a very good driver, and if you’ve ever been to Montreal, you’d know that pedestrians are very fearful coz the drivers are INSANE here, and it took me nearly two years to stop gripping the armrests in the car when my husband drives. Still, at least you do it, girl. Good for you. My life is so freaking limited, it’s a miracle I go anywhere at all.
Honey, you haven’t had a panic attack since you’ve driven through the Rocky Mountains. They have RUN AWAY TRUCK RAMPS for God’s sake. I haven’t been the same since.
I showed up late to my drivers test on my 16th birthday and the fat lady behind the counter wouldn’t let me take it and made me come back 2 weeks later. I cried the rest of the day. Maybe she was such a bitch because I got cheating on my permit test when I was 15. Oops.
I’m going to freak you the fuck out.
In my town, we have to drive through a tunnel UNDER WATER, and once I make it through that without a total panic attack (which I won’t have as long as traffic moves smoothly, but if it slows down, OMFG), then we have to drive over a long ass bridge as we cross an entire bay.
Not fucking kidding you.
I guess you won’t visit me anytime soon.
{ 1 trackback }