I worked at The GAP for four years in High School and College.
I came away with that job with two things.
First, a Pavlovian response to fold and refold my jeans whenever I hear the song Seasons of Love from Rent, ’cause you know their blared that shit every Christmas, because The GAP is the epitome of all things youthful, hip and relevant.
Secondly, I learned there are some things in life that are just never acceptable to do in public.
Wait, I also came to adore soft pretzels dipped in cream cheese from the food court.
But it’s the second item that’s relevant to my story. The whole pretzel thing is only relevant to, like, the size of my ass.
So, The GAP used to have a kick ass return policy. I remember someone returning stonewash jeans from the 80′s that they still had the tags and reciept for. Full refund. No questions asked.
Which is insane. Who waits a decade to return jeans that don’t fit?
I mean, I am lazy about doing shit, just ask the Redbox DVD I have had on my counter for 23 days (I love you Hank Mardukas), but that shit is crazy.
Unless she was just super embarrassed about her jean size. I mean, who hasn’t been there? After my second child, I was so embarrassed about how big my pants were, I used to ask for a gift receipt when I checked out, so that the 17 year old Hills reject at the register wouldn’t think that I could possible needs jeans that size, and they were totally just a gift for my super huge, anonymous relative…who apparently trusts me to do all her clothes shopping…because she is bed ridden…on account of being so fat…you get the point.
Either way, a decade is excessive. I mean, even I would have broken down and returned them by now, burrito money is burrito money.
So anyways, yes, as long as the item was unworn, and you had a receipt, boom, refund.
Except this one time, during the Christmas season, when things are particularily busy and chaotic, I was working at the registers, because I don’t like being on the floor interacting with crabby old people shopping off a list for their grandkids, who feel the need to remind me I’m ass raping their food, medicine and old people stuff budget because they aren’t used to paying more than $5 for a pair of “denim slacks.”
So, I hid at the cash register, so that I could play God as I called people up from the line. Like, some kind of super awesome bouncer, appointed by God. I could be all, whoa, back the fuck up lady, I didn’t call next yet, I am busy doing GAP shit that you wouldn’t even understand, so you need to take your slippers and your V Neck sweater, and take about 10 steps back. Do you know how to fold a puffy jacket in 10 seconds? No. Beause you are not me, and I am so busy and important right now, it would blow your civilian, non-GAP, mind.
Ahhh…the holiday GAP line que. So bad ass.
Plus, it also let me stall so that I could avoid certain people in the line that looked totally mean or like they might smell really barfy.
So, back to my story.
Up next in line was this 300 pound Hispanic lady, who looked super pissed off and had a tattoo of a skull on her neck. Not quite my target GAP checkout line demographic, so I pretended to re-tie my Dr. Martens so that someone else could get her. Plus, she had a return in her hands, and that was just more work than I felt like doing that day.
But, apparently everyone was on to me, and I got stuck with her anyways.
So, she pulls out these jeans, and clearly, they were worn and something definitely went down in them.
They stunk. Like…um…vagina sweat.
Yes.
Like that.
So, I was all, unfortunately, we can’t return items that have been worn, and she was like, I never wore them, I decided I didn’t like them.
So, like, in my head I am like, Dude, somebody’s naked or leaky vagina has been in these jeans.
But how do you tactfully say that to someone who probably poops things bigger than you?
So, I desperately tried to make eye contact with my manager, and like, send her some kind of secret message with my corneas like, OMFG get over here, this lady’s jeans smell like a dead whore’s vagina, and she is way too big and scary for me, an under-paid, non manager, to have this conversation with her.
So, my manager came over, took one whiff of air surrounding the denim yeast infection, and was like, sorry, but the jeans have been worn, we are unable to return them. And the lady got all mean, and was like, listen, I told you I never wore them, give me my money back.
Ok, what happens next was literally the thing of GAP legends, and would forever be remembered in the Southwyck Mall GAP store until the end of days!
My manager picked up the jeans, turned them inside out, and smelled the crotch. Of the jeans. In front of everyone.
SHE PUT HER NAKED NOSE ON THE CROTCH OF THE SMELLY JEANS OF A 300 POUND LADY WITH A TATTOO ON HER NECK.
And she was all like, see, this smells like private parts, the jeans have been worn, I cannot return them.
And then? I fainted.
Two things.
To this day, I have never returned a pair of pants to the GAP.
And, I still smell vagina in the mall at Christmas time.
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I lost my shit when I read “denim slacks.” HILARIOUS!
I lost my shit when I read “denim slacks.” HILARIOUS!
And my mouth dropped open when I read your account of what the manager did…I hope she didn’t pick up a venereal disease.
HA-that is SO gross! I could totally see that happening at the Southwyck GAP! Great story-and you REALLY fainted??
OMG! That is soooo DISGUSTING! And hilarious! Your manager must be a real bad ass.
Queasy pregnant lady almost lost her saltines. Actually, I still might.
OMFG!
I’ve always found that smalls usually smell like vagina. Or chili.
Bleagh! Though I must say, it does remind me of my days in college when I worked in a B&B and when post 9-11 economic downturn hit, my responsibilities as innkeeper increased to include filter & ph checks on the outdoor jacuzzi tubs for our cottages – and discovering the pube-tastic delights lurking therein. It only got worse when a homeless person decided to start breaking into the cottages at night and using the jacuzzi as a place to bathe.
That is soooooo funny! I love the fact that she smelled the crotch of the pants.
I do that when I am trying to decide if I can get away with not doing the laundry for another day.
i have to stop reading your blog at work. i can only hold in laughing for so long before my face turns red and ppl start wondering what the f is going on. you are so, so funny!
HIL.AR.I.OUS!!!! She is a saint!
omg., i am dying. DYING laughing. holy shit. holy fucking shit. LOL
Okay, I will NEVER.EVER shop for jeans anywhere other
than the GAP now. And thanks for making me laugh so loud that I
woke up 3 of my 5 kids.
Seriously, you must collaborate on the book I always planned to write–My Days in Retail Hell. That story would be a great beginning, followed by the story of the employee who wrapped himself in plastic (in July) because he didn’t want sweat to get on his clothes. Oh, and the story of the obese woman who was wounded in the bathroom stall when she tried to sit on the toilet and the paper dispenser got in the way. And, yes, I was the only female manager on duty and had to witness her bruised ass. We won’t even talk about the things found left on the dressing room stalls…..I’ve got 18 years of this stuff. Your manager was a hero, btw.
A little of my soul died inside when I read this…my gawd the retail people at the GAP do not play!
I am seriously peeing my pants laughing right now….husband thinks I am nuts. I love you!
Peeing my pants laughing….my husband thinks I am crazy. I love you!
Flashing back to my high school years working the juniors department at Sears. Two songs will forever be associated with that: Spiderweb and the Macerana.
Two more days and that movie is yours.
And I don’t want to smell the crotch of my own jeans just in case there might be some kind of stink there…. I guess I shouldn’t have admitted that. But I would definitely never, ever smell the crotch of a stranger’s pants and then call them on their vagina funk. Ewwww.
Thanks for the laughs. What I was going to say, they all said. So, what they said goes for me too. Except for the fact, now that I think of it, I sold shoes in high school in the budget department of WM. H. Blocks. I could tell you some horror stories about that. Corny, dirty, smelly feet that you have to touch and try to force in a shoe 3 sizes too small verses smelling the crotch of a pair of jeans? Uh, I’d say…uh..people just need to order on-line and let the highschoolers listen to their music & chew their gum. God help ‘em.
Also, one of my favorite things about this blog is that the comments are usually almost as funny as the actual post.
OMFG I’m SO glad I’ve never worked retail. Snort.
(Cuz nannying with poopy diaps is SO much better. LOL)
I SO wanted to pee my pants reading this one, but I really need to return these jeans to Old Navy tomorrow!
Oh, and THIS is the reason I wash EVERYTHING before I wear it!
ACK ACK ACK! Cannot get that smell out of my brain now…must sniff pant crotches from now on
BTW, that manager rocks….sounds like something that would happen over at my lovely corner of Hot Topic (we attracted a lot of strippers
1. Barf.
2. How did you get a cool job like the Gap in HS? My first job was Little Caeser’s back when they were Pizza Pizza and my job was every Friday and Saturday from 4-8 they paid me 3.35 an hour to stand at a table and put sauce and cheese on pizza because the manager was this fat bitch named Pam who hated me. Good thing about the job: could still go out after on weekends. Bad thing about the job: smelled like pizza. Good thing: boys liked me but didn’t quite know why…. I quit the job to take a job with Lic’s Ice Cream Shoppe for LESS money/uglier uniform (student wage: 2.85 an hour—I swear I am not that old but writing that makes me feel like a gramma—ironic as I am the oldest person in my current peer group and I have 2 friends younger than me by 3-4 years who actually ARE grammas—but I was busy working in HS instead of getting pregnant) because the hours were better.
3. the Gap sucks
Tou-fucking-che! I recently quite working retail. Where I had been for like 7 years and I can totally sympathize. Also you might appreciate this story: At one point during my illustrious career I worked at a globally recognized lingerie brand. One day some gem of a teenager decided the best way to steal panties was to wear them out and LEAVE HER DIRTY ONES IN THE FITTING ROOM!!!!!!!!!! CRUSTY AND ALL!!!!! That just adds insult to injury doesn’t it?
*turning red from supressed giggles*
People are staring. They think I am having fits. It takes me a two minutes to calm down enough to say I was just struck by something funny. It’s okay they think I am weird anyway.
Reading this at work, maybe not such a good idea. ROTFLMAO.
You are the bright spot in my otherwise rainy dismal Tuesday morning.
I worked at the Gap too! But OMFG – you’ve got the best Gap story ever! Props to your manager for getting down and dirty.
I know what you are talking about, I worked at the Gap for 4 years. Their return policy is crazy and their Christmas CD almost killed me every year, Love Train in particular, or the Macy Gray one where it sounds like she is going to keel over. I have some Gap war stories of my own, glad to hear I am not the only one.
I love your blog, absolute greatness.
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OMG THIS POST HAS SCARRED ME FOR LIFE. I hated taking returns at the GAP, although I’ve NEVER been handed jeans with the reminiscent of vag. Your manager HAD to have been a dude because only a dude would put his nose to jean crotch that was swiped with va-jay jay juice.
Amazing.
OMFG I am laughing so hard! Thank you. I am a BR/Gap mgr and I would never smell the item in front of the customer but I have had to reject returned items b/c the customer is lieing about wearing them. Why do people think we are stupid. I love this story, thank you for the good laugh.
Bwahh ha ha ha! I love it. What an awful experience but sooo funny, too!
That is disturbing and a riot, and did you know that Gap, BR, etc. recently changed their stupid-ass return policy to 30 days, no exceptions?
This was a hilarious post!!!! Love your blog
Freaking hilarious!!
I’m so non-confrontational, so I would have just said “oh, sure you can return these. Cash or store credit?”
I choked om my own saliva! The best part of my day, thank you!
OMG!! I just died reading this! She sniffed WOT?! That is exactly why she was made manager babeh, that’s why they pay her the big bucks. Crotch sniffing 300 pound hispanic ladies jeans with smelly vag juices….I’m fucking pregnant and this is making me gag. You couldn’t pay me enough to sniff that crap….not…..enough.
On the other hand, I hope she said that really loud so all the other customers could hear. Damn I would have paid to see that xx
I am laughing so hard, I need to go take a few hits off my inhaler…….
OMG!! That was hilarious.
Okay. I am laughing so hard I gave myself a headache. AND my boyfriend insisted I share with him what was so incredibly funny and he laughed so hard the dogs thought something was up with us and all 3 of them jumped up on the couch – narrowly missing my laptop.
I know a ton of funny people, woman, but YOU…YOU are damned funny.
Oh my goodness that is… it’s just…
Wow. I’m out of words.
Dude i would have LOVED a job at the Gap, that was the epitome of cool. But i had these stupid hippy parents who made me work at the public library, and would never even buy me gap jeans so i had to sneak buy them and hide them. Yes, I did not have weed in the back of my closet like a normal teen, I had gap jeans that I would change into at my friends house. True and very sad story.
OMG. This is the best, most disgusting thing I’ve read in a long time. I worked at The Gap too – for years. Their return policy was super ridiculous, and yet people took super advantage of it because they could. I remember one guy returning a coat that literally had the entire back ripped to shreds, like he has been attacked by a lion. And yes, we took it back. I also worked the cash register, because there was NO WAY I was going to be the greeter – no one would come in if that had been the case. Your manager was crazy.
I love the Gap.
And I am pretty sure that lady had lunch in my restaurant today.
The area around the cash register still smells of her.
Okay, first… Oh.My.Gah! This story was hilarious!!
Secondly, Southwyck Mall was the place to be!! Okay… not really. But I remember shopping there! lol
OMG I ALSO worked at the GAP for 4 years in high school and college, and I also hid behind the register for the same region (I was a “lead cashier.” They actually let me, as a 17 YEAR OLD, count the money at the end of the night. I was allowed to post-void transactions. And now I’m all “I could have stolen so much money from that damn store”…but I was a pussy so I didn’t.)
ANYWAY, one time I had a lady return some pants, and I was having a similar “you totally wore these” convo with her, and we had a lame manager from the Gap Kids store on that night, so I bring her over and she tells me that yeah, they look worn, but take them back anyway, and put them in the “damaged” bin because some dumbass will buy them for 90% off. So I take them back, and I go to fold them and they wont fold and I’m all “WTF, fold!” And then I look at them more closely and there is something inside of them…and it’s a pair of WORN DIRTY UNDERWEAR. FOR REAL. INSIDE THE PANTS. My friend and I fished them out with a hanger, put the panties and hanger in a plastic shopping bag, and disposed of them…and told the store manager about it the next day. GROSS. I will never forget that. It haunts my dreams.
STOP! It’s tomorrow and I’m still laughing.
Love the store manager — did you happen to see Mad Men on Sunday night when Joan returns a dress with a big red wine stain? What makes people think the store is responsible for something like that??
I’m on my way to Gap to look for the 90% off sale.
OMFG!!!!! I just had that SAME lady in here bitchin about her auto insurance!!! Ok, minus the skull tat, but I’m 100% sure she’d smell like dead whore vagina!
Thank you thank you thank you for this. I too survived a tour of duty in the Gap returns line. You took me back there, and made me appreciate my current grown- up job so much more. I love your blog. Post more!!
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