When you have two boys, people treat you like you are in this weird state of girl purgatory.
Gotta keep trying for that girl, eh?
Still chasing your girl, eh?
I heard this crap all the time. From, what appears to be, Canadian strangers. While I was pregnant and pushing a cart full of boys through Target looking for the Vaseline, which is totally never where you think it is.
And I was like, dude, what’s wrong with only having boys?
Look at the fucking Jonas Brothers!
Three boys who play musical instruments, harmonize, and don’t let girls play with their wieners?
Best thing ever, right!?
I mean, I’m too young to be a grandmother, and teenage pregnant people are fucking insane, have you seen 16 and Pregnant?! They are irrational, and homicidal, and they can get away with empire waist halter tops from fucking Hot Topic their entire pregnancy, and that makes me stabby.
So yeah, three boys who go onto pop stardom and virgin rings? Um, sure.
Plus, I think if you tell everyone you want another boy, then you won’t get the pity parties, or the maybe next times, or the ohhhh, I guess God didn’t want you to raise girls bullshit.
But, here’s the thing. I wanted a girl. Really, really, really bad.
I ached for it.
To have something else in this house with fucking ovaries and little toenails I could paint.
So I googled stuff, and came up with my own super secret baby girl recipe.
Well, it was a secret, until last night when I was chatting with some friends, and I had to spill the beans.
And now, this is where I tell you how baby girls are made.*
If you want a girl, the basic concept is that when it comes to sperm, boy making sperm? Gigantic pussies. Girl making sperm? Fucking amazons.
Girl sperm are way stronger and live longer than boy sperm. So, it became my goal to kill the boy sperm before they got all up in my eggs.
This is sooo way harder than it sounds, and I could not talk Andy into wearing little boy underpants so they would get squeezed to death, or let me blow his balls with a super hot hair dryer.
It’s like I am the only one who even cares anymore.
I also read that when you want to have a girl, you should have an acidy vagina. Which totally freaked me out at first, because I remember in Fight Club when Brad Pitt put acid on Edward Norton’s hand, and it was fucking disgusting, but that on the plus side, I would never ever have to get waxed again.
Turns out? Completely off base on the whole acidy vagina issue.
Sidenote: In case anyone is interested, after this conversation, the girls and I totally formed a rock group called Hasidic Vagina. Think Simon and Garfunkle meets Lady Gaga…with way more eyeliner and fish nets. It’s going to be mind blowing.
Anyways.
It relates more to the food you eat, like acidy fruits, than to third degree labia scalding.
So yes, a week of three square meals of fruit, and a couple accidental nut kickings later…we were pregnant.
But, I still had to wait, like, 20ish weeks until my body did it’s whole Harry Potter magic shit to the fetus to see if it worked.
And obviously?
I’m a genius.
P.S. In a strange turn of events, my husband now totally digs the hair dryer thing.
*I’m pretty sure, medically speaking, this has a 50% chance of failing, so don’t blame me when your little girl comes out with balls.
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and don’t let girls play with their wieners?
Best line about the Jonas Bothers…EVER
Ah, the truth comes out. You think I’m fucking insane, irrational, and homicidal. I can dig that.
Girls do rock. We were so sure we were going to end up with a boy we started buying boy and “neutral” stuff. We even stopped talking about girl names. Then, Meg came along and BAM! girly explosion!
She better not listen to that Jonas Bros shit though…
Oh GOD! I never say anything, I just lurk, but you totally had my ass cracking UP.
Great post.
Wow! That is WAY more scientific than what I did to make a girl.
Which is get drunk, turn on Snoop Dogg & bend over.
I now love you even more because you love The Jonas Brothers. Because I do too. A lot. Kind of in an unhealthy, Mrs. Robinson, I want to rip off their purity rings and show them what they are missing kind of way.
I also used methods of having a girl when trying to get pregnant with my daughter – and it worked for me too (obviously). So you are definitely doing everyone who wants a little girl a service by posting this. You’re such a humanitarian.
Girls are awesome! When I got pregnant this time, everyone was all, oh you want a boy right, because you already have a girl? And I was like, F-that, I want another girl. But all the nut kicking my husband didn’t work, and this time we made a boy. Crap.
Can I be in your Hasidic Vagina band? I’m really awesome at the tamborine
Dammit! Should have tried this BEFORE I had my 3rd BOY! I really, really wanted a girl too, but, alas, it was not meant to be. Shit, know a good doc to reverse a tubal?
Bottle it and sell it, my friend! You’re brilliant.
Hasidic. Vagina. Band. When does your tour of hookah lounges and OBGYN offices start, cause I think I need a t-shirt?
I am totally suing you if this doesn’t work. Just so you know.
I have always thanked god that I have two girls. I have a 49 year old penis I am still not sure what do to with – what would I have done with a baby pecker??
I had two girls. But I eat ONLY SUGAR. So I guess that coulda helped with the acidic vagina.
LOVED this post!
I’m pretty sure you could write about anything and I would laugh my ass off while I was reading it.
I am pretty sure girls have played with their weiners. They are just on the DL about it.
Two things:
Total congrats on getting what you want!!
and
Canadians so DON’T talk like that, even in Target. (Why would a Canadian even talk to a stranger in Target??)
Oh, and Swirl Girl, that was just about the funniest – and most accurate – thing I’ve ever read!
Hahaha….I concur, best line about the Jonas Bros *ever*
AND…the best part????
Those insanely adorable leg warmers.
Sigh.
I wanted a girl, I got a girl. And now I would really love it if at the age of 13 she would turn into a boy.
That’s hilarious. I’ve heard that if you have sex a few days before you ovulate, the girly sperm are more likely to get the egg, b/c they live longer. Still… I’m not willing to take the chance!
The big secret is there’s another younger Jonas waiting in the wings. And I only know this because my friend’s DAUGHTER told me, because I live in an all-blue testosterone-filled world.
I used to wish for a girl. Then when #3 was a boy, I thought it was okay. Then he was stillborn.
Then I just wanted a healthy baby to bring home. Four years, a miscarriage, and at the end of my 5th pregnancy, I got my Baby. I’m okay that he’s a boy. He’s here; that’s all that mattered in my book!
Glad it worked for you. Did you really think those old wives’ tales about douching with vinegar were just so you smelled like salad dressing?
That is hilarious. Lovely!
You, my friend, are a literary genius! I look forward to your posts in the most unhealthy, slightly creepy way. Thanks for sayin’ it like it is….
Sorry, but you couldn’t possibly give birth to the Jonas Brothers, as you are not Satan. Just so you know.
I adore you so much.
xoxo
I love that you were politically correct, calling them “teenage pregnant people.” Because, you know, SOMETHING in this post has to be politically correct.
OMG, based on the few pictures I have seen of you from your postings, your baby girl looks JUST like you! Congrats, she is perfect!
I love your blog. In addition, I absolutely think Canadians would say that. And then feel superior for not being American. They’d probably have a Canadian flag sewn on some article of their clothing or purse or diaper bag or wallet. Then they could say something about how bad we treated Native Americans. And then they’d say Americans all think they live in igloos. And then I would tell them how whenever I’m in another country being drunk and/or loud and obnoxious, I say as loud as possible: “I can’t wait to tell all my friends back home in CANADA about this!” Because really, who can tell the difference?
See, when I got knocked up, I wanted a boy SOOO bad. They have awesome toys and awesome clothes and nobody looks at you funny if you put your little boy in a Misfits t-shirt. Plus they think farting is funny and chances were I’d never even have to consider purchasing a Bratz doll.
So now I’m having a little girl. Must be my acidy vagina.
You have the most bizzzzare mind. I love it!
When I got pregnant with my son, my (then) eight year old daughter told me I had to have a boy because we didnt’ live any kind of close to a mall. I’m pretty sure she has a direct line to God. I’m having her tell him to pick my lotto numbers this week.
I am 9 days from going in for a c-section to get the surprise of our lives and here I am wishing you would have posted this oh 9 months ago- kind of
We have 2 boys and I wanted a 3rd boy, but baby won’t cooperate so we don’t know what we are having. The closer I get the more I think why didn’t I try some girl baby making concoctions. Especially since this is our last one. Thanks for the laughs!
Hahaha!! Thanks for the insight! You are hysterical and keep me in belly laughs. 4 years ago we had our first baby…twig and berries. Almost 2 years ago baby number 2 came. I didn’t believe that she was a girl until I saw the bottom half come out. Guess the lemon juice in the vagina did the trick. Hehehe the best was showing her off to the annoying aunt who insisted my entire pregnancy that I wasn’t meant for having baby girls. Showed her ass!
Hilarious as usual!!!!
But I will throw acid on my girly wallet if no one has played with Joe Jonas’s weiner.
I. Fucking. Love. You.
oh, and I wrote all this down for future reference…since considering, it’s like the EXACT opposite for my husbands little swimmer men.
My friend was telling me today that girls are over-rated. that they are all cute and everything until the day they turn three and then they turn into little demon girls…. just FYI.
I hope you are one of the lucky ones because I was a total shit head.
LMAO, I have 2 girls and of course, a husband that REALLY wanted a boy. We read a bunch of that stuff too, although for the reverse outcome. I think the way we got a boy is that I got rid of ALL the baby girl stuff. Yep, that had to be it.
I am going to try the hair dryer thingy on Shaun tonight. Anything to spice it up, right?
As a mom of 4 boys and (finally!) a girl, I totally get this.
I too created my own crazy “girl recipe” and it worked like a charm! I also gave my recipe to a friend w/ 3 boys and she finally had a girl.
I’m so glad I took matters into my own hands–it’s great having a girl!!
I wanted to tell you that my mom accidentally got pregnant with me because she and my dad, you know, did the do when she thought she was in the clear, a few days prior to her icky sticky becoming it’s ickiest stickiest… ANYWAY she told me the reason I was a girl was because the girl spermies stuck around long enough to make it to ovulation while all the boy spermies died off.
This theory upholds because the two kids she Tried for were boys.
Disgusting.
“When your girl comes out with balls”, that’s a scary thought.
You’re hilarious you know that, keep it up.
sheet of love baby. Sheet of love.
Clearly you are a genius! And clearly, Gigi is ADORABLE!! Such a little doll!
this is the very best post I have ever read. you are TOTALLY a genius.
and I totally want to be in the Hasidic Vaginas.
I am not sure how I ended up with one of each but let me tell ya baby weiners freak me out but baby whohas aren’t any better-all those damn cracks and crevasses!
I did hear that there is a book that a local OB recommends on how to get knocked up with a girl
isn’t painting baby piggies the best thing ever?? and tutus those are pretty damn cute also:) You need to do like I have done and learn how to make cute ass shit for her like headbands, tutus and dresses:)
just so you know I think your commenter secretly hates me and always does something mysterious with my comments!!
I think you are grossly underestimating the amount of eyeliner and fishnets that were involved in Simon and Garfunkle…they were just part of the “encore”.
Is it wrong for me to wish for another boy JUST because I don’t want to spend the money on buying new gender appropriate clothes and toys?
So, since I am a fruit freak and totally dig crap like that, I have currently 2 girls and one boy. I’m pregnant again (cos I lost brain cells see giving birth the first 3 times and somewhere forgot what it was all about and then when my eldest came to me for MORE MONEY I was like…SHIT! I’m totally already pregnant and now remember why I shouldn’t do this again! It was a really weird and awkward moment) I get to find out on Dec 1st if it’s a girl or a boy. But I think I was eating significantly less fruit around that time and maybe I let the little boy sperms win the race. Dunno. Either way I’ll be happy just as long as the baby doesn’t come out asking for money. xx
Ya’sher koach! (Good job!)
I speak Hebrew…I can help design shirts. You know, for when you wanna sell shirts that say “Hasidic Vagina” in Hebrew. Only 15% of Israel is religious, so you could make a killing over there.
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