Next week I leave. On an airplane.
This? Is where I convulse, shake uncontrollably, and then vomit on my keyboard.
I just don’t think it’s natural for things to be floating in the air.
Back in the 80′s, when the news was all, we’re all gonna have flying cars by the year 2000, I was like, no thank you.
I’m scared enough driving on the road, the thought of driving in the air is out of the question. I totally don’t even care if I am the only one who doesn’t have a floating car. I’ll be like that weird neighbor who insists on riding his bike everywhere because he loves the earth more than you, and you fantasize about hitting him when you see him biking along the side of a major 5 lane highway, with his aerodynamic helmet and bicycle rear-view mirror, like some kind asshole.
I would have been that asshole. Only with my old fashioned road car. Not a bike.
Luckily, that never panned out.
Unfortunately, people are still relying on the whole experimental airplane thing to get places that are too far to walk or roller blade.
The level at which I freak out in the air? EPIC.
And, that fact that everyone else is totally calm on the plane only aggravates me more. They are reading magazines, or listening to walkmans (fyi, haven’t flown since the 90s), or just sleeping. Like, restful sleep, not I AM GOING TO FUCKING DIE sleep.
The stewardesses just walk up and down the aisles like NOTHING is wrong. Like we aren’t going against nature in this giant flying tube. They are all like, can I get you soda and trail mix, and I am like, is that going to save me when we fall from the sky in a burning ball of twisted metal? How about you get me a fucking lawyer to write my fucking will and a bottle of whiskey?
And then, for the rest of the flight, they talk to me in this weird sing-song child voice, because I have been added to the list. The handle with care she is gonna freak the fuck out and we will have to shoot her before she brings the plane down list.
Which totally happens, by the way. When I was little, I watched a movie called International Velvet, and when they were shipping the horses overseas by plane, one of the horses started flipping out mid air, and they had to shoot it. It was bananas.
So now, I feel like I am living on borrowed time, and the hell if I am not going to make the most of it.
Which is totally pissing Andy off because the house is a mess and I haven’t done dishes or laundry in a week.
And, I understand it can be annoying, because who likes fruit flies, but Jesus Christ. I am about to fly in an airplane and probably die.
Why would I want my last memories on Earth to be of me cleaning things?
If I die, I am going out with pretty painted toenails and a belly full of hostess cupcakes.
{ 64 comments… read them below or add one }
Next Comments →
Bwahahahaha! I totally do the same thing. I freak out at the slightest bump in the air. The last time I flew, it was out of Denver and it was so bumpy that I was clutching my 6 month old daughter so tight I thought her eyes would pop out and I was sweating profusely. Hopefully no one noticed…
–>Since you’re not flying the plane, can I suggest some “liquid courage” prior to take-off in the airport watering hole?
~deb
http://www.websavymom.com
Will you be my little sister???
Also I am HORRIBLE about flying. Horrible. My best friend just takes a ton of dramamine. I wouldn’t be able to do that with a baby, but my therapist suggested just popping one benadryl.
I usually cry but last time Laurin spent the whole flight telling me awesome outlandish drinking stories and that helped.
Your LITTLE sister? You have to be younger than me, right?!
Get yourself a handful of happy pills, girl. Take to the friendly skies higher than a kite. See The Bloggess’ friend Nancy for the Judy Garland Trail Mix.
Stewardesses??? Really?!?! Are you sure you haven’t flown since the 70′s??
Love it!
Here’s a tip: If you tell your physician that flying makes you “freak the fuck out,” he will give you a RX for Xanax. And not just like two Xanax to get you through your flight. Like 20 Xanax. 20 freaking Xanax. That’s enough for you to give me half.
I just think it is unnatural to go over “speed bumps” in the sky. Turbulence is not good.
You’ll be fine. Have fun!
Although I love you and your writing makes me chuckle, you are indeed a serious freakazoid. Sheesh, flying is like being on a greyhound bus. Seriously, that’s all it is. When I see you in BOSTON you can show me the pretty painted toenails and we can laugh about the flying anxiety thing. I’ll bring you Hostess cupcakes, ok?
Signed-
Flew WAY too much all across North America over the last 10 years.
P.S. So excited to meet you and give you a big hug!!!
Dude, I am absolutely a freakazoid! And word is, I am totally just as weird in person, too!
My husband always says “Look babe, LOOK…you are the ONLY ONE freaking out…LOOK BABE, LOOK at that 10 year old playing his video games, he is fine” I’m like “he is 10, what the FUCK does he know? GET ME ANOTHER DRINK ASSHOLE”
Last time we flew to a wedding in jersey, i had 2 xanax on the flight and then starting drinking at the reception right after….was put in a cab home about 10 that night. My husbands college friends must have been impressed with his wasted wife. sigh.
haha I’m with David on this one. And I’m very thankful that you’re sacrificing and panicking the fuck out so you can come see us in Boston. And the new MP? I’m pretty sure it’s satan’s favorite show, it’s that bad.
It’s worth it. Have the wine ready.
I am also a plane-phob and also cannot understand the science behind why this object pilferates the sky without plumeting from it. I take zanax and this helps mildly. 2 pieces of advice/more shit to worry about
1. supposedly planes are most likely to crash on take-off and landing. this should be the heighth of your panic attacks if it is not already
2. always watch the flight attendants. if they don’t vulcan-claw their arm rests and eye people frantically, there is probably nothing to worry about – being that they have experienced so much more flying time than you
Do like me…..pop a couple Xanax and wake up in baggage claim.
Whot!?! I totally had you pegged as the president of the mile high club.
Ohhh planes are the devil. I cannot even consider flying without good amount of ambien or xanex. I don’t even drive after dark. I will only be comfortable in transportation when I can mentally teleport.. and even then Im scared Ill be lost in nowhere.
Bring a laptop, hook up to the free wifi, and watch some Glee. You’ll be there before you know it!
Planes. Eh. I don’t totally freak – but I’m not too happy either.
On another note – are you going to be in Boston or New York? Cause, Oh My God – if there is still space in the Boston one I could potentially go!!! Holy Shit!
I will be at BOTH! Go, NOW, RSVP, you can even bring friends!
i hate to break it to you, but you won’t be getting that trail mix in flight…bring food! and xanax!
i agree, flying is completely unnatural and terrifying…i had to work with my fear due to my love of traveling, but i always have a few moments when i look out the window and the panic at being thousands of feet in the air sets in…was that helpful?
I once heard a freakishly loud BANG on a flight and freaked out. Everyone else was calm and I asked the steward “WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT???” And he calmly replies “Oh nothing. We just got hit by lightning. Happens all the time.”
NOT IN MY WORLD IT DOESN’T FUCKNUTS!!!
I suggest medication. Loads of it. And mixed with booze too.
I’ve grown up in the aviation industry and am petrified of turbulence. No other time to make me feel worse about my lapsed Catholicism then at every bump when I start reciting Hail Marys at warp speed and in the back of my head think haha like God is going to care since you haven’t been to church since last Christmas, terrible one!! And I’m flying next week, too. *weeps*
I hear if you freak out enough they will give you free alcohol just to get you to shut up.
SHUT UP! Is this true!?
No, but it’s worth a try! Let me know if it works……
I hear if you freak out enough stewardesses will give you free alcohol just to get you to shut up.
Er, I am one of those people who sleep on the plane. I don’t know what it is but I pass out immediately and don’t wake up until I am jarred terrifyingly awake when the plane hits the runway.
Can’t wait to see you in NYC!
I get on a plane tomorrow. Oh god, I’m gonna vomit. Take off’s and landings those are my biggest problems. I hold my breath the entire time. In the air, if not too bumpy, I try to distract myself with music, a book, and smacking my gum, which I am sure pleases the other passengers to no end. I don’t really care, until we are back safely on the ground and I hear people point and say “that’s the one”. Such is life.
I hope you have a smooth flight but if not I can’t wait to hear all about how you went over the edge on the 5 o’clock news. LOL. Then I will wait till they release you to your loving husband so you can write all about it.
I love flying- the whole 2 times I’ve done it… I’m the type that will actually be all cocky going in and end up on the plane that goes down!
And that. Is why they make drugs. Red wine and Ambien, and you will have no idea what’s going on when the plan crashes.
xanax cures all, otherwise my ass would never leave the ground. Medication is key here. it’s not really for you but for the other passengers, so really you’ll be a hero.
I think you are flying up to MY neck of the woods! I don’t know if Boston is prepared for the Sass-Factor to go up 1,00o%…
Holy crap – National Velvet has a sequel?? And I didn’t know? Was Liz Taylor in that one too? And Mickey Rooney? This is very exciting news.
When I was little I wanted to be like Velvet and cut off all my hair so people would think I was a boy and then I could be a jockey.
I didn’t realize at the time that nowadays girls are allowed to be jockeys too.
I fucking HATE flying!!!! Hate it. I spend the whole flight crying actual, physical tears and gripping my armrests so tightly that it is evident to everyone that I am having a panic attack for the entire duration of the flight. And that? Yeah, that’s on 4-6 mg of Xanax.
We travel a lot, and the first drug they tried me on was Klonopin. I recommend NOT taking klonopin. I had 5, and was both drooling AND incoherently sobbing about death to other passengers. Terrible shit.
The worst is that my husband went to the Air Force Academy, so he’s all like “oh, flying is so safe and blah blah blah physics blah blah g forces blah blah totally safe.” Fuck him. And fuck all the other passengers who can fall asleep. Ambien does nothing when you’re that afraid.
But I still fly, pretty much every few months. I’d rather get to cool places and spend the entire vacation fretting about the flight back then end up one of those agoraphobic crazy people who haven’t left their house in 12 years and end up hoarding cats and newspapers.
I think it freaks me out even more when everyone on a plane seems so calm. I mean can’t there be a few people who run up and down the aisle screaming to let them the hell off the plane besides me. I haven’t flown in years but have to next month with my hubby and 6 month old. I keep on trying to get out of it to no avail. Of course my hubby has an answer to all of my worst case scenarios. Swine flu-we won’t get it, screaming baby-she’ll be fine, plane crashing-not gonna happen. Men are such know it alls.
I’m one of those that love to fly. I’ll do anything to go somewhere else. I do however worship Hostess Cupcakes even though I try not to think about how much I love them. Good Luck and happy eating until you leave.
Wave as you freefall over Chicago. I KID…you’ll be fine, get some dramamine, you don’t even need an rx
I hate to fly too! If I have to, I make it a direct flight (’cause I’m only getting in one of those things once today, right?). I stay up most of the night before nervously packing and wandering around the house wondering who will live there after I’m gone. When I get to the airport, I go through Screening immediately, because you never know, I may be carrying a pacifier clip. Then I find the bar and have a glass of wine. Once on the plane, I recite the “Hail Mary” as I attempt to break the hand of any traveling companion. Then another drink and promptly fall asleep. I wake refreshed just before landing (another string of “Hail Mary”s).
The lesson here? DRINK! DON’T SLEEP ‘TIL THE PLANE! DRINK SOME MORE! LEARN THE “HAIL MARY”!
I’m the asshole on the bike. But I don’t have mirrors AND the only reason I do it is because I’m too cheap to pay for gas. But a flying car? Sign me the fuck up.
You bike in your adorable dresses and heels? You are like a magician!
LMAO… someone’s been watching the Rachel Zoe project? I die.
mmmm, Hostess cupcakes…
Thanks for reminding me why flying is so scary…I get on a plane in 4 hours. Good thing I took the dog to the vet yesterday to get some Xanax for me, I mean him…oh and those Southwest Airlines drink coupons come in handy too.
Drugs. I get drugs from my doctor because I’ve found the whole crew and ground security get all up-in-arms if you demand they put the plane down *right now* and it may not be immediate, but they do put it down PDQ. I tried to explain that everything would be fine if they would just let ME fly the plane, or at least let me PRETEND, but they don’t let adults do that – only 5-yr old boys, apparently. That’s ageism. F*ckers.
Here’s to hoping you have a pleasant (or at least a sedated) flight.
International flights are like, totally nice and cozy and you feel as though you are just simply riding along gliding through the sky in total safety.
But everything BUT international flights in shitty little creepy airplanes, when you see birds fucking laughing out your window at the plane taking bets on how far your little idiot plane is going to make it through the sky is so not fun AND life threatening. I hate planes, I hate turbulance.
The last time I flew was with my other half and we hit loads of turbulance and I was freaking out and doing labour breathing and looking at him like if the plane was gonna go down, I was so going to kick the stewardesses ass so when we hit the ground she’d be freaking ugly that way the last woman he ever saw looking sexy would be me. Yeah, it was like that. And he felt so bad for me I got extra cuddles. It worked out….at least we didn’t die or anything. K now I’m going to vomit on my keyboard and have flashbacks about turbulance right before bed. Pfft.
I hate flying. The last time I was on one I yelled at my grandma and uncle because they were talking about the weather and it was only a little windy. I already hate flying so I didn’t really want to listen about how we will maybe have a turbulant flight.
I’ve been flying since I was 8. Mom lived in Massachusetts, Dad lived in Southern California.
I flew a lot. I was also small and naive and completely unaware of the craziness that is the concept of flying.
As an adult, I take the same approach as I did when my stepfather drove well into the rainy night a few years ago- I sleep. I sleep because at least that way, I won’t know that my death and or disfigurement is imminent. I pop on my headphones, shut my eyes and make myself believe I am in the most uncomfortable chair I’ve ever had to sleep in.
I accomplish this by being awake for 3 solid days prior to departure. By then, I can pretty much fall asleep standing up.
(Also? Scarier than flying is airplane bathrooms.)
OMGH! You are my TWIN!
You described to a T my fear of flying!
I almost spontaneously combusted during our flight to and home from Disney 5 years ago…it still makes me nauseous thinking about it!
Last year, one of my readers sent me to the Oprah Show to meet my two other blogging buds that I had never met before….I live in Pa. I took a 35 hour….THIRTY FIVE HOUR train ride to Chicago!
And when people say I am crazy, I say, you know how much I HATE flying when I WELCOMED that 35 hour ticket…come to Mama!
I subscribed! Your rant made me feel comforted!
I know I am not crazy….or at least I have a cohort!
That show IS horrible.
On the plane? DRINK UP!
but what color toenails?
Pink! Of course!
I totally had you pegged for red.
javascript:void(0)My mom says only whores wear red.
If I was flying with you, you would probably kick me in the head, because I do ALL of those things. The only thing I don’t like about flying is that my legs are too long.
I don’t like flying much either. I get all sweaty and actually pray when I’m about to fly. Then God is all like “What the fuck bitch? You only pray when you need something? Kiss my ass!”
And you want to know what really makes me shit my pants? When there is a flight delay, and when you get on the plane the pilot comes on the loud speaker thing to let you know that the delay was due to a mechanical malfunction.
Yeah, like that’s some shit I really want to hear. Thanks! Enjoy this shit smell for the rest of the flight you dick munch!
HAHA – I SO feel the same way. I hate it. And the dialogue going on in my head as I look around at folks is priceless…I wish I could tape it. I’m the girl that likes to talk the ear off of the person that sits next to me. Anything to take my mind of crashing and dying in flames. I’m also proned to grab/grope on accident, the guy next to me, every time there is turbulance. Talk about embarassing, especially if he’s ugly and it’s a long trip. I just can’t help it. It’s like the oh shit bar in the car. hehe. I’m a fan of taking left over Percocet…sigh. Good luck! Love the toe nail color. Don’t grope anyone sitting next to you! hehe
And on that note, I’m going to toast your possibly-soon-to-be-deceased-but-DEFINITELY-always-awesome-to-read self with some of these homemade brownies, and by homemade I mean I mixed them from a box and baked them in my very own oven, cause I’m a gourmet baker like that. And thank you that I’ll have to eat more of them now since I’m eating for my own gluttonous desires and now you too cause you totally deserve homemade brownies and also, God likes homemade brownies, so I’ve already promised to send some to God, but he has to let you live…both ways That’s the deal. I think he’ll take it, cause he likes homemade brownies after a good game of skee ball. I know that cause I’m a Jersey girl and a brownie hound, not in the porno way either. Plus I watch Kevin Smith movies, and anyone that could come up with The Buddy Christ has to have some inside knowledge.
Wow, I think I got the ‘grown up’ pan of brownies. Maybe you should have some of THESE in order to have a mellow flight.
I definitely agree with airplanes…and if i die i am going out with a belly full of cupcakes too
I love flying, especially the force of the G’s on your chest pushing you into your seat as the plane starts to take off and really accelerate. But, I suppose you have that sensation of pressure on your chest the whole time. I’m jealous.
Next Comments →
{ 3 trackbacks }