Ok so, I am here.
In New York City.
It’s super big and kinda smells like pee.
And meth.
I’m not gonna lie, I got into my hotel, took off my bra, and spent the next 30 minutes sitting in the bathtub begging my husband to come get me on the phone. Like, fucking now, OMG, I watch Law & Order, and this shit never ends well. People die. And, they have to solve the crime by rifling through my underwear, and none of that shit is hot anymore. It’s big. And the elastic is all stringy. And they smell like the pizza I ate earlier while sitting on the bed watching Cash Cab.
My legacy can’t be oily, gigantic underwear.
It’s being the world’s best competitive fruit roll up eater.
Because the Chinese can’t win at everything.
{ 39 comments… read them below or add one }
why do you know what meth smells like?
If you are on Cash Cab during this trip I WILL KILL MYSELF.
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;_;
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we would prefer not to be remembered by our old underwear but rather for our inability to dust.
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Oily underpants might be more Law & Order SVU.
Dun dun.
(Is that how you would spell out the law and order sound effect?)
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*pixie* Reply:
October 27th, 2009 at 7:33 pm
That totally works as the Law & Order sound effect.
“We help the victims of giant underwear. These are their stories.”
Dun dun…
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Competative fruit roll up eater…..I smell a challenge
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I never cease to be amazed by you insight into the human condition… wonderful… keep it up… ~MB
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Ooooo…make sure you get some Chinese food. It’s great in the NYC. The best city in the world in my honest opinion. Enjoy it while you’re there and ignore the TV crap…they stay in Brooklyn and Queens mostly.
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barefootfoodie Reply:
November 3rd, 2009 at 9:39 am
I love that my NYC knowledge comes from Law & Order and The Nanny.
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If you wind up dead in granny panties on some random side street in the city, I will totally think of you every time I eat Chinese food. What a legacy you will leave.
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You guys should have just stayed in Boston two nights. Seriously NYC is scary. Especially at night, and even so my mom and I are trying to finagle coming tomorrow night. Good Luck living ’til then and you might want to grab some super cute little underwear from the gift store to hide in your bag just in case. Just kidding, you’ll be fine…
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Hehe. I love this post. You will be fine in midtown. Just dont look anyone in the eye. and tell Anissa to stop being so damn touresty!
Also, nyc usually smells like chinese food. so that’s a plus!
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barefootfoodie Reply:
November 3rd, 2009 at 9:40 am
Oh, you mean the whole being asian with a giant camera and slippers on thing?
hehe.
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I loved NYC. Wanna trade places?? hehe.
What DOES meth smell like, anyway??
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Stuart Little was also filmed in New York.
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Breathe deeply. Oh wait, that’s pot not meth.
Hang in there, babe.
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When I’m in New York I NEVER wear underwear.
Everyone knows NYC thieves skip the jewelry and go right for the designer undies first. Very hot commodity on the black market in China Town these days.
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Some places in NYC definitely smell like pee (the Port Authority bus station and most sidewalks). BUT, there are some really cool parts of it, too (the Carnegie Deli that I told you about and some really kickass museums). Just breathe, find someone really wonderful who will give you a few more cupcakes to calm everything down, or better yet, call room service. Room service is always good. Because they don’t care what you’re wearing (but wear *something*, cuz otherwise you’re gonna hear the boom-chicka-chicka-boom music, and that might be bad, or maybe not….)
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uh, this is nyc, not the mid-west, it’s CRACK not meth. ; )
no seriously, meth is not a big problem here like the rest of the world, rarely see people twitching on the subway…
and yeah, midtown ain’t so dangerous …
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As a native New Yorker (by way of Queens) I can assure you that you have nothing to fear. The shame of your NY experience is that you are staying in the bowels of tourist hell – Times Square. NY-ers don’t frequent TS, tourists do. And yes, tourists can be scary. New York is waaayyy crowded and overwhelming, but honestly no more dangerous than any other place. Plus, right on the corner the hotel you are staying at there is an amazing street vendor that has everything from breakfast sandwiches to Gyros to Fallafel. What other city can offer that? Relax and have fun – it is an AMAZING city.
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New York is awesome. And I’m from a little podunk town in Southeast Texas. If I can love it, you can. Just get out there and enjoy it chica. And no more Law and Order until you get home.
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You never fail to crack me up. Thank you! BTW, how do you know what meth smells like? I smell a story…
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barefootfoodie Reply:
November 3rd, 2009 at 9:42 am
Ummmm…..
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ah, c’mon. it’s not all that bad. is it a nice bath tub at least?
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I love that you are watching Cash Cab while you are in NY.
Maybe you should wear your granny panties on the outside of your clothes while you are there. That way the robbers and bad guys will know up front that you ain’t got nothin’ to steal and they’ll leave you alone.
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I’ve always wanted to go to New York. Does it really smell like pee? That can’t be good.
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This is your big chance to BE on Cash Cab! You shouldn’t be hiding in the bathtub – you should be out on street corners! Trying to look like a good player! Suddenly this sounds bad!
Nevermind.
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Only some places smell like pee. Have you seen anyone actually peeing yet? That’s always fun.
Don’t forget to get a bagel!! We have the best bagels EVER. Seriously.
Just pretend that no one else exists and you’ll be fine. And don’t stop short in the middle of the sidewalk, you’ll cause a traffic jam.
Oh, and see you tonight!
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barefootfoodie Reply:
November 3rd, 2009 at 9:43 am
Can you believe I forgot to get a fucking bagel!? When I am back in August, I am eating my weight in them!
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What about drowning in dirty hot dog water (from those big rolling carts)?? I heard that the dirty hot dog water dissolved DNA…and granny panties.
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I am so excited you’re here! Hoping I get to meet you tonight. I’m nervous and excited all at once!
Please be gentle
http://www.thewannabewahm.com
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Yeah, NYC doesn’t have anything to offer me. Good luck making it out alive! I hope you live to blog another day, because you’re effing hilarious!
And you have kids.
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Ok, but they do have the most awesome pizza ever. So if you die it’ll be from pizza nirvana. Oh, and make sure you goto the Upper East Side so you’ll get killed near all the really rich people cause then the police will take your murder seriously instead of dismissing you after inspecting your underwear. They’ll figure you are a rich person or a friend of a rich person if you’re over there. Trust me, I’m from Jersey. Oh yeah, and the number one survival tip in NYC is a two parter; never look anyone in the eye or seem friendly AT ALL, and second, always look like you know exactly where you’re going and you can kick a mofo’s ass if you have to. Follow this advice, and you will live to eat another pizza. Swear.
ps. always put your purse strap across your body and wear it UNDER your jacket and in case of attack; pinch or bite the underside of their upper arm, it’s super sensitive and you’ll get away.
You’re welcome. Good Luck. Love Ya.
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barefootfoodie Reply:
November 3rd, 2009 at 9:46 am
Ok, I didn’t have to bite anyone, but I totally ate the pizza, and OMG. OM FUCKING G!
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Oh, and a ps on your sight seeing… The Frick Museum. Awesome.
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How I wish I were there with you to soak up some of your anxiety and germs!
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Dude! Like seriously…its my home, but yeah its a shithole! And yeah, Law and Order totally gets their cases from the 17th precinct!
Have fun!
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Sexiest post ever.
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New York City TOTALLY smells like meth.
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don’t tell me that. I have some fanasty about NYC and I really wanna go.
And no one can throw down some fruit roll ups like I can…so its on!
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Damn, your good. What a great blog. Pee and meth had me rolling!
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I agree NY smells like pee!
I featured you in my Sunday Funnies Post: http://tinyurl.com/yzrdjf7
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OMG!! I love Cash Cab and swear that if I am ever in NYC I will stalk all cabs, hail cabs all day, until I find Ben!!!
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New York DOES smell like pee! But not as much as Boston, my god… but then there couldn’t be a more appropriate smell for Boston, in my opinion.
Come back to Chicago, where you already know it doesn’t smell like pee in almost all of the city!
I’m pretty sure your legacy is quite secure with this hilarious blog of yours. And when you die, expectedly or not, the folks at Chipotle will make sure you have a very impressive statue erected somewhere.
—–
P.S. I said “erected”.
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NYC is…loud. And sticky.
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