When I was little, I wanted NOTHING more that to take a bubble bath with Mr. Bubble.
According to the commercials, the bubbles Mr. Bubble produced? Fucking bananas.
But, my mom was, like, Joan Crawford about the Mr. Bubble.
Nyet Mr. Bubble.
She was like, girls can’t use stuff like that, so, naturally, I was convinced it was made with pedophile sperm, and took her at her word.
I mean, the temptation was there, but I was a kid, and who the fuck wants to see an eight year old in maternity pants?
Actually…I do. But only because I bet their little bellies are adorable.
Anyways, like it’s laced with fucking crack, my kids go nuts when they see Mr. Bubble.
And, because I am determined to be a waaaaay cooler mom than my mom, who did selfish things like not let me go to Color Me Badd concerts alone or have sex with hobos who lived in empty train boxcars, I bought them the Mr. Bubble.
Which I totally planned to try out first, because, while I may be old enough to realize it is not, in fact, made with the left over sperm from castrated pedophiles, there had to be some reason my mom was so insane about it.
So, I cleaned my tub, because it was totally nasty, full of hair and bath crayons, and I am convinced my husband pees and blows his nose in the shower, and I need to relax in a clean place.
As I am pouring the stuff in, it is bright pink, and smells like I emptied every bottle of perfume my grandmother ever owned into the tub.
And, while the bubbles are fucking glorious, I quickly realized why my mom would not let me buy this stuff.
It was not made for vaginas.
In fact, as I tried to step into it, my vagina was like, fuuuucccckkkkk no, we are not fucking going in there, just coat me in monostat now and call it a night.
But, I had to.
It was about the principal.
The bath was lovely.
I shaved my legs.
I read a few chapters of Twilight.
And, when I felt I had bathed long enough to make my point, I got out.
That was yesterday.
You know those dogs you see on America’s Funniest Home Videos? The ones who scoot their butts around on the floor, which looks super hilarious, until you realize their are totally wiping their ass on your carpet?
It’s like that.
Only with my vagina.
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I have never heard of that before. Now I will definately not be using it.
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*ouch*
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well wishes for you and you vag.
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Ouch. I feel like that every time I use conventional bath products. So for me it’s Weleda all the way. Fucking expensive but at least I don’t feel like someone stuffed jalapeno poppers in my vajayjay.
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You are freakin’ hilarious!!
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Your mom gave you baths? Lucky.
I was told to go outside, given the dented watering can, the old rusty Brill-O pad from underneath the kitchen sink and a squirt of Dawn.
This was done only in the month January. I went through hundreds of cans of Glade to mask my odor during the other months. The “autumn apple bouquet” scent made my private region smell like tuna cinnamon muffins.
I wasn’t a terribly a popular child.
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Li Reply:
January 28th, 2010 at 7:40 pm
Holy shit I just vomited in my mouth. Why would you tell anybody that? The anonymity of the Internet is not to be abused.
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I love Mr. Bubble and have since I was a small child and I have never had vagina problems!
Maybe I am immune.
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I thought the same thing of Scrubbing Bubbles but alas, those little half-bubble/half-scrubby legs aren’t meant for body parts. Same result, btw.
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barefootfoodie Reply:
November 10th, 2009 at 1:04 pm
This is shocking, because the way those things buzz about in the commercial, you would THINK they would be a good time.
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what a pain in the vagina.
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OMG…You just make me crack up like nobody else in the world!!!
You are just soooo amazingly funny.
Please do stand up comedy!!
Thank you for sharing your talent and giving the world a good chuckle every now and then!
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barefootfoodie Reply:
November 10th, 2009 at 1:06 pm
OMG I would totally do stand up. Except everyone would hate me because I talk with my hands and say LIKE waaaay too much. People would definitely throw tomatoes at me. That really happens, right? Like on the Muppets?
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OMG, Color Me Bad rocked! What ever happened to them? Maybe they took too many baths with Mr. Bubbles. Wonder what it does to their wankers?
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EPIC. FAIL.
Thanks for making my evening worthwhile…
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So your lil precious baby girl is going to hate you when she’s growing up and you tell her No! No Mr Bubbles! It has pedophile sperm in it!
And then she grows up and thinks, pffft my mom’s on crack, it doesn’t have pedophile sperm, I’m gonna take a bath with you sexy Mr Bubbles!
And she’ll learn, the same way you did!
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you are so crazy
I’m still laughing out loud, the description of the bathtub before you cleaned it: PRICELESS!!
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Oh that blows. I get yeast infections from pretty much just LOOKING at penises, soap, thongs, exercise, etc.
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When our vagina’s talk to us why do we refuse to listen. They are almost always right.
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that shit is fucking hilarious!
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And this is why my children think I’m evil and mean. No bubble baths for girls in my house.
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My mom didn’t have the wisdom yours did. As a kid she totally let me have Mr. Bubble. And boy did Mr. Bubble have his way with me. I was rashy for days I believe. NOT a good time. Was a good lesson early on about the dangers of letting bad things near the bajingo.
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Ah, the Va Jay Jay…such a wonderful world of delicate balances and burning itching that makes you change your underwear 7 times day. Who doesnt love it?
Seriously just getting over a wonderful YI…why? Because I get one every fucking month. My VJJ hates me – even when I keep it busy.
Mr. Bubbles = not allowed in my house now, thanks Bananas.
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Once again, I’ve had to shut my office door because I’m laughing so hard reading your posts!
As for the Mr. Bubble, I did use it as a kid…. once. And not only was it not meant for vayjayjays, it wasn’t meant for any part of me… I looked like I had fallen into a bees’ nest, the hives were so big. Two doses of Benedryl and Calamine everywhere before they went down. To this day, when someone gives me bath salts or something like that, I think “Fuckin’ Mr. Bubbles” and throw it away.
Whatever the Hell is in that stuff could be used as chemical warfare on our enemies!
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Oh my God you kill me lmao!! Seriously, it’s so not fair that they tempt you with the whole bubble bath is so relaxing thing and bam it sucks.
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Did you try to pee afterwards? Oh. my. God. It’s like pissing molten lava.
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barefootfoodie Reply:
November 10th, 2009 at 1:07 pm
I peed razors for 4 days.
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OMG! That was SO SO funny! Mostly because I KNOW. Mr. Bubbles is the devil! A smiling pink foamy devil!
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You are a brave, brave woman. And did you let your kids use it?
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i think i’m lost in all of this??? Bubbles do what to the vage???
And isn’t Twilight like every girl’s fantasy. I’m 29 and married but have secretly been wishing for an Edward type to drain me of all my fluids. Ew thats gross.
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I REMEMBER the Mr. Bubble itching. I think I was 4 or 5 — what does that say about the evilness? I think it predisposed me for life.
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I will fucking cut Mr. Bubble for you.
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You know how when you see someone yawn, you start to yawn? Well now MY vagina itches!
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LOL! That is hysterical…and not…all at the same time. I’m sorry your hoochie was itchie.
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omg…I love you for sharing this and I’m so laughing at your pain even though it’s pretty much the most evil thing ever to do…woman to woman. But I blame your writing.
I remember Mr Bubbles, I don’t however remember having a bath with him. I just remember his bubbly little face seducing me into wanting him for my bathtimes. But I can’t recall if I did or not and being that I no longer live in the states Mr Bubbles hasn’t made his evil little way into my kids’ heads. After reading this, that vaginal messer-upper can totally lick my big toe! I can’t be scooting around the house on the carpet with an itchy Vag…that would cramp my style for sure!
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dude, I pee and blow my nose in the shower ALL THE TIME
and I thought your were hardcore
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I haven’t laughed so hard in forever. My mom wouldn’t let me use it either I guess a kid who still called her vagina ” my part my body” until I was about 30 couldn’t be expected to understand the delicate ph of the vagina. Information is power I always say
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Shit. I totally was going to buy my mom and my 15 month old Mr. Bubbles for Christmas as a little dig/fuck off. And now I can’t do that in good conscience. I’m sick enough though that I may still do it and just empty out the Mr. Bubbles and replace it with Aveno bubble bath.
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First time stalker here.
I am DYING at this. DYING! I’m always up for a deep, belly laugh that may or may not result in me pissing myself, but today? The morning after a shit storm? I totally needed this laugh.
Thank you!!
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As a man who does not know your husband (but a man nonetheless), I can tell you that, yes, he IS peeing in the shower.
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Chirtle Reply:
January 28th, 2010 at 7:36 pm
Every female I’ve ever lived with (roommates, girlfriends, whatever) has admitted to peeing in the shower. It’s something a lot of people, male and female, do. I find it weird. But it’s not like there isn’t a ton of soap and water immediately washing it down the drain.
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Putting aside the image of you dragging your vagina across the carpet like a dog, let me join in the assurance that of course your husband is peeing/blowing his nose in the shower. Why wouldn’t he? That’s what the drain is there for.
You gotta clean yourself inside and out! Except for vaginas.
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This explains my childhood. I rarely had bubble baths, and half the time it was just shampoo (and a tad of conditioner that made it work better somehow) in the jacuzzi…. but sometimes I used real bubblebath… and I think that’s what caused the whole ‘burning pee’ thing.
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O wow, this is magical. I feel terrible for your predicament, but god how you explained it to us. So funny thank you!
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Mr.Bubble…been there, done that! Evil bubbles. Savior=Monostat. Never again! Nuff said. Tee-hee-hee.
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Man that sucks for you. I don’t suggest the whole scooting on the carpet thing, you get carpet burns in places you don’t really want them. Don’t ask how I know, just take my word for it.
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You are so freakin’ funny. I think I pissed myself! Keep it up.
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Not all bubble baths are like that, right? I’ve had many in my life with no ill effects (though some have I suppose). I had one using the block stuff from Lush when I was away on holiday and I was absolutely fine. Is this a brand thing?
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Ah….you women want to find liberation so bad…but not liberated enough to enjoy the freedom to pee in the shower…wake me when your dream is over……
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This blog encompasses everything there is to hate about the internet.
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So what can a woman use to take a bubblebath? I’de hate to bring this problem on to an unsuspecting new girlfriend. While we’re on the subject, I used to have this girlfriend that would use soap down there and when we would have sex it made me sting like hell down there. It only happened when she’d use the soap down there. Your thoughts?.
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w/ all sympathy to you and your na-na, did you think to wash or at least rinse after soaking in something that, perfume aside, is probably chemically identical to dishwashing detergent?
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Just use a capful of Suave shampoo all the delight of a great bubble bath with none of the pain afterwards. (caution do NOT use in tub with jets while using jets it causes bubble overflow to the max learned that on a honeymoon in a hotel suite LOL)
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