When I was little, I wanted NOTHING more that to take a bubble bath with Mr. Bubble.
According to the commercials, the bubbles Mr. Bubble produced? Fucking bananas.
But, my mom was, like, Joan Crawford about the Mr. Bubble.
Nyet Mr. Bubble.
She was like, girls can’t use stuff like that, so, naturally, I was convinced it was made with pedophile sperm, and took her at her word.
I mean, the temptation was there, but I was a kid, and who the fuck wants to see an eight year old in maternity pants?
Actually…I do. But only because I bet their little bellies are adorable.
Anyways, like it’s laced with fucking crack, my kids go nuts when they see Mr. Bubble.
And, because I am determined to be a waaaaay cooler mom than my mom, who did selfish things like not let me go to Color Me Badd concerts alone or have sex with hobos who lived in empty train boxcars, I bought them the Mr. Bubble.
Which I totally planned to try out first, because, while I may be old enough to realize it is not, in fact, made with the left over sperm from castrated pedophiles, there had to be some reason my mom was so insane about it.
So, I cleaned my tub, because it was totally nasty, full of hair and bath crayons, and I am convinced my husband pees and blows his nose in the shower, and I need to relax in a clean place.
As I am pouring the stuff in, it is bright pink, and smells like I emptied every bottle of perfume my grandmother ever owned into the tub.
And, while the bubbles are fucking glorious, I quickly realized why my mom would not let me buy this stuff.
It was not made for vaginas.
In fact, as I tried to step into it, my vagina was like, fuuuucccckkkkk no, we are not fucking going in there, just coat me in monostat now and call it a night.
But, I had to.
It was about the principal.
The bath was lovely.
I shaved my legs.
I read a few chapters of Twilight.
And, when I felt I had bathed long enough to make my point, I got out.
That was yesterday.
You know those dogs you see on America’s Funniest Home Videos? The ones who scoot their butts around on the floor, which looks super hilarious, until you realize their are totally wiping their ass on your carpet?
It’s like that.
Only with my vagina.
{ 1 trackback }
{ 100 comments… read them below or add one }
I can’t stop laughing.
OMG.
I can not stop.
[Reply]
If you had only told me before hand what you planned to do I would have told this would happen. This is the very reason I NEVER take baths, only showers.
[Reply]
THANK YOU for the heads up, though I don’t HAVE girls, I have fancied a MR. Bubble or two.
[Reply]
LMMFAO Oh good lord. Good to know, thank you for your sacrifice
[Reply]
Hahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!
I’m sorry, I mean, how awful for you.
Please keep scooting around on the carpet, though. The webcam world is eating this up.
[Reply]
barefootfoodie Reply:
November 10th, 2009 at 9:47 am
There totally has to be a fetish market for this!
[Reply]
Ahhhh…yes that stuff is hard on the vajayjay. Makes you wish you were a man and it was acceptable for us to scratch our genital areas in public. Mr Bubble is EEEEEEEEVVVVVVIIIIIILLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL
[Reply]
Japp Reply:
January 28th, 2010 at 7:30 pm
Are you serious? Men are the ones who AREN’T allowed to do that! It’s considered extremely rude and disgusting to “adjust” yourself, though it’s somewhat bullshit. I mean, imagine having substantial breasts, never wearing a bra, and never being allowed to adjust them in public. Women can do whatever they want, nobody would think you were a pervert or a neanderthal for adjusting/scratching yourself in public.
Also, a woman who wears pants = normal. Man who wears a dress = freak. Double standards usually favor women in 21st century America.
Ignorance!
[Reply]
Oh man, I feel for you, literally had a sympathy burning while reading this! Tell the kids (girls and boys alike) if they want bubbles, eat a few bean burritos before the bath, call it good.
[Reply]
Oh my GOD. Thanks for the warning. And for making me shit myself.
[Reply]
I totally knew where this was going, because I’ve totally been down this road before.
The worst, er, condition I’ve ever had was courtesy some Victoria’s Secret bubble bath that is – surprise – not even available anymore.
Oh. Emm. Gee. I was sure that it did permanent damage and I would never be able to convince a man to go down on me ever again.
Luckily, I was mistaken. A one-two punch with the Monistat and all was right with the world.
[Reply]
KG Reply:
November 6th, 2009 at 5:39 pm
OH MY GOSH! My Victoria Secret bubble bath is half empty, sitting in the corner of my shower, taunting me! its saying “come play with me! i will fuck up your vajayjay!” ((shudder))
[Reply]
barefootfoodie Reply:
November 10th, 2009 at 9:47 am
YES!
VS ANYTHING is equally as deadly to my private parts.
[Reply]
I cringe, I cringe!
[Reply]
I know how you feel
Sucks when parents are right huh?
[Reply]
I almost spit out my drink when I read: But only because I bet their little bellies are adorable.
Sick. And I love it.
[Reply]
barefootfoodie Reply:
November 10th, 2009 at 9:48 am
Dude. Can’t you just picture them in little bikinis with their little pregnant pot bellies? Adorable. Adults never look that cute knocked up.
[Reply]
Japp Reply:
January 28th, 2010 at 7:33 pm
Yet another double standard that favors women: you think a man could say “who the fuck wants to see an eight year old in maternity pants? Actually…I do. But only because I bet their little bellies are adorable” without people thinking he’s a pedophile? A male over the age of 12 can’t even say a child is cute without people (both sexes, but women even more) being creeped out and suspicious.
[Reply]
hahahaha oh that blows! I can’t use Mr Bubble either… I am allergic to something in it that makes my body break out in hives and makes my eyes swell shut. And I can’t use other bubble baths or smelly soaps bc they give me horrible yeast! So now… I have come to terms with good, old fashioned bar soap. Life is not as glorious as I hoped.
[Reply]
Sadly, I knew where this was going at the first sentence too. I can’t even use regular soap or body wash “down there” I’ve gotta use vagisil vag wash. I peel the label off so if anyone peeks in my shower they won’t know what it is.
Who do they make bubble bath for anyway? Not vaginas that’s for sure.
[Reply]
Dude, seriously.
Can we get a video? Not of the bath, but of the scooting?
[Reply]
I’m laughing thinking of your legs up in the air while you scoot yourself around the carpet. Sorry for your, um, problem. Hope it clears up soon.
P.S. that’s why when the kids want bubble baths, I use a little bit of johnson’s baby shampoo . I figure if it is “no tear” it also means “no itch/fire crotch” .
[Reply]
This is a really important public service announcement. I had no idea of the irritation it could cause a vagina. Thank you for letting us know!
[Reply]
barefootfoodie Reply:
November 10th, 2009 at 9:49 am
The more you know.
[Reply]
Oh, I am so sorry. The image of you scooting along on the carpet – priceless! LOL
[Reply]
You really should put a warning at the top of posts like this that says “stop drinking coffee before reading!”
Never had the Mr Bubble experience but holy shit i might require an ambulance since i just spat half a cup of hot coffee in my lap.
[Reply]
My mother would never let my sister and I have that either. Sometimes mums are right. Sucks for your vagina though. Sorry, sistah. But that was freaking hilarious!! (And that fucking vampire series is SUCK a delicious TIMESUCK! Lord.)
[Reply]
Great post – too funny!!!
[Reply]
OMG. This is hilarious.
I can say that because it hasn’t happened to ME.
Yet.
Try Avon’s bubble bath. Get the Soft Pink kind. Me and my kiddos (and our va-jay-jays) can tolerate it just fine. It smells just like Mr. Bubble, too. So you can *almost* have the whole experience.
[Reply]
Rache Reply:
November 6th, 2009 at 6:39 pm
Agreed, avons bubble bath is the absolute best! Personally I like the lavender best.
[Reply]
barefootfoodie Reply:
November 10th, 2009 at 9:50 am
Is it REALLY SUPER BUBBLY though?
Because I want lots of bubbles so I don’t have to look at my thighs in the tub.
[Reply]
Sincerely, Jenni Reply:
November 10th, 2009 at 10:30 am
Super bubbly. Because that lookin’ at your own thighs thing? Meh. Not thrilling.
[Reply]
holy hells bells.
I knew where this was going and still.. the creepy chills all through me. OUCHIE and I SO FEEL your pain.
[Reply]
barefootfoodie Reply:
November 10th, 2009 at 9:51 am
I love that you say HELLS BELLS!
My Opa always said that, and I LOVE it!
[Reply]
you didn’t know that-very bad irritation…oh wait, I don’t have to tell you. But just think, when Gigi is older you will set her straight, she will know why she can’t have Mr. Bubble. Maybe you should video yourself scootching across the floor so you can have a visual to better explain yourself. Because kids totally get stuff when they see it in video form.
[Reply]
Funny you should mention Mr. Bubble and vaginas. My three daughters LOVE this new Mr. Bubble foamy soap. It’s like the bubble bath, but without the pee-pee irritation (um, my daughter’s words). Plus you can squirt it at each other and have major Mr. Bubble foamy fights. I’m just sayin’…
[Reply]
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Should have listened to wise-ole mom. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
[Reply]
Mr. Bubble gave you an STD. There’s a reason there’s no Mrs. Bubble.
[Reply]
barefootfoodie Reply:
November 10th, 2009 at 9:51 am
…
This is why your are one of my BFFs.
[Reply]
I fucking knew it!
[Reply]
That is funniest shit I’ve read in a long time.
[Reply]
Wondering what it does to penises… turns them into a bubble gun?
[Reply]
barefootfoodie Reply:
November 10th, 2009 at 9:52 am
Ok so, the boys used it, and NADA.
I am convinced it’s because their little holes are so small.
Stupid penises.
[Reply]
Uncomfortable. So sorry lady. Thanks for the heads up on the Mr. Bubbles. At least you weren’t in there undissolved bath salt. Talk about not only vag being pissed but your ass too. Mostly your ass would be pissed but your vag would be it’s wingbitch.
Anyway, hope you get comfortable soon.
[Reply]
Oh my. That does not sound like fun. Did you call your mom and tell her she was right? I totally would not have wanted to, but then I would and I would have be like, “what else is there?” I would want the warning before I tried something else she knew was stupid but didn’t really tell me the truth about.
[Reply]
barefootfoodie Reply:
November 10th, 2009 at 9:54 am
Sigh. She reads me, so SHE KNOWS.
Undissolved bath salt? That’s like ass exfoliation! People pay lots of money for that!
[Reply]
absolutely hilarious!!
[Reply]
I was never allowed to take a Mr Bubble bubble bath as a child. When I was older I asked my mother why and she told me ever since I got that UTI the one time I did get a Mr Bubble bubble bath, we never used it again.
I guess the trauma of the UTI was great enough to completely block the memory from my mind.
And my girls have never taken a Mr Bubble bath.
[Reply]
barefootfoodie Reply:
November 10th, 2009 at 9:54 am
The pee? IT BURNS.
[Reply]
Holy. Piss. This is insanity. I *swear* I’m experincing the very thing you wrote about. Today. Because I did the same thing yesterday. With stupid bubbles. And then donned my ghetto fab’lous Mr. Bubbles PJ pants.
[Reply]
Dude, I totally wish we had the “Mr Bubble” talk before you did the carpet scoop. This was one of the few life lessons I could have passed to you (trust me, there aren’t many that don’t involve foreign prisons that I can pass on).
[Reply]
barefootfoodie Reply:
November 10th, 2009 at 9:55 am
Can you just move in with me as a life coach?
WE HAVE A TIM HORTONS!
[Reply]
My mom and your mom must’ve been friends – mine also wouldn’t let me use Mr. Bubble, but I haven’t gotten around to trying it as an adult. Thanks for saving me the trouble!
And thank you for a really good laugh, I really needed that tonight!
[Reply]
BAH HA HA HA HA!!!! I have Tabitha’s son looking at me like I’m a crack head right now because I am laughing so hard at your post. That was one of the best.
And my little sweet girl will never bathe with Mr. Bubble or with any other Mister for that matter.
[Reply]
–>Oh my goodness, you just made me say another prayer of thanks that we have a hot tub and I can get all the bubbles I need without Mr. Bubble interferring.
[Reply]
What are the odds that I would be talking with my friend about this very subject just a couple of hours ago? Pretty far out there, I’d have to say.
[Reply]
You were too blinded by pinkness to see that Mr. Bubble is really one of the many faces of the devil.
The cure for Mr. Bubble vagina is to throw holy water on it while chanting, “the power of Christ compels you.”
You’re welcome.
ps. don’t ask me how I know this, I just do.
[Reply]
OW.
[Reply]
YOU are a dirty dirty girl that needs to take a proper bath, heh.
#vagina
[Reply]
barefootfoodie Reply:
November 10th, 2009 at 9:56 am
I will never bath again.
Bet you’ll never wanna carpool, huh:)
[Reply]
OMG.
I have not laughed out loud at a blog in MONTHS! You the funniest person alive.
No shit.
[Reply]
barefootfoodie Reply:
November 10th, 2009 at 9:56 am
SHUT UP! I love you!
[Reply]
I am also quite unable to stop laughing but believe me when I say I feel your pain….. been there and done that….
[Reply]
I. CANNOT. STOP. LAUGHING!!!
And your mom wasn’t alone.. my mom didn’t let me bathe in Mr.Bubbles either!
[Reply]
There should totally be death as a punishment, for the people selling Mr. Bubble and that are responsible for the advertising geared toward small, female children.
Or maybe if we could just mess with their genitalia and make it itch….
[Reply]
barefootfoodie Reply:
November 10th, 2009 at 1:03 pm
I think we should put crabs in the panties of the Mr. Bubble CEO, and make him walk around with them in there for a WHOLE DAY.
[Reply]
That is hilarous! As I kid I was also banned from Mr. Bubble although my mother told me it was because I was allergic to it. mmmm, I wonder if that was all a lie?! Must find out!
[Reply]
I remember the first time our cat dragged her ass on the carpet. We thought it was hysterical. Until we saw the lovely smudges left behind.
I can’t begin to imagine Mr. Bubble vagina induced smudges. Gah!
[Reply]
OMG that was hilarious….and I’m totally not laughing at you…I’m err..laughing with you!! LMAO
[Reply]