So, in case you are not keeping track, I spent the weekend moving from here…
Our beloved Gilmore Girls House. One tiny, little boy pee covered bathroom. Lots and lots of spiders and old man next door who stole my paper and wore shorts so little his balls hung out the bottom.
To here…
New Mayberry house with more than one bathroom and no spiders or wrinkly old man testes, but has one huge ass pond full of Native American zombies.
Moving has made me come to realize a few things.
1. I am never moving again. I think I’ve said this 900 times over the past 4 days. You could make a drinking game with how often I’ve said that this weekend.
2. Moving shows you who your friends are, because even though people call themselves your friends, they won’t come help you move even though you bribe them with beer and three bags of those tiny marshmallows you found in the cupboard of your old house after a short lived hot chocolate phase you went through to make people think that the steamy stuff in your thermos was coffee, because you are super mature and worldly. No. People are busy doing so called important things like shopping for Christmas and burying dead grandmothers.
3. Moving to a new house is like a New Year resolution. There is no food in it. So, I go to the store to stock my new fridge that isn’t sticky with kool aid and spilled duck sauce, and I am all, ok, this new shiny house means we are only going to eat cute and healthy foods, like the people in magazines do. So, I buy bananas, and oranges, and cottage cheese, and super grainy breads, and pretzels with out salt on them…and next thing I know, I am curled up in the corner licking pretzel rods and dumping sea salt on them as I wait for the pizza guy to get here, because I am fucking starving and there is nothing good to eat in this house.
4. There is no easy way to move your sex drawer when your parents are helping you move.
5. I clearly need a personal assistant, so when I yell things like, get me my Diet Pepsi and brown sugar Pop Tarts, or where the hell did I pack all my striped tube socks or my eating sweatpants, Andy doesn’t flip me off when he thinks I am not looking. I fucking see you, Andy.
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Congratulations on the beautiful new pad.
Side note: I am now adopting into my personal vernacular the term, “eating sweatpants.” Thank you.
You’ll never eat in regular pants again. You’re welcome.
OMG.
In all seriousness, you must be THRILLED!!! It’s so beautiful and so BIG!!! Enjoy it…even though moving is a bitch..enjoy your lovely new home!!
Congrats on the new house! It is gorgeous and I totally would have helped you move if I had known marshmallows were involved. I hope you have plenty of Mommy alone space in the new place
I would have totally helped you move. Well except 1) I dont know where you are and 2) Im allergic to Native American pond water. Sorry…
Wow, it’s gorgeous!! I’d so help you move that “drawer” if I was closer!!
Great house! Congrads and I totally can relate to having more than one bathroom. Our last house not only had one bathroom ( for 5 people) but also had the old fashion tub… yea.. try showering in that ( though it was pretty comical to watch my 6’2 250 lb hubby showering) .. so this house we are in now has 3 bathrooms and mommy and daddy have their own! But… the kids still beg to jacuzzi in my tub LOL
Congratulations! It’s beautiful and I’m jealous.. I’m still in a one bathroom shoebox… and will be as long as I have to live in this god-forsaken state that only crooked politicians, terrorists and hookers for the rich and famous can afford to live in… oh, and Bon Jovi…. he lives here, too.
OK, do you live near 80/90′s rockstar Bon Jovi, or gone country Bon Jovi….’cause the latter would suck.
Dern it, they make sweatpants for eating? I gotta get me some of those. I just wear the regular kind and try to wear a long sweatshirt when I go out in them….to hid the stains, doncha know.
Oh yes. I know!
You are hilarious. That is all. Oh, and when are we getting sushi and/or margaritas? Soon I hope.
OH! Let’s make a date! Ever been to Yokos?
you are hysterical. i feel ya on the old house… we still own our 1 bathroom, spider webbed home that has a ruby red grapefruit tree in the backyard. i have dreams of moving back and putting a second level on, adding additional bathrooms, etc… moving is a constant for us though, so who knows when that’ll happen. looks like you have a beautiful place to now make your own. sex drawer and all.
A ruby red grapefruit tree!? That sounds amazing!
I want a pond with zombies in it:( super jealous!! Moving sucks….everytime I say….THIS IS IT….NEVER AGAIN!! But then…yeah…ugh!
Moving makes my non-existent balls itch. A lot.
If I didn’t know you, I’d hate you because OMFG THAT HOUSE! Though, if you wanted, could you have gotten it with old man testes?
Well, it would have cost extra.
But, really….you can’t put a price tags on old, wrinkly sacs.
The house looks beautiful! I’m looking for my House Warming Party invite! I see a whole new holiday tradition in the future… hint, hint
What a beautiful new house… although I’m kinda obsessed with the cuteness of the yellow house. Congrats!
wow, the house is fantastic! yeh… when we moved, one of my vibrators was sitting between the box spring and the mattress. ummm… that my dad and brother moved. all kinds of awesome.
beautiful new house!!!
Not only did my mother MOVE my sex drawer…SHE CLEANED IT OUT!
Thanks, Mom, I didn’t need those expired condoms anyway..
Your house is making me swoon with envy. Happy Big, Beautiful, Multi-Bathroomed Brand New House Day! That’s effing amazing.
Gorgeous house! But I’m with you, I hate moving but somehow get amnesia about a year later when I get the moving itch again.
And so sorry about the drawer. There is nothing good to be said about moving with a drawer like that, you can’t even hide it in the back of your car!
Home and Garden is awaiting the photo shoot. Call us when your ready.
congrats!
Sigh. I would die. House magazines are like porn to me. You know what else is like porn to me? Porn.
The house is gorgeous.
And, speaking of sex drawers? The last time we moved, I hired a team of 5 burly men. As they came down from the bedroom they all had snickers on their faces. I had no idea why. Until I went up to the bedroom, which was entirely empty except for one thing. One pink thing with batteries sitting where my bed used to be. Whoops.
JILL! I would die. DIE!
And then hide and make all interactions with the movers be done by my husband.
DUDE. Ok, we just bought our dream house & I love it beyond measure and all that, but WOW. You got a mother effing HOUSE. That is beyond gorgeous. Congratulations. I don’t blame you on never moving again. I wouldn’t either if I lived in that place.
Oh, also? Two moves ago, I packed up my sex drawer in advance, and the (professional-ish) movers UNTAPED THE BOX to see what was in it, and then re-labeled where I wrote “master bedroom” and wrote over it: “Personal/Hygiene.” Which, really? Personal, yes. Hygiene, not so much.
I added your blog to bookmarks. And i’ll read your articles more often!
Congrats on the house!
And condolences on the lack of testes.
I have a bunch of retirees here, if you need a volunteer.
There is absolutely no good way to move a sex drawer. When we moved to NJ, we (thought we) packed up all the dirty stuff before the movers came. Got to NJ, started opening boxes, found one labeled “Master Bedroom,” and also labeled, “Toys.” Thought, “WTF? Is it Master bedroom, or is it toys? Where is this box supposed to go, assholes?” Then thought, “Wait. They couldn’t mean…master. bedroom. toys? OMFG.”
Sho’ nuff.
Seems we missed a few (very dirty) things when we were packing up the dirty things.
Then, when we moved across town here (three moves in three years was a sonofabitch), we went into the rental house for one last look around before turning in our keys and realized that we’d left the dirty box in the closet. Do landlords dock your security deposit for leaving the house full of dildos? Or is that included in the non-refundable cleaning fee?
Also, in a largely unrelated note, once you have three kids you can’t really have a naughty “drawer” anymore. You have to put it somewhere at least six feet high and with a lock. Because nobody wants to see a baby running around the house with anal beads.
Oh, and pretty house.
Um, speak for yourself. If anal beads buys me 10 more minutes on twitter, then so be it.
Also, I would think you could use your box of sex toys as a security deposit, who wouldn’t want to get that!?
Moving sucks.
Wow. The house is gorgeous, and I had no idea other people had “eating sweatpants” too. I’ve never paired them with striped socks, but usually that’s because my feet are hot. Pregnancies/breast-feeding whacked my hormones and they never quite came back in terms of temperature regulation, despite the fact that my “baby” is now 4. Pre-pregnancy I was always cold and shivering. Now I could sit buck-ass naked in the snow and still sweat. It’s a curse.
Yeah, no, not jealous AT ALL. I have to go slit myself somewhere now. I just have to keep chanting to myself, “Zombies. She has zombies.” over and over and over.
(nah, really, congrats! And yeah, moving sucks big fat donkey rocks!)
Yeah, no, not jealous AT ALL. I have to go slit myself somewhere now. I just have to keep chanting to myself, “Zombies. She has zombies.” over and over and over.
(nah, really, congrats! And yeah, moving sucks big fat donkey rocks!)
Oh, and don’t worry about all that healthy unedible food… DUH it’s Christmas Season… FOOD BANKS! You’re welcome.
I agree that moving sucks, but the new house is totally worth it. It’s gorgeous!
Yay! Your new house is beautiful!!! I can’t imagine how hard moving must be with 3 children… argh… it’s hard enough when it’s just YOU moving… but with children? Alllllllllllll that stuff? OMG. Stressful! Hard! And the sex drawer. Haha.
Don’t move. Zombie ponds are hard to come by – at least the good ones.
Holy nerds, your new house is totally awesome.
Wow. Fancy pants news house! Congrats!
I really hate the stress involved in moving too, oh and the sex drawer? I totally get it.
The aforementioned is the ONLY reason the parents are never allowed to help move. Important to remember!
Soooo pretty, can we see the INSIDE soon? Or is it like my house which is beautiful on the outside but scary on the inside?
I want some zombie pics too, you got an underwater camera or can you sit outside with your saltless pretzels and catch them emerging from the pond all covered in scum and dead fish parts?
Sure, right now the inside is lovely…but give it time:)
I hear ya on the moving. I never realized how much stuff I had until I had to pack it all up!
And I am quite enjoying all the sex-drawer-moving stories in the comments
That is EXACTLY why I welcome help with the moving from one place to another but NOT packing or unpacking. My husband is in charge of bringing home boxes and packing up his (computer) crap and maybe his clothes. (but maybe not the clothes… sometimes I like to weed out his bajillion clothes so there is SOME room in the closet for me) And maybe he can pack canned food or something.
I pack everything in boxes and label them and then recruit people to carry them to the car and drive them to the new place and carry them inside to the specified room. Then they are to PUT IT DOWN and NOT TOUCH IT AGAIN. Packing and unpacking is the only reason I know where the eff anything is around here.
I don’t like people messing around in my stuff and definitely not in my goodie drawer!
SEE. I would LOVE this system, but it never works that way. He never carries everything in. God, I am getting all stabby just typing about it.
OMG. I may hate you a little. Your old house is bigger than the one I currently have 3 kids crammed in, so your new one definitely is. I’m jealous. And I hate metro Detroit.
In all seriousness, CONGRATS!!
Um. Move here. Now.
Your old house, soooo a Gilmore House. Your new house is GORGEOUS! Fill the pond!
I would’ve helped you moved for marshmellows. Who cares if they’re old. Throw those suckers in some hot cocoa and they are good as fresh.
CONGRATS! it’s beautious
you sooooo deserve a house with more than one bathroom; it’s probably worth having the native american zombies around…
Abso-smurfly gorgeous. I go through the same food drama after each visit to the farmers market. Sure, I’ve got bags and bags of foxy leafy greens, but how do I cover them in bubbling cheese?
Looks like you have some snazzy new digs there. Mazel tov.
It’s true about friends though. When my best friend moved he had all the friends in the world until it was time to bring ALL his stuff down from his third floor old home, drive it 3 hours away and bring up to this third floor new home. Suddenly they were all “out of town” or “vaguely and mysteriously occupied”.
Moving is much easier when you’re married to a military officer. They send people to come to your house, pack all of your stuff, and drive it to the new house. You don’t have to lift a finger!
But last time the military moved us, I DID lift a finger. To my iPhone. To google the name of the moving guy, because he looked like a total child predator. And then…HE WAS! He was totally listed, picture and all, on the molester-alert website. And he was IN MY HOUSE.
Fortunately, we have no children. But it was still super creepy, and when he was packing my clothes, he kept lifting up my dresses to admire them first. Ew.
OMG a sexual predator was your moving guy!? That is insane, and also, the best blog material ever. If you say you caught him smelling your underwear, I will die.
Britty B ~
I fucking love you. Hands. Down. you’ve done it again
FAB POST!!! I love your new house…it’s GORGEOUS!!!
Congrats!!
XOXO
~~You crack me up, girl!
Love your site.
The last time we moved it was from one unit to another in our building, so we didn’t really pack, we just moved stuff as it was. Including my lingerie drawer, that my husband handed to a good male friend of ours to carry.
I don’t think he has looked at me the same since.
No cable, oh what will you do? Maybe spend some time with Andy and the sex drawer????? Do tell!
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