You know what movie didn’t live up to the hype?
Spice World.
Sigh.
Clearly…I didn’t get cable last Thursday.
The line wasn’t run out to my house. Which is, apparently, information they cannot give me on the phone, but rather, make me wait a week for them to come out in person, in the mean time, whoring myself out to every Red Box in the area, until they show up, crush my dreams, and banish me to 7 more days of scratched DVDs and family time.
Tiger Woods cheated on his wife with 90 prostitutes, you say?!
I wouldn’t know, I don’t have cable!
It’s like I am fucking Amish.
Which, we all know, would never work for me, I don’t like hats and beards make my face look fat.
So, we had to order satellite, which freaks me out for a whole host of reasons I won’t even share with you, because, OMG, you will never want to hang out with me ever. Let’s just say, I am pretty sure they make your vagina all numby and Poncherello dies.
But, for Jersey Shore? So totally worth it.
I mean, I love my husband, and I adore my kids, but they aren’t a family of little people, and they don’t flip tables, or call people whores, or sing reworked rock songs on command, or make me feel better about myself because I don’t collect tupperware bins of Precious Moments and braided dog hair, or sleep with spray tanned guido roommates in hot tubs of gonorrhea and swine flu.
And sometimes…I need that.
Or else, I am stuck talking to my mom for hours on the phone about the change, or her recent discovery of the Indigo Girls, and I am like, mom, I don’t want to be a lesbian with you, I just want to watch my fucking stories.
So, yes. We now have satellite.
I was so excited when they finally showed up to install it, I threw my panties at them.
Which was awkward, and the girl was all, you need to stop doing that every time we come out of your crawl space.
Which, by the way, sounds like a code word for vagina.
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It’s like I don’t even know your bitch ass anymore. When you don’t have access to cable you watch “Gilmore Girls” DVDs. Have you learned nothing in life?
Yeah, so when I went through those in 3 days, then what? THEN WHAT SARAH!?
Then what? Invite me to come visit and we’ll watch them all over again. It’s like Christmas every goddamn day.
You could have re-read Twilight again?
Love you, funny girl!
But, that’s how I pass time in the bathroom!
Wait. You DON’T collect tupperware bins of Precious Moments figurines? WTF? Who ARE you?
See, when I look at house to potentially move into, I say, “is this house cable-ready?” Because if I don’t have a way to watch Intervention or TLC: The Little Channel….well, no one wants to know what happens when I can’t watch my talking stories.
Clearly, you should have been my realtor.
I want to meet the person who collects braided dog hair. Oh wait, maybe not. I’m so glad you catch up on your “stories” now… : )
I was waiting on a post about KY like you said!! But this one was super funny anyway..are there spiders in your crawl space? be careful!
Ok, that post is very descriptive, and after 14 days of Candy Land and leggos melting my mind, I didn’t have it in me, but I will post it up tomorrow…ish.
that’s true..Candy Land and Legos zap the mind..I’ll be looking forward to your KY post!
Were your panties clean? Or were they like how they get after you chase three kids around all day and don’t make enough time for yourself to get all the pee wiped before some child screams bloody murder because the other child has just clobbered him in the nuts with your hair brush? Because if they were clean, what’s she bitchin’ about? This is as close to Rock Star as she will ever be! But if they kind of smelled like how popcorn smells, then I can totally understand why she didn’t like that and told you to stop.
Your underwear smells like popcorn!? Like, movie theater popcorn or kettle corn? Because movie theater popcorn smells amazing, but kettle corn smells like old vomit.
Microwave popcorn. The smell makes me sick. A girl in my office eats microwave popcorn every afternoon. I told her it smells like crotch, but she doesn’t care. Yours doesn’t smell like popcorn? That’s odd.
I think I like crawl space more then box, nee-nee and crotch. Hmm……
Mrs Call Me Crazy made me forget what I was going to say with her pee and nuts comments.
But priceless post!
Thank you. Just in general, but also for giving me the term “crawl space”. I plan on giving that to my future kids as their preferred term. “Don’t ever let anyone touch you in the crawl space, ya’ hear?”
You’re welcome. I obviously should have been a health educator.
It you taught sex ed, then I would HAVE to be the DJ for the class. I’ve always thought that the only thing missing from sex ed (besides, obviously, 1) the Barefoot Foodie’s words and phrases and 2) live demos) was music to ease the anxieties that you will BLEED from your crawl space once a month.
I’m probably in the minority, and I don’t mean to offend, but “satellite” sounds very 1989 to me.
“We’ve got satellite, so call me later and I’ll let you know what to bring for the Arsenio party. If I don’t answer, try my carphone.”
How could I take offense to that? That pretty much sounds like the best party ever!
And I am totally using the phrase “car phone” for the rest of the day.
My husband is going to LOVE you for that!
I just want you to know that my husband is a fan of yours and I was reading this post aloud to him. When I got to the part where the girl from the satellite company said, …”you need to stop doing that every time we come out of your crawl space.” , he got a bit turned on.
Just thought you should know…
OMG, this makes me SO UNBELIEVABLY HAPPY.
Crawl Space is the new fetch….and I DON’T CARE WHAT YOU SAY WHEN YOU READ THIS MEGHAN, FETCH IS TOTALLY A COOL WORD TO USE.
My condolences to you…for you clearly do not know the joy that is Verizon FIOS. Satellite, Shmatellite.
And I will now be referring to vaginas as ‘crawl spaces.’ Thank you!
I don’t know how you handled it.
I loved the Indigo Girls when I was in college. Until the music major with the really really short haircut and lots of flannel shirts started hanging around outside my dorm room too much.
HA! I learned the same way.
HA! who needs to watch stories when we have you!?
glad you got the TV thing sorted out. even if it meant throwing your undernothings at strangers- which, by the way… ALWAYS a good way to make friends.
We have no cable. For awhile we had free basic, but then it just *disappeared*. We stream everything now, and the only thing we miss out on is So You Think You Can Dance. But, then again, we do a pretty good rendition of it at our house. My kids are currently dancing to some old Chrish Techno CD I had from the 90′s. Who needs cable?
(Ok, I do. I really really do. It’s too expensive.)
I will never look at my crawl space the same way again.
So…what you’re saying is, if I like the Indigo Girls I should only expect women to be interested in my crawl space? Cause that’s not really how I roll. Not that there’s anything wrong with that…
OMG did you just admit that you like/watch Jersey Shore? Ok, I will come out of the closet too then. It is adicting.
What’s wrong with satellite? We have it. Am I doing something uncool that I didn’t even know about. That would totally explain a lot.
My house is built on sand, therefore my crawl space is all sandy and salty smelling…..no wonder I can’t get any!
I agree, thanks for the new “Crawl Space” term, for vaginas. I can’t wait to use it at work!
Satellite certainly sounds really cool. We just recently upgraded to a tv with HD. But I hate it. Because it is huge and ugly and lives in a huge and ugly armoire that was forced on us by friends and ended up costing us thousands of dollars and lots of headaches and near-divorces to “get it off their hands.” Fuckers. Anyway, I dream of a world where I have flat screens. Until then, I suffer plain old cable taking up way too much space in my house.
I have been waiting to discuss Jersey Shore with you! YAY.
“Or else, I am stuck talking to my mom for hours on the phone about the change, or her recent discovery of the Indigo Girls, and I am like, mom, I don’t want to be a lesbian with you, I just want to watch my fucking stories.”
OMG.
I.die.
Bahaha I love it!
You are awesome. No mom. I don’t want to be a lesbian with you. And crawl space. I am totally stealing that. You can’t really stop me but you can try.
Dude! Satellite is TOTALLY cheaper than cable…well maybe just in my section of the world..so..um…yeah good job!
I soooo advocate the panty throwing because theres no where near enough of it nowadays!
Hmmm crawl space huh? Mmmmm…great. Now I’m turned on…fuck…
you are sooooo craezeeeeee! love your post, although I, too, expected a bloody KY post
)
Crawl space is now my preferred term for my panty parts. And my husband can put his junk in my crawl space! Perfect. It almost sounds like we’re doing something constructive.
The most awesome thing about satelite tv is when its raining really hard….like every fucking day this past summer, it goes on the blink. Yeah that is awesome and the other awesome thing is if the trees are too tall, you know *normal sized trees* as opposed to pygmie sized trees then you can’t have on-demand. That is why satelite rocks the house!
I just got a great visit by the DirectTV guy when we finally caught up to the times and got a new HD tv that required a new HD satelitte. I feel special now.
and yea I could NOT go 14 days with out cable or satellite
I don’t know how to tell you this…but they canceled Jersey Shore. I hope you and your crawl space can find some solace in the Kardashians. My thoughts are with you.
So the satellite peeps were in your ‘crawl space’ the whole time? Is that what happens after three kids?
When we moved into our house, it was the first to be occupied in our whole neighborhood. They expected us to go without phones, internet, and cable for 3 months.
THREE FUCKING MONTHS.
DirecTV came out the next day. My life was saved, and I didn’t even have to give blowjobs to the installer man. SCORE!
–>Do you have Netflix? You can watch crap on demand.
I love having satellite. But I’m waiting for TLC to premiere their show about the family of little people who have multiples, hoard stuff under their beds and live at the Jersey shore….
Are you serious? Crawl space isn’t code for vagina?
Fuck. I’m totally going to jail.
Everyone is talking about Jersye shore, i have yet to see it- but maybe i should log onto MTV.com now…?
I don’t have cable. I don’t even have a t.v.; I KNOW, it’s like the GRAPES OF WRATH up in this piece but listen, I will prostitute myself in hot tubs of gonorrhea and swine flu before I give up my broadband. Because that’s how I watch House, MD on Hulu.com…I mean, work. That is how I work, and if I don’t work my kids won’t eat, and my god won’t somebody PLEASE think of the children!
I had to start watching Jersey shore because I am a Jersey girl and every summer when my state is occupied by big haired peeps from the N to the Y, I die a little.
Although it makes people watching on the boardwalk waaay more fun
You make me laugh out loud every time I read your blog. Thank you for the early Saturday a.m. laughs while my kids are upstairs rotting their brains watching Nick Jr. And now I’m going out for donuts. And maybe some KY Intense. My downstairs needs to be cleaned.
Um…Spice World totally DID NOT disappoint.
i liked spiceworld.
So, I just had to come back and tell you a funny story regarding crawl space….I have shared your posts with my DH and it has replaced the code words, “wanna take a nap?” for sex in my house. We were all fine and good until starting to play the game Apples and Apples with his young adult kids Christmas day. In case you haven’t heard of the game, one card that has a adjective is turned over and every player has to take a noun card that matches it from their hand. The best one that goes with the adj, wins that round.
So, the adjective was Sexy and the DH slaps down his answer……CRAWL SPACE. I spit hot cocoa out through my nose, he is laughing so hard that he literally falls of the chair and his two daughters and one of their BFs are looking at us like we have had too much eggnog. Good Times, thanks to you!
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