Whenever I talk to Andy about my blog, he is all what blog? Or I have no idea what you are talking about? Or My name is Andy, and I am a giant fart face who thinks you need to do more crap around the house instead of writing embarrassing things on the internet that totally nobody reads because you are clearly mentally ill.
Well guess what Andy, people do read me.
Famous people, even.
And also? KY.
No. For real. KY loves me.
Remember how I told you about how my son Wyatt dumped an entire bottle of KY Yours&Mine lube on my bedroom floor, and then my dad slipped in it and almost died?
Well, KY was like, Brittany, it’s almost Christmas. No way in hell can we allow you to go into the holiday season without sex jelly. Please let us replace it.
A Christmas miracle.
It’s like my own personal KY Santa Claus…who looks oddly like my Uncle Dean, who played Santa every year when I was little, and we had to sit on his lap, and he smelled like burnt hair and jingled change in his pocket the whole time.
Only, KY Santa is better, because not only do they not drop things on the floor for me to pick up so they can look down my shirt, but, they also threw in some other fancy schmancy lube called KY Intense.
And I was like, wait, do I have to review this, because I suck at that, and they were like, noooooo. Enjoy!
Which was exciting, except, crap…KY Santa greatly overestimates the sex going on in this house.
Plus, I saw the commercials for this stuff, and when the people used it, shit exploded, and the last thing I want for Christmas is a geyser shooting out of my vagina. That seems intense.
OMG…now I get it.
So anyways. It sat in my car for 2 weeks, tossed in the cup holder amongst the twix wrappers and lottery tickets, and I had to thrice stop the boys from using it as hand lotion.
Then Andy made me bring it into the house, because he thinks having lube in the car is a criminal offense. Apparently.
So, I brought it in, and waited for the kids to ALL NAP AT THE SAME TIME OMG.
And then…
Ok, so here is the deal.
I am going to try to keep things clean here, because for Christmas, I am going to give my dad the gift of not making him pass out when he reads this.
I put on the KY Intense, but never got to use it in a sexual context. Because the gas guy came over to light my fireplace pilot (OMG this could be a porno!).
Ok, so, he lit my pilot, and then went on to talk to me for 800 hours about random shit because we went to high school together, and there is nothing on the planet funner than trying to sit in the living room reminiscing about high school with a quarter size dollop of sex lube between my legs.
So, on the outisde, I was all, totally, good times.
But on the inside, I was like OMG GAS GUY, GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY HOUSE. I am not about to climax while you tell me about how you cheated off of me in Spanish. Jesus Christ.
By the time he left, the kids were up.
I was, however, not able to comfortably sit for like 30 minutes, so I cleaned the entire downstairs and made 3 batches of Christmas cookies.
Andy has never been so excited ever, and almost came on the spot. He wants 10 bottles.
In fact, the only thing making me finish this post and not sit on the couch and rewatch the Glee finale eating Christmas cookies, is the KY Intense I tossed on.
It’s pretty much like Red Bull for your vagina.
**I got free lube in the mail and I used it, consider this shit disclaimed.
I wrote this sex-tastic post while participating in a fun campaign on behalf of K-Y© Brand, while I have been compensated for my time, my words and opinions are completely my own and I have not been paid to publish positive commentary.
Relive my entire K-Y Intimacy Experiment! Day 1, Day 2, Day 3, Day 4, Day 5, Day 6, Day 7, Day 8, Day 9, and Day 10.
For more info on the K-Y Intimacy Experiment, check out the K-Y Couples Place.
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Sold! You need to be a Sex Gel spokeswoman. Or just a great blogger, which you already are. Carry on!
I am clearing my browser history before my husband finds this post.
Thank you for the laugh. I still can’t decide whether ky intense is a good thing or bad, because do I really want to clean the whole house?.
Red Bull for your vagina?! BUYING IT TODAY THANK YOU!
You’re like a Christmas miracle wrapped up in porno goodness.
KY is the awesome. Bought it, tried it, love it.
You have TOTALLY prioritized my shopping list for when I get
back to the U.S. I’ve always been a big KY fan but good grief, girl….
NOW that I’ve been overseas for 8 years and sans my husband for
the last 6 months….I’m sooooo looking forward to a trip to Walmart
on the way back from the airport. Red Bull for the ole Hoo-Hah?!
Yessirree, Bob. I’ll be able to unpack the suitcases, put the kids
down to bed and make up for lost —AHEM!— time in the same night.
YES! BTW, you just did a fantastic review for KY. Maybe you just
have to really believe in the product.
Can I just say “K-Y Intense” and “stocking stuffer” here??? Aaaannnd that’s all I’m sayin’ in case your dad reads the comments, too. Mwah!
OMG now I’m pissed you’re not doing a giveaway because I totally want some of that. Although I’m already pretty traumatized by Astroglide (and this isn’t even about that post I did)…because look, right? As a single mother I just cannot HAVE stuff like that around the house and that is NOT A PROBLEM because the premarital sex and the children do not MIX, but then my ex sued the everloving crap out of me and I got really stressed out and had a fibromyalgia flare and because I’m paranoid about him saying things about my health and fitness as a parents FOR SOME REASON I don’t want to take narcotics at all. Which left me with a whole lot of pain, enough pain to go back on a non-narcotic medication that controls the autoimmune stuff very well, thank you, but makes me fat and also um…well, it causes you to have a “dry mouth,” right, and…this is where I assume that you can extrapolate for yourself right there because if you dad reads your comments *I* don’t want to make him pass out…so anyway I end up purchasing this product for a weekend and I buy it from drugstore.com because I don’t ever go anywhere without kids and again…paranoid…so then it comes in a big box of other household-type stuff and I put the new, unopened bottle in a VERY SAFE PLACE. But then I can’t find it. For a month.
For a MONTH there was a bottle of Astroglide missing in my house, and it wasn’t behind the oven-cleaner or on top of the fridge or in the medicine cabinet behind the eye drops or ANYTHING and OH MY GOD and the other party who I had planned to…have, um…*benefit* from said product was NOT SEEING THE PROBLEM. I was all “MY OLDEST KID CAN READ” and he was all “TELL THEM IT’S TO MAKE DRAWERS SLIDE EASIER” and I was all “BUT WHAT IF THEY ASK WHY IT’S STRAWBERRY FLAVORED???”
I KNOW.
And yet still I kinda wish you were doing a giveaway.
OMG, You make me wanna drive out and buy some right now!!!!
Red Bull for your vagina. I’d say I love you but with that lube action going on… I’ll just cuss you out for making me laugh so hard I choked on my Ghetto Mocha and woke up the munchkin… cause apparently, if Brittany ain’t happy ain’t nobody happy… Just kidding, cause when Brittany ain’t happy, she writes shit that makes the rest of us wet ourselves laughing.
Redbull for you vagina? Sign me the eff up.
Does it have the same ‘Red Bull’ effect on men as well? If so, my fiance is so getting a bottle for Christmas. Keep that shit away from me, I’m comfortable on my couch doing nothing thankyouverymuch.
I am sponsored by Astroglide. OH YES I AM.
Holy Shit Batman! I know what to ask for when I sit on Santa’s lap tonight! I need KY to be a follower of mine too so I can get free sex jelly!
Dammit. Somebody already beat me to the “stocking stuffer” comment.
*sigh*
Well great, I just went and bought the KY his and hers after reading your post about your dad falling in it (which by the way still cracks me up).
I guess I’ll be seeing if Alice.com carries the Red Bull one now.
My husband gives me shit about reading blogs. Cause you know I talk about you guys like I actually know you. He says I need friends. Whatever. He used to do the same shit when I would be on the phone with my sister and we’d be talking about some celebrity cheating on their wife or getting knocked up. So your Andy needs to be happy. At least his wife gets free shit. And he gets homemade cookies.
Do not bring that shit to LA.
I’ll take 5! OMG! Totally going to buy some on my way home! Vaginal Red Bull FTW!
Girl, I just want some free dog food. I don’t how many times I’m supposed to write I LOVE PEDIGREE on my blog. Sheesh.
OMG, do you think it would work for men too? Like if they rubbed it on their private parts, would they finally fix the garage door and change some light bulbs? If so, I need a case.
So basically what you are saying is if I need to find the energy to get up off my lazy ass and clean house all I need to do is smear some of that stuff between my legs??? I may just have to buy it then. Whatever it takes to motivate you to clean I say.
Oh my crap. I have to stop reading your posts at work. I’ll get fired!
I think that I just pee’d my pants. I wonder when Victoria’s Secret is going to hook up with Depends and make sexy undergarments? I think that I could use that….along with the KY!
CANNOT. STOP. LAUGHING.
umm…yes, please.
hmm. I was with you until the Red Bull thing. I got super drunk on Red Bull and Vodka on my 21st birthday and now Red Bull makes me barf. Still. So, I dunno if I want my vagina barfing.
OR DO I?!
I….umm….so here’s the thing…fuck…I don’t even know what to say to this. I will think of something when I stop giggling like a 14 year old boy.
Next thing you know Red Bull will be contacting you-hopefully they won’t want you to compare your KY experience with an actual Red Bull experience…because ewwww.
omg best. review. ever. totally going to have to buy DF KY now for Christmas. Expect a thank you card in the mail from him
Yea, we liked it too….
So…um, this Intense stuff? Does it hurt less than the Yours and Mine crap that nearly burned off my hooha?
Damnit, and I was just at Costco! At least I remembered to stock up on AA batteries.
*snickers*
your poor dad.
I just told my husband what I want for a stocking stuffer.
I was reading your post in the car on my IPhone and laughing. My husband asks what so funny? I tell him and he does a U Turn and turns into Target. He parks and jumps out, doesnt say anyting. Comes back 3 minutes later with small bag and giant smile. I guess I will have to report back. I ask him what made him do that, he says “You had me at Red Bull”.
*wipes tears*
Jesusfuckingchrist.
Cannot.even.handle.how.horrid.this.is.for.your.dad.
Does it come in different flavors, cuz I sort of don’t like Red Bull.
Red Bull for my vagina. Totally my new catch phrase.
dude, i so hope they sell this in canada. good god. I laughed so hard, got a little jealous, and then laughed again. You’re so funny. Thnks.
Now I know what someont is gettin’ in their stocking!
Shame you are married, I could use a good teacher!
my vagina has been pestering me for some new sex gel. And since this sounds orgasm in a bottle type of wonderful maybe Ill put a bottle in MY stocking…and just pretend it came from Santa.
Now THIS is what I was waiting for…excellent post..still in tears hahahaha
I need to say that I am an avid reader of your blog. I love it! I am not an avid commenter, sorry. But I just had to comment this time b/c I had to thank you. My hubby read this post. And do you know what was waiting for me when I got home from work? Yup, that’s right. You convinced him to go out on his lunch hour and buy a bottle of KY Intense.
So thank you.
This stuff is amazing!
Enough said.
Reading the comments, and I’ll I can think is, “Look at you Brittany, you’re changing the world, one hilarious post at a time.”
So KY can consider themselves reviewed, sounds awesome I have loved the yours and mine stuff but hadn’t made the $$ leap to the intense but I may just have to know after reading this post!
and PS how did I not know our son’s names were the same?
You are the funniest woman….I nearly peed myself reading this!!!
My husband is going to LOVE his stocking stuffer this year!
Now that is a freebie my husband could totally get behind, if you know what I mean… ;-P
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