The best gifts. EVER.

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Guess what.

There are only 4 days until Christmas.

And that means, if you haven’t bought your gifts yet, you are so screwed, because online shopping won’t get here in time, and the mall smells like a hot, sweaty, bowel movement.

Now, I didn’t do a gift guide like a lot of other bloggers, because you probably don’t even like the same weird shit I do, and I prefer to passively aggressively tell my husband what I want for Christmas in person, usually when his balls are within squeezing distance.

But, it’s the holiday season, and I feel charitable to all you poor sacs who still have people to buy for, so I put together, um, actually a pretty sweet ass gift guide, of the last minute nature.

You’re welcome.

1.  Kittens.  They are totally free.  Get in your car, look for a sign with poor penmanship in the lawn of a house with lots of old lawnmowers and a broke down Trans-Am sitting out front.  Preferably one with either an eagle or a Confederate flag on the hood. The lawnmowers and stuff may look trashy, but it just means there are lots of places for cats to have unprotected sex.

2.  Puzzles.  Adults love puzzles.  Find a great picture.  Like the very last non digital one your mom and your grandma had taken together before she died the very next day.  Cut it up in puzzle shapes.  Put it in an envelope.  Label it something exciting like, The Last Puzzle of Grandma to EVER Exist, EVER!  Boom.  Done. They don’t even have to be pictures.  You can make puzzles out of anything.  W9s, wills, rebate checks from the giant TV your husband just bought that he didn’t know came in the mail yet.  If you can cut it up with a dull pair of kitchen scissors, it can be a puzzle.

3.  Jars of Soup.  I see this shit all over Target, jars of soup mix with pretty bows and ridiculous prices.  Go into your pantry, and by pantry, I mean, cupboard where you keep the Kool Aid and Lowery Salt, and dump every dry ingredient you have into a clean jar.  Label it Soup from Homeless kids.  Be all, I bought it from this AMAZING charity, and when they open it to smell it, even if it smells like balls, they’ll be like, awwww, homeless kids are so cute.

4.  The gift of Music.  Old people love when younger people sing and dance around, reminding them of all the shit they can’t do anymore without falling or pooping themselves.  Harmonize and choreograph a totally appropriate song, like Paradise City by Guns N Roses or Get Low by Lil Jon (but don’t use the word crunk because old people do not know what that means).  When you get to the point where you are unbuttoning your pants, and your father in law is all, this is making me really uncomfortable, be like, YOUR FACE IS MAKING ME UNCOMFORTABLE.   Jesus, I love Christmas.

5.  Me.  Instantly.  FOR REALS.

You can do other creative things like framing art your kid paints or making coupons for hugs, but everybody secretly hates that shit, they just won’t tell you to your face.