I have anxiety disorder.
I am panicky, and anxious, and I spazz out really, really easily.
I am not rational or logical. Ever.
When I get sick, it’s always on Friday night, so I have the whole entire weekend to rationalize why I am probably dying.
It’s a good time.
So, the night before Christmas Eve, I went to bed feeling crappy.
My right boob hurt.
So, I laid in bed, doing my half-assed version of a self breast exam, which pretty much consisted of me pulling on my nipple, all pissed it’s numb and not at all arousable anymore thanks to babies and standing too close to the microwave when I make nachos, and I felt something.
A lump something.
And, my heart sunk, and my hands got clammy, and I went over that spot on my breast until it was bright red and it didn’t even feel like my own boob anymore, but rather, some weird leather sack of marbles.
It was 2am.
Who do you call at 2am, on what is now, officially, Christmas Eve, to tell you found a lump in your breast?
I sat up in my bed, full of my small, angelic little babies because their new rooms are still too spooky to sleep in, and spent the next 4 hours tapping away at Dr. Blackberry as visions of breast cancer danced through my head.
Because, that’s what it means, right?
I found a lump in my good for nothing breast, and now all I can do is cry, alone, at 2am, because the thought of not growing old with my husband, or seeing my children grow up is incomprehensible to me.
Never mind that breast cancer isn’t a death sentence, or that 80 some odd percentage of lumps turn out to be anything but breast cancer.
At 2am. On Christmas Eve. My reality was, that the scary lump in my right breast was bad. Really, really bad.
I thought about the women I know with breast cancer. The ones who have beaten it. The ones who haven’t. The ones I talk to on twitter, or see on TV.
I quickly realize. I am not as strong as these women.
I am fat and lazy and great at pop culture trivia and making pancakes, but I am not good at fighting things like cancer.
And then I thought, who the fuck is?
Suzzane Sommer.
She is super good at fighting cancer. And getting eye lifts.
But, all her saggy neck skin totally looks like a clitoris.
I called my doctor, and he convinced me it’s Mastitis, and an after Christmas office visit and feel up confirmed it.
Which makes sense, now, in the light of day.
Of course, I felt stupid.
But, not as stupid as this one time in my very early twenties, when I went to bed still kinda stoned, and I half dreamed that my brother had gotten into a car accident with that girl who played Six Lemeure from Blossom.
My dad was so pissed when I called him at 4am.
Sigh. It’s a good thing Mayim Bialik is so super smart, because I saw her on What Not To Wear, and girl had some wicked side burns and baby bangs from hell.
{ 60 comments… read them below or add one }
Glad you’re in the clear.
Also glad someone else thinks old lady necks look like vaginas.
Omg! I love how you can be obsessing over breastcancer one second and then talking about Blossom the next. Ah blossom. And the weird thing is that I was totally thinking about that show on the weekend because my sixteen year old kid said “Whoa” just like Joey Lawrence used to and I was all, holy shit, that show was really awesome in a cheesy way. And then I remembered that Joey Lawrence is bald now, which is totally hot. Plus, I’m sure your boobs wouldn’t go all cancer-y on you when your babies are so little. That would just be too douchy of them.
OMG!! Are you living in my fucking head? I have a hurt boob too! Doc today. No more google self diagnosis. It doesn’t help my anxiety disorder either
I know I should be sorry about your boob and your mastitis but all I can focus on is the “numb and not at all arousable anymore thanks to babies ” part of this post while I sob into my coffee.
Good thing you’re a mama, cause now it’s your job to worry. I know this cause I am one. And because every time I cough I’m positive I have lung cancer from 25 years of being a slave to cigarettes. Somehow, you still have boobs and I’m still breathing. But you totally could have called me. I’d have gotten it. And, I was still up.
I don’t blame you for jumping to bad conclusions. Having mastitis sucks. I had it when I nursed my last baby. Hope you feel better soon and glad everything was fine.
Holy shit woman – you are hilarious. I know I tell you that every time. But I think I may have just wet myself. And not in the normal, my girlfriend is effing hot kind of way, but more in the I was laughing so hard that urine MAY OR MAY NOT have escaped.
So glad its just Mastitis. I would have freaked out, also. Especially at 2 a.m. On Christmas Eve.
I’ve been convinced I’ve been in the throes of a heart attack for 2 weeks now. It’s been a fun-filled 2 weeks, let me tell you. Paranoid panic attacks FTW!
Glad it was just mastitis. Which is kind of like saying glad it’s only gonorrhea. It sucks, no matter.
Ok, I totally never tell anybody this story but….A few years ago I was sitting at work with my hand on my thigh and OH MY GOD I FELT A LUMP. I know who gets thigh cancer, right? I pressed and prodded for a couple hours trying to convince myself to go into the bathroom to see how big it really was. Go, no don’t go, go, no don’t go…. I finally got up the courage to take a quick look. IT WAS A FREAKIN DRYER SHEET STUCK BETWEEN MY LEG AND MY JEANS! There’s some perspective for ya, at least you had a real lump.
P.S. Dr. Google is evil!
OMG I totally did the same thing!! Nobody tells you that your boobs can get all lumpy when they are filled with milk ( I ended up with Mastitis in both breasts and it sucked). So the first time that happened was also in the middle of the night and I was sobbing because I had just delivered a new baby and now my boobs were filled with lumpy breast cancer. The hormones may or may not have contributed as I also thought my uterus was falling out when I passed a really big blood clot. Oh well…LOL…glad I’m not alone:)
I had my own cancer scare this christmas, and I had the EXACT same thought process, though Anissa was my gauge. I laid in bed while sick as a dog, waiting for the Dr. to call back and tell me that the grapefruit in my pelvis was actually killing me, or was just simply hanging out looking for a good time, and I thought to myself about Anissa’s husband’s blogs about what a fighter she is and how she can move mountains…
I can’t move mountains. I’ve never really had to fight for anything in my life. How in the world could I fight cancer? I don’t have a clue how…
Thankfully, that grapefruit IS just looking for a good time… which I intend to give it when I send it on to pathology in a few weeks!
I’m so glad to hear that it wasnt cancer! I have those same “anxiety ” issues. I finally went and talked to someone about it, before I went crazy. It really opened my eyes. I have some books, but I deal with it on my own now , and much better than I did a year ago. My advice is yoga. It really helps me.
i saw that episode! she looked like complete ass. i can say that because i, too, was stricken with baby bangs after my last kid was born. she’s nearly two and they’ve finally grown out enough that when i wear my hair in a ponytail i look more like grandpa munster than mayim bialik. thank god.
I have a problem with anti-persperant (and that is probably spelled wrong) and it makes my underarms get all hard and sore and it happens all the time and every single time it makes me think I have cancer even though I know that is not what it is. They go away after I switch brands or lay off of it for a few days.
ugh! this is the worst.
i went through something like that… for 8 months… and about 100 doctors’ appointments and maybe 4 or 5 ultrasounds later only confirmed that my 6-10 lumps are benign cysts i can’t do anything about because they’re too small to drain or remove.
so i’m totally all about the crying and not getting out of bed and eating 1 pizza in bed a day because fuck it, you know? and then waking up the sleepy boyfriend to make him touch a lump on a numb boob and be like “SEE THIS?! YEAH. DEATH” and he’s all “baby. sleep time.”
sending some positive boob vibes your way, darling.
See, I get all panicked because something bad happens like I bleed out all over the place and then, rather than going to the doctor because it might be cancer? I DO NOTHING. Because, obviously.
“I am fat and lazy and great at pop culture trivia and making pancakes, but I am not good at fighting things like cancer.” Wow, sounds like something I would say. Glad it was nothing serious. Happy New Year!
I’m glad Santa came through and the only scary lump he left you with was coal.
mastitis is still no fun, so I’m glad you got your lump checked out even if you thought you were being paranoid
also, I’m very glad you mentioned numb nipples. my husband thinks I’m making it up when I tell him that mine don’t appreciate his attention like they used to, and that I’m just trying to seem un-arrousable so that I can get some sleep.
I am such a freak that I won’t even do that damn exam myself, so I can’t blame ya. The twins, as I call them, are just way too important to be left to amateurs and do the self check makes me feel dirty somehow:)
I am totally going to call you to commiserate when I get sick in the future (most likely this week, because it is the flu season and germs are growing at a rapid rate). My mom still makes fun of me from the time I thought I had the Hunta Virus. So what if that disease was caused from inhaling mouse droppings…I was CONVINCED. She, on the other hand, was too busy to care as I lay coughing (whooping?) with a fever (Scarlett?).
I’m not sure whether to laugh or cry right now. Maybe I will just carress my own breasts and be thankful they aren’t lumpy.
baby girl, I had the same irrational breast-cancer-scare-thanks-to-nursing-boob-lumps about a month ago. I lay in bed, weeping, clutching my child to my cancer-ridden bosom, explaining to my husband all the things I wanted him to be sure to tell her about me after I was dead and gone.
Looks like I’m still here. Cancer-free. As breastfeeding actually LOWERS the risk of breast cancer.
Mastitis, WHO KNEW?!
Forget curing cancer, there needs to be a cure for Clitoris neck.
Glad it isn’t – but if it were, somehow I think you’d beat the livin’ shit out of it.
and I saw that episode of WNTW too – she’s a frickin’ nuclear physisist to boot!
Totally glad its nothing MAJOR but I sympathize. I have been there (twice) and was as nervous…. ugh, being a woman SUCKS! But then again, if I was a guy I would probably convince myself I had ball cancer!
Oy. Allow me to breathe again.
I’m so glad it was nothing too serious. I had a similar issue while breastfeeding my daughter. I was scared to death!
I totally forgot about Blossom and her friend Six. All I can remember were their big flower hats.
Oh, mastitis sucks! I had it with my first when he was two weeks old and I thought I was dying and could not even take care of him. Most women I know get it at some point, even though the books say like only 5% of mothers do. Shows you how much the experts know.
OH! Same thing happened to me. In the shower, big ol’ lump, broke out into a sweat, cried a little, life passed before my eyes, imagined my newborn being raised by an impatient and angry stepmom and then yes….it was a plugged milk duct. Just massaged that bitch away. Definitely I am too weak to handle cancer.
UGH I got mastitis (did I spell that right?) while we were CAMPING. Worst 5 hour ride home EVER. Hmm I should blog about that, that was quite a trip!
Ack! This exact thing happened to a friend of mine in university. She stormed into my room at like 3am demanding I do a breast exam. Sure enough there was a lump there. It was a long 5 hours till the clinic opened up and it was declared to be a side effect of antibiotics. It’s so easy to go “there” though when something like that happens. Glad it was nothing too serious!
OMG, you made me laugh out loud with your clitoris neck comment… I’m not sure what Mastitis is, but now I’m going to look it up so I don’t look so stupid… Thanks for enhancing my vocabulary! For the record, I would react EXACTLY the same way you did. No worries. Glad to hear you’re not dying. What would we do without the barefootfoodie??
Isn’t Dr. Blackberry really just a second year medical student who would recommend vaginal rejuevenation for a clitoris neck.?
I’ve had myself convinced there’s a lump in my left breast for months. Except I only feel it right before my period starts, which is coincidentally when I start lactating again.
Yep, 4 years later i’m still lactating. I’m all about giving hope to new moms.
My point? Today I know it’s a milk duct, next week I’ll be hyperventilating, too.
Merry Christmas, yo.
–>I hate to laugh at your anxiousness but that was funny to read.
I never understood why Six was called Six on that show either.
In my opinionation, I would’ve freaked out too.
Whatever, I just wanted to work “opinionation” into my comment.
Which won’t even make sense unless you remember the theme song.
God, where are my fishnets, top hat and baby grand when I need them?
You really are a freak! Of course it’s mastitis!!! Aren’t you breastfeeding?
Thanks God it’s nothing and now you can move on to worrying about other things… like why the hell were you dreaming about Six and why doesn’t Stacey from what not to wear dye that white streak in her hair?
Luv ya!
I am Barefoot Foodie’s lumpy breast. I am Jack’s scarred up liver.
I do the same thing, freaking out and then thinking I’m silly later on. But knowing that doesn’t stop the freaking out when it happens.
Happy New Year to the funniest girl on earth and to her family, from the coldest region in Michigan!
Not that the middle of the night is the time for rational thinking but most cancerous lumps are not painful… that’s why they’re so tricky.
Once I freaked out thinking I had Orchitis. Dr Google was CERTAIN. Turns out it is inflamed testicles and last time I checked I only had my husbands as earrings.
{seriously, I would have freaked the hell out. See, you are way stronger than me, that counts for something right?}
I’m glad it’s not breast cancer. I just went through that whole thing, stage 1 not in the lymph nodes. it was found on my mammogram though. I was not able to feel the lump and either was my surgeon. I went on to have 4 chemo treatments and 38 radiations and now I have to take tamoxifen for 5 years…..I was 41 at diagnosis. Imagine my anger when I read the new guidelines for mammograms! If I had followed the guidelines, I would’ve never made it to 50! I’ve had my year after mammo and I have a clean bill of health now and I’m hoping that it doesn’t ever come back!
Sigh….
Why DO men get so pissy when you wake them in the middle of the night with the details of your recently discovered terminal disease?
They just don’t get it.
I am very glad it turned out to be nothing serious. From one panic-disordered person to another, this entry made complete sense to me and I would have done the same thing.
*Two notes to self: 1.Do your own breast exams and stop relying on the husband because he’s totally not doing it right. 2.Set the TiVo to record “What Not to Wear” because I cannot *BELIEVE* I missed that episode.
I’m sorry I’m so stuck on you saying that Suzzane Sommer’s neck skin looks like a clitoris that I can’t even think straight.
Whew! Dont ever scare me like that…damn!
OK, so I would total feel weird about talking about my breasts to my dad…icky-ness!
Glad you’re ok home skillet!
You have full permission to perform back alley plastic surgery on me if I ever develop clitneck.
Even on Blossom, with stylists, Mayim Bialik’s look was questionable. But Six? Six was always the coolest best friend ever. I mean, besides Cherry on Punky Brewster.
previously fryorclan @ blogspot lol… I feel ya girl. Last year I had a mastitis infection and I was all swollen and purple and CONVINCED that I had this RARE form of breast cancer that is fast spreading and would kill me. I had myself dead and buried and the hubster remarried! lmao…. it was hysterical!
I am glad you are ok!