2009 was weird.
Like, good weird and crappy weird.
Financial ups and downs, babies, new ventures, unexpected illness, the Gosselin divorce (Hello! Left field!), New Moon, unexplainable loss, GLEE, vasectomies, I don’t know…lots of stuff happened.
I know most people enter the new year with resolutions. Working out, eating better, drinking less, more reading, better sex.
It’s just all a bit ridiculous to me.
Especially since half of the assholes who make those resolutions will be in the car in front of me waiting for their large fry at McDonalds by March.
Last New Year’s I pledged to eat more good (read: tasty) food and not be a douche bag.
I had a 50% success rate.
I’m gonna put that in the win column.
As for my 2010 resolutions? I am not going to make any.
Of course I want this year to be even awesomer, but I am not going to set myself up for failure.
I mean, I might as well promise to grow a hymen in 2010, because I am that unlikely to keep any resolution I make.
Plus gyms as assholes about refunding memberships.
And Target won’t let you return yoga pants with built in underwear after you peel off the protective paper vagina guard thing.
{ 45 comments… read them below or add one }
I’ve resolved to gain weight so I don’t fail.
DID YOU SAY FRENCH FRIES?
I think I just found my New Year’s resolution: “eat more good food”. I like it.
So were you 25% less douchey and ate 25% tastier food? I’m trying to figure out that 50% success rate thing.
I had a zero success rate on the douchiness.
I am with Pixie, where did ya get 50%? Is that some kinda fuzzy math thing?
“grow a hymen”, I just spit out my Diet Coke. Too funny!
Amen, sister!
I’m going to start smoking and grow a penis. A HUGE one.
Okay, better get to it. Wish me luck.
I have a feeling this is going to be a stellar year for you.
you’re totally calling me an asshole here, right. Well, lucky you, I’ll share my fries WITH you.
Word! I’ve already failed at my weightloss resolution. Who was chowing down on a peanut butter sandwich and Cracker Barrel biscuits after everyone went to bed? Oh yeah…that was me.
I am vowing to forgive myself in getting too wrapped up in someone I shouldn’t have and try my damnest to forget his sorry ass…
Well…that’s fair. And cryptic.
I deserve everything I got out of that relationship…and though I regret the direction it took, and kicking myself in the ass for allowing myself to get so wrapped up in him, it did make me a better person for it…well that’s what I hopefully can tell myself after time will help me forget him. And as for being cryptic…he too is a fan of yours and doesn’t deserve to know I am even giving him any second thought…
I’m pretty sure you’re my new hero. I stumbled across your blog the other day, and you’ve been making me laugh ridiculously hard ever since.
I commend you on your efforts to not make resolutions. Resolutions usually suck anyway.
They do suck. I think they were made up by the people who make zoloft.
In all honesty, historians will remember 2009 as the introduction of GLEE into the world, as the beginning of an era.
A horrible, terrible era.
…
Resolutions are for the suckiest suckers in The Land of Suckers.
I’m sure you don’t want to hear this but I’m being totally stereotypical and going to resolve to do all those things you said at the beginning (well except for the reading part, oh and maybe the sex part….) If only you could see my fat ass. Trust me, it’s hard to miss.
Dude, this third one broke my body. I don’t know if recovery is possible for me.
“grow a hymen” was the highlight of my day. Love reading you.
ha. vagina guard.
My resolution is to get you to sleep with a cat.
Done. I don’t want to find a video of this on youtube.
LMAO. You are too funny.
I actually made a resolution this year because I think I will do it: do some decorating around my house.
If I fail…..oh well, I’ll just carry it over to the next year.
My resolution is to find me some of those fancy yoga pants with the built-in underwear so I don’t have to walk around all underwearless.
They are pretty cool. It’s like the little banana hammock insert thing in men’s bathing suits. Totally makes me wanna have a penis to put in there.
–>My resolution is to eat chocolate in front of everyone who is dieting. I figure I’m likely to keep it for the year and have a good time because there will be More Of Me To Love by 2011.
~deb
They have yoga pants with built-in undies? How did I not know this?
The one year that I didn’t make resolutions, I actually did better at them than any other year. I just decided there were things I wanted to work at slowly, and by the end of the year, I was pretty happy with myself.
However, after Baby #3, I still have at least 35 lbs to lose. So I HAVE to resolve to lose weight. Especially since I had gestaitonal diabetes and I’m too scared to take the after test to see if I’m still diabetic because I’m so fat that I probably am. But I’m not a crazy who is going to starve myself and join a gym. I’m breastfeeding, so I’m still ALWAYS hungry so starving myself won’t work. I have a treadmill in the basement and I’m just going to try to use it more. We’ll see how it goes!
i’m resolving not to suck (too much). it’s a sliding scale thing, so i pretty much can’t lose.
Just don’t take the vagina guard thing out. Simple.
Wait, Target has yoga pants with built-in underwear? I want some!
I don’t like to make new years resolutions because….well I’m just to feckin’ awesome for shit like that ‘k?! Alright fine, I suck. If I resolve to lose weight I do so with a piece of cake in my mouth. If I say I’ll excersise more, I do so holding the remote. If I say I’ll have better sex this year it’s usually while having sex and lemme tell ya…that doesn’t go down too well right at that very moment. Mostly that gets me at having less sex which makes me cranky and well, I just can’t be dealin with that.
So maybe this year I’ll resolve to just keep my big fat mouth shut… yeah that could work. For like…3 entire minutes
Why would you want yoga pants with built in underwear?
My New Years resolution is to call more people Douche Bags.
2009 kicked my ASS. It was the year I got divorced and lived on Food Stamps. But then it was ALSO the year I got engaged to the love of my life and rediscovered my blogging mojo. 2010 is gonna be AWESOME! I can feel it in my bones…
now these are all resolutions i can get behind. I am disappointed in Target. I mean, big deal, right?
Built in underwear? Awesome. I always wished I had boobs small enough to wear those “hidden shelf bra” shirts. As opposed to reality in which I look like a (somewhat) saggy porn star! But built in underwear can look good on anyone, right?
Wait, hold on, Target has Yoga pants with built in underwear. What the hell. I’m also not making any resolutions because I don’t like setting myself up for failure.
Typo: “Plus gyms as assholes about refunding memberships.”
And penises are okay, but scrotums, geez, what kind of design concept is that? External pouch containing 12 godzillion nerve cells: fun .001% of the time, a liability the rest of the time.
I made a resolution that I would fuck up at least twice within the first 24 hours of 2010. I satisfied the requirement…five fold…FML.
My resolution was to lose weight….
I gave birth on January 21st
success