I want to be comfortable being naked in front of people.
Not like, watch me rub up on this pole naked.
More like, sure, let’s have day time sex…with the shades open…and no covers…with out my tank top on…screaming every five seconds “just look me in the eyes, dammit!”
Andy tells me I am sexy, but I mean, really, what are his other options?
Artificial rubbery vagina?
Those are creepy, and what’s a vagina without episiotomy scars and two day old stubble because your kids won’t leave you alone long enough to shave?
Amateur.
But, when it comes to my fear of public nakedness, I blame Hollister.
I shopped there once in college.
Have you ever been?
What, no desire to buy overpriced, elf size, pseudo surfer clothes from sparkly teenagers who look like they just got done having sex, that get paid to ignore you and make you feel poor and fat?
Clearly, you are missing out.
So, I went there looking for jeans.
I headed over to the dressing rooms, and holy shit, there were none. Just one big unisex room.
It was like gym class.
Only everyone else was way younger, and I had on my big, comfy period panties.
I can’t take off my pants, and do my chubby person wiggle into a pair of tiny jeans, in my ratty menstruation underwear, in front of teenage boys.
Or that creepy middle aged guy standing in the corner with a hoodie in front of his lap.
So, what do you do?
Well, if you are me, you stare at everyone’s privates until they all get uncomfortable and leave.
Except the middle aged dude, he’s in it to win it.
Then, you strip down to your gigantic underwear, try the jeans on, they don’t go any further than your knees, you peel them off, tell the fitting room attendant they all should be ashamed of themselves, because that whole experience was like a bloody porno, and then spend the rest of the day drowning your sorrows in your Jumba Juice.
And then, all these years later, you won’t get naked in front of others, because no matter where you are, whether you are menstruating or not…that creepy, sweaty dude in the corner will always be there watching you.
Thanks a lot, Hollister.
{ 70 comments… read them below or add one }
Seriously? A large Unisex change room? Why not have a group of cheerleaders in the corner talking about stealing your boyfriend and a bunch of sports guys taping some nerds buns together and just call the store ‘highschool’?? That’s shameful. Good call on staring at people’s junk to make them leave. I would so do that too. And maybe point and giggle a little.
It’s a good thing I’ve never shopped at Hollister. No way in hell I’m taking my clothes off in front of a bunch of teenagers to buy overpriced, crappy quality clothes. Not happening.
OMG I am so glad I dont shop at Hollister and ya know what.. I think I saw that creepy guy at Target the other day LOL
–>Just added another store to the list of ones I’ll Never Go In. It’s right behind Ann Taylor Loft now.
I don’t even know what Hollister is – and clearly I DON’T WANT TO! GAH!
Hollister scares the shit out of me, too, but I still shop there. Just not for pants. God only knows the emotional wreckage I’d be if I tried on a pair of their pants. As is, I have to buy all the shirts in a size “large Betty,” which is the same as a size “small-rest-of-the-fucking-world.” But the shirts are super cute so I suck it up.
Anyway, my brother used to be a shirtless model/greeter for Abercrombie, which is owned by the same people as Hollister, and they ACTUALLY only hire attractive people to work in the public eye. They accept very few interviews, and instead have a person who just recruits any hot, skinny people who happen to shop there.
So no, you’re not stoned, the workers are ACTUALLY designed to make you feel like an unshaven, lumpy piece of shit. They’re no bigger than a size 2, all have gorgeous, bleached blonde surfer babe hair, and many wear false eyelashes because “makeup counts!”
Fuck me.
I went into Hollister once to get a necklace I saw on the mannequin. but clearly I was too old and too fat to even look at accessories. I felt so uncomfortable I muttered something about “Uh, I don’t think this is what my niece wanted…” and sulked away. Damn store.
I am scared to be naked because of YOUR trip to hollesters. How effed up is that. Although I think I know creepy old man he sounds like my brother in law (shudders).
I forgot I think the real reason I am afraid of naked timeis I am a giant fat girl who is still carrying babbby weight from my forst pregenacy even though it was nearly 7 yrs ago!
Man, America is just…bizzare-o. You won’t let gay people get married but encourage orgies at your local retail outlets.
Dude…Hollister? Trumped. If you really want to feel bad about yourself go to Abercrombie.
Nothing says, “I don’t belong here” more than taking a cell phone picture of the naked-from-the-waist-up seventeen year old male cashier and immediately posting it to Facebook.
I will come back to comment when I can form a full sentence about this. I just…I don’t…what the fuck. This is why teenagers are so borked these days. I’m blaming it solely on Hollister and all other stores like it.
I cannot shop at stores like that at all. And Abercrombie & Fitch? Totally the same store just with a different set of sexed up teenagers working there.
My sister gave me a gift card there when i was in college…I only fit into the XL clothes. Seriously. Their sizes are hideously elf sized.
I was like way scared of Hollister before this (why exactly does it have to be dark in there, at least the one at our mall), and now I will definitely never venture in. Thanks for the warning.
Holy.Shit. Thats all.
I will fly my ratty (and unwashed) period panties on a flag pole in a show of solidarity. That’s why they invented online shopping. Blech.
That sounds almost worse than high school gym class. Especially now that I’m many, many pounds heavier and adorned in stretch marks. I don’t think we have a Hollister around here, but I now know to stay far away if I ever see one.
I worked there in High School. Worst experience EVER. I spent most of my time working in the stock room, because that’s where they hide the less attractive people. Seriously.
Also, one day I was working the fitting room and a woman came up to me and said “What jeans are you wearing? They’d look good on my daughter. She has big legs just like you do”
That pretty much sums up working at Hollister.
I can’t shop there cause I’m not a Betty and I’m too old.
Hollister scares me. I went in there once to try to find a shirt for my cousin/god daughter and left after like 2 minutes. I was so intimidated. I’m now glad I never had to try anything on there or I may be right there with you.
Well that’s a mortifying experience if I ever heard of one. You poor thing. I’ve never even walked into a Hollister. I am totally missing out!
hahahahahahahahaha. I fucking LOVE that! Who has a change room like that? FREAKS I say! FREAKS!!!!
Well at least you are with it enough to get in the door. Damn store took me five minutes to figure out how to even find the entrance what with all the partially opened shutters. Fuckers.
Yeah, me too. WTF!
OMG! I thought that was just me! I ended up making a complete jack ass of myself trying to get in the door to get a gift card for my niece. Once I figured out how to get in, I made the mistake of asking a size 2 blonde bitchy 14 year old if there was a power-outage because it was so freakin’ dark. She sniffed disdainfully and muttered “creepy” under her breath. I was so pissed off that I wanted to cry, but instead just let loose some church-house creeper gas on the way out the door. (I was pregnant and lactose-intolerant, and had eaten ice cream for lunch—-I’m pretty sure some of those kids have yet to recover.) “Creepy?! Oh yeah?! Smell you later, bitches.”
This brought tears to my eyes, I was laughing so hard! Funniest thing I’ve read in years!
unisex changing room??? wtf!!!! I’ve never even heard of such a thing. is that legal?? of course you’re gonna have the token creepy dude – i can’t believe teenage girls would do that to themselves
Are you serious? Unisex fitting rooms? Never. NEVER!
Hollister. It makes me sad. Not only because I can’t fit into any of the clothes, but because I don’t want my kids to dress like kids dress today. My fear is it will only get worse when they are teens.
Signed – Oldest 35 year old in the world.
I went in there once when my oldest was still in a stroller. I learned it’s not a place for strollers, and a place that doesn’t have room for strollers is not a place for me.
That’s why I petitioned the Diamond Club to move their spoogy chairs so I could fit the stroller in to see the nekkid ladies.
Holy Crapola. They have a unisex dressing room???? My daughter is never, ever going there.
Geez…that’s creepy.
i tried to shop at hollister once, but i never made it in the door because i got bitch slapped by the cologne stank wafting out the door. true story.
you always make me laugh.
Amen. I can always tell when I’m approaching Hollister or Abercrombie because A) you can smell them at 50 paces and B) the floor on that level of the mall is vibrating because the music is blaring so loudly.
OMG!!! That was hilarious! I just found your blog…I am new to the bloggy world..just started mine..
I hate those stores! I hate the smell of them how they play the music so load that there is no way anyone in their 30s or 40s would even walk through the door unless they are with there kids or nieces/nephews. I had no idea they had a dressing room like that…that is weird! But I love how you handled it. Go Girly!
JUST TRY GOING TO HOLLISTER DURING BATHING SUIT SEASON! IT WILL LEAVE YOU SO SCARRED THAT YOU WILL ONLY BE ABLE TO TYPE IN CAPS!
i cross to the other side of the mall when i see a hollister. never been inside, don’t plan on starting now.
Holy Shit.
You had me sweating in empathy as you described your experience.
No way would I ever do that.
Hell, I can’t even take my coat off and try on a parka in front of the mirrors in J.C. Penny by the coat section without therapy.
Holy crap?! Seriously? THey don’t have individual changing rooms? That is NUTS! Freaking SICK! I’ve never set foot in there, most likely because I’ve been rendered unconscious by the gallons of cologne they pump into you the minute you step within 20 miles of the place!
I got a pink Hollister t-shirt for Christmas. I opened it, held it up, and said, “Oh. I’m 35.” Assuming that was explanation enough. Like saying “I’m allergic to shellfish” or “We can’t find a babysitter.”
Last year it was Forever 21.
So…nothing in that dressing room you could use to make that 3-walled, clothes-still-on-hangers yurt, then?
I have no idea what this Hollister is, but thanks for the warning! I don’t even like regular fitting rooms because I’m convinced people can see me through that little crack in the door.
I’m going to avoid that place like the plague. I’m already unreasonably modest and I don’t even have anything like that experience to blame it on – just my jiggly post-baby belly.
Okay, I’m in tears I’m laughing so hard. My husband is sitting next to me assuming I’m crazy … or blog obsessed. but I digress.
I’ve never heard of Hollister but doesn’t sound like this 30+ mom of 2 with the c-section scars to prove it ever wants to go to a place like that. Group dressing room? so not okay!
As for anyone seeing me in my skivies, I said good bye to those days shortly after my wedding… afterwhich I seemed to curiously gain 20lbs. what thaa?!
Hollister? What am I missing?? Not only have I never shopped at Hollister but I have never even heard of it and I am in the middle of New York City !!
Your post is hysterical as always!! Love it.
Sadie
I ventured in there 2 years ago to buy a Christmas gift for my 15 year old sister. Yah I was 9 months pregnant with my DD and my belly knocked a stack of hoodies off the table. I got the glare of death from some pre-pubescent long haired human (I couldn’t tell if it was a boy or girl) Then it asked me what I was looking for and if I was shopping for “a chick or a DUUUUDE” It was the most bizarre shopping experience of my life and that store smelled like hell. I’ll never go back into Hellister that’s for sure.
I was already boycotting Abercrombie after an incident back in my skinny high school days where I went in to ask if they had a size 7 and was told that they’d “have to check the back for … THOSE … sizes.”
I’ve never been in a Hollister changing room, mainly because I’ve never found anything in there that doesn’t have a freaking eagle or whatever their stupid mascot is on it and I will NOT be a walking billboard. But, after this horror story … you can bet I’ll not only never be in the communal shower …er … changing area … NOR tripping over their weird slanted entrance again!
“What, no desire to buy overpriced, elf size, pseudo surfer clothes from sparkly teenagers who look like they just got done having sex, that get paid to ignore you and make you feel poor and fat?”
BWAA HAAA HAAA!
Seriously though, earlier this week, I threw it out onto Facebook that I needed a really really great pair of jeans, and was repeatedly referred to Buckle. I went there today, and I was all “hey, I have these long legs which are a problem to fit, plus I’ve had twins therefore a muffin top and I prefer a dark rinse” and within 10 minutes I was in a dressing room with about 18 pairs of truly awesome jeans. Find out if you have a Buckle. And go there. With $150+.
I second The Buckle recommendation! Expensive but well worth it. Although last time I was there I did feel a bit old. Their customer service is also great.
Hmm. I sort of like the idea of being all nude and stuff in front of strangers with my vagina hanging out in the open air dressing room.
Ahhh…
Anyone else agree? Anyone? Hello?
I’ve never been in a Hollister but I am TOTALLY going in the next time I’m at the mall. I’ll be sure to wear my mom jeans and be pushing my double stroller and have all three kids with me. I’ll bumble around for a while before declaring all their stuff complete shit and walk out.
Ashley, Drink first. Or after. Because seriously, no matter how secure you are, they are masters at making you feel fat, poor, uncool, and old.
Dude, I will totally go to the nearest Hollister and throw red, sticky paint on those hot, thin, sexy people.
Or…..maybe I’ll come home with a date, who knows.
Just laughed until I cried. I love you! And EWWWWWWW….how creepy is that dressing room?! My niece shops there and I am totally telling her Mother on her. Who knew it was a peep show back there?!
damn.
OMG. I am so old I NEVER shopped there. I would be horrified and feel like I needed to write my congressman or something. That is insane. Is that what all those crazy young’uns do?
Really, I am in shock. I would have died. Right there.
A unisex changeroom is just wrong. I was once forced to use a group one, but it was in a shop that only sold female clothing.
And I’ve been in that “jeans up to your knees” situations – when the size shoudl fit, but apparently your thighs have decided to go up about 3 size classes, and this particular brand wants you to feel BAD about yourself.
Shame on them!
bwhahahahaha! Are you fucking kidding me? NO DRESSING ROOMS?! I hate tiny clothes
You are so much braver than me, I cannot even go into those stores anymore with out getting a complex!
I included you in the Sunday Funnies this week: http://tinyurl.com/yhub64y
I shopped at Hollister in college. It smells so good in there and the clothes are adorable. Unfortunately, the large fit me when in weighed 115. Also the fitting rooms 5 years ago were semi private with curtains over the doorway. But they didn’t cover the entire doorway so I am sure someone saw my goodies…And the posters in the doorway-you know the giant sized hottie with no shirt on, make me practically drool.