You know what, mom?
I just remembered something, and I am pissed.
Every Christmas you would buy me a Holiday Barbie.
Which was so super fun, because you totally wouldn’t let me open them or interact with them in any fucking way because, one day, they would be worth a bajillion dollars.
Which is like, the most perfect gift, ever…for a seven year old.
Barbies I can’t fucking touch.
Brilliant.
For six years, you got me these Barbies.
But it was worth it, because I was going to buy a limo with a television in the back, a pink pocket rocker, and possibly one of those giant pianos from the movie Big.
And then, years passed, and I wanted to start letting boys feel me up in the comfort of my own room, so I packed them away, because you can’t get fingered by boys when there are Barbies next to your bed.
I forgot about them.
Plus, dad put them up in the attic, and I won’t go up there because it’s haunted and smells like dead guy.
But then, yesterday, I was dicking around on ebay looking for something with a Jesus fish on it for my weirdo evangelist cousin’s birthday, and I saw this…
I KNOW!
I have, like, six of those fuckers!
So, when I tell you, mom, that I want to list them up on ebay so I can invest the money and then buy either alpacas or one of those diamond bras from Victoria Secret (those come in DDD, right?), and you are all, who knows if we even kept those things…
Of course I am gonna flip out.
Because I was a kid, and I could have spent my Christmas’ playing with fun shit like Popples or Hot Looks Dolls.
Not boxes of crap I was never allowed to touch.
What good are Barbies if you can’t take their clothes off and make them have sex with NKOTB dolls?
The answer is not good, mom.
Not good at all.
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you’ll be able to touch the alpacas, right?
My sister and I found my mom’s old Shirley Temple doll in my grandmother’s attic when we were little, and we destroyed the poor thing. Little did we know that if we had held onto it, we could have sold it on ebay for a cajillion dollars. Why couldn’t my mother have been psychic and told us to play nice with the doll? It’s all her fault.
Holy fuck batman! Ok like seriously, if your Mom didn’t keep those, cos she got like memory lapse and was sorting shit out in their attic and was all ”omg Brittany never even opened the freaking boxes!” then got all offended and gave them away to CHARITY I will personally flip out for you. Especially if it was to make room for some old photo shit boxes of worthless keepsakes.
I have a dusty box full of beanie babies. As does everyone else in the damn world. I’m glad your torture (if you can find them) will pay off.
Seriously? I just laughed so hard I almost dropped my iPhone in the toilet. Don’t judge me that I read your blog while on the pot. It is the only time I can be alone, IF you don’t count the fact that I can see little stubby fingers poking under the door and hear my four year old saying “Mom, are you going peepee or poop? Do you know that dinosaurs poop too? I saw it on Dinosur train. Everyone eats so everyone poops. And gariels are a cousin to the alligator and the boys blow snot bubbles to attract the girls. I learned that at zoo school. And Mom….and then…and then…and Mom….Um, Mom….Mommy….Can you hear me? …..At preschool, they told us that alligators don’t really eat Monkeys who tease. And Mom….Mama….um….hi.”
When they learn to write, they start sliding notes under the door. Then, they bring the cat over and want you to tease him with string from your side.
I seriously considered duct tape as a parenting solution tonight. It’s nights like this that I realize that I need a little (wee tiny) break from my beautiful, amazing children….
Just got home from girl’s night and am drunk e-mailing/blogging/responding. Life is beautiful.
Damn I wish I had kept my dolls pristine! Instead I did totally put them in compromising positions with Ken. Oops!
OMG I wish you were my next door neighbor or sat next to me at work. I’d never be sad or depressed because you are sooo fucking funny!!
Why are you SO FUNNY? OMG. Such a brilliant hilarious post. ALWAYS! SO TRUE. OMG. I so hope you find your Barbies again!!!!
My Barbies totally fucked anything with what appeared to be a gender bender, because really? Whose peepee disappears like that when they put underwear on?!
And the KNOTB dolls!? OMG. DIED. So funny.
My mother stole one of my Barbies one Christmas and gave it to my brother. I’m scarred for life. And it definitely wasn’t worth $400 either.
I have…like…30 fancy Barbies under my bed. You think I could get enough to buy a fucking car and get my ass out of the swamp? I’d totally get a bumper sticker that said “Paid For By Barbie”.
My grandmother and I were JUST having this conversation five minutes ago!
She said, “Remember that Barbie I’d never let you play with? Wonder if I could buy a six pack with that yet?”
Wait so I don’t get it. Did your Mom get rid of them or do you still have them?
Sadie at heyMamas
What the WHAT!?
holy shit, I have boxes of those things. Way back to like 1990.
I had an original Barbie, blond pony tail with the original striped black swim suit. I also had her glamorous evening wear, the gold brocade long strapless gown with matching full length coat with the ‘mink’ collar. I sold her and the clothes to a doll store for $1500 – and this was about 15 years ago. I was divorced and under-employed and I was elated to have to cash. I had a long-standing grudge against my mother, too, because she gave my other Barbies, Ken and Shirley Temple dolls to my niece without asking me, and, of course, they were trashed. I couldn’t bear to look at e-bay and see what they are going for now!
no JOKE> i got those little fuckers every christmas from the time I was 8 until i was in my mid-teens…..im calling my mom righthisminute and having her list them for me on ebay!
Being that we already seem to be sharing factors regarding I am going to be sooo rich. As soon as I can find someone who isn’t afraid of ghosts or things that smell barfy. — Barefoot Foodie, with the quantity of current scams nowadays, it can be rather hard to trust an opportunity once you obtain one. Some will promise you thousands of dollars every month for a minimal fee but end up going incognito as soon as you make that investment.
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