You know what, mom?
I just remembered something, and I am pissed.
Every Christmas you would buy me a Holiday Barbie.
Which was so super fun, because you totally wouldn’t let me open them or interact with them in any fucking way because, one day, they would be worth a bajillion dollars.
Which is like, the most perfect gift, ever…for a seven year old.
Barbies I can’t fucking touch.
Brilliant.
For six years, you got me these Barbies.
But it was worth it, because I was going to buy a limo with a television in the back, a pink pocket rocker, and possibly one of those giant pianos from the movie Big.
And then, years passed, and I wanted to start letting boys feel me up in the comfort of my own room, so I packed them away, because you can’t get fingered by boys when there are Barbies next to your bed.
I forgot about them.
Plus, dad put them up in the attic, and I won’t go up there because it’s haunted and smells like dead guy.
But then, yesterday, I was dicking around on ebay looking for something with a Jesus fish on it for my weirdo evangelist cousin’s birthday, and I saw this…
I KNOW!
I have, like, six of those fuckers!
So, when I tell you, mom, that I want to list them up on ebay so I can invest the money and then buy either alpacas or one of those diamond bras from Victoria Secret (those come in DDD, right?), and you are all, who knows if we even kept those things…
Of course I am gonna flip out.
Because I was a kid, and I could have spent my Christmas’ playing with fun shit like Popples or Hot Looks Dolls.
Not boxes of crap I was never allowed to touch.
What good are Barbies if you can’t take their clothes off and make them have sex with NKOTB dolls?
The answer is not good, mom.
Not good at all.
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If you get Alpacas, can I help you name them?
Well….. It looks like your mom has get intentions and shitty suck ass follow through.
ps- my brothers ALWAYS scalped my barbies. My collection was like a box full of angry skinhead dyke barbies.
fucking hilarious…especially the fingered by boys part
I want to know why exactly did they make lingerie for Barbies? What kind of NKOTB lovin’ whore was she?
Your mention of Popples (I was obsessed with them as a child) makes my entire week.
I have an entire set of “collectibles” my mom mentioned would be valuable one day, but she wont let me see any of that “value;” she wants to hang on to them instead. I think I am going to add them under the assets column of my next mortgage application.
Maybe I will buy my niece a zsu zsu pet for her birthday and require her to keep it in the package as an investment.
I have the entire collection. Maybe I can make enough to kill a credit card.
LMAO!!! It’s good to know that my Barbie dolls weren’t the only whores out there, because they were all getting it on with Jordan & Donnie.
Popples, now there’s a toy I haven’t seen in FOREVER!
My dad boxed up my Barbie Ferrari while I was playing with it. Literally took it out of my hands. Other stuff went in that box too. And now, well… Well we’re not rich yet, that’s for sure. He has no idea where they are now. Grrrr
Okay, I have 5 huge boxes of Barbies still in the box (I never got to play with them either), and I’m totally digging through them! I even have Bob Mackie Barbies, bi-otch! LOL
And ZOMG! Pocket Rockers?! I totally got busted in the 3rd grade for bringing mine to school and having it go off in class…nothing like a little Debbie Gibson to piss a teacher off! LMAO
this made me snort laughing!!!! so funny!
Oohhh… not good at all. We have cabbage patch dolls my mom wouldnt even let us play with cuz it took her 4 hrs in line to buy ONE doll and so she had to bring 2 friends w/ her to be able to buy us each one… did she save em? NOPE!
I have to laugh because I buy my daughter shit like that BUT I couldn’t give a flyin f if she opened them. But she WON’T! She leaves them in the boxes, maybe she is smarter than meh. eh.
Victoria’s Secret want us to look all big chested, just not BE big chested, btw. I used to wear only VS and then I had my daughter and went from a cute little C cup to a DD. Yeah, not only do they NOT have DD’s they only even sell the single D’s in a couple of not-so-sexy models. IE: Go with the Alpacas. Here’s a bonus, if you hate someone, you invite em over to see your Alpacas cause they stand a really good chance of being spit on. Just sayin’… cause, ya know, I would never do something like that. *winkwink*
Alpacas are mean and not worth the barbie trade in. Have you ever had a run in with a real live alpaca? A spitting, snorting, stomping, charging alpaca? Those bastards should be called altackas.
My barbies totally had sex with NKOTB dolls. They were groupie whores.
That sucks. But who in their right mind would spend $400 on a freakin’ Barbie? Oh wait, I guess the “right mind” part isn’t necessary.
I used to pop the heads off my Barbies and leave the decapitated heads floating in the bathtub. Maybe I wasn’t in my right mind, either.
So funny! Mom better find those dolls. Or maybe she just doesn’t want you to have alpacas….
I never got Barbies I couldn’t touch for Christmas. I was always getting boring regular Barbies that I would make have sex with my Michael Jackson doll because I never got a Ken doll ever, mom.
And FYI? Michael Jackson doll? Pretty fucking creepy. Talk about scarring a kid for life.
What is an Alpaca? And why is it that because you want one – now I want one? Gosh, you are so much cooler than most people. Me included.
she totally already sold them
I’m with Christina – oh the joy of popples.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lzzHB-cQVO8
My Barbies were total junkies. They laid around naked all day long and had sex with whatever other toys were around. Barbie and the Rockers were especially slutty. I think the redhead even shagged Optimus Prime.
Dude, my stepdad totally paid for a trip to Italy for himself and my mom by selling his unopened Star Wars toys from the 70′s. People are so goddamn weird.
Hey, even though my daughter played the hell out of her original Little Ponies and Strawberry Shortcakes…she still just sold them on Ebay for big bucks too! Nostalgia PAYS!!!
I loved Popples! I would have never even remembered them if you hadn’t mentioned it. Too funny!
I had one of those Blythe dolls that when you pull the string it blinks and it’s eyes change colors. One in good condition sells for $600+ on ebay. I kick myself daily for not leaving it in the box. Also, I never should have given my people pants to Mike Feener. He was just not worthy of the awesome that was my people pants.
I love it!!
My mother in law gave my 5yo a Millennium Princess Barbie for her birthday. It sadly sits on the shelf, still in its box and my daughter does NOT understand why I won’t let her play with it. How do I explain to her that crap like that only happens once every 1000 yrs? oh well…….
sooo…did she find the gold mine barbies?
I wonder what my Baby First Step is worth…I know exactly where that doll is.
Totally had a white pocket rocker until some bitch on the bus dropped it…my tiffany tape never played again. and i may or may not have my popple hidden in the kids stuffed animal bin
One of the gazillion times we were moving the box with my barbies and some other dolls flew out of the truck and landed in a lake. I guess I at least know where they are.
the beauty of growing up poor. A good Christmas you would get socks and some bars of soap. Although my mom never insisted that I save them mint in the box.
OMG. I had an NKOTB doll- it was Joey McIntyre and he was CONSTANTLY banging my Barbies. What a horndog. I think he even hit it with Skipper once or twice.
But my Barbies were stupid and none of them thought to be a police Barbie or Lawyer Barbie, so they didn’t prosecute. They just stayed barefoot and preggo.
It’s a miracle that I am a functioning member of society.
My mother used to buy holiday barbies for me…but I was…ummm…like 18 when she started? Weird hobby to try to start up so late in the game.
So did she get her ass up in that attic and find them like, pronto? Cause, damn girl!
Speaking of toys that will be worth millions in three more centuries, want to know what I have? Four gigantic plastic bins full of Beanie Babies. Yep, those little bastards are in mint condition and ready to make Momma a rich woman! I’m sorry! What’s that you say? They’re actually worth LESS than what I originally bought them for? Because everyone has them? Oops. This is why my daughter will eventually have to buy a secondhand David’s Bridal wedding dress on Craigslist. But thanks for kickin’ it old school with the Popples. I bet THOSE are worth something. Or probably not.
Oh, I remember those Barbies. In fact, I was just visiting family and my aunt gave me two Little People Christmas toy sets for my son. But then she said “They’re commemorative. Maybe you shouldn’t let him have them.”
Well, that’s just super. Off to ebay.
I definitely did not see that coming. I can’t believe those things are actually worth something. Amazing.
Oh man, I felt so weird doing anything in my parents house. Even when I moved out, I couldn’t do anything ’cause the bed made me things of there house. I had to buy a new bed!
My Mom used to get me Madame Alexander dolls which I now wish she had insisted I keep in good condition since I could probably hit the e-bay score as well. Instead, I played with them and they’re all missing shoes and have hair like rats’ nests. Attractive!
Those suckers better be in the attic, huh? Haha.
Before you brave ghosts and barf check completed listings on eBay to make sure those things actually SELL for that much? Anybody can list it and ask a price but you don’t know if anyone will buy it for that much. However, if you see them sold??? Hold your nose and run to the attic! Hell I will come do it for you….. for a price
I still get those barbies every year for Christmas. I have 1 or 2 boxes full of them. Even when I was younger I didn’t mind having them in the boxes.
If it helps at all, I have my beloved and much cherished Barbie dolls, most of which would have been worth something, notwithstanding the fact that I played with them. Would have been but aren’t because my younger sister played with them when I got “too old.” She chopped their hair off and drew tatoos and things on their bodies in permanent ink. I think she even pulled a head or two off. Clearly, these acts were a display of violent hostility toward me, her beloved and much despised sister.
So, now those dolls are worthless but do serve as excellent reminders to stay away from my sister when she has scissors or other sharp objects in her hand…
My mom did the same with Cabbage Patch Dolls….well guess what…I played with it anyhow!
I just found your blog through a friend’s blogroll… And, I laughed my ass off at your post! My uncle bought me tons of holiday barbies, year after year. My mom wouldn’t let me open them either. I don’t know where they are right now… but you can rest assured, I will find them! (Though my mom is NOTORIOUS for throwing away old things that mean a lot to her children)… I’ll have to call her in the morning and see if she still has them.
Also, my cousin and I totally used to make our barbies have sex with the Joe NKOTB doll. Then, we broke his leg off in the act… We had to lie and tell my mom that the “expensive new Joe doll” she bought broke accidentally while we were pretending he was an olympic gymnast! LOL. Thanks for helping me remember that. It gave me a good laugh.
I was always sooo jealous of my friend because she got a Holiday barbie every year. Granted, we totally tore those boxes up immediately, but still. She also had every one of these Gone with the Wind dolls. All of the Scarlett’s in different outfits and what’s his name … the “frankly don’t give a damn” guy. They were pretty awesome. Those also came off the “just look don’t touch” shelf. And now they could have been WORTH something? Damn.
Popples. Nice throwback. Great post.
You couldn’t manage to get fingered with Barbies proudly displayed by your bed? What kind of guys did you date anyway???;)
The child inside me just cried. I always wanted to be one of those kids who got barbie dolls that HAD to stay in boxes.. I have no idea why.. it felt like there was something special there I was missing.
Ah..therapy.
I really really hope your mom finds them.. or admits to hocking them on Ebay last year when the going rate was double what you found & spending it on her OWN secret diamond bra!!!
That’s just so mean and pointless. She should have bought them for herself – in other words, one for you to play with, and one for her to put away in pristine condition.
To not allow you to play with them, but then to not actually take care of them or keep them is terrible.
Actually, I agree! She probably did hock them on ebay and can’t admit it!
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